Hm , ask me to give you anything , everything in order to prevent me form going to Church , and I would , whole heartly ! What to say ......... Service , preached by Pastor Kong , as usual . I was sitting beside Vivien ..... felt the usual , like a wall blocking us . Hm ....... mayne it's because ......... ?????? But after the Service , Felinda , who was sitting right in front of me , wanted to use my Handphone to call someone . I lend her my Handphone since she had forgotten to bring hers . I went to the restroom with Yi Sin while the others went to the nearby coffee shop . The place which we always go after the service . Periods are stupid , a drage , right girls ? Got to go to the restroom almost all the time !!!!! Might as well be a boy . So , wanted to go back straigh away after the Service , but got to get back my handphone !!!!! Went to the coffee shop and got back my phone . But Vivien told me not to go first . Her reason for asking me to stay back ? Not for fellowship or any short of things ...... but , they are celebrating Yi Sin's birthday !!!!!! I staied . What else do you expect me to do ? Yi Sin would want me to stay , and go home with her .... I would be heartless to leave her there all alone ....... Haiz . But what could be more worst when James was behind me shoutting all the way , giving her all the attention !?!?!?!? Opps , did I really say that ? Lydia , Sok Ee , Melody , and Vanassa please don't sigh ! Well , I did not confess something ...... I was actually looking forward my Birthday , 5/10/2004 this year . I could not go to Chruch because Mum don't allow , she wants me to stay at home and study , as if it would improve my results ! But nevertheless , when I did get back to my Cell Group , I was looking forward to receiving my Birhtday Gifts . As you know , everytime when one of our Memebr's Birthday is reaching , there would be people making Birthday Cards and passing it around for everyone to sign . I assumed that since I received messages from my Cell Group members wishing me " Happy Birthday " , I would have a Birthday Card with everyone's best wishes . I am really looking forward to reading what people would write inside my card . But guess what did I receive ???? A small card from Li Hui ........ only and a big poster from the same person ...... ONLY !!!!!! I was really quite sad when I knew about my Birthday Gifts . It's like .... not being part of the Cell Group like that . I know , I was not a Cell Group Member during my Birthday , BUT THEY KNEW IT THAT I WOULD BE BACK WITH THEM AFTER ALL THE PAPERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or are they wishing that I would not be back ? And Yi Sin take my place in their hearts ?????? I don't know ...... I just don't understand . Why everyone in my Cell Group , in my Ex- Cell Group are receiving Birthday Cards when I am not ? It's just simply not fair ...... Outcast , left out , odd one out , you understand ? Hm , is it that ... I wish that he had contected me on my Birthday ? Months before , when it was his Birthday , I messaged him and he told me something like , won't forget about my Birthday . But my Birthday came and passed , I nver receive a single message from him ..... Haiz ....... Miss him !!!!! Okay , I might sound a bit too ........ whatever you descride me ! But really , that's what I felt . You can't change one's feelings right ? And I simply don't care what others see me as ! I had enough experience about that too ......... Talking about that , I was given a chance to tell Him what happened , but yet , I never treasure the golden oppounity !!!!!! Stupid me ! Now , look at my realationship with him ! Haiz .............. Okay , I got to stop all these now ....... I'm crying again ......... Sorry pals !!!! Okay , so Yi Sin was given a free drink , Gerrn Tea from the Coffee Shop aunty . And she wanted me to help her drink and eat her Birthday cake !!!! I simply refuse ! I dislike the cake , no matter what . Even though it's made of my favourite favour , Chocolate , which in this case , was Strawberry ( if I'm not wrong ) . As for the drink , I did helped to drink some , can't refuse the cold drink . I just can't stop myself from drinking cold drinks , even when I'm having my periods !!!! Haiz ...... or did I aid Yi Sin because I pity her or what ????? I went back home to found out that Brother had watched the Clay Aiken VCD , without waiting for me !!!!!! I'm angry with him , no doubt about that , after a day like mine . Nobody's putting me in their sight ! I'm a history ! Nobody care about my feelings , my thoughts !!!! Mum and Dad would not be watching the VCD , of couse , and it would be really boring waatching a vidoe all alone !!!!! Nevermind about that , it dose not affect , hut me as much as the pain I've gone through that afternoon . Of couse , who could be angry with my Brother ? He comforted and encouraged me about my studies !!!! Like anyone in my Cell Group knew about me being at the clift , dropping down into the ocean anytime !!!!! Well , I am talking me ALMOST being retain or becoming a " Normal 5 year Secondary Couse " student living in shame for all her life and with her Mum after her life too . Brother , one day , I shall be smarter then you ! I would use your encouragement as the push for me to get a higher , better restult !!!!!!

I'm in no mood ! My period came and it's making me crazy ! There's already enough thing on my mind ! I went to the NTUC to buy drinks and lunch . And I slept at once after my lunch . It was only 1 pm . When I woke up , it was already 5 pm . I was feeling better , but not that better . Mum cooked me some instant noodles for me and I ate it . I went to carry on doing my Math HOLIDAY homework ( why does it called Holiday when you got to hand it in on the first day of holiday ? ) . Mum went out after cooking instant noodles for me ...... good ! Brother called me and he offered to buy me dinner . Melody , my Godsister called after my Brother . She asked me about my results ..... I just told her " Okay , Can " . I asked Melody what her Form Teacher remarked about her , she read it out to me . Then she wanted to know what Mr Goh wrote about me too .... I then told her that my report book was with Mr Goh , I got to ... meet the parent . We chatted , and Melody told me that she had asked Hui Min to teach her Chemistry . Melody said Hui Min's Chemistry was good ...... I felt sad , you see , even my Godsister does not treat me as a " Pure Science " student . I am not fit to teach her ........ Brother came home with a mouth - watering Pizza ! Yar .... I ate 2 pieces only . I am in no mood to eat . I felt pain and moody . Boring , nothing to do ...... is that what every girls go through when they have their " that time of the month " ? I went online after my dinner and typed my blog . Mason , one of my ex - brothers from Church , chatted with me . Well , I said ex becasue he went to another Church . He asked me a question ............ have you been going church ? I was stunned by his question , so I just tried to bluff him off by answering " Um ..... " Any fool would know the answer ...... NO ! Okay , I did went for the pass two weeks ....... but , most of the time , No . He didn't stop there . He asked why , what happened . I was ...... shocked ? Someone actually trying to show me care and concern ? I was debating with myself weather if I want to tell him the truth or not ........ what if he's like James ? I told him about the Parent Persecution story . He told me that it's James fault for lying to me ........ and carried on by saying " its alright for cell group members to know what everyone is going through . " I disagreed with him and told him something happened during my Secondary 1 life , he comforted me by saying " You got to move on , traumas are there for you to get yourself stronger . If you want to let yourself fall down because of this traumatic effect , you are telling the devil that you conceit defeat . " He said those to me , and by the time he said finish , Brother was more then ready to snatch my place on the Computer chair , so I told him " Goodbye and thanks for your care and concern . " He siad " Welcome , we are family . " Sigh ....... Traumas ? Traumatic effect ? Devil ? DEFEAT ????? And the worst ......... its alright for cell group members to know what everyone is going through ??? And I realized one thing too ..... when I tell people that " something happened when I was in Secondary One / Two " , they only comfort me , they never ask me what took place ......... expect for Him ! He did asked , but I never tell him . Why ? Because I'm too stupid to think that I would have the chance to tell him . I'm too stupid to think that there would be some type of " the right time to tell " ....... So stupid ! Once and that's it ! Hm , if I'm given a chance to let my tongue tell my story , I would surly tell Him ! He had given my comfort and care which no one outside my family had really turly given to me before ......... Oh , how I miss you , if only the time could turn back to the way it was ... me messanging you every single night , asking you " Hi , what are you doing " ........ If only ....... if only !!!!!!! I don't know ! I really can't ........... Haiz , it's a bit too late .... Tomorrow ...... tomorrow is Church - going - day ...... am I allowed to go ? The answer lays wonders ......

