The Chinses tuition in the morning was ... BORING ! The topic was about moral values ....... etc ........ Plus it was about 5 pages long ! What more can I say !? Can't blame me for falling alseep ! I went home after the tuition . Periods are a nuisance . Period . I contected Kai Xin . She was on her way down to my house ...... Well , and she wants to eat McDonald's too . I asked her , " Why suddenly you wants to eat McDonald's ? " " Last week , you said you wants to eat McDonald's . " Well ........ no point trying to do acconding to my wishes . I went for Service with the rest of my Cell Group . Pastor Kong was preching ...... and he said something , " You no need to prove to yourself . " Yes ! What a good sermon ! After the Service , I went with my Cell Group to eat dinner , Yi Sin went with her Cell Group too . Well , Yi SIn and I always go back home together ...... nothing different . But this time round ..... both of us are in different Cell Group . Being the older of the two , I always went to Yi Sin Cell Group and arrange with her how to meet and go home together . James was around and whenever he saws me , " Mujie ........ Bye Bye ! " And everyone knows about my present ! And while I was at Yi Sin's Cell Group , Hui Mei asked me about my Brother . I heard someone saying , " Hey , you are disturbing her , you know ? " Well , sorry . It turns out that Yi Sin perfer me as Peggy was rude towards her . Brother went down exercise and he ate Lamp Chop for Dinner , with a cup of lime juice which he took home . I tried doing some Physics ......... Needless to say , I did give up a little ! I failed to see the use of studying ...... Filling my mind with knowledge which I'll never know and understand !

Mum went out , Brother went out , Dad went out ........ I was all alone at home . So , I came online ..... Miss Goh looked for me . She had been reading my blog and she felt that I need someone to talk to ....... Yes ...... I had found my " someone " ........ Contuine reading the post ! You'll get your answer at the end of my post . Ring ........... My handphone rang . " You want to meet by the staircase ? " " Don't want . " " Why not ? You got to go climb the stairs right ? " SLAM !!!!!!!! I was still online when I received the phone call from Mum . I have tuition at 5.30 pm , it's abready 5 pm plus ...... I'm late ....... How to meet Mum , without getting an earful fomr her ? So I rejected the offer and she's angry !!!!!! I rushed down to the tuition centre . After tuition , I called Mum ....... Dailed and dailed and dailed yet no one answers !!!!!!! Finally , she picked up the phone , " Hello ? " " Hi Mum ! " SLAM !!!!!!!!!!! Okay ....... now , this is serioous !!!!!!!! I was supposed to eat outside for Dinner ..... and I decied to give it a miss ....... Well , I had been eatting my 3 meals a day since the beginning of the year . At least I'm not like last year ....... when even my form teacher knows about my skipping meals habit ! So , I took the time for eatting to do shopping . I went to Jurong East to shop inside the C.k department , Shop and Save ........ etc ...... etc ....... I took the bus home ........ The bus ride was .......... terrible !!!!!!! I shook ...... due to the air - con or my inner , the fear inside me ?????? I can't stand it anymore ....... " I need someone to talk to ...... " What Miss Goh said to me buzzed inside my ear like those busy bees ....... Okay ! Fine !!!!!!! " Hi Ms Ong ...... Remember .... Monday after School . " I typed out the message ...... Part of me wants to delete the message I've just typed , part of me wants to send that message to Ms Ong ...... " Message sent . " My Handphone screen showed me . " Okay , you must remind me ! " Nah ...... Ms Ong , I tell you something and you won't need any more reminders ! " Um ... okay ...... My weekend is terrible ! " I admited . " Want me to call your home ? What's you home number ? " " Um ...... I'm outside now . " " Where are you ? Playing ? With Family ? " Ms Ong made wild gusses ..... No matter what , I did not accept her offer ...... Monday ....... That can wait ........ Anyway ...... Home ?!!?!? I'm at home ? With Family ? I don't want to go home !!!!! I don't want to go home to be with my Family - my Mum ! I shopped at Jurong West when I alighted from the bus . There was plenty of time to spare ! My tuition ends at 8 pm , eat till 8.30 pm , took bus for half and hour , 9 pm reach home . Perfect planning ! I went home to find Mum's sleeping ...... Good ! There was a note on my table ....... it was from Mum . She said I was rude towards her when she called , she had broguht some bracklets for me ........ .......... Speakless ........ I wrote a reply to her I was not rude ! And when I called her after my tuition , I actually wants to ask her if she wants to eat ....... It's true ....... Partly true ........ Brother came home , but he can't bathe yet since Dad was bathing . Brother and I lie on my bed ....... And I told him everything ......... Yeah ! Thank you Brother for scolding me ! I made some instant noodles as supper for Brother and I , so , I never skip any meals in the end ......... And in case you readers don't get it ...... The " someone " Miss Goh wants me to talk to ....... Is Ms Ong ..... I conteced her on my bus ride home , not knowing what future lies ..... Would Mum cane me ? Would she chase me out of the house ??? Normaly , I don't contect people in time of hurt or pain ..... But now ..... I did contected Ms Ong ....... Are you readers proud of me ?!!?!?!? Haha ........ My Chruch friends ........ they would be there for me too ....... But somethings are unexplainable ....... Monday !!!!!! Yeah ! I can't wait !!!!!!!

Early in the morning , I sat behind Ai Hui for Flag raising . And Ms Ong came to me and said , " Mu Jie , see me after School . " Mu Jie ..... yes , it's me . But why Ms Ong lookd at Ai Hui when she told me that ? Ai Hui said that Ms Ong wants her to remind me ..... Um ......... ?? I finally told Ai Hui anout me cutting my wrist ..... well , at last ! One less secret between us ...... but there's another big secret Ai Hui don't know about me ........ The past of mine ......... not many knows about it ...... I won't go around showing my past . It arn't that glory , you know ...... Ai Hiu don't know about it , but ...... Vanassa knows about it ..... strange how things ends up , right ? During English , Mrs Rethamain told the class about our English Compo Writing . " But my C5 , C6 writers wrote very well . Mu Jie ..... " There was a pasue , " Hazel . " " Hazel , did anyone help you ? " Um .... well , so my name was called wrongly ........ " Mu Jie ? " Mrs Rethamain asked . " HUH ?! No ....... " Her hands was palced on my shoulder ....... " This is getting weird , " I though ! Mrs Rethamain contuined talking to the whole class ........ and she asked , " Mu Jie , did you plan before hand ? " " No ....... I just wrote it . " I admited . " Then I hope that it's not a stroke of luck . " Mrs Rethamain commented . " No ! " No way ! It won't ! After School , I intercalled Ms Ong . Wow ....... there's some Chinese Test after School and I don't know about it ! Excellent me ! I mean ....... I don't know about the timing of the test , not ABOUT the test . Ms Ong came out and she's busy . Ms Ong said , " I see you on Monday after School . " " Okay , " I agreed . " Hey ! By the way , Mr Goh messaged me , saying that you got 35 out of ....... " " 50 " I remembered it like the back of my hand . " Yar , 50 . It's good ! " Ms Ong praised me . " But my Chemisty ....... " " Now , I won't cry for over it . " " .... Okay ...... " " Okay . If there's nothing else , I see you on Monday after School . " I left School and went home and told Mum about what happened during English lesson . Mum asked , " Wrote about how I torture you .... etc ...... etc ....... " I don't know what Mum said ....... I blocked my ears when she said that . After a while , I slept at 5 pm plus . I was sleeping soundly when I woke up , hearing Mum's conversation ....... with ........... Kai Xin , who else ? " We'll meet up some day .... " Mum said . Well , I won't know what was Kai Xin reply since it's a telephone conversation . " I got to know about her inner world through her friends . " Sorry Mum . I don't anyhow show my inner world ! It's private ! No one knows about it unless I want he or she to know about it ........ For example ...... Brother , Ai Hui , Vanassa , Mr Goh , Ms Ong and last but no least , my crush . They had showed me something ....... something which I can't find on other people . They talked about Aunty Jessie ....... how Aunty Jessie compared her son's result with my Brother . Yes .... Brother again . Brother's the glory no matter what ! ............ I don't know much ....... I mean ..... I would rather NOT to know much about their conversation . Yes , their conversations are harmless towards me ....... But .... are they REALLY harmless ?!!?!?!?!?!? I don't know ...... It's sort of ....... Weird ????? I slept again after hearing Mum's conversation . I was on the bed throughout . I only woke up at 8 pm and I went down to eat with Mum . We ate at the hawker centre ...... words hardly passed by our mouths ........ I called Ai Hui at 10 pm plus and asked her to meet me at the garden on Monday during recess . She agreed at once . Ai Hui understands that everytime I asked her to meet me at the Garden during recess , it would mean that my world had gon upside down again ........ Ai Hui praised me about my English .......... Well , truefully , I don't like the feeling of failure , neither do I like the knowledge that someone failed ....... I don't know how well Ai Hui score ...... But Mrs Rethamain did not talk about Ai Hui during English ......

Mr Koh gave me some O level 2004 Emath paper . I did the test .... the code was 4024/01/M/J/04 . Hehe .... MJ ! ~M+J=MJ~ Yeah .... but there's a lot of questions I have problems solving ..... Argh ! I'm scared !!!!!! I did my Chemistry work during recess in the folyer . Ms Ong walked by and asked , " Copy homework ? " She had a looked and questioned me again , " When are you suppose to hand in this assignment ? " " No ... um ..... today . " I answered ..... Argh ! I'm caught red handed !!!! But I wasn't copying .... I'm DOING my homework ! After normal School lessons , I sat for Locus test . Emath Locus test was easy ! It's very very easy !!!! Yeah ! I'm not going to pass ..... Instead ...... I'm going to pass WITH FLYING COLOURS !!!! Yeah ! I'm looking forward the day when Mr Koh return the test paper ! I'm going to score really well !!!! I went to eat with Ai Hui again ... at the coffee shop .... Hm ...... actually , there should be Kai Xin's tuition today at 7.30 pm . But Mum called at 7.15 pm , 15 minutes before the start of tuition , to cancle the tuition ! Funny right ?! Well , I was still eatting ... Mum started making dinner real late ! Plus I have some Chinese Idom Test tomorrow and Mum would like to test me personally , which she did ....

