Woke up … anyhow think again … Realized that he was actually mugging (maybe not mugging at all , I don’t know …. ) with A yesterday … I don’t know … but my senses tell me so … and I think … I know that it’s true . You see , he messaged me , telling me that A seems distance , cannot concentrate ... then he called and told me that they patched up , made up ... he's defintaly at the scence right ?! Wondering why he never tell me … ok , so he was with her … accompany her till night …. I don’t know …. Fine , so he was with her when she’s down … needed someone …. Fine …. So he was with J , talking to her , comfort her when she needs someone in the wee hours of the morning … letting me wait … and wait and wait and wait … letting me … CRY . Even told me that he was BUSY when I called him … when he was actually ON THE PHONE WITH J … and when he finally called , he just say he’s tired … Fine . He have the strength to talk to J , but NOT ME !!!! FINE !!! Then why still call me after that , why did he tell me that he’s busy , letting me think that he’s studying ?!?!?!?! He told A that he was “ on the phone with her “ when A called while we were talking , so why can’t he tell me the same thing ? Don’t know …. He’s scared that I got jealous … but I get angrier when I realized the truth … why can’t he just tell me … Where is he when I am down , needed someone ??? Busy accompany another girl , J , A ... who knows .. there maybe more ... Like on that day …. And where am I when he’s scared ??? Being comforted by another girl (JJ) … like on that day …. Felt like he lied to me …. Felt that he should tell me that he was on the phone with J , he was with A …. Felt like he had been keeping a lot of things from me …. Keeping things from me … I remembered that we used to talk about our life journey ….. I told him about me stealing the piggy bank all because it has pictures of bears , told him about me dropping subjects … But why did he not tell me about his past … bad stabbing .. etc … and yet , he told the girls ??? The girls are his best friends , and they knew about it , so who am I to him , just friend , causal friend … since he never ever tell me … since I don't know about it ... maybe , yar ... we are just friends ... Aren’t that … keeping things from me … he said he don’t want me to worry …. But I want to be there for him , NOT another girl … I really feel like asking him … who am I to you ? Feel like asking him yesterday’s question too …. But I know , deep down , that I would never ask … maybe because , I don’t want to be a burden to him , that he’s having his prelims now … or maybe …. Just maybe … I am too scared to heard his answers , too frighten to heard it from him …. I don’t know how to say … feel very , extremely stupid … useless , hopeless …. Why must I cry for him , wait for his call … when he don’t seems to care at all … Why is it that I INSISTED on being there for him , WILLING to wait for his call …. ??? Why is it that when I am sad , like now …. I keep it to myself …. I know that Sok Ee would be extremely happy to be there for me … But wonder how he would react if I say … I told Enrique and Marcus about us … saying that I am very tired …. Very sad … that I need them … that I feel like giving up and would like to cool off …. Wonder how he feel if I told the guys …. And that they comforted me … made me smile … But nothing of that is true … just want to know if he care for me , if he's jealous ...… and I know that he do care ...… I know that ... or maybe ... I am just lying to myself too ? Talking to Enrique and Yi Jun via MSN ... Don't really feel like helping ... quite tired ... mentally ... he's sad , I know ... but me too ... I know that I should me making him smile ... like what I always do ... but .. I have no more strength now .. Think I stop blogging for now ... Crying ... Ok , I can’t . I am more pissed than ever ! I was online , chatting with Yi Jun and Enrique , lying ( partly so ) to them that I am blogging , when I am actually …. Hm , it seems totally good , it clamed me down . Make me feel okay … Then I went to bath , prepare to go out with Brother for lunch . He messaged while I was in the toilet … he wanted to meet me … that was his first message … I replied at once , then I saw his second message …. he canceled the date … I called , he boarded the bus already …. I was totally … FED UP !!!! He stayed with her , with A yesterday night , together with her when she was DOWN… fine ! He REFUSED to talk to me when I called him … fine ! He sort of …LIED to me … fine !!! But what is this man !!! If he really have the heart to meet me , to date me … why can’t he just WAIT for my reply ?! FINE ! Able to spent the day with her , and yet , wait for me for TWO MINUTES ALSO CANNOT !!!! HE IS ABLE TO BE THERE FOR A , AND YET , DON’T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL !!!! HE TOTALLY HAVE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO (x 1000000000000000000 ) HEART TO MEET ME AT ALL !!!! WAITING FOR ME FOR 2 MINUTE – CANNOT ! SPENT THE WHOLE DAY WITH HER WHEN SHE’S DOWN – CAN !!! FINE ! SHE CAN BE JEALOUS BECAUSE OF HER BOYFRIEND AND ANOTHER GIRL , I CAN’T SEE WHY I CAN’T ! I HAVE MY OWN RIGHTS TOO ! AND THIS IS TOTALLY THE VERY LAST STRAW !!!! STOP GIVING ME FALSE HOPE , HUBBY . Okay .. cool down … ok ok … may I know why am I wiping my eyes ??! Nah … it doesn’t matter at all … not at all … who would care ? Ok ok … maybe PMS … yar , maybe … but I feel like I am going to burst … I feel very tired … I had been far too kind … to gentle … he is taking advantage of my innocent … If he is going to ask if I am having that time of the month … I would like to ask him , does it matter ? So what if I am having cramps … Would you care , as long as you KNOW when A is having her , it’s enough …. He is in for a very GOOD time when he call .... I had enough !