All the Secondary 3 Express students went and watched a movie . Title " After School " . It was a very nice movie , expect that , the femal lead commited sucide by cutting her wrist after being gang rape . Even though the moive never show the sence where the girl cut her wrist , the puddle of blood on the floor was enough to make me felt sad . I cutted my own wrist also . It's horrible ! After watching moive , I went with Ai Hui to the School Garden where I told her about what was worrying me ...... I went back to class and helped out arranging the desks and clearing the notice board . Mr Goh came . He asked some classmates to go with him to get our stuff . He gave us the Year Book , then the Holidays Homework , followed by some extra work for those weaker students . As usual , I was one of the " choosen one " , plus my Reg N.o was 8 so my name was the first being called . I went to the teacher's desk and took all the worksheets . I got back to my desk and began writting down the " deadlines " for all the worksheets ( there's a thousand and one worksheets and all the datelines were different ) . I finished writting down the date when one of my classmate complained that there were not enough copy for one worksheet . Mr Goh got no choice but to borrow somebody's worksheet to photocopy . He came to me and asked from me . I told him that I had written down the date , yet he still wants to borrow mine , and even reminded me to take my worksheet back from him . Sigh . Whatever . I began writting down my name , class , Reg No on my worksheets , while Mr Goh began calling out names . Those names which were being called were to go out and get the report book and result slip . Well , for those whoes name were not being called , it means that ............ your parents need to see him . I just finished labbleing my worksheets when my name was supposed to be called . But Mr Goh never call mine name ......... As expected . When most of my classmates had received their report book , Mr Goh allowed those , whoes parents need to see him , to have a look at the result slip . I went to have a look to the Teacher's Table , sttod at the front and prepared for the worst . My overall are as followed . English - 50.0 . Chinese - 61.0 . Math - 43.0 . Amath - 32.0 . Chemistry - 42.0 . Physics - 47.0 . Combine Humanities - 42.0 . Pure Geography - 50.0 . Okay . Fine . I had enough of shock . My Chinese ? That ..... HIGH ? Ha Ha ...... my Physics ..... that LOW ? Something's wrong with the marks ....... Mr Goh talked to me . He said he wants my Mother to see him . Not my Father ! I tried to aruge in vain . He can see from my expression that something was wrong . He asked me what happened . I just said nothing when I saw Jacky looking at us . I backed up in the last minute ! Haiz ......... I really wish to tell him to lessen my worry , but I saw no use in that . I want back to my desk . DEVASTATED !!!! I could not believe what I heard ! Mr Goh wants to see my Mother ! I cried .... I knew from exprience that I could not keep to myself , if not , I will hurt myself again . I had enough of scars ! So , I went to Ai Hui's desk , with teary eyes . Ai Hui saw me and grand me the permission to cry all I want . I cried and cried ...... the , finally , when I was tired enough , I went to the restroom to wash up . I came back to the classroom and was soon dismissed . I went to the folyer and bumpped into Mandy and Hui Min . They were by the staircase , talking to a boy . I saw them and hanged around with them , I don't feel like going back home that early . During their convastation , Mr Goh walked by . He was with another classmate and the classmate's Mother . He saw me , and told me to ask my Mother to come between Monday to Thursday . I pulled a long face for him to see and gave him a sigh . He questioned me " Why , what's wrong ? " " This is it , I might not get another chance to tell him . " I thought . I braced myslef up and muttered , " Mother will not let me go Church . " Sigh . So I really said it . It came out form my mouth .... I am crazy ! He said something which could not get into my head , and then he left to talk to my classmate's Mother . Sigh ...... Hui Min was not that happy with her results either , I guess it was because she did not managed to win Yvoone . I not sure , I never ask her , I have too much things on my mind at this moment . Hui Min and Mandy were waiting for their friends so that they can go Jurong Spring to play . None of them invited me . We just walked around the School , between the ceenten and the folyer . Hui Min and Mandy were hanging around in the bookshop . I went in , but told them I would be in the folyer . Sigh . I sat at on a table , putted my heavy head on the table and sigh .... I tried to collect my thougths but in vain . Mr Goh saw me again ! He came to me , handed me back my worksheet . Oh my ! I had forgotten all about it ! Ha Ha . Lucky Mr Goh didn't ! But .... He sat down , facing me face to face . He did not intent to go back to the Teacher's office that soon ...... I looked at him ....... Sigh . Okay . " Mu Jie , if you don't want to die , then the least you can do is to tell Mr Goh the whole thing . It's going to be alright . " You had been wishing to talk to him ever since form the start , now here's your golden ticket , better grab it safe and tight before it " flew " off and out of your reach . " I comforted myself and began telling Mr Goh the story . I told him that I don't know how to tell my Church people if I got banned by Mother . Told him about my relationsip with the Cell Groups members . About how I lied to them , and now I felt regreated and never open up to them . Surprise ! He knew things about me . He knew that I am from City Harvest Chruch , and he knew that I go online very often . Chruch , I can know who's the one who told him . But online ??? I cried .... yucks !!! In front of him !!!!! Argh ! I am a crybaby , arn't I ? Mr Goh encouraged me to go to a School which offered 3 year Junior Collage Course . Hm .. He told me not to spent unsless time online and do some useful stuff . Then ... he asked me why I seldom eat .... There's a reason behind everything . Look out for the post on 15/11/2004 . It holds the reason why I seldom eat ..... He told and asked me a lot of things . Can't remember so many ! Well , at least the convasation with him is much better than with Miss Ong , on 27/10/2004 . Yar , much better , so emoational that I cried !!!!!

It's such a terrible day today ! Haiz .............. hurtted myself again , on purpose ! I don't mean it . but I got to , I felt the urge to torture myself . I felt so down today ....... Haiz .... Morning .... Mum and my Dear Brother were talking about Brother's future during Breadfast . Mum was encourging Brother to take up a Univisity overseas .... Haiz . it was as if i am invisible . Education ...... it sounded like a sharp , pointed sword which pierced through my young , innocent heart . It hurts , Mum and Brother , it hurts ! Do you , Brother and Mother , know how much it hurts ? I went to School , not feeling that happy . Sigh ..... I was early for the flag rising hence I read my O' Level English Essay book. I had already read a few essays, but there are many more for me to read. It was my School Open House today , a lot of my classmates had to take part in it . So , my class was like .... MORE then half of the pupils went missing . First period was English , so I carried on reading my " novel " . My teacher saw me and asked me to take note of the grammers , tenses ... Literature was next and the Teacher introduced the people who were present a book . It's about Princess . I am really interested in reading it , but I guess I won't have the mood to read it .... Srtange , right ???? Literature Teacher saw me and asked me if I am alright . If I got promoated or not . " Mr Goh said I did get promoated " So , if got anything , go and find Mr Goh instead of me ....... Chemistry ............. Miss Ong asked Jacky to sit beside her at he Teacher's table . And then they chat . I paid no attention to them . I do my English Holiday Assignment . " Mu Jie , come here . " I dropped my pen in the table ..... I have a shock ! I dragged a chair , and sat by the Teacher's Table like what Jacky did ......... Miss Ong asked me questions . " So how is you studies ? " " Still can . " " Sure ? If can ... how come you scored so low ? " I struggled my shoulders . " Does Mr Goh knows about you problem in learning ? " " HUH ????? No " What is this convasation tuning to ???? Mr Goh ?? " You got any Teacher who are close to you whom you are able to share you problems with ? " " Um .... No " " No ? Miss Ang ? " Miss Ang is my Chinese Dance teahcer , and since I am the Leader , I should be contacting her a lot . " No ..... " " Do you have any close friends whom you can turn to in times of trouble ? " " Ai Hui . " " Ai Hui ..... only ? " " Um .... yar . " Miss Ong , have you not notice that I am anit social ???? " Hm ....... okay . Your family have any problems ? " " No . " " Do your parents give you pressure ? " " No . " " You got any other silbings ? " " Yes . Elder Brother in National Junior Collage . " " Then you Brother should be able to help you in your studies . " " ......... " " Do you give yourslef any pressure ??? " " No . " Truth is , I never thought about that question before ! " You got any Boyfriend ? " " No .... " So the convasation contuined and contuined ........ When I was on my way back to my seat , I then realized that I was rubbing my penknife marks throughout the convastation with Miss Ong . Luckly she did not noticed it , if not ..... Unthinkable !!!! I don't know why , but after that chat .... I felt very strange , depressed . What was that feeling ? I don't know ! I can't describe it ....... it's just like .. outcast ? No ! I was blaming myself ! The truth was .................. there was a lot more for me to tell her , other then " No " " Yes " . There was a lot more for me to say ...... yet , I just never say it .. why ????? I was scolding myself " Why can't you just open up ? " I don;t tell stuffs about me anyhow to other people , unless they really touched my heart and showed me that they really care about me , like what Miss Ong had done . Yes , I could have easily told her every single ting about me , but I never ! Why ? I guess I was caught unaware . out of the sudden , out of the blue , I have no made any mental preparation yet ...... Sorry Miss Ong !!!! I know that you are willing to help me , in terms of studies or any other tings . Sorry , I'm really am ! Haiz ...... time just passed . The last period , the period after Miss Ong's .... was both Math and Chinese . Well , there's something wrong with the time table ..... Mr Goh came in a while and left . OUr Chinese Teacher came in , sat herself on the Teacher's Table and begain to tell stories or something . All the pupils who were in the classroom went and listen - expect me !!!!! I was the only one who never join them .... I am not in that mood ....... Mr Goh came again towards the end of the day . He saw me and asked why I never join them . I just struggled my shoulders and said ... Don't feel like joining ..... Mr Goh ended up joining the rest of the class listening to our Chinese Teacher's stories ........ Haiz !!!!!!