Mdm Yap came in during Chinses lesson and the first thing she did was , " Mu Jie , how are you ? " I answered her that I'm fine . And Mdm Ysp began her lesson ....... Ring ........ Mdm Yap's lesson ended . But Mdm Yap still stay inside the classroom , talking to Jacky , Baoquan , Winston and Yi Yang . Well , those 4 guys again ..... I just rest my heavy head on my desk ...... looking at them ..... When Mdm Yap finally finsih talking to those 4 guys , she came to me and said in Chinses , " Mu Jie , one day , when I am free , I would like to talk to you , " Wow ! I'm immediately wild awake ! Mdm Yap went off after telling me that ...... I went to Ai Hui and told her what Mdm Yap wish .... And told her ....... " I won't be surprise if *** also wants to talk to me ! " I mean ..... what's going on inside the Teacher's office ??? How come ....... suddenly .... every teacher also wants to look for me to have a talk !? Argh !!! I'm thinking too much , as usual ...... During recess , I went to look for Ms Ong . After reading the piece of paper , Ms Ong reassured me that she arn't being a counselor . Ms Ong wants me to write the piece of paper is becasue she is doing Step with other seniors too ..... Well , I see ...... I'm thinking too much !!!! We did some English Narrative Choices during English . I was in a good mood so I just wrote my essay without planning ( Teacher gave us the title before hand ) I know that I'm digging my own grave . But I'm sick and tired of trying to impress my English Teacher with my vocabulary , grammer .. etc ...... I went out of the School to eat with Ai Hui . I don't want to stay inside the School and have my luch with Hui Min , Yvonne , Melody ..... etc ...... I went back to School for Chinses Dance ...... Well , I got to say ....... I'm lonely without Lydia and Sok Ee ! I miss them !!!! At night , I told Brother about Ms Ong and Mdm Yap ... and of couse , me feelings and thoughts . Brother told me , " Who ask you to me so famous among the teachers ? " Um ...... sorry Brother .... But Princesses are famous in one way or another ..... As for Harpy Princess ..... In the notorious way , I guess ..... Ha ha .... My life alright now !

This is the day !!!!! Early in the morning , Mr Koh said to me , " " I'll give you 2004 O level Math Paper 1 . No calculator allowed . " Okay ...... Mr Koh just won't let me off , will he ?! I would sit for some 2004 O level Math Paper 1 while others will sit for the Amath paper . I took a CME workbook from Ms Ong's shelf during recess to copy . Weeks had passed and I finally brough my CME workbook ! I sat with Ai Hui to copy the CME book . I laughted and joked with her . Guess I'm hiding my feelings once again ... I returned the book to Ms Ong's shelf and at the time ...... I was running and I slided down to dump the books back into Ms Ong's shelf . Ms Ong came out from the Teacher's room and she saw me ! " Stealing CME workbook ? " She asked " No ... " Come on ! I'm not that bad ! Ms Ong brough me to one side and asked , " Did you sign your Chemistry paper ? " I was still pondering what excuses to give Ms Ong when she found out that my Paper was not sign . I was still thinking how to prace my reason in such a way that it won't disppoint Ms Ong ...... But it seems that there wasn't a need to . " No . " I confussed . " Why ? Your Mum know about it ?! " Ms Ong asked . Note ! Ms Ong used Mum . Not parents or Dad or anything ..... Did Mr Goh say something about me ..... ??? If not , how come Ms Ong knows about Mum ...... I mean ..... Haiz . I'm thinking too much !!! " No . " I confessed again ..... Well ... just like that . I was in the canteen with Ai Hui , Mei Qi and Hui Min . We were on our way to buy foods when Miss Ang asked me if I want to eat with her ...... I rejected the offer ..... Then ..... I went to find Ms Ong at the needlework room ..... I saw Ms Ong . I went to her . She was discussing about the Chinses New Year thing . I just sat there ... listening ..... Finally ..... Ms Ong talked to me . MS Ong started her sentences with things like ..... " Can you tell me trufully ..... " " Promise me that ..... " " Can you do me a favour ..... " I was caught offfguard by her what she asked and said . Nevertheless ... I'm glad that I talked to her . Ms Ong's so nice .... she's so busy and yet she took the time off to talk to me ..... And there's one thing which she said to me ....... " I would always be there for you , " Ms Ong reassured and promised me . The thing was .... I trusted her . Strange right ? I mean .... a lot of my Church friends told that to me before ... but not that I don't trust them , but somehow .... I don't know how to say it ..... But really .... it seems to me that I would perfre to share with Ms Ong instead of my Church friends ...... It funny how feelings are at times ..... But then ... there's another thing . Ms Ong asked me to write on a piece of paper of our conerstation . Arn't it like a ... counselling ???? And Ms Ong promised me that all these would be between me and her . Nobody would know about what we talked about . So I'm NOT going to post what Ms Ong and I said on this blog . Nevertheless , I will still update you whenever I have these type of talk with my form teacher . I took the courage and asked Ms Ong , " Teacher ..... what did Mr Goh tell you ? " " Mr Goh messaged me ...... etc ..... etc ...... " Oh my ..... I was totally surprise by Ms Ong's reply ..... I want home after that ..... Ms Ong wants me to write about what we talked about ...... I had a hard time thinking what to write about !!! But then ..... I'm really happy today ! I had mead up my mind to tell Ms Ong everything ...... every single thing ..... But the thing was .... I had avoided dicussing SOME topic .... Maybe it's because I'm too used to keep everything inside me ? Nah ! It wan't be like that ! I'll soon be use to share my feelings ....

Damn it ! I've fallen again ! I've fallen once again ! I've fallen ! I don't know . But this time round , I've fallen to a long deep dark narrow hole ! The length is so much longer than the whole world . It's much deeper than the Ocean . It's darked than the night . It's so narrow that even an ant have poblems moving ! It's quiet . Pin drop silence . Graveyard quietness ........... it's so quiet as if you're deaf ! The impact is so huge , the force is so big . I can't regain conscious ! I looked ..... Reg number : 8 . A copy of the Periodic Table is provided at page 8 . Total number of pages : 8 . Totoal mark : 8 / 50 . 8 ! Everywhere also 8 ! I know that New Year is coming .... but 8 ? Fortune ? Nah ! I don't think so ! Fortune ? Yar right ? Bad luck , you mean ? I tried to listen ......... Ms Ong was scolding the class because the whole class did badly for her Pure Chemistey Paper . The highest was only a B3 whereas most of the pupils got a single digit ........ " What did I say is the most important part of Metals ? " Ms Ong asked . ................ Ms Ong asked a number of students . They never answer . The students knew that they've let their Pure Chemistery teacher down . It's far too quiet for a class ........ for my class . It had never been so quiet . I guess , you can not only hear the pin drop , but you can hear the movements of an ant , you can hear the breathing of the person next to you . " Mu Jie ? " Ms Ong expected me to answer her . " Displacement . " I could hardly hear myself despite the silence of my surrounding . Somehow , it turned out that I was correct ! Yes . So ? I knew what' the important part of the Metal topic , do I know how to answer the question ? No ! I went down with Ms Ong after School . I helped Ms Ong to carry the Chemistry files , which I had forgotten to bring . I helped her aggange the files whereas Ms Ong went inside the Teacher's room . I waited ....... And waited ......... Ms Ong never come out ......... Finally , Ms Ong came out ! But she was busy ....... So ............ I would be seening her the next day instead .

I went for Sophia's tution early in the Morning . Yuxuan never come today . So sad .... I'm so bored at the tuition centre ! Nevertheless , when we were asked to read the textbook all by ourselves , we skip paragraphs . It's just like what Yuxuan and I always do . Met with Kai Xin ....... They're treating me like a little baby ! Mum and Kai Xin ! I'm a little baby who can go to neither Church nor Tuition all by myself ! Kai Xin and I went to the KFC near City Harvest to eat lunch . Kai Xin treated me . While eatting , James called me . He asked where's Brother . I told him he's at home alsleep . James posted me the same question and I answered him that I was inside the KFC eatting with Kai Xin . We hunged up and James called again . Brother never answer his Handphone when James call him . James wants Brother's home number . I gave him . Brother ! Sometimes I really wonder why you ....... when you yourself ........ Brother came eatting some crab sandwhich . I greeted him cheerfully and talked to him instead of my Cell Group member . But then .... Brother go to go ! He can't stay for service ........ Oh , too bad ! Brother left and I went for Service ........ I sat with Kai Xin and Diana ....... During the last part of the Service .......... there's always a call for those backslider and those who wants to receive Christ inside the heart ........ I was FORCED by Kai Xin to go down to the front .......... Brother ....... if only you're present ........... Brother !!!!!!!!! It's so ........ I don't know ........ I can't describe it ......... but I know ........ that feeling was horrible !!!! Brother came for fellowship . When I saw him , I ran to him , saying that I need money from my Brother . I don't have any notes on me . But James and I are in different Cell Group . I asked Brother which Cell Group he wants to be with , I asked him what he wants to eat ........ etc ....... etc ..... We talked alot .......... I mean , I asked Brother a lot of questions . Until ..... Vivien came and asked Brother to join her , she's in James' Cell Group ......... Nevermind ......... But what's hurting was that ............. James was taking test ........ and so he never talk to Brother .......... Instead , it was Vivien who kept Brother company ! But at the bustop , James appologised to Brother , " Hey , sorry , I was doing some test . " I went home with Brother and checked my mail ........ Mr Goh had replied me ........ He wants me to contect Ms Ong and talk to her .... Talk , in an informal way . But sharing's the formal way to rephase it , right Mr Goh ? Assure Ms Ong , share with her my problems and feelings . Mr Goh and Ms Ong wants me to share my feelings with them ....... Am I right or am I wrong ? I guess I'm right .... Mr Goh and Ms Ong ..... Hm , I don't mind sharing me thoughts with them . I don't mind telling them my own unique mindset , or my feelings . But then ....... why do they want to know about it ? It arn't interesting ! I believe that my mindset and thoughts and feelings are immature , silly and childish ! So , why do they want to know about it ? And James also . He called and asked me about my life ........ Why do people care and concern about me ? Ms Ong and Mr Goh ? Is it because I'm their pupil ? Because they scared that I'll do some silly things again and don't tresure my life ? It's their duty ! Or is it out of pure love , care and concern ? I wish that it's because of the last reason stated above . Nevertheless ..... as you all should know .... I always keep everything inside me . I don't share it ! I never share it ! To me .... it's like my identity . Only I can know about my feelings , whereas others can't ! It's like something to be proud of ........... to experience things which people never endrue before . Sometimes , I would perfer to bury everything deep down inside my heart . If really have to , let it be bury together with me when I die . One thing doesn't mean anything , but everything means something . Some sort of hurt .... some sort of lonly , some sort of .... happiness . Mr Goh stated in his mail that he wanted me to contect Ms Ong and ask her when she's free . The only way to contect her is via Handphone . And for me , I won't message or anything unless it's really important or someone message me back . So , I went to do my homework after checking my mail . Hui Min messaged me , saying we got to bring Chemistry Ten Year Series . Argh ! Chemistry ! My Chemistry teacher is Ms Ong ! So , okay . I deleted the message after reading it . Few minutes passed and Hui Min message me again ! She wants me to imform Tian Tian . To Hui Min , it might mean nothing , but to me , it means everything ! It's like a sign ..... a sign asking me to contect Ms Ong ...... I messaged Ms Ong ....... And Ms Ong asked me to look for her after School tomorrow , Monday ..........