What's the matter with the School time table ? So many Math period ! Mr Goh kept on asking me if I understand his lesson ......... A blessing or a cuse ????? The bell for dismissal rang ...... the very last period for that day was Math ....... Tuesday . There's Harmonica practice for Ai Hui , so she left first . I contuined packing my things after she left . Mr Goh was on his way out . I could not supress what is bothering me , these few days , anymore . I called out to him . Advantage for people sitting all alone by the door ???? " Mr Goh ......... So how ? " No more words is needed ........ he knew what's on my mind . I do not need to elbrate any futher . He understood what I want to know . He comprehend my only heart desire - did I get promoated ?????? " You guess . What do you think ? " Is there a hole somewhere in the classroom ? If yes , please direct me to it . If not , I think I would faint right where I am standing ! Mr Goh can still joke at this point of time ?????? God , deliver me force for me to hit vigorously onto the wall nearby !!!! " Huh ??? How I know ? You tell me ! " I begged . " Um ...... you get promoated . " " Really ? Secondary 4 Experss next year ???? " " Yes ! Or else ????? " " Huh ..... Oh ....... Okay !!!!!!! " I was all aver the moon in cloud nine . I looked around . I saw Vanassa and I smiled , no , I laughted to her ! It had been sometime since I gave people a real smile from the bottom of my heart . A true smile which came out from me . Ate Lakasa when School dismissed ........ it's not hot at all !!! Went home , went online . The computer hang ! So I ended up clearing my room . Ate Beef Soup for dinner , and study A math after that . I cut myself while studying . Mum was there nagging all about my Math again !

What day is it ? I am feeling so slack .... Went back to School for Chinese Dance ..... Then .... our instructor asked , wanted us to try and do somersault . As usual , Melody was the first . Then somehow , the instructor asked me to try . I gave it a try . It's not that I do not know how to the somersault . I know how to do it , but I only know how to do it sideways . That instructor wants it to be front ! So I tried . Once ....... Twice ...... When I was preparing myself for the third time when I heard the announcement ....... " Can all Secondary 3 teachers proceed to the AVA theater for the promotion . " It sended shiver down my spine ...... I did one last somersault . I found out that I was shaking all over ...... I can't make my mind to do the very last somersault ! Okay ..... ended up doing one before I seek refuge by sitting on the floor with my other peers ....... Sigh ........ Half of the time my mind had been occupied by wondering what is going on inside my very own School AVA theater . Would Mr Goh help me ????? Would I really get promoted ? Who would know ? What would happen ? What the futurehave in mind for me ??? What it beholds ???? God , what had you planned for me ? Which road had you gave me ? Which path ???? ALL the answer lays wonders ................

I went to Church . Met one of my Sisters on the way . So , we both went up to Level 4 and met up with other Brothers and Sisters . The television in the cafe was playing the movie - Mulan . I watched the show ......... Mulan , Sister of Mu Jie ? Something about the show made me sad .... I don't know .... something ...... I just can't remember it like the back of my hand ... Hm ... Something .... made me depressed , sad , lonely .... what is it ????!!!!!!! All of us went for Service next . Then I joined Yi Sin and the rest to the Hawker Centre . I sat beside James ..... and my mind suddenly recalled ...... Reflections , by Mulan . Yes ! That is it ! That's what making me so sad ! " Now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world But I cannot fool my heart " I cut my wrist last Friday ...... Share it with the Cell Group Members ?? The others who saw me ..... they thought I was usual , facing no problems ..... I wore a mask , and fooled the world , but I cannot fool my heart ...... And that guy sitting beside me ..... Okay ! This is suppose to be a confussion post ..... So , let it be then ! The very first time I went to City Harvest Church , I had went with my Mum . But the following Sunday , I went with my Cell Group . I don't disagree with people who siad that I was very close to James .... I remembered , the first time I went to City Harvest Church , the following week after I went with Mum , with the Cell Group , I sat beside him too . During the Service , there was some sort of ..... reading of the Apostles' Creed , followed by drinking of God's blood to cleanse us and eatting the bread of God's . I can't open the cup of " God's Blood " , and James helped me to open it . After all that , Pst Kong began to preach . I was just sitting there listening . James digged out a Pilot G2 pen and a paper for me . I can still remember ... the Pilot G2 pen , the cover was red in colour , but the pen was actually blue ..... I jotted down notes from what the Past preached , mostly copied from James ...... When the service ended , there was the alter call . James asked me if I had received , accepted Christ into my heart . I lied ........ I told him that I had received it last week when I came with my Mum ....... I can still remember the lie ........ um ... why is it so ?????? Don't tell me that I regret it ? Yes ! I really regret it ! Mum brought me to a number of Church since young . And every time , I responed to the Alter Call . And after I responed to it ...... I never really went back to that Church again ...... That time . I thought it is going to be the same , so I never responed to it ......... But it turned out that my highest Church - going - attendence - recored is from City Harvest . And I really love both the Church and the people there . Okay ..... so , after the Service , we still hang around in the Basement . We waited for Vivien to make announcement when the service ended . James asked me to guess his age ..... I anyhow say - 17 , 18 ? It turned out that he's much older ! Vivien , the Cell Group leader made announcement . She , the whole Cell Group invited me . They clapped when Vivien introuduced me to the Cell Group . James talked with me when we went to the nearby hawker centre to eat . He asked me a lot of questions ...... but there's one question which he kept on asking me ...... what is my CCA . I told him already , and he kept on asking me . Haha . So ... the following weeks ...... it's the same . Just that I messaged to James every now and then ........ And so , I became very close to him . Somehow ....... we even chatted on the phone for more then 2 hours ! And during our phone chat , James told me that I was the closest Cell Group Member to him ...... And also ...... one time ...... My english teacher asked us o write a compo title " Myself " . It's the first compo our English teacher setted us on . And she even said that she will know how much we will score for our O' level by reading the very first compo we sumbit . Well , of couse , I will want to leave my English Teacher a good impression of me . Futhermore , I am a bookworm , of couse I am expected to prouduce a good compo . But I was struck , so I messaged him . He replied , asking me to write all about myself . I told him I can't . I have a something which I can't let people know about . He replied again , asking me to write about myself ...... But tell him my sercret . So , I told him ...... so , he's the one one in my Cell Group who knows my deepest sin . Only he knows about it ...... Sin ...... Yes , during the period , I never sin against God again .... but not for long . Well , you , readers , got to wait for the post on 8/11/04 . But .... our Brother and Sister relationship soon turn sour ...... all because of the very first MSN Messanger I have with him ....... And so ..... time passed .... yet , I never open up to my cell group . It's too late .... I spent most of my time with James ..... and now , I am supposed to me a muture christan , no longer a new comer . I am suppose to let the new members of the Cell Group to feel welcome , instead of the Cell Group members mingle with me ! End of my past ! Back to the present ! I felt so ...... depressed ? I messaged Sok Ee .... Well , she knew that I am facing a very big problem now ..... Refer to the post on 21/10/04 . She did replied me ..... and I did feel better . James got to leave , and I was sitting on the chair reading Sok Ee's message . I was sitting on a very lusiure position ...... and James comment ....... Can you sit properly ? He left ...... and I soon left with Yi Sin without sharing my problems ........

Nothing much happened today . I went out to the MacDonald's to eat with father at night . I took the chance and brought a Citrine Kitty using Dad's hard earn money ! It was written ...... Citrine Kitty means Energy ! Rose Quartz Kitty means Happiness . Happiness and Energy !!! Does that means ......... If I have the energy , I will have my happiness ? So , I must have the energy to overcome my obstacle and the end product will be my happiness ?

I do not know ....... I felt so lost ..... Cheated ........ Haiz ....... God ..... Please !!!!! Stop fooling with me .... You made me feel your presence yesterday , and yet , hardly a day had gone , you left already ...... I felt like a loser ..... lost in the game of eduaction ..... Haiz ..... Went to school , Ai Hui passed me my books which she had brought , together with our English Teacher and some of our classmates ..... It's a joke ! Secondary 2 book !!!! I felt mocked ..... Well , okay , at least I felt much better , knowing some of our classmates also brought different books but also Secondary 2 . First period was Chinese . We went to the computer lab . Computer lab . What comes to your mind ? Computer - Internet - MSN Messanger ! I wanted to sign in . Everyones knows that I am a MSN Messanger freak ! I switched on THREE computers . None of them have the MSN Mesanger installed . I was really down on luck . And when I found out that Ai Hui's computer had MSN Messanger , I offered her to change computer with her . SHE REFUSED !!!! She told me to go and find other computers . Fine then ! I am used to her being selfish . She's always like that . Never give a thought to other people , never think how others feels . Fine ! Managed to find a computer with MSN Messanger on my fourth try . Went back to class . No teacher . I read my novel . Recess , carried on reading . Managed to read finish the whole novel even before the start of English period ! Read my novel till almost the end of the day , when our English teacher came . I do my English holiday assignment . Vanassa was forced by our English Teacher to sit on the desk beside me . I was doing my English holiday assignment , when Vanassa asked me what I was doing . I lent her my assianment and she helped me to edit . And she commented that " It was good " . Ha Ha ..... Was dismissed and I went to eat with my junior , Yvoone . Went to the folyer , planned to carry on doing the English holiday assignment , does not have the time to edit my mistakes yet . But ended up looking for Mr Goh asking him Math Ten Years Series . The homework was setted by him . He taught me the sums ..... Then !!!!! I do not know what he said .... He wanted me to ask Mr Khor , my Physics teacher , if I passed Physics .... I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I ONLY PASSED ENGLISH AND CHINESE !!!!!!! I failed other subjects ........ Physics seemed the most likly subject I could pass ...... If I really fail Physics ...... then I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! I WILL EITHER GO TO NORMAL OR GET RETAIN !! Mr Goh still asked me if I still really want to go Junior Collage ....... I do not know how to answer ...... All my dreams ........... CRASHED !!!!!!!! I do not know even know if I can get promoted .... if I can pass Secondary 4 ....... I do not know if even ITE have a place for me or not !!!! He's only making matter worst !!!! I guess ....... I think ........ I heard Mr Goh asking me why I looked so stress before exams ..... I just answer him with a smile ..... Okay , so he had noticed that I was stressed . BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! BECAUSE I WAS WORKING VERY HARD ...... VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD TO PASS THE EXAMS !!!!!! aND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURE FOR MY HARD WORK ???? NOTHING ! NILL !!! NOT EVEN A CONSOLATION !!!!! WHAT I GOT WAS TEARS , AND MORE TEARS !!!!!!! How ? Went home with Yvoone ...... It begain to rain once I reached my block ..... No .... it pour ..... It never rain but pour . Even the angels in Heaven were crying for me ... Ever since I begain my jounary of Secondary 3 this years .............. I begain to found out that every time it POURS ..... I am facing a difficult situation . Just like today .... The angels in Heaven cried for me ..... Went home and bath ...... I felt like crying ....... I could cry anytime !!!!! I was about to come out of the bathroom after bathing , thinking about the convasation I had with Mr Goh ..... Okay , to tell the truth , I was actually " cursing " Mr Goh ..... angry with him for making me so down ..... and then ....... I almost slipped !!! What is this ? I never slip while bathing before ! NEVER BEFORE !!!!! And yet ..... it was expectional !!!!!! Why ? What's wrong ? I've done nothing wrong !!!! God , is this some sort of revenge ???? After coming out of the bathroom , I switched on the computer . While waiting for it to load into the Windows ..... I went into my room ....... Took the pink , old penknife on my table ....... And begain cutting my wrist ...... I guess , I've overdone it .... there were blood ...... Oh my ! WHat am I doing ? Cutting my wrist , hurting myself ???? ARGH ! I lost control of myself ! Blood were Physical ........ but tears , from my heart , were mental , emotional ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! THERE WERE BLOOD , BUT TEARS OVERULED ! Went to use the computer ..... just my luck ! It's not in working order ! It hanged !!!!! Oh my !!!!! I do not know ....... I do not care ....... I want the " goods " for the price I've paid ! I chatted with Vanassa when my computer was finally in working order . She comforted me , she made me felt so bad ........ but I felt like crying whenever I saw the scars on my hand . Oh my ! What am I doing ? Ai Hui , you were right . Ai Hui , still remember that time when I showed you the penknife marks on my hand ? Well , it was not because of this matter , it was last time , months ago ..... when some other tings happened . Ai Hui ..... when you saw the scars on my hand , you asked me a very simple question ..... How will I feel when I saw the scars ? Well , here's the answer ! I felt bad ! I felt like crying .......... Oh my ....... Vanassa , lucky you were online ..... chatted with me ..... That night , before I vwent to sleep ...... Brother surprised me . He gave me a Hello Kitty Handphone Accessories . He brought it from the MacDonal's for my NEXT YEAR birthday ! On the cardboard , it was printed ....... Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Rose Quartz Kitty Means Happiness . Happiness ... Brother , happiness ..... so much for my happiness ...... Thanks Brother ! Your timming could not be any better ! Thanks vanassa ! Even Ai Hui does not care about me anymore ........ For once ........ I felt happy ....... Thanks Brother and Vanassa ..... again !

Everything seems to pass in a blink of an eye . Lessons . What happened ? Well , lets say nothing much happened ...... expect that Mr Goh kept on asking me if I understand his lessons or not . And he kept on standing beside me looking at my workings . Well , his stares only send shiver down my spines and made me brain blockage . Overall , BAD INSTENT . Went for Chinese Dance . After the practice , I chatted with Sok Ee in the folyer . Well , actually planned to chat with her , without anyone else ..... but 2 of my juniors were there , tagging along wiht their Seniors . And guess hwat excellent thing I done to them ? I shouted at them ! I was talking to Sok Ee , and they were there making noise ! It pissed me off ! I had already been very kind , letting them hang around with Sok Ee and me .... yet they still make a nuisance of themsleves ! Juniors , let your senior tell you something , let your senior educate you about the social , it is very rude to be making a dan when people are talking . Especially when people are sharing about their problems ! So , I told Sok Ee all about it .... my stupid eduaction ! She invited me to join her and her friends to study , but I rejected the offer . We ended the " fellowship " by praying to God . Sok Ee lead the prayer . I was just sitting there .... but somehow , I cried . I don;t know what happened , but tears just came ..... Maybe ... I felt God's pressence ? I do felt so much better after telling Sok Ee my problems ...... hm , yes ! And where is Lydia all the while when I need her the most ? Busy with her GCE O level ! But Sok Ee still continued joining Chinese Dance even though she was allowed to leave . Sok Ee told me that her reason for staying is simply hoping for a revival in Chinses Dance . She felt that both Melody and I , who claimed that we are a believer of the Holy Chirst , are actually both very weak Christan inside us . There is no fire , no passion in us . God does not shine through us .

Hm , what happened today ? What should I post ? I not that sure . The state of uncertainty and anxiety really got onto my nerves ! And so , I've cut my very own wrist . Just a few cut . About 8 to 10 scares ? Yar , about that much , that's all . Oh . At night , when I was cutting a coupon from somewhere , I accidently cut my tumb . The wound was very deep . There was bleeding every where .... Cut , cry , cut , cry ..... hand in hand . But the sad truth was ....... I don't feel any thing , not a single pain . Guess the pain in my heart was greater ????? Yes , must be . I am inhuman !