Went for CCA . I missed the practise on Wednesday . When Mdm Chuang asked my juniors if anyone know where I'm suppose to stand , I heard Hui Min commented , " Who ask her never come last week . " What is this attitude ? I knew that she's a good dancer , can spilt very well ( she got the main lead for the last post all because she can spilt ) .... And so what ? Does a good dancer means that you can show you seniors , you CCA leader attitude ? Well , sorry girl ! You're wrong ! I contected Lydia on my way home . She's going to Ngee Ang Poly . I decided to go with her . We went . I knew more about the Offshore Course . It arn't my cup of tea . So sad . I don't like building a ship , I perfer handing the ship ! We arrived at Jurong East Interchange eariler . Therefore Lydia and I decided to shop at the Popular . I brought my Emath Textbook ..... Well , curse whoever who stole it , okay ? Met with Mum and I went for tuition . Tuition was so much better than last week ! We did our own work . I did Loucs . It refreshed my memory ! That's the topic Mr Koh had been teaching . It's quiet easy , anyway ! My day's alright .... expect for the morning . But thanks Lydia , for asking me out .... even thought I can't go with you to Aris .... Sorry Lydia ....

Argh ! All thanks to Kai Xin , my day was crashed , or was it because I'm asking for it all over again , Brother ? Sometimes , I really hate it when you remind me by using that words ! I arn't asking for it ! Mum made a cup of Milo for my beadfast , and I forgot to drink it . Mum , on knowing that ..... gave me a piece of her mind ! " You are always in your own dreamland ! And what's all about your online diary ? Writing about how sad you were , how I've tortured you , thinking about guys ???! You're dreaming !!!!! " I grew quiet .... very quiet ....... pin drop silence ..... Graveyard sounds . Why is my life all upside down again ? I though my life would be fine after James' call ...... I did not tell him about how I feel about Mum's and Kai Xin conversation ...... And why was it so ? All because I was too navie , too simple minded ! I TRUSTED ( and I really mean trusted ) Kai Xin NOT to say things which anger Mum ...... Trust .... Just like the time when I trusted Mr Goh not to say bad things about me to Mum . I was so wrong ...... so very wrong ...... Well , James , would you please kindly message me again ? I've said nothing much about my life cause I though it's alright already .... Now let me tell you how BAD my life is ! As much as I wish all these thing I've took time to type are formed by my imagation , it arn't ! I may sound confused at time , seemed to have been hurted by a lot of people numberous of time . Nevertheless , through all these .... part and parcel of life , I've grown stronger . It made me mature . I see things from a very different angle , a new point of view . I saw how mankind is .... I saw how serotype people are . I saw how competitive the sociality is . I understood what lonely means ........ " Show me the meaning of being lonely " by Backstreet Boys ? It's one of my favoutive songs , introudced by no other than my Brother . All those I've typed , they are real incident which happened to me . I may not make myself very clear as to what was bothering me at times ( like now ) , that's because I myself also have no idea ....... As how I felt at times , I don't know too . A lot of my readers commented that I sounded sad ........ Am I ? I got no idea ! " What's wrong with posting my own feelings online ? " I questioned Brother . " The thing is , " Brother took his own sweet time to consider , " you don't fall apart . " " How can I not fall apart when things happened one after another ? " I asked Brother again . " Romans Verse 5 line 3 . " I did my work in the afternoon . English Holiday Assagiment . I wrote about " My worst mistake " for Journal writting . Yes . My very worst mistake was ..........

Oh my ...... Everything just happened like this .... without a pause for me to adapt to the sudden changes .... it just came to past when my day ended .... I went to the restroom during Geography period . The class was given some assignment to do but I was far to tired to complete it , plus it's only a few more minute before the next period . I went in and switched on my Handphone , and began typing a message to Kai Xin . I asked her not to come for tuition today . I went back class after that . During Math lesson today , there was a announcement made by Ms Lee , " Can everyone gather in the parade ground now . Do not walk by the foyer . " After tha announcement , Mr Koh still carried o teaching . But we were dismissed soon . We went to the parade ground . The sun was buring , and the teachers don't want us to get heatstroke , thus they ordered us to sit under the shade . We did . I sat with Ai Hui , Zhi Hui , Jacky , Winston , Yi Yang , Bao Quan .... We were bored . Ai Hui , Jacky and Yi Yang began asking riddles and letting others answer . I arn't good with riddles , so I jsut sat there , listening to them , mainwhile , helping Ms Ong to look after her white colour tray . She was teaching 4E6 Math before she came down . Well , I really enjoyed the time together with the gang . But we were soon dismissed for recess . Ai Hui and I wanted to go to the garden , but we were stopped by Mr Khor . Physics Test was cancled since Phycics Period was over , due to the sudden announcement . God's by my side ! God is with me ! God is helping me ! Amen !!! We talked a little ..... and I found out something I don't with to know ....... I've failed my Physics Paper 1 ..... 18 / 30 ? Ai Hui and I walked pass the foyer , using the corridoor of those Scicnce Labs . Wow ..... The tiles were overturned . Forced out of their space by some unknown force . Two horizonal lines intersecting at the very middle of the foyer . One of the line was borned right infront of the Scince Lad , ending at the front ( or maybe inside ) the General Office . Another line was from the staricase to the end of the foyer . So , I guess you can somehow .... think how dreadful the accident would be if it's during recess time or dismissal . What actually happened ? What lead to such a huge explosion ? No one knows ..... at least for now . Ai Hui and I managed to reach the garden unharm ... we sat at our usual place .... Ai Hui promised that we would talk about MY future ....... but she seems engrossed with the bomb , so I decided to drop the topice , at least for now . Most of us went to Nang Yang Poly after School . For some unknown reason , I prefer Ngee Ang Poly . Maybe it's because of Feelings ? Neverytheless , Poly or Junior Collage . I've settled with my CCA . It will be Cheerleading ! I'm not going to be like my Brother . I won't follow his footsteep ... He was so commited with Photographic Society that he quitted Cheerleading . I went home with Ai Hui . On my way , I messaged Ms Ong , asking if she had marked our Chemistry Paper . She replied me , " No , marked the first page only . " The I decided it might be the best time for me to say out my wish , " I don't want to take Combine Science . " By the time I reply her , I was already half way through my dinner . Ms Ong called my Handphone . Ms Ong asked me why I don't want to drop the subject . I just said , " Family . " Ms Ong claimed that she wants me to take Combine Science , and not only that . She wants to see me taking A1 or an A2 for that subject . ........ Arn't Ms Ong very similar to Mr Goh ? Mr GOh wants to see me getting an A1 for Emath , and now MS Ong wants to make sure I'll get an A1 for Science ..... I don't know ...... Have the overestimated me ? Or am I the one underestimating myself ? I don't know ..... But there's 1 thing I'm very sure ..... That is ....... No matter what , I won't ever let both of them down again ! Ms Ong ended her phone convasation with me by saying , " Family there , Mr Khor and I will settle . Okay ? I just reached home . Got to go and have my dinner now . My Mum is calling . " Haiz ..... I'll leave that aside for the time being ...... Soon after , Kai Xin knocked on the door . What the ????? I thought I've told her that I don't want tuition today ????? I opened the door and said , " I just reached home . " Well , lucky , the very first thing I did when I reached home was - use the internet . I was still in my School PE attire ! Kai Xin said , " Oh , I've just came to talk only . " Kai Xin , Mum and I talked a little . Kai Xin asked Mum where she wants me to go to . Mum answered after much though , " If she have the ability , then I would want her to go to Junior Collage . But if she can't , I won't mind her going in to Poly . " Well , Mum , you don't have to parse until like that . You don't have to torture yourself like that ! You don't have to think twice before breaking my heart the zillion times , as if you have not hurted me enough with your words ! I was forced to bathe by Mum and Kai Xin . I cleaned myself with recorded speed and began to eavesdrop them . Something inside me told me that things are bad ..... very bad . I'm in for a big big trouble . I'm in a hot soup ..... I'm dead ! I listened . " Mujie always meet with her boyfriends in the block deck before going to the tuition . " Mum said . Hello ?! It must be what the B***H told Mum months before ! It had been months , Mum ! Bother ladies exchanged Handphone numbers ..... Then I heard Mum saying , " It's she herself who don't want to go . " To church , you mean , Mum ? I always though that you would be happier if I put my education in the fist place , seems that I'm wrong . Fine then , I'll put education in the LAST place from now on ! " She even read novels during exam period . " Well , now , Mum . What I read was LITERATURE NOVEL !!!! Not any novels you find inside the Library . Literature Paper was a few days away ! You ask me NOT to read the Novel ? Oh , well , fine . Anyway , I'm aiming to put education in the last place . After that , " She wants to go into the Media Course . " Mum told Kai Xin . Kai Xin stood up for me by saying , " But it's her interest ! " Ah , well .... Well , well , well . Thanks a branch !!!! But nothing can be compared when Kai Xin told Mum " Mu Jie has an online diary . I went in there a number of times before . She sounded quite sad . " And you know what's Mum's respond ? " Mum Jie read a lot of trashing novels . She'll think that she's the main lead and ... etc .... etc ..... very pityful . Being abused by people ... etc .... etc ... " Now , now , now . I have to make a stand ! Everything I wrote are true ! And there's other things which happened today . So I'll talk more about that for tomorrow's entry . All the while , I was standing by the door of the Materbedroom ..... shivering .... Was it becasue of the water droplets evaporating , finilly got back the freedom the have ? Those energetic water particles broke free from other particles due to vabration ? Or was it because I'm guilty conscience ? The anger inside me , fighting it's way out so that the have air to breath ? I went out of the Masterbedroom , where I was bathing inside . " Mu Jie , you stop there . Why you nver go Church and never tell me ? " Mum demanded . " When ? I though you knew about it ? Got once I was dismissed at 12 pm plus , I cam back to eat , by that time I was alread late ! And Brother was suppose to go with me on that week ! " " Okay , then why you didn't tell me you've cancled the tuition ? " Mum asked again . " I always tell you when I HAVE tuition ! Plus I have so many tests ! I don't study just 1 subject only ! " " You have som many days to study ! " Now , I've gave up ! No point . I left them .... with my eyes wet . I went to the computer tabel and demanded my Brother to give up the Computer seat and let me use the Computer . He did , after I threatened to invaded his privacy as I got hold of his Handphone . I could easily unlock the keypads and scroll down to " Messages " and click " Select " unter the subtitle of " Inbox . " I used the Computer , but I could still hear Mum and Kai Xin's converstation ! MUm said something like ..... " Both grew up together , but I don't know why she's like that . " Oh yar ! Right ! Brother and I grew up together ..... but have you been showing us with the same type of love or respect ? You know the answer yourself ! Kai Xin left ...... I went offline and do my work . But I could not concentre . I was checking my Handphone half the time ! Am I expecting that it would explode like my School foyer today ? Well , it vibrated and I leaped up . Unlock the keypad as fast as I could and began to read the message . James - If can , please call me . Thank you . ???? I dailed his number on my Handphone . James apologised to me .... and he asked about Brother . I handed the Phone to Brother and I heard Brother saying something like ..... " If she felt the affinity towards God ..... etc .... etc ..... " Brother handed me back my Handphone and James asked me to call him using my Home Phone . He scared that my Handphone bill would explode , even though I'm not the one paying the bills . So , we talked ..... for about half an hour ? Finally , he got down to business , " So , what is bothering you ? There's something bothering you . And I am very worry for you . " " HUH ??? " " Come on , share with me . " And I did . Words that passed between could only be found inside me , inside my mind . I won't type it out ..... I thought that it would do me some good if I hurt myself again after hearing Mum's conversation with Kai Xin . But 2 things which prevented me from doing so ...... My promise to Mr Goh and Ms Ong ...... And the Phone call with James . He just know how to make me laugh instead of crying . Crying ....... Oh yes . I have a good mind to cry out everything at night . strangely , everything's in place now . There's no need for me to feel sad or what so ever .