Before I start anything . I say something first . I felt cheated . Betray ! I went to Vanassa's blog and read her post . She did went to Santosa with her friends . Well , not all from my class , but I believe that all of them who went know me . Well , maybe she thought that I don't go to her blog and so she posted her post about her day at Santosa . I don't tag at her blog cause it's quite hard . There's either something wrong with her HTML or with my computer . So , it's very hard for me to tag . And my Brother said that tagging once in a blue moon would make your tags look special . Well , if you had been reading my posts , you will know how I feel about Vanassa and how much I longed to go to Santosa ....... But nevertheless , I believe that Vanassa have her own reasons as to why she did not tell me . I have reasons for all my actions , I strongly believe that she have her's too . Vanassa : " Well , what should I say ? " " Hm , just let me say this ...... nevermind about all these Santosa Class Outing , like what I said , I understand that you will have your reason as to why you never tell me that you guys did went to the Santosa in the end . I am glad that you had enjoyed yourself . Really wonder how did you guys managed to bury Ganash in the sand ???? " " Well , I had been buried in the sand before , when I went for some azaming race with my Cell Group , held by my church . " " Everyone present were mostly Junior Collage or Poly students . So , I was the youngest there . Hehe . It was really fun ! Take Care and thanks for being my most faithful reader ! Do carry on reading all my post !!! " Okay , enough about that whole " Open up " stuff ! Here is how my um ..... day ( can't really say it's a day . It's worse then living in hell ) ... goes . Oh my ! I feel so sad ....... So disppointed ! " I've tried so hard , and get so far , in the end , it doesn't even matter " Final Fantasy VIII . What the heck is this " Hard work does pays off " ? Wonder whoese's the idiot who said this ! It dosen't !!!!! Haiz ...... got what choice ? I am dumb ...... I am brainless ...... I am idiotic ! I got no choice ...... I do not have any options ....... do I ?? That's how my genes is ...... That's is the way my brian function ...... I cannot change the way how my nevers are connected to my brain ....... can I ?? Haiz ! God ! Are you playing tricks with me ...... Are you playing with my life ?? If yes ........ WHY ?????? I want a reason ! A good and vaild explainion ! ARGH !!!!! I am going mad at this very moment ! Oh yes ! I am going through the motion of life ..... Oh yes ! Well ..... what happened ? Why am I saying all these crap ? Okay okay ....... It had rained the night before .... the carpark was wet , we were forced to stand . Whatever ..... Just that ........ There was the usual attire check this moring ..... Hey Hey ! Do think not that I forget all about my badge and get caught my Mr Goh again ! No such thing okay .... I am not THAT down on luck ! Well ..... needless to say ....... Mr Goh did keep on looking at me ..... I guess it was because he wanted to make hundred percent sure that I have my School badge on .... But ...... from his countless looking at me .... I am postive that it's more then just a simple " attire check " .... I do not know how to say it ..... but his stares sent shiver down my spine . My instinct told me that something was not right ...... Indeed ...... my six sense was right ! First period of the day - Chemistry !!!! Got back my Chemistry paper .... As I expected ! I did not managed to pass my Chemistry Paper 2 ! But !!!!! But ...... I failed my Chemistry paper 1 ALSO !!!!!!! Forty plus percent ! Oh my God ! I did tried all those Paper 1 quuestions on my Chemisrty Ten Year Series ! And yet ? What results did I get ???? Barly a psss !!!! Before Miss Ong , my Chemistry teacher , left the class , sha said she wanted to see all those people who had got D7 and E8 , for overall , after school ...... I was surprised ! There's no F9 ! Thought my overall would be a F9 ! Hm ..... there must be some mistake ! A big mistake .... I suppose ? After Chemisrty was Chinese ..... Haha ..... All C ..... I mean ...... Chemistry , Chinese .... Yar right ! To think I still have the mood to joke around at this point of time ! Am I not crazy !? Okay .... Chinese ...... I guess my overall got a C6 ? Well ...... Chinese .... no joke ! I was alright .... Social Studies paper was given out by our Mointor before the English teacher arrive ....... Oh my God !!!!!! And I mean ....... Oh my God !!!!!! 13 / 50 !!!! I must be crazy !!!!!! No feelings ..... nothing ....... English came ....... Haiz ...... I am not that sure how much I got ... 31 / 60 for paper 1 and failed subject for Paper 2 .... I was very disppointed ..... I failed my English Paper 2 ! The second last page of my answer script was all " CROSS " !!!! I always thought that my English paper 2 is powerful .... but now ??? I am dreaming ! Recess ..... I went to the garden to read a novel which I had brought to School ........ I never cry ...... never ...... Or is it ....... Not yet ???? Ha ha ..... desitny cries ? Yes ! Books !!!! How I wish I could be buried inside my books !!!! Yup .... it's not yet ....... read on to find out what happened .... Before Physics teacher came ...... I heard from Ai Hui that the Geography results were out ! I checked ......... Great Lord !!! 50 !!!!! Hey ! I've worked so hard ! Very hard ......... And yet ........ What results were produced ???? I am very disppointed in this subject ...... Down right disppointed !!!!!!!! 50 !!!!!!!! And I repeat again ...... FIFTY !!!!!!!!!! Oh God !!!!! Physics teacher came ........ Got back the papers ..... I got a 70 percent for my paper 1 .... but I flunked my paper 2 .... badly !!! Argh ! Wanted to kill my Physics teacher , Mr Khor ! He humilded me right in front of the whole class ! Know what happened ? Firstly , he read out the name of two of my classmate whom he " did not managed to save " .... In other words , two of my classmates never managed to pass Physics ..... Then ....... THEN !!!!! He read out the name of those whom he had managed to save ..... to push the marks up so that he or she would pass the End - of - year Physics . And guess who's the first person ? That's right ! It's me ! Yup ... me ! The idiotic , stupid , hopeless girl ! He asked " Did you pass your Chemistry " He was a mile away from me and he asked me such a question ! I shouted out a " No " against my wish ...... Then he siad " I know you worked very hard , but you still had to sit for retest either at the start of the year or during the last week of December holidays " What did he just said ? I mean ..... the very first part of his speech ...... " I know you worked very hard " ???? Oh yeah ! I worked very hard , but do you have to let the wole class know about it ? I mean ...... does ANYONE ( do not need to say " the wole class , but anyone , any human being ) knows how much struggles I've made ? Does anyone had a taste of how it is like to work so hard and yet " it doesn't even matter " ?? NO !!!!! So , why , Mr Khor ..... does you have to say such a thing right in fornt of the whole class !!!! And I found out that someone in my class ... who was not that good in studies , scored better then me ! He / She scored 60 ! And yet ... HAIZ !!!!!! Guess what period was next ? Hint : A period which I hated the most ! Clue : Mr Goh came in ...... Yup ...... it was Math lesson ... Got back Math papers ...... Oh my ! 25 for my paper 1 ....... And a 46 percent for my Math paper 2 ! Hey !!!! I thought I could pass ?? Well ....... this paper really added oil to the fire which was lighted up since the moring ....... It's ....... Haiz ...... Know what ? There was a question on graph ..... As usual ...... we were expected to do the question on graph paper ..... Oh yes ....... I did the questions on graph paper ....... But ...... I wrote all my answers on the foolscape provided !! And that Mr Goh gladly strike out my whole answer on the foolscape and wrote " Read the qustion " And worst ! He wrote " Where are your answers ? " on my graph paper .... and he even labbled the questions on my graph paper with a " question mark " as answer ...... like this " Q6ii ) ?? " Hey ! The price I paid was really costly ...... 7 marks total ! He knew where my answer was .... he strike it out WITHOUT any second thought .... not wasting any of his energy and , and still ... asked such a stupid , idiotic , lame question ! I was shocked ! I do not dare to believe it ........ 7 marks !!!! 46 + 7 = 53 ! 53 / 100 is a pass !!!! Argh okay okay .... maybe I would not score that whole 7 marks ........ I could not take it ! It's too much !!! Mr Goh gave out the Amath paper next ...... 36 percent ? No matter what ...... I just know one thing ..... I failed the paper ! Mr Goh gave out the Geography paper next ........ I got a very nice result for Paper 1 ..... 21 / 31 .... but I flunked my paper 2 ..... Mr Goh came looking for me when we were checking our Geography reuslts ...... He asked " Did you pass you English ? " I was stunned ...... " HUH ?????? " My mind could not function , it was brain dead ...... " Oh ...... um ..... yar ..... should be ...... " " How much ? " Mr Goh " Um ....... not sure ...... 50 ? 50 plus ...... " There was a serious brian blockage with me during that time ! I really could not reacll my English result like the back of my hand at that time ! Really !!!!! I guess Mr Goh was collecting the Geography paper when he asked me about my Chinese ..... I replied him " Um ..... Think I passed ... " Then he asked me .... " Did you pass the 3 main subject ? " I could not think at that time ..... 3 main subject ? What are the 3 main subject ??? English , Chinese and Math ? I just answer Mr Goh " Yah , should be .... " There was some free time left and I went to Ai Hui's table ..... I told her things which were deep down in my heart , things which no one could understand ...... " I've practiced ALL the Ten Years Series ...... especially Math , yet I did not pass ..... What is this ? I've worked so hard ... and yet " It doesn't even matter " " You know ... if I never do well .... my Mother would not let me go to Church .... and then it would be like last time .... ( refer to the posts on 13 / 9/ 2004 ) .... there would be lots of trouble ... You know ..... my Mother see regilion as a ....... you know ..... She let me join Buddish , and then Christan ? You know ...... yesterday , I went to make my IC ..... when the person asked my what's my regilion , I just said Christan ...... " AND I STARTED CRYING !!!!!!!! Oh my ....... I do not care ! I was totally plus completly DEVASTATED !!!!! I broke down with Mr Goh in the class ..... I am such a genius ! A real idiot ! I do not know what happened ..... But ...... Mr Goh came over to Ai Hui's desk . did he come on purpose or just simply passing by and saw me teary all over .... Some girls who was sitting in front of Ai Hui and I ...... they saw me crying and Mr Goh beside me .... they said " Teacher .... bully ar " Haiz ....... got waht use ? Some people are just ..... Lucky I got Ai Hui ..... She told Mr Goh that nothing happened .... and allowed me to cry all I want ..... I do not know what Mr Goh asked or said ..... I think he asked me " Maybe you drop Amath next year ..... " I do not know why .... but I asked him between my sobs " But drop Amath cannot go Junior Collage right ? " What is this ??? I still want to aim for Junior Collage when I cannot cope with Secondary 3 ???? Maybe ...... I still do not admit defeat ....... Somewhere deep down in my heat ...... I still want to fight in the area of academic with my peers but my main adversary is actually my Brother ...... I admit nothing less then victory !!! Victory goes together hand in hand with me , and so is crying !! Both are mine all alone !!!!! Mr Goh was shocked , he asked " You still want to go JC ? You want to go Mass Media right ? " Huh ???? How did he know ....... ? Oh ... I told him that time when I do STEEP ( Student - Teacher - Program ) with him . Huh ? Wait ...... he remembered ? Oh okay .... fine .. whatever ..... no mood to think so much .... I mean ...... my brian cannot funaction that much . There were 3 periods of free period since both our Geography and Literature teachers never come ...... After school I went to look for Miss Ong .... well , what's new ? She was looking at me most of the time while she told the group of my classmates who had scored a D7 or a E8 for Chemistry that we got to sit for retest at the start of the next year .... ARGH ........ I'm sorry , Miss Ong ..... I knew that you trusted me to score well for this time round ..... and yet ...... Sigh .... stop it ! I got no mood !!!! I ate with Hui Min , Melody and Mandy after that ....... I saw Mr Goh coming to the ceenten to buy lunch ...... Thank God that he never see me .... but ... why do my eyes have to force on him ? After eating , we went to the folyer to do work ..... Well ..... Melody and Mandy do not have any work to do .... there just sat there and chat ...... Hui Min and I have homework ..... Hui Min's work was some Chinese December Holiday Homework ..... but mine was Math ! Mr Goh even said he wanted to go through it tomorrow ! Haiz ........ guess what ? Saw two teachers which I had disppointed when I was in the folyer ..... First was Miss Ong .... She was on her way home and I bid her goodbye .... She called me to " come " ..... I went .... Miss Ong asked if I passed my Physics .... She told me that we got to sit for retest to see if we really can cope with the Subject ..... She said there's no point in letting us struggle for another year ..... She left ....... leaving me heavy hearted . After Miss Ong was Mr Goh . He came out of the Teacher's Office and saw me .... Well , there's were only 3 of us in the folyer , Melody left eariler ...... Mr God saw me , smiled , and walk towards me ...... He asked me ....... " Doing Math ar ? " " Yar ..... ( I am feeling devastated now , please leave me alone !!!!!! ) " " Know how to do or not ? " " Yar ..... " I lied And he left , he went to talk another teacher who was in the folyer . A female teacher ...... I tried to call him ... but he never heard me . I wanted to asked him about my chances of promation !!!!!! He left for good !!!! And he left me devastated ! Went home and lied about me getting about 50 for every subject to my Mother ..... Mother even praised me " See , you can do it if you set you mind and heart to it ! " Yar ..... you are so right mum ! Wait till next Monday , promoation day ...... another death day for me .......