It's the worst day for me !!!!! Literature teacher was not here today , Ai hui kept me company by telling me about her Buddish trip to some country . Well , I went to the loo to avoid Ai Hui . I can't ..... Especially NOT now ! Ai Hui is trying to get me back .... to Buddist . And I can't do it .... I don't have the strength and everything ..... I switched on my Handphone while I was inside the loo . There was a message from Ms Ong . I replied her . As for my lunch , I ate with almost the whole class . Jacky , Yi Yang , Winston , Vanassa , Sumathi ..... Ai Hui , Hui Min , Mei Qi . So , yeah ! I did enjoyed my lunch ! Soon , we board the bus to Ngee Ang Poly . I sat with Ai Hui at the front of the bus , behind Ms Ong ..... Ms Ong was busy marking attendance , making sure every student were present ..... etc ..... She walked pass me and said , " I'll talk to you later . " Er ........ The bus engine was started and Ms Ong went back to her seat and said " So , you alway message me when I'm busy . " " Huh . I am always very free . " I replied with a smile . " So , what do you want to talk about ? " Ms Ong asked . " Huh ... got 2 things ... " I tried very hard but I left my speech hald way there . " What 2 things ? Chemistry ? " Ms Ong encouraged me talk some more . I agreed with her . Yes . Chemistry . Sat for the paper the day before and I knew how well I would score . " You want to hear my own advice ? " I nooded in aggrement . And she suggested that I take Combine Science . Ah well ...... Whatever ! I admited that I don't know those chemistry equation . And Ai Hui and I began fighting . " No ! Oxygen is " O " right ? Then plus " CO2 " , equals to " CO3 . " " No ! It's " O2 " ! " Argh ..... we agured and Ms Ong went quiet ..... No way ! That arn't the way I want it to be ! So , I asked Ai Hui to shut up ! So , I said , " Um .... Ms Ong ...... what did Mr Goh tell you ar ? " " Tell me about what ? The class ? " Ms Ong asked " Huh ....... no ..... about ..... um ...... me ? " Then Ms Ong knocked my head with paper and said , " You ar you . Why so silly ? Never treasure your life . " I laughted out loud and nooded my head . " You ar . Don't laugh and laugh . You are laughing outside , but bleeding outside ! You alright or not ? " I nooded my head again . And somehow , Ai Hui said to Ms Ong , " Ms Ong , to tell the truth , Mu Jie always cry because of her family . " Oh my !!!!! I hid myself behind the seat . " You see . Got anything must look for me , don't hide . " Ms Ong posted her concern in a very stren tone . Somehow , we reached the Neeg Ang Poly . I walked around with Ai Hui . Wow . Ngee Ang is very cool ! I loved the Library over there . But it's quite big , luckly Ngee Ang Poly had provided free shuttle bus inside it's compund . We went to the bustop after walking around inside the Ngee Ang Poly . Ai Hui and I bumped into Mariam her frined . We board the SBS bus together . Actually planned to take the bus to Boon Lay MRT station . But Ai Hui wants to get down at Clementi station . I got down with her . And on the MRT , Ai Hui posted me a question , " So , how ? The talk with Ms Ong ? " " Huh ? What talk ? Abou what ? " I acted innocent . So , we talked a little . There's one thing which I remembered clearly . Ai Hui said , it's your choice , you know . I got down at Jurong East Interchange . I went inside the Popular to look for some Physics Ten Year Series . I found Physics Ten Year Series which I really like . It was just like the Chemistry Ten Year Series which Ms Ong broguht for us . But there was 1 problem ....... there's only Combine Science - Physics . Not Physcis . I got no choice , so I brought another Physics Book . Readers ..... you know something about me ? That is .... I believe in faith . I hugged my newly brought Physics book close to my heart while boarding the buss home . Half the time resisting the urge to throw them on the ground and steep on them ! I reached home and Mum greeted me , " So how's Ngee Ang Poly ? Any course interest you ? " Mum fired the most unexpected question to me . Media , was my brief answer . " What ? Hui Ying Cousin said it's not a good job . " I went silence after that and went inside the Masterbed room and dumped my School Uniform onto the floor . Since I can't throw my Physics Books down onto the floor , clothes are are good a good substitute ! That night , I have a great mind to message Ms Ong and / or Mr Goh . I don't have the same strength to revise my Physics . There's Paper 2 tomorrow ..... and IF I fail .......... What's the use of learning that subject when you know deep down inside your heart that you can't master that ? Okay , the subject maybe sits on me like a badge of glory , sparking it's brightest wheneven I'm at home ..... But , it's losing it's brightness as days went by .... Day by day , the badge collected dust ... It became darker ..... Blacker ....... Dirtier...... It's decompose ..... Break down into smaller pieces and accumlate it's small pieces inside my house . Who knows ? It might even become filthy ! That night , I thought I migth have a good cry when I'm on my bed . But instead , not a single tear rolled down my face . Strange . Don't tell me that now only bleeding help since I can't cry much anymore ....... Oh yes ! I forgot to type something ...... I CHATTED WITH HIM ONLINE YESTERDAY !!!!!! Well , so I guess my day arn't THAT bad ......

Woke up by Ms Ong's message again . She's angry ! She's fustrated ! All because I kept giving her excuses whenever she wants to meet me and have a nice chit chat ! No No No ! Ms Ong , you've got it all WRONG ! Like I've said in my Sunday's post , I would tell you everything ...... NO secrets ! Now that I've made up my mind , you're telling me , " If you don't want to talk , it's alright with me . " Ms Ong , I really DO want to talk . But , haven you realized that everytime , either you have meetings or I have something on ? Time does not allow us to chat , not me , not my mind , not my HEART ! School lessons are usual ..... There was a Chemistry Mock Exam Paper 2 .... Well , I can predite what I would get ... so I don't bored you faithful readers of mine to tears . After Chemistry , it was CME . Ms Ong's lesson again . We did some " self reflections " on what we did the last few days ..... Hm , I was wondering if I should write Jun Zhan's style " Wonder Wondering " or " Pondering " I did not write down those 2 in the end . I did PONDERED hard if I should write it or not . But I guess not . I'll be too dangerous ! Afther that , Ms Ong asked the whole class .... " How many of you share you problems with you parents , or Brothers or Sisters ? " Ms Ong asked the whole class Hm ... let me think ..... parents ? Yar .... as if ! Brother ...... ? Can .... but he seems a bit distance nowadays ..... I ended up not raising my hand . I looked behind me ..... Ai Hui had her hand raised up high , won't be surprise if she touched the sky . Vanassa too ..... Hm , maybe ..... there are times when I hate Ai Hui . I mean ... not really hate . But she shared everything with her parents . She even admited that she told her family members about me ! Jealous ? I doubt so . I don't mind her sharing .... but then , sometimes ..... what her parents said are ture ... but hurting too ..... " How many of you share your problems , fears with your peers ? " I thought about it ..... Vanassa ? Yar ... should be ...... but we arn't that close .... I mean , we are close . She knew everything about me . But then .... somehow .... I felt that I'm closer to Ai Hui . Ai Hui ? Nah ...... she don't know something very deep and dark about me ...... Vanassa knew about it ....... So , I ended up not raising up my hand . " How many of you keep your fears to yourself ? " Me ??????? Hm .... I don't know .... But I got share about my past few days " adventure " with Ai Hui and Vanassa . So , I never keep it to myself ...... right ? So , I'm not here , not there either ...... Haiz ..... I hate CME lessons !!!!!