I felt better ... hm ....... yup . I felt better ...... Called Mum in the moring and told her that the outing was cancled due to the rain ...... Hm ....... it had been raining these few days .... I ended up going to the ICA building to make my identy card ..... When the person asked me what regilion I am , I just said " Christan " without second thoughts . Mum was sitting beside me and she questioned me " You Christan ? You really want to be Christan ? " Well , I had been going to City Harvest Church for almost a year , and she refused to accept me as a Christan ! I am totally pissed off ! I never answer her ..... what to answer ? See , that's the reason ........ Mum asked really stupid , dumb and idiotic questions and of couse she end up having no answer . When I never answer her , she said I am rude , because my Church taught me bad ! See ! It's not my fault that I am crying ...... Understand ? Comprehend ??? Mother left with her friend while I came home and went online ....... He was online !!!!! Yeah ! I send him a message .... " Hi " And he replied about me cutting my hair .... looks nicer , looks CUTER !!!!!!! Ha Ha ...... I am cuter then you , okay ??

I messaged Sok Ee yesterday late at night , at about 12 am in the morning . Crazy ? Must be .... but i am scared !!! Really scared ! I don't know ...... it had been weeks since I go to City Harvest ..... and I would be going to my Church today . What will happen ? What is going to happen ? I don't know .... no one can prediate things , right ? Hm , so , I meet with Yi Sin on the SBS bus 99 . We wore the same colour shirt , orange . We went to the Chruch and met up with my Brothers and Sisters . They all got nothing to say to me expect asking something obvious . They only asked me " You cutted your hair ? " Haiz . Nevermind . At least they noticed me . I am not invisible ! after the service , there was the usual announcement . And during that , Vivien announced " Mu Jie is back here with us again ! " Everyone clapped and Perrice , one of my Brother , even took the chance and messed up my hair ! As if my hair is not messy and short enough ! Haha ...... nevermind . I really enjoyed being together , part of the big family again . I've missed that feeling of " being part of something " . I even went and ate dinner with them . Heard that they were going to play batmanition or basketball , but I can't join them . I had received a call from my Mother . She wanted me to run an errand for her . She wanted me to go to Jurong East and buy fresh cream for her , so that she is able to make the fruits tarts for the class outing to Santosa tomorrow . I agreed whole heartly and I left with Yi Sin to Jurong East . City Harvest is in Boon Lay . We board the bus 242 to Boon Lay Interchange and too the MRT to Jurong East . We bought the fresh cream and took a bus home . When I reached home , Mum realized that she had forgotten to ask me to buy cardboards ! So , she went downstaris to buy while I went to bath . We start making the tarts . It was fun . While waiting for the tarts to bake , I went to check my Handphone . 1 message received I read it . It was from Vanassa . She told me that the class outing was cancled ! But she assured me that she would inform me if there will be any outing . Well , all the fruit tarts went inside my family members' tummy ....... Hm , that night . I did slept . Really wonder how I managed it ? I was really very disppointed . The class outing was cancled ! I mean ... I really make a sort of promise to really enjoy myself there at Santosa . Well , God did made me happy when i was back with my Cell Group .... but my happiness does not last long .... why is God making my life so difficult ? He made me feel happy , then sad the very next second . God , I knew that you planned all these long before I was born . But why ? Why must you make my life so difficult ? Why do you have to play with my feelings ? WHY ??????? I won't get my answer no matter what ...... Oh , one more thing . I prayed to God while waiting for Vanassa's message . For once , when I was praying , I suddenly thought that God would make a difference in my life ..... I felt as thought , there would be a class outing in the end . God made me felt his pressense ..... and made me felt as though he had deserted me the very next moment ......

Yeah ! Last Paper for this year !!! Physics Paper 1 . It was easy . Some of the questions are from the Ten Year Series ! He He ... Going to get high marks for this Paper ? Vanassa asked me about my present for the class outing . She said " Don't be so anit - social " It was like tunder . It was like shouting to me ..... asking me what am I thinking ..... Deaftening me .... It was like lighting . I saw a ray of hope in going to the outing . Maybe , I would really enjoy myself . It striked me ! I went to West Mall after the Paper . Alone . Acutally I went to shop . I brought a Westlife CD and a Discman Pouch for my Dear Brother . It's for his Birthday . But then , " if one thing that will never change , is changes " . I gave the Westlife CD and Discman Pouch to my Brother that night . When I finally went out of the shopping mall , an old lady , from an english speaking country , asked me for direction to the clinic . I anyhow point to her the direction . I don't go to Westmall that often , how would I know where it is . After that pointing , the lady asked me when will I be having my Holiday . I told her in about one or two weeks time . After that , I left . I went to the bustop and board the bus . I was looking out of the window when I saw the clinic ! It was the very opposit direction I gave the old lady ! The bus driver continued driving the bus ! But my guilt got the better of me and I departed form the bus and ran back to Westmall , hoping to find the old lady . Sigh . I never find her . I felt very guilty ! I ran around the direction which I have givne her . But in vain ! Finally , I board the bus home . I felt quite guilty , even though I had retraced my steeps and tried in vain to loacate the old lady . My ! She's just an old lady ! What would happen to her ? I gave her the wrong direction ! And her destination was the very opposite from where I pointed to ! It's quite a long distance ! Asking the old woman to walk for such long distance .......... ~ Unthinkable ~ But thinking about the smile on my Brother's face when he received his early Birthday present clamed me . I chatted with Vanassa in the afternoon . And I told her the reason why I am so " anit social " .... Well , I hardly tell anyone expect my best buddies about it . And it had been quite some time since anyone show me such care and concern ...... So , I decided to tell her . She's not a bad girl anyway , unlike ...... To me , I felt like she's my elder sister whom I could trust and look for in times of trouble . Haha ... it's really nice when someone really show interest in you ....... like , want to get to know you better , want to know more about you , your life or something . Not in those romantic ways . Nevertheless , there are times when people showed interest in my life in the wrong way / manner and it backfired . Really ..... If you really do care about me and want to know why .... ask me via MSN Messanger or just leave a tag , okay ..... Haha ...... Doubt that anyone would .... Prove me wrong ? I received a call from my Cousion . Shen wanted me to go downstairs and help her get something . Therefore , I got to stop chatting with Vanassa and I cycled to the shop to buy thing for my Cousion . Well , needdless to say , I felt from my bike ! I was going down a slope , which I used everytime to ger to the main rood , when it happened . I guess I loose control of the bike due to the lack of strength in my legs . I was running all around Westmall in the afternoon and my legs were aching all over ! I fell and have some scars on both my knees . It was not that bad .... plus my right hand seems to be fractured . My left knee was bleeding a little but , well , I won't die due to lack of blood ! I picked myself up . Two guys , whom seems to be older than me by 3 or 4 years , saw me fall and asked me if I am alright . Told them I was . I continued to cycle and brought the thing my Cousin ordered . After that , I went home . Cousin came to my house and ate dinner with me and my Mum . Brother went out , Dad went for work ....