Wow ! Cold sweat today ! First period for today was Mr Koh . He was so angry that he threw the Amamth notebook down onto the floor ! Shouting ....... He was so furious ! But I'm not the cause of it ..... since I've dropped Amath ....... A blessing in diguse ? I doubt so . The other lessons are still " Okay . " Oh yes . I borrowed Ms Ong's textbook for Mr Koh's emath lesson . Ms Ong textbook has all the answers written nicely in the textbook itslef ! I actually sit with some other classamtes , but I saw Hui Min and Meiqi . So I ended up sitting with them .... They talked about Mr Koh's " action " this morning . Then contuined to talk about Kevin and Vanassa , since both of them were not in School today . Well , there would be some " Corrections " lessons agter school . Mr Koh would return some Aamth test for them , and he wanted them to do corrections after School . Before Mr Koh left , I asked him .... " Mr Koh , do I need to stay back today ? " He said " You ? Horrendous ! " Okay , face it , Mu Jie . You are a BIG DUMB LOSER IN MATH ! IN EDUCATION ! Mr Koh took my test paper out from his tray and had a look " 4 to the power of 0 also don't know . You do your corrections with red pen . " I looked at my paper .......... 35/50 ! I passed ! Not boarderline ! I'm so happy , of some unknown reason . There was no Physics paper 2 today , instead it was Physics paper 1 !!! And well , I flunked it ! Ms Ong lesson was next . It was in the lab . We went in there .......... and Ms Ong told me that she have tuition after School , she can't see me ...... At first , Wei Wen took a long time to collect some group work Chemistry Ten Year Series .... And Ms Ong took a long time to settle her mic .... By the time everything was done , 15 minutes was gone . But surprise ! Ms Ong was not angry . She started teaching her lessons using Powerpoint . After a few slides , Ms Ong caught Kenneth writting something . She went to his place and realized that Kenneth was copying her Chemistry aggisnment . She wanted those who never do her work to stand up . I was caught guilty ! She did lecture us awhile , but after that , she contuined her teaching ...... Suddenly , Ms Ong caught Winnie doing some other thing ! Now , that's the last straw for her ! She stopped teaching ...... And gave us some answer to copy . After that , Ms Ong said " You all know your speed of reactions very well already right ? I teast you , starting from Mu Jie . If anyone repeat the same thing , there would be punishment ! Mu Jie , you start . " I flipped through my file , " Why me , Ms Ong ?! " " Temperature would affect the spped of reaction . " I muttered . And so , it goes on ..... But one of my classmate said , the faster the coulour change , the faster the speed of reaction . Ms Ong asked the guys " Is it true ? " Han Chuan said " Yes " And that's it ! We were to copy the concept map of speed of reaction for 10 times ! And we got to memorise it ! After school , I did finsih my Math Corrections . Mr Koh wanted me to help him file the Amath test paper . Some of our classmate have English Lesson after School , and it crushed . But only 10 of my classmates . And Mr Koh wanted me to help those 10 people to file . I did and was dismissed . I went to the folyer and put my bag down . I saw Ms Ong . Her lesson had just finished . I went to the NCC room and collected 21 Emath test papers . I stuffed all of them inside my School Bag and went to the table where Ms Ong was sitting . Ms Ong was with some Secondary 3 pupils . I waited for such a long time ....... Well , we did talked .... but that's not I want . We bumped into a number of classmates in the folyer ..... and we were inturped ! Sigh ...... Before I knew it , Ms Ong was talking to a group of my classmates about stress ..... etc ...... etc ..... Some of them confussed that that they have to do all their homework before they sleep , even those which deadlines are days away . Gee , sorry ! No matter how long the deadline is , I wouldn't complete the work on time for last year ..... Haha . I went home ans showed my Mum the Emath test paper . 35/50 ! Instead of praising me , my scolded me ! She asked me why so many CARELESS mistakes ! Well , sorry , I don't have any . Yar , I know , the answers are a few numbers away , that's becasue I've used the wrong method ! I'm so down , so sad , so disppointed ..... To think that now , I've finally passed my first math test ...... Mum broke my heart ...... I messaged Mr Goh at night . Telling him about my score .... at least , there's somebody who encouraged me WHOLE - HEARTLY !!!!!!

Haiz ...... I went to that stupid tuition again . This time better since Yuxuan was around . I can only talk to him , since I am not that close to others .... That B***H told us to get a file for her tuition . But Yuxuan , another guy and I forgot all about it . She asked us to buy from her , $0.80 . Yuxuan said he don't have any money , the another guy said he only have $0.40 . I don't have any coins , so I gave her $2.00 . And she said I would pay for the guys . I went to shop after that . Brought glow in the dark things ..... a calander and some stationary . Well , curse whoever who stole my bag ! I got to spent about $3.00 plus to replace my compass and other things like liquid paper . I went home to eat my lunch and went to the Jurong East Popular to replace my calculator . I went there and asked a salegirl to get out 2 calculator for me to see . The first 1 I looked costed $30.00 plus ..... I looked at the second calculator . $16.oo plus . I choosed the second calculator , thinking that it looked a lot like my Brother's . I went home and unwarp it , I was so happy ! It was the very same brand of the pass - me - down calaulator !!!! Yeah ! I started mugging for Physics ..... Oh yes ! Diana messaged me , asking me if I would come for Service today , and asking me if I'm alright ( she had been reading my blog ) . I replied her , No , I am not going for Church , I got to see Ms Ong on Monday . Diana said she would call me . And I couldn't concernate on my Physics for the rest of the day . I went cycle alone , while Brother and Mum jogged . Cycle ......... I love it ....... The wind , the speed , and the acceleration . Finally ... I understood everything ...... If Diana call my tonight , I would tell her everything . Everything .... about MS Ong , Mr Goh ..... And if I am talking to Ms Ong tomorrow , I would tell her the truth too . Mr Goh asked my to be frank towards Ms Ong ...... And I would ! The truth , about the " Black Sheep " about my problems ..... Cycling cleared my thoughts . During dinner , I told Brother that Ms Ong wants to see me . He said " Good ! " I asked " Good ? I'm scared ! " Brother encouraged me , " Yar ? Why so scared ? Your teacher wants to talk to you only . " Yar . Why am I so scared ? It's not as if Ms Ong would eat me up .... Diana never call me ...... Physics Paper 2 tomorrow ...... I'm scared ! I wish that I could message him like last time ......

I went to the School for some Chinses dance practice . I don't want to talk much about it .... Cherly talked to me about her problems . She's abit lost in the boy girl realitionship ..... and the guy was Jerermy Ng ..... Can you believe it ?! I mean ..... Lydia , you understand ..... don't you ?! I stayed at home the whole day doing my homework . Cousin's maid came and did some housework . Well , I am quite please about myself these few days . I have been handing up homeworks ! Current Affair Journal ! I've did it ! If I contuintue to be like this ..... I believe that I can get a good result for my O level ...... I can , right , readers ?

I was sound asleep when my Handphone vibrate . I thought it was my Handphone alarm went off . So , I got up and changed into School Uniform . When I went back to my room to comb my hair , I then heard my Handphone alarm went off ! I stopped the alarm , and realized that I was actually awaken by a message . I read .... Ms Ong - Meet my at C208 today . No way ! I have Chinses test today , after that dental , finally follow by tuition . I told her that .... Early in the morning , Ms Ong was marking the attendance in the parade ground . Then she came to me and asked me to stand up ... I was puzzled .... Scared to be exact ! " So , how ? Today afternoon ? " Ms Ong asked " Huh ...... I have dental ..... " " Then ? Monday after School ? Um ..... got Mr Koh's lesson .... but is Amath . I don't know if I need to go or not . " " okay ..... you know why I want to see you right ? " " Yar ... Mr Goh told me already ..... " I muttered . " Okay . Sit down . " After that , Ms Ong went to talk to Vanassa . I thought ...... Ms Ong talked to Vanassa ? Must be nothing much .... I sat for my Chinses Test and went to the canteen to eat lunch with my juniors . I messaged Ms Ong . " I'm free now till about 3 pm . Want to meet ? " After sending the message , I went to walk . Well , it was the route me , Lydia and I used to take when I was in Secondary 1 . I miss Lydia and Sok Ee ! Guess now , they're my only friends ..... look at the way SOME of them treated me ! I left School shortly after that . Ms Ong finally rpelied me " Other days . DOn't worry . " Don't worry ? Don't be scard ? I don't know .... I went for dental and met Warren . We talked a while before Warren got to go . I rushed back to Jurong East for that B***H tuition ...... It was ... simply a waste of a Princess' time ! Know what ? A number of students never come . And ended up there's only 2 of us . Me and another guy . And know what math topic we did ? Speed time graph ! Hello !?!?!? I've told you that I've learn that last year , I've given back everything Mr Goh taught me ! Ask me to do something I've done last year ?! You got to be kidding if I remember the stepts ! Mr Koh's teaching locus now ! Not some stupid speed time graph ! I met with Mum inside the NTUC . We went to buy a School Bag .... Mum brought 1 for Brother too .... We went back home and Brother staying out late tonight . I took the chance and sign in online MSN . Vanassa was online ..... she messaged me . Vanassa : Hi Mu Jie : Yoz girl ! Mu Jie : Where's your ***** ? Vanassa : Please ... Ugh! Everyone is disturbing already ! Mu Jie : Really ... Haha . But you both always together , people of cous would suspect ..... Vanassa : We aren't sticking together.. it's attraction that can't be avoided ! Mu Jie : Please girl ! Vanassa : So how are you ? Mu Jie : Very very bad ! Vanassa : How come ? What did Miss Ong asked you in the morning at the parade ground ? Mu Jie : Sigh ...... that's the problem ! What did u overheard ? Vanassa : I never hear anything ... cause after she spoke to you ..... she approached me.. so can tell me what she ask please ? Mu Jie :I see ...... well , it's a very long story ........ Vanassa : Okay .... but did you mention anything about me? Mu Jie : What you mean ??? At where or to who ? Miss Ong ? Vanassa : Yup ...... to Miss Ong Mu Jie : Nope ..... Why ? And what did she talk to you about ? I am getting suspious ! Now , when Vanassa asked me " How am I " , I though it was just some short of ... starting a convasation ...... I never thought .... that ...... Vanassa : Okay ...... nevermind ........ Mu Jie : What she talk to you about ? I promise you that after you tell me , i'll tell u too .... about everything in my life .... I really need some listening ears . Something's not right . And I knew it . Even thougt it's a very big promise ... I would stick to my promise , as long as Vanassa tell me what Ms Ong ask her . Vanassa : You know that you can count on me righ ? So just say it ..... Well , she asked if I was close to you.. then I said I guess I am one of the closest to you in the class ... hmm ..... is it true ? Am I the closest or one of the closest? Mu Jie : Is that what she really say !? Oh my ........ Mr Goh's the problem now ! Okay ... I'll tell my story ...... No way ! A big fat " No way ! " Mr Goh can't do this to me ! He con't tell Ms Ong EVERYTHING about me , can he ? Like I said in my 12/1/05 post ...... if everybody puts everything he or she knows about me , they'll get my whole life naked ! Vanassa : He told everything about you to her ? Mu Jie : I cried in the garden on tuesday recess cause I've lost my bag , I was with Ai Hui , Mr Koh walked by and advised me to look for Ms Ong . I did . I was crying very hard when I talked to Miss Ong cause the thing is , Mum called me a black sheep during the holiday , and I was feeling so down cause well , my key was inside my bag , and my personal organizer , so my whole family got to change the locks ... etc . Dad changed the lock till 2 am plus , I was feeling so so very bad ........ and that's not all ! Vanassa : Then ? Mu Jie : I keep contect with Mr Goh via e-mail, and I wrote about me cutting my wrist inside e mail , Mr Goh read it and told Ms Ong .... then , the last day of school last year , I got to meet the parent , Mr Goh saw me looking very down , he talked 2 me , we talked , then I said I always chat with you when I'm online .... Mr Goh called me on Wednesday , Ms Ong messged me on Wednesday too ..... Ms Ong wants to talk to me , and I'm sort of advoiding it ! Vanassa : Don't avoid! Vanassa : Believe me .... she is one of the best person you can talk to! Vanassa : Trust me when I say this! Mu Jie : Ms Ong and Mr Goh are very worry about me ... everything crush together ! Lost my bag and cried , then Mr Goh read e - mail , few days after I cried ..... Oh my ! I don't know ........ Vanassa : Eh! But I told Miss Ong that even Ai Hui who is your closest friend treats you badly at times .... true right ? Mu Jie : What !!!!!!!!!! But why do you say so , i mean ... how come you feel that way ? Vanassa : You told me once ! Vanassa : Or was it in your blog that you said that she was selfish and stuff you out !! Mu Jie : Blog ......... No doubt , sometimes she is , she got her choice to be with who , you know .... sometimes , she would perfer to be with Mei Qi ...etc .... and most of the time , I ask her school work ... etc... which might anger her or what so ever .... Vanassa : Yup ... I can see that .. Mu Jie : Vanassa ........ you know on tuesday . I was crying , Mr Koh came and advise me to talk to Ms Ong . Ai Hui went to intercall , then she went away , leaving me alone with Ms Ong only ! It turned out that she was with Mei Qi , Hui Min ! I needed some moral support at that time , you know .......... Vanassa : Tell me honestly : it is only my clique that welcomes you with open arms and treats you well right ? Mu Jie : Yes ! Mu Jie : So far ..... Guess only now , I can talk to you freely ....... I can't even seek my ****** friends ....... Vanassa : Ha Ha Ha ! I'm open 24 hours .... handphone is on all day ...... anything just give me a buzz okay ? Like I have been saying you need help tell me ?! You really do ........ But I don't know why you're not apporaching anyone ...... Mu Jie : They're worry , Mr Goh said I've let him and Ms Ong down when I cut my wrist ..... But to tell you trufully , i never thought my actions would intrest people , especially not teachers ! Call me selfish or what so ever , I never thought about anyone when I held the penknife ..... Vanassa : I see ...... actually I kind of understand your pain ...... Mu Jie : How would anyone understand ? I've lost my bag , and now teahers want to know why I did such a thing ! I've done the Ten Year Series and yet , lowest in class . And Mum was nagging and nagging , Mum called me a black sheep righ in my face ! Mu Jie : You know what Ai Hui said when I told her that on Tuesday ? She said " Where got a Mum call her daughter a black sheep ? " ....... Mu Jie : I'm the only one who dropped A math , so what ......... embrasse ? Vanassa : It may seems harsh or whatever .. but this is what I will do .. Mu Jie : You're talking ages to type ! Vanassa : Don't care what your Mother says.. just get determined and work hard to prove her wrong... in the end she will feel the hurt for insulting you this badly... Vanassa : In the end.. the results belongs to you .. not her ! She's just being biased !!! Mu Jie : She don't even know that I'm hurted by what she said ! To me , it seems like she've forgotten all about it .... results . You know how hard it is ? With my Brother around !? Vanassa : Why do you want to care about people who don't even care about you ?? You tell me ? Mu Jie : Cause she's my Mum .... Vanassa : Do you think she deserves to be called a Mother when she calls her daughter the black sheep of the family ?? Mu Jie : Vanassa !!!! Vanassa : What ? Mu Jie : You can't be angry with your Mum like that ! She gave birth to you ........ Well , my Mum did say something right at my face too ........ she said ...... I can give birth to you , I can make you die also ... Mu Jie : Guess ..... I'm really a black sheep . My studies S***K ! Brother from special , now National Junior Collage ! I might even have problem going to poly .......... haiz ........ Vanassa : After all that your Mum has said to you .... you still keep quiet ? I don't mean that you have to go against her ...... just keep quiet and listen ... but you should really go all out to porve her wrong ....... and after your O levels throw shit on her face ! Vanassa : He he he ! Sorry about the last line . Mu Jie : I doubt I can ! Brother's the apple of her eyes ! Mu Jie : Nevrmind about that ! Vanassa : Let him be any fruit of her eye ..... you just work hard okay ??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vanassa : You want me to help you or not ??! Tell me honestly ? Vanassa : Don't just say No.. Mu Jie : What's the use of study when no one praise you or what so ever ?! Talking about all these , I remembered .... towards the end of Secondary 2 , when waiting for the news of which class we're going next year ........ Mum said it would be a stroke of luck if I get into Pure class , I should laugh if I get into Combine ....... But I did got into Pure class ..... she never praise me or what so ever ! Mu Jie : I do really wish u to help ..... but ... how can you help me ? Vanassa : In anyway ... I can be your counselor .. your tuition teacher .... your listening ear .... your friend .. you choose .. Mu Jie : Everything please ! Vanassa : I can ! Mu Jie : That'll be great !!!! Vanassa : Yup ..... by the way , you must understand me also okay ? Until mid March, I will be busy with hockey .. I'll will help as much as I can ..... But after march ! We can go full swing ....... how abt that ? Mu Jie : Haha ... that'll be real good .... Anyway , Mum want me to drop everything .... CCA and Church in Arpil ....... Don't know how to tell my Chruch Friends ........ Come to think of it , I've let them down too . Vanassa : Stop putting yourself down !!! Mu Jie : But that's the truth .... Come to think of it . Mu Jie : If Ms Ong and Mr Goh are worried about me , and I've let them down ..... surly I've let down my Chruch Friend too ..... I've made them worry about me too ..... Vanassa : From now on .... you should'nt be feeling in such a negative manner ! If you have let people down , the only way to repay them is through your actions and work ! Believe me ! You can do it if you don't give up so easily and continue working hard... Mu Jie : ... Vanassa : People might say a thousand things about you .. but it all depends on how you take things .... it is either you push yourself or be a loser and accept whatever they say ... so choose what you want to be ... a person who doesn't fall under presssure or a pure loser ? Vanassa : Sorry think I'm being hard ..... cause being hard is the only way to get even with yourself! Mu Jie : A person who doesn't fall under presssure Vanassa : Yeah ! So from TODAY onwards, THIS VERY DAY , MOMENT ... let people say whatever they want about you ... they may criticise and put you down ...... just remain focus on what you have done ... and keep trying!! Mu Jie : But .... what about Ms Ong there ? Vanassa : When she talks to you .. you make sure you tell her about this conversation .. and just tell Miss Ong the truth about everything . Don't hide anything ..... put the past behind you once and for all and work on the present and your future !! Mu Jie : ........... Easier say then done ..... Vanassa : I know that ... but you have to be strong! Mu Jie : What if after everything ........ she wannts to talk to my Mum or something ? Ask me go to a counsellor ? Haiz ...... From the start , I should not have send Mr Goh e - mails ....... Vanassa : Speaking that truth isn't easy ...... you just have to do it ..... you tell her ..... that you don't need a counsellor ......... Mu Jie : Caus I have an excellent counsellor right here now ! Vanassa : Indeed ! Vanassa : Wait ...... don't you think my advices are motivational and good..? Mu Jie : Of cause they are ! Vanassa : Okay ..... caus wait I talk so much but then no effect like wasting my time and years ...... Mu Jie : It won't ! Vanassa : Good . Mu Jie : .. By the way , come to think of it ...... I'm blogging ... you asked Kevin to ask me join you guys on Monday ! Vanassa : Yeah Mu Jie : Expected ......... Mu Jie : But why did you do it ? Vanassa : Causs it wasn't nice to see you alone ...... while everyone else was together . Mu Jie : I know ..... I know .. But Ai Hui was in classroom .... so , I ate alone ...... sorry that I regected the offer ...... Vanassa : It's ok Vanassa : Eh ... try to finish this wekend's assignment okay ? Your journal I help you edit in school okay ? How about that ? Mu Jie : Hey ! That's a great idea ! But you got to do Mr Koh's work first girl ! Your Amath ! Never hand in today ! Vanassa : Ha ha ! Sorry ! Too tired after hockey .. plus I'm sick now ! Mu Jie : .... must look after yourself girl ! Vanassa : I sure will . Mu Jie : Better make sure so ! Vanassa : What time you sleeping today ? Vanassa : I got to go off already ...... Anything message me ! Take care ....... Talk to you soon ... Night . Mu Jie : Good night , sweet dreams , sleep tight . Have an early night . Take care of your health ! Mu JIe : Thnk girl for everything !!!! Well , thanks for reading until the end of this post , this conversation . I've deleted some part so as to advoid explaning ...... I've told Vanassa everything . All the truth , so I guess I don't have to say anymore .......