Argh ! Don't talk about it !!! I never do 46 worth of questions !!!!!! I never bring my curve ruler again , and borrowed from Mr Goh again !!!!! He at first asked me , " Why everytime never bring curve ruler ? You have one or not ? " When he came out of the Teacher's Office , he lend me his curve and asked , " You know how to use or not ? Cause your Math paper 2 like don't use better . " I was speakless ........ um ........ " Math paper 2 like don't use better . " ??? Really ...... no words are able to descride my feelings . What am I going to do ???? Oh my ...... all my hopes are crashed !!!!! Gone !!! Before the start of the Paper , our class decided to have a class outing to the Sentosa . Most of us are not going , but nevertheless , there are some people going . Vanassa shouted to me " Mu Jie , you going ? " I just struggle my shoulder ... go Santosa ?? Hm ... I don't know . Would it really be fun ????

Pure Geography Paper was easy - almost ! I started by doing the Section B first . Well , forget some parts about the River topic . I then do the World Map . Horrible ! i just can't do World Map !!!! Section A was chicken feet ! Finally , at least ! I am able to do the Map Reading ! Went home and start mugging for Add Math . Tomorrow ....... Haiz . I never went down to cycle today . Mugging ........ Add Math ..............

The Chemistry Paper 1 was so much easiler then it's Paper 2 ! Maybe it's because I really studied hard , done almost all the Ten Year Series questions ? Hm , well , some questions really did come out , but nevertheless , there were some questions which I just guessed . I simply can't do the Mole ! Stupid calucation ! I asked Mrs Grewal about some questions after the Paper . After that , I asked Mr Goh some Add Math questions , functions . I hanged around with Shan Shan . Went to eat with her . I went to cycle in the afternoon . Cycle , if only there's an exam on that ! If only exams are a breeze , just like those winds smashed onto my skin when I cycle ! Cycle ........ breeze ...... Exams ...... breeze ???

I went to cut my hair in the afternoon . It's funny . I felt strange , but yes ! My hair was been cutted . Hm , my hair was actually very long , around my armpit . But I asked the hairdresser to have my hair cutted till my neck . It's quite short for me to tie my hair . Strange . Cut my hair in the middle of my Exams . " There goes all my knowledge " , I thought when my hair fell from my shoulder till my legs when the hairdresser cut it . I have mix feelings about cutting my hair . I love my hair , the way it is . But I have cutted layers before , and so now , before me having a hair cut , the hair was very mesy . Some longer some shorter . But nevertheless , all my hair are long enough to be tied up into a ponytail . And so , people does not know how much difference in legth my hair was . It'a all in the past now . Now , my hairstyle . It's like a very studius student . What an image ! Never judge a book by it's cover , bear that in your mind ! So , now that my hair is so short , it can't be tied . Wasted ? Nevertheless , I still perfer love long hair , it can be made into lots of different styles . Fashion and tends . Yeah ! Some styles are cool and I loves it . But alas ! No more rubber bands for my hair till .......... ?? Brother claimed that he perfer girls with shoulder length hair or longer ........ Opps , sorry Brother ? Gee , nevermind , fear not for I can't have short hair because of my CCA , Chinses Dance . I went home after the haircut and started mugging for Chemistry Paper 1 . I did almost all the questions inside the Ten Year Series . Hopefully it would help pull my marks up for the subject . I can't fail Chemisrty ..... I can't . I am taking Pure Chemisrty . If I fail , I got to take Combine Science . I can't . I won't accept the fact ! Futhermore , if I really fail and take combine science , I would disppointe Miss Ong , my Chemistry teacher , she had really been really kind and helpful towards me , and my mother . But , I would only disppointe me , myself the most if I really fall ....... I am really very scared ...... the education system had finally caught up with me .

I went to the market and bought some food for Mother . I went back home and went out to the Jurong East Popular . My correction tapes are out of stock already ! I brought a few refills and some pens . Hm , exams .......... is that what everyone's doing ? Buying extre pens and correction tapes , liquid papers . Well , usually , it arn't the case for me . I loves to buy stationary ! I just love it ! There are all knids of correction tapes . Different shapes and sizes ! Some of the tapes , which are bigger are mostly thicker and longer , and more expensive ! But there are also tapes which are small and cute and hold the same amount of tapes inside them . As for packing , most correction tapes come as 1 . But some of them have free refill with them . There are also a big packet of correction tapes , in a box or something . It cost greater but nevertheless , there will always be some discount if you buy correction tapes as a whole set . Well , prices varies from one correction tape to another . For me , I will usually buy correction tapes as a whole set , so that I do not have to worry that I run out of correction tapes . Morever , I got to provide my Brother with correction tapes once in a blue moon . He always ask me for correction tape out of the blue , normally during exam period like now . Liquid papers . There are tall and short , fat and skiny liquid papers . It seldom come in a set , and it usually cost between $3 to $ 4 for one tube , quite expensive for me . The most popular one is the Pilot brand . It comes in either red or blue . There are 3 sizes for Pilot liquid papers . One long and skiny . Another one is fat and round which takes up a lot of space inside the pencile box . The most common liquid paper is the smallest of the 3 . Small , ovel shape . It does not contain as much liquid paper as others but it is small and convenient , so that is why so many of us use it . Another stationary which I loves to buy is pens ! Ball point pens , ink type pens .... etc . Most of the pens sold in the market are ink type . It will always smear when writting . But those pens marks are easy to wash away when you acidently drew on you shirt . Pilot pens does not smear . Especially Pilot G2 . The price , $2 , is reasonable too . It also have refills which cost at only $1.10 . Of couse , there are lots of other brand pens too . But I never use them as much as I use Pilot pens . I will perfer to use Pilot pens , but I do buy pens which are on discount too . Those discounted pens are not that bad too . They are useable . Went home and Cousin came and ate lunch .

Am I perpared for my Mathematices Paper 2 or not ? I don't know ...... Never even brought my curve ruler !!!!! I asked Ai Hui for help , she suggested to me , borrow from Mr Goh . I was left with no choice ...... So , after the morning flag rising , I asked Mr Goh for his curve ruler . " Mine ? Mine a bit spoilt . It's bent . " " Huh ? Nevermind ..... " Wow ! Exam just a few minutes later and he still don't want to lent me ! What is this ! Nevertheless , he did lent me his curve ruler , with one side spoilt ..... Ha ha . Be happy with what you have , Mu Jie . So , I sat for the stupid Mathematices Paper 2 . Needless to say , it was so much easier then the Mathematices Paper 1 !!! Am I crazy ? Ha Ha ....... Well , I did used Mr Goh's curve ruler . But , the curve just don't seems right to me . The curve was in a very wired shape ....... what can I do ? Social Studies was next ..... Oh my ....... 3 chapers were covered in this paper , but I only have time to learn 1 topic . And guess what ? That chapter whcich I've learn came out for the Soruce Base Questions ! And so , I can't do the Structed Questions ! 25 marks !!!!! GONE !!!!! I went to the Teacher's office and returned Mr Goh his curve rule , I just put inside his pigeon hole , that's all ..... I contected my Brother . Ate with Brother at the Hawker Centre . But he was late . I reached the Hawker Centre , I looked around . Saw my classmates eatting outside the Hawker Centre . I called my Brother , asking where he was , mainwhile , I went inside the Hawker Centre , hoping to see my Brother . I steep in .......... and only saw ....... Mr Goh and other teachers ! I was on the phone ....... and there were so many teachers around ....... Oh my ...... But lucky , none of them saw me .... Brother came . I don't know where to sit . Inside the hawker centre or outside ? Inside - Mr Goh and other teachers . Outtside - Classmates . Ended up eatting inside . And I choosed a table far far away from the Teacher's table . The meal was alright . Brother ate finsih his meal and went to the restroom to wash his mouth while I carried on eatting my last spoonful . When I looked up .............. Mr Goh and other teachers walked pass me ..... they were on their way back to School ........ Mr Goh saw me ...... lucky Brother was not around ! I talked my Mother into changing my tuition .... actually there was Kai Xin's tuition in the afternoon . But I don't feel like it . I changed the tuition and went to cycle with my Brother . Mum wanted Brother to exercise in the fitness concer , but Brother don't want . So , Brother and I just hanged around outside my School , at the bustop after cycling 1 or 2 rounds round the Jurong area . Brother resting , and so was I . When I looked up , I saw Mr Koh , my Secondary 1 form teacher and Math teacher ! He was going home with a NPCC teacher . When Mr Koh saw me , he pointed me to the NPCC teacher and said " That one is Mu Jie " ....... I was taken aback ! Shocked ! What have I got to do with the NPCC teacher ? Are there something going on inside the Teacher's Office ? Nevermind ..... Brother carried on sleeping . I don't want to wake him up , for fear he later angry . So he slept , slept , slept ....... " Hey , let's go " It was amlost 6 pm . We were to be at home for dinner . We were ablout to rode off when Mr Goh came out with his friends again !!!!!! " Very free right ? Can pass all subjects ? " He remarked . " Nah ! No !!!! Um ...... Mr Goh , you marked Mathematices Paper 1 already ? " I questioned him . " Haven , where got so fast ? " " Really ? I failed right ? " I treid to get some info from him . " I don't think so .... boarderline . " He tried in vian to " comforted " me . Brother and I left for home after that . In the lift , he asked me questions about Mr Goh . Like , what subjects he teach me ..... I encougraged my Brother the become a teacher when he grew up ..... He said that teachers are those " left over " or something ........ But I though that Teacher's pays are very high ? And they educated the young genations ? So , it should not be that bad , right ? Plus I heard that nowadays , a lot of young people are taking couses to become teachers in the future ? As for me , I will stick to my own aim ! Theatre actress or teatre dancer or nuse or air stwerdess ........ All of them intrest me . But , how can I have so many jobs at one time ? So , maybe I will have air stwerdess as my main job while theatre actress / dancer is a part time job . And voluntering as a nurse ?