This is the day ! This is the day where I got to prove to myself that I am capable of doing Emamth ! I staied back after School . Everyone are having Amath test while I took a 2004 4E /5N Common test . ... No sweat ! Even though it's just like a practice , but to me , it's very important ! I did managed to bring out that " SYF feeling " . As you know ... every test means alot to me .... I simply aim for a pass ..... for I don't know what I would do if I fail ..... I don't know what would happen ! I did the test paper ...... Wow ! Some questions sure tough ! But hey ! Who am I ? I can do it ! And I did ....... I finished the paper . Handed in to Mr Koh .... After that , I went to canteen . I saw Mandy , Hui Min and Yvoone there , eatting . I joined them and ate my lunch ...... We went to the hall . Hm , there should be Indian Dance and Malay Dance inside . But they arn't . WSe, Chinses Dance , can't practice as we don;t have the music . The Indian Dance leader lost her's copy and we Chinses Danc lent to them ! Perfects are inside the hall instead . The upper Secondary prefects are trainning the lower Secondary perfects about PA . Then , I heard the upper Secondary prefect testing the lower Secondary prefect to play the Indian Dance Music . It was then I realized that ... the Indian Dance Leader forgot to take back her CD and that's the CD we wanted ! I aske dthe prefects to give it to me after they're are done with it . But they never ! Haiz ..... ended up wasting everybody's time ! I don't really care ..... Expect .... The way the treated me .

I don't know ! Everythings seems so weird now ! Right at this momemt ! Mum kissed me on my forhead before she left for work . It's a simple action but it means a lot to me , especially now . She even gave me $50 for me to replace my lost books . I went to School today , thinking that everything had blown over ......... Well , I brought my Geography Textbook durning recess and went to the School Garden to meet Ai Hui . I waited for a long time , and about 15 minutes before the end of recess , I went to intercall Ms Ong . I told her that Mum had given me money to buy books , so she don't need to worry anymore . Ms Ong said okay and I went up to the classroom . Ai Hui was inside , no intention of going to the School Garden afterall ! What to say ? Nothing ..... Assembly period ! It was about those genders and etc ... but to me , it felt so weird .... so very strange . Why ? It reminded me about my past ..... Haiz , why can't the past die ? Expecially now .. when everything looks so picture perfect ! I went to the canteen once I was dismissed . I saw Miss Ang . She asked me " Mu Jie . What happened ? How come you lost your bag ? " " Huh ..... yar . " Who told Miss Ang that ?! I never told anyone , expect Ai Hui , Ms Ong and Mr Koh . Must be Ms Ong then .... Ai Hui won't do such a thing . And neither would Mr Koh .... Went for Chinses Dance . There's only 2 new Secondary 1 girls and a Secondary 2 girl who joined our CCA . Nevermind . Someone was being very stuck up ! she never bother with me . On both Monday and today ... I mean , she walked past me without saying a " Hi " . Yet she talked with others ..... Others as in ..... my classmates who are good in almost every subject ...... I went home . I slept on the Masterbed . When I woke up and bathed , I checked my handphone . 1 message received . Open ....... +659....... Hi Mujie . Ms Ong here . Reply if you received this . ???? I replied " Hi . I received your message . What's wrong ????? " You know , it arn't everyday thing that you form teacher message you .... PRESONALLY !!!! And Ms Ong replied " Oh . How are you ? Didn't have time to talk to you . Are you still upset with the lost of bag ? " I replied Ms Ong " Um ... not really ..... but it's something else . I'll email to you . By the way , did you tell Miss Ang about that ? " And Ms Ong replied " Yes I did . I am very worried about you cause you cried that day . " Hm ..... I replied her after much thought " Well , you know . I feel much closer to you than to her , that's why I told you about it ..... " Ms Ong replied " Of couse I know . But I'm worried about you . I don't have time to talk to you as I have meetings everyday . " That's all ...... But come to think if it ...... What did Ms Ong sended to my Handphone ? " I didn't have time to talk to you .... " Ms Ong wants to talk to me ?!!? No way ! I Did my Chemistry after that ....... I did halfway and went to the living room to watch televisin . Suddenly , I heard the sound of my voice singing . It's my Handphone ringing ! I ran back to my roon and answered the call . " Hello ? " I asked . " Um ..... Mujie ? " It's a guy ! Is it him ? That's what I thought at once . " Yar .... um ...... you're ... ? " " I'm Mr Goh . " " Huh ?!!?!? Oh .... Hi ? " What ? I must be dreaming ! Mr Goh called me ?!!? " Hey , what you wrote in your e - mail ar ? " " Huh ? What ? " I acted innocent . I knew it ! It's about ...... " What ? You mean you don't know ? I've read your mail What's all about ? Cut wrist ? " Mr Goh asked " Huh .... Uh - huh . " " Where are you now ? " " HUH ?! In my room ? " What a funny question ! " Okay , good . You better close your door and not let anyone see cause I wantt to talk to you . " " Uh - huh . " I rpelied . " So why you did it ? ? " " Huh ..... um ...... " God ! I'm not prepared for this conversation !!!! I don't know what to answer him . " Do you know that you've let Ms Ong and I down ? We are very worry about you . " Mr Goh tried to dig information for me again . " Huh ...... Oh .... " I started to cry .... Let Ms Ong and Mr Goh down ? They're worried ???!! This is ... insane ! " So , why you do such a thing ? " " Um ....... I'm .....um ..... disppointed ..... um ...... deversated .... " I'm crying over the phone .... and I can't advoid that HARMLESS question anymore . He won;t let me go until / unless I've answered him .... Until / unless he got a good explanation from me . " And why so ? " " Huh ?! ... um ..... cause ..... um ... I ... um never ..... um .... paaaassssssss Math . " " Just never pass Math or are there more ? You siad what .... you've tried hard , failed , and then your Mother ? " " .... Yar .... " He knew the answer , why still ask and made me cry ???!! After talking for a few more minutes .. he asked " So , you've got any ... I mean .... any nice feelings ? Like , writting a poem or dancing ? " " Dancing ..... " " Dancing ...... when ? " " Um , like .... that time SYF ..... you know , everythime after a dance you got to post ? I was the main and ..... everyone was looking at me .... " " Yar . Good ! Do you feel that now ? Or visualise ? " " Huh ...... feel ..... " I replied , and I mean it " Good ! " We talked for some time .... after that .... " So , how are you now ? Heard from Ms Ong that you're not feeling that happy these days . " " Huh ..... lost my bag . " And how in the world did you heard from her ? You both kept contect ? Before I knew it , tears ran down my face like a volcano eruption . " Okay ..... so ... why are you crying ?? " " Huh ? Um ..... cause I've lost my bag ? " I myself don't even know the answer ! " No . Not becasue of that . You've cried even before that ! " Okay . So you heard my voice and realized it , Mr Goh ? " Um ... because ... I've cut my wrist ... regretted ..... ? " After talking for some time , I finally hand up . I went to bed after that ..... I can't sleep . Insomnia seems to be the thing which bother me . Let me sleep , devil of the darkness , the angel of unconscious , fall on me now ! I don't know . Everything seems so confussing now .... Why !? Of all times , must Mr Goh read his mail today ? And what's all about ? Me , Ms Ong and Mr Goh ?! Suddenly , I realized something .... if Mr Goh knew about me being sad nowadays , then that ..... surly and turly , Mr Goh and Ms Ong had a very NICE conversation about me then ! And if so ..... they would have exchange news about me ! And that's whay I fear the most ! Because ..... different people know different part of my life ..... and if they put the parts together , the'll have my life as a whole piece , which I don't want anyone to ! If Ms Ong had told Mr GOh about my lost bag , then surly and truly , Mr Goh would have told her about what I've done ! No ! No ! Let me sleep ! I want to be out of this world , into my dreamland , where everything's so nice and beautiful - picture perfect ! I thought that the whole thing had blown over ...... but now !? It seems that ....... there's more to it ! Mr Goh said ..... I've let both him and Ms Ong down ..... both of them are worry about me ...... To tell the truth .... no one had ever passed my mind when I did such a thing ..... no ! Not a soul ...... And now ...... everyone's caring for me . Concern about me ! I never reailzed that people would be worry about me ! Never in my life would I want to make people worry about me ...... but guess ..... I did it again ! I want to be all alone , used to .. but now ..... I got to confess ...... I don't care what other people say ! But then ...... I'm 100 and 1 percent sure that both Mr Goh and Ms Ong are able to comfort me .. but , a different me . 2 different me ..... Mr Goh - the " me " where I'm all alone , hurting myself all because of some stupid result . Ms Ong - the " me " where I had been hurted so badly by Mum ..... And I'm sure I want them to comfort the past " me " ....... But hey ! I got to make sure I got my .... feelings right ....... I messaged Mr Goh " Hi .... how come you know that I've lsot my bag ? I mean ..... you;ve told Ms Ong about me cutting wrist ? " Mr Goh answered " Yes I did . We're worried for you . How do you think I would feel if something happens to you and I kept it all to meself ? " ...... I'm speakless ..... Brother ..... you're right . God did not showered me with love , care and concern directly , but instead , he showered me with through those people who love , care , and concern for me ! By the way , Brother .... you still owe me one tag ..... You PROMISED you would tag !

I went to School today .... with a very different feeling . It's so wired ! While Ms Ong was marking attendence , I told Ai Hui , " Ai hui . Meet in the garden today ...... I need to talk . " I mean ...... I need to talk about the black sheep thing ...... It's like .... I have an injury , I just cover it with a bangage , no medicine or anything . Just outside healing , not inside .... Just physcial , not mental . I don't know how deep or raw the scar inside my heart is ..... I don't have any mood to study today ! I miss my bag ! My calcutor ! It was hand - me - down my Brother ! And I had been using it since Secondary 1 !!! 4 years already ! My Geography Textbook ! It's given to me by my Brother too !!!! My School bag ! 1 year of Schooling together with me ! And the most preious thing - my 2 " words " books ! You know , when I come across phrases that's describe my feelings or what so ever when I read my novel , I'll copy it down ..... like , about darkness , the eye , how you descirbe fear , or when one's crying ..... etc ........ I've finished a whole book ! And almost half of my second book ! And everything's lost ! I might as well lost my will to study ! It's only the second week ! it's like ..... a victim of rape ! A .... who suddenly lost the treasure ! Well , not that I know how it feels ...... but I've ...... well ........ I talked with Ai Hui today in the School Garden during recess . " I've lost my bag . " " What ? Where ? When ? " We talked talked and talked .. then .... " You know ...... about last month .... Mum called me balck sheep right at my face ! " I was crying even before the words came out of my mouth ! " What ? I mean ..... where got such a Mother tell her daughter this type of things ?! " I never reply ....... I was busy crying ! That's it ! That's why I'm so hurt ! Where in the wrold do you find a Mother like mine ? Telling me stright right at my face that I'm a black sheep , even after I've tried so hard not to be .... guess it's faith that I'm a black sheep ...... " Hey , Mu Jie ....... But .... I seldom heard you talking about your Father ? What happen ? " There was a silence .... I'm suppose to answer ... but I would need time to think ....... I don't know about it ..... guess I'm using Jun Zhan's style again . " If you like a Father who don't care about you - he's a good Father . But if you want care and concern from your Father , then you'll don't like him . " I saw a showdow ..... I turned . And the person turned also ...... It's Mr Koh !!! He saw my read , teary eyes , and he came to us . " What happened ? Too stress ar ? " " No .... family problems . " Ai hui answered . " Okay ...... got anything look for MS Ong okay . " " Okay ... " Ai Hui answered again . " Whose's your form teacher this year ? " Mr Koh asked again . " Ms Ong . " " Then last year ? " " Mr Goh . " " Okay ...... go and look for Ms Ong . " I never even look at Mr Koh . I can't look at him !!!! Ai Hui left me at once after Mr Koh left .... She went to inter call Ms Ong ... even thought I've tried to stop her ...... and when Ms Ong came out from the Teacher's room , Ai Hui went missing ( found out that she hanged out with Mei Qi , Hui Min and Angie instead ! ) How many of you readers knows that I need moral support at that moment ? Ai Hui just left like that ! I talked to Ms Ong ...... I tried to tell her about the Black Sheep ...... But I don't have the energy . I was crying all the way . Ms Ong asked me to write a paper about the books I've lost ..... When I left , I saw them .... Yi Xin , Wen Wen and Lee Zhen . They've saw me crying , talking to Ms Ong ! I gave Ms Ong the paper during her Chemistry lesson , when we were doing group work . It's really terrible ! I need stationary but I don't have , I borrowed from my classmates and they showed me face .... Liew Mu Jie . Books Lost . Secondary 4 Express Geography Texhbook . Secondary 4 Express Math Textbook . Please ..... Ms Ong , can I have your e-mail address ? Ms Ong gave me her e-mail address , she talked to me a while by the table , but she soon asked me to go out of the classroom . She offered to help me pay for the lost textbooks , but I rejected it . Haiz .... My bag had been with me for almost a year , there's feelings ! My pencile box had been truly personalized ! My favorite blue pens which I had been using since December . Difference colours of Post it notes . My favorite green pen and red pen which I had been using since last year . 2 Black pens which I used to write my English Holiday Assignments . Oh yes . Lots of book marks too ! Plsu compass and projector . Rubber which I had been using since last year too ! My Pencile box have keychains . All Bears keychains which Ai Hui had given me for last year birthday ! And my pencile box ! It was given by my Brother ...... I want to cry ! My calcutor . I had been iding it since Secondary 1 ! Brother gave it to me , and I took it as an encouragement from my Brother to excell in Math ! My Geography Textbook . Even thought my Teacher hardly use it , but I have feelings for it . It's just like my Secondary 3 Geography Textbook too ! I mean , it's almost the same ! Both Secondary 3 and Secondary 4 Geography Textbooks are hand me down from Brother ! And Brother's Textbook have notes inside . His handwritting ! Notes from his teacher ! Haiz .... My Emath Textbook ! Even thought Mr Koh never use it yet , there's feelings for it too . I wrote my own name on the cover . It's MINE book ! My 2 " words " books ! Oh , I stayed till the dead of the night copying those phrases which I pass by when I read novels ! Phrases about crying , fear , feelings , acceptance .... etc .... 2 books ! Oh my ! I want to cry ........

I went to School today . Nothing much happen , and my day does not even corrupt there . Hm , but during my second recess , I ate alone in the canteen . Well , 3E5 and 4E5 will have lessons till 3 pm every Monday , while the rest of the School would end at 1.25 pm . I was eatting alone when Kevin asked me to join him and his other friends , who are my classmates . I rejected ..... I guess I'm back to my own self when I'm back in School . I'm not sociable ! I went to the Library after School . I stayed on the third floor of Jurong East Library and copied those pharses I've " hightlighted " inside the novel . After that , I felt hungry , so I went to the Jurong East McDonal's to eat . My School Bag was very heavy , so I just left it on the chair together with my files which I always hold it on my hand . After that , I went to order foods to eat . When I came back , my School Bag was gone ! Can you believe it !?!? I asked the people nearby , they don't have any idea ! I looked for the manger and told him , but he could not find it ....... I left home " empty " handed , expect those file which I take it with my hands ...... Even thought there's no more bag load , there's a heavy load inside my heart ! How am I going to tell my Mum ?! Haiz ....... I don't know ....... But come to think of it , my keys are inside my bag and I've written my home address inside my School organizer ! I went home , knocked on the door . Mum opened it , she was chatting with Aunty Pang . I told her I've lost my bag . She asked me , " What ? Are you kidding ?! " " Nope ! " What is this ?! Me ? Kidding ? You are the one whoese's kididng ! " I''ll change and we'll go to the police station . " I waited for her ... on our way , she used her handphone and called Cousion Foo . She said , " Mu Jie had lost her bag and I'm going to the police station to file a report . " And Mum started crying ..... I felt so so bad on my way to the police station ........ I've made Mum cried ...... I am such a curse ! I'm a real black sheep ! I went inside the police station ...... and told the police officer everything ....... Lucky the police office can still joke with me to ease my fear when I got home ..... " Which Shcool organizer ? " " Yuhua ..... " " Yuhua Primary ? " " Secondary . " " Lower Secondary ? " " Upper ..... " " I see .... sorry .... misjudged you .... " After a while ..... " Well , you just have to change the lock okay , I can see that your Mum is very anxious . " I left after that ...... but at the doorstep , I heard Mum talking to Brother ...... I don't know what she said . I mean ..... I din't WANT to know what she said .... I'm scared that she'll hurt me again ..... So I just know on the door and went in .... I tried to study at night ..... but I can't concentrate ! So I ended up dong Emath Ten Year Series ..... got to make myself crazy , make me think of some sums in order to direct my thinking ..... But I only did Paper 1 ..... my calcutor was inside my School Bag !!!!! I did finish the sums ...... still have some time left , so I tried in vain to study the Chinses Spelling for tomorrow .... Got to say , all my homeworks are inside my file ! But then ... instead of studying , I ended up writting poem ...... and what's the title ? Latest poem title : Black Sheep ..... Nice title , arn't it ?! Dad tried to put some extra locks , but ended being scolded by Mum ..... and I heard that Dad slept at 1 am plus ! He still got to wrok full time tomorrow ! I'm such a cures ! Nevertheless , guess what I slept with at night ? Tears ..... I'm so very hurted and sad . i cried and cried and cired ...... I cried very hard ...... it's such a good feeling , sobbing in darkness at night ..... it had been such a long time since I enjoy crying ...... I'm not crazy or what so ever ..... but sometimes , you'll feel so much better when you let all our hutes and suffering out via tears ...... But . why do people cry ? Is it because you're deeply hurted , or are you just a crybaby ?! Haiz ...... Why ? Guess I'm really a Black Sheep in the family ....... no , it's not because of Brother , or neither is it because Mum said it ....... it's because I'm borned to be ......

Argh ! Got to drag myself up of my nice , comfortable bed and go for that B***H's tuition ! Mum wanted me to go back house to eat lunch ..... troublsome ! But hey ! Brother's coming to Chruch with me today ...... I think so .... But that's what Vivien and Kai Xin told me . It was about 8.45 am when I reached there . And the very first thing she said to me and my Mother was , You're late ! Please ! Who would wake up early in the morning , like 7 am for some stupid tuition like her's and please ! Can't we , students , sleep a little bit late for Sunday since we always have to wake up early in the morning for School ! Mum , on hearing that , beat my shoulder . It was really painful ! But what can be use to compare the hurt and everything for the past few days of my holiday ( Black Sheep ) and the next few subsequence days of my Black Sheep life ( Contuinue to drop by my Blog ! ) ! So the tuition , another teacher asked us to read the Secondary 4 Express Chinses Textbook . It was okay . But then I realized one thing ! In my hurry , I've forgotten to bring Yu Xuan's Harry Potter Book ! It had been months already !!! Argh