Chemistry Paper 2 . I don't know what to say . Let's just hope that i won't die , okay ? I can't do those Chemical Equation ! I don't even know those atomic symbols of the compunds ! Stupid Chemical Equation ........ I went home after the Paper and Mum brought a packet of Westen Food for me . kai Xin came at 11.30 am and had tuition with me . Nothing much . At night , Brother sat together with me and taught me Mathematices . Mathematices Paper 2 is tomorrow ........ Brother even brought for me the Disney CD !!! I used my diseman and played it at once . There was a song in the first CD . Track Number 6 . Mulan , reflection . Hm , the song suits me ....... Thank you , Brother , for helping me to mark the Mathematices Paper 2 Mock Exam . I'll try abd do my very best , for I've flunked the Mathematices Paper 1 already . Tomorrow is my only hope ........... Hope ........

Mathematices Paper 1 . Was it a joke ?! If it was , then you don't have any sense of humor ! I got scolded by Mr Goh this morning again , well , the usual . Stupid School Badge ! Argh ! Mathematices Paper 1 . I hate it ! It was so so tough ! I got lots of questions which I have no idea how to do ! I even have problems doing caulations ! Oh my !!!!!! It's the first time so far that I felt so depressed ! What should I do ? It was really really hopeless ! I ........ I ...... I don't ! I had tried so hard , yet ....... I remembered Mr Goh telling me that I got to get 55 / 80 . Mr Goh , I have problems in passing ! Still say what 55 !!! Mr Goh , please tell me that you were just pulling my leg yesterday , that you don't mean that I got to get 55 marks ......... I'll die !!!!! I went with Ai Hui to the 7- eleven . I made a cup of instand noodles , but we were chased by the shop owner . So , we ended up eatting in the burning sun !!! Brother taught me Chemistry in the night . He was very knid towards me . He taught me how to make notes , what are the imporent part in the topic , he asnwered all my questions . Brother never even use the computer tonight . He jsut sat beside me and revised with me . Okay , he did went online after teaching me , but he still dropped by my room once a while and asked me how's my process . Brother , thank you for all you scarifes ! Thank you for being right beside me ! You know that I am a very weak student in Chemistry . Plus I am taking Pure Chemistry . I don't dare to think what might happed if I failed the subject ......... Brother !!!!!!

It's my Birthday today and yet no one wishes me " Happy Bithday " on my Blog . So sad ! Argh .... well , like anyone really visit my blog like that ! Anyway , I went to School this Morning . I reached there eariler than Ai Hui . And when she came , she gave me a small paperbag . Inside contained lots of Bears sruffs ! Yeah ! She wished me " Happy Birthday . " Some of ous classmates hear it and wished me " Happy Birthday " too . Ha Ha . I bumped by my Chinese Teacher on the way to class . She saw the paperbag which I was holding and wished me " Happy Birthday " once she found out that it's my Birthday . Physics Paper 2 was fine . There were some caluation which I do not know how to do . I had forgetten all about the formula of Work done ! Argh ! i do not have that much confidence in the calculation part ..... English Paper 2 was hard !!!! I don't understand the question ! Plus there were those " Give the meaning " section ! Not forgetting the stupid Summary !!!! Tomorrow is Mathematices Paper 1 !!! I went to find Mr Goh after the Papers . He told me all the mistakes in my Mock Test which I had done before hand , hoping it will aid me tomorrow . I had do finish all the Ten Year Series , but Mr Goh had no time to mark it . Wasted ! After that , he asked me if I had anymore things which I don't understand . I told him no . Was that a lie ? I don't know ! I remembered him telling me that for Mathematices Paper 1 , I got to get 55 over 80 ! I wonder if it was a nightmare ? I contected my Brother after sitting for the day paper , and looking for Mr Goh . I arranged to meet my Brother at a hawker centre . We ate Pizza ! Oh Brother ! Thanks a lot ! You know that I just love westen food ! It was really yummy ! We went home together and guess what Brother gave me for my Birthday ? A Hello Kitty Handphone Pouch ! Thanks Brother ! You know that I just love Handphones , and what difference would a pouch make ? I used the pouch at once ! I switched on my Handphone and realized that there were a lot of messages from my friends , Church Brothers and Sisters . One message from my Brother's friend , Jansen . I slept throughout the afternoon . I woke up , ate dinner , and then have Math tution with my Brother . The tutor came my house . It was alright , quite fast . I received one message from Sok Ee after the tutuon . Sok Ee , thank you ! Thank you for hearing all my woes too ! I celebrated my Birthday after the tuition . Father had brough a Birthday cake for me ! It was coated in cream , and there were chocolates ! Yummy ! Wow , my family members just know what are my favourite foods !!!! Daddy gave me a red packet . I slept soundly at night . Hm , tomorrow Mathematices Paper 1 , I have a wish or desire to know how the paper will be like , how well I would do !

I still can't believe it ! I wrote 8 pages for my English Paper 1 ! 8 pages ! Oh my ! For sure have lots of grammer , spelling mistakes ! I know that ! Sigh ! I knew a lot of good words ! But I can't spell it , so I was forced to write another simlper word but of the same meaning . Wasted ! Literature Elective . Oh my ...... I mamaged to finish the novel by today , luky ! Ha Ha ! There was a question base on the whole novel ! I wrote 2 full A4 size foolscape on the questions based on the novel ! Am I able to score ??? I don't know ...... I don't have enough time to complete the paper ! I only managed to scrabble a few lines for the Part B , which was an extrect form a " Princess " novel . Sigh ........... I don't know how well I can score .........

It's a weekend ! Hm , I must make full use of the time I have and start mugging ! But too bad ! I went out with Mum , Brother , Godfather and Godmother . ARGH ! Actually planned to celebrate my Birthday at Pizza Hut with my whole family , but now ? Sigh , be happy with what you have ! Okay , fine . I bathe , dressed in a very nice outfit and packed my bag with " I'm the king of the Castle " . Literature paper is on Monday and I haven read finish the novel ! Oh my ! Die ! Anyway , we went to a small shopping centre in Seng Kang and ate in the food centre . After eatting , we went to my Godmother's house . Wow ! It was nice .... but somehow , I know that my future house will be better then theirs ! We went back to the same shopping centre again and shopped . I was chatting with my dear Brother all the while ! As we walked pass a shop , I saw a shop which sell handphone pouch , I asked my Brother why he never get a new handphone pouch after his's spoilt . He claimed that he has no money . I asked him , during his Secondary School years , does he felt when people said that he's anti social , like , does he wish that there's an explaination ? An incident which took place ? My Brother said yes . Oh Brother ! Thank you ! Ha Ha ..... Hm , know why I asked that question ? Because I felt lonely these few days . I need help in order to overcome the upcomeing exams yet there's no one to help me ! Ha Ha ..... I was reading my novel all the way ! I really hope that I could score well for this exam . It's the last chance to prove ..... me , myself that I can do it ! And if I failed to prove it ......... disaster will take place !!!!

It's Children's Day ! And what the puplis of Yuhua Secondary School celebrate Childran's Day with ? With the start of exams !!!!!!! Sat for Chinese Papaer 1 and 2 in the Hall .... It's quite a nice place to sit for exams ..... it's quiet , cemetery quiet , and there's a few teachers in the Hall at one go ! Hm , I am not that confidence in Paper 1 , I struggled to complete it ! There were countless words which I had forgetten how to write , and I kept refering to the dictionary ! Chinese Dictionaries were allowed . And Mr Goh conducted a sport check during the Paper 1. I was scareded to death as my mum had written chinese words at the first page of my dictionary ! I liquided it off once I saw Mr Goh taking everybody's dictionary to check ! Well , when I just finished my answers for Paper 2 the answer sheet flew ..... Um ... does that mean something ...... Something ........... unthinkable ......... ??? Mr Goh picked the paper up for me and handed it back to me ....... I am so scared ! It's just the beginning of the the exams , and yet , I am having second thoughts about passing and get promoted !!!!! I am crazy !!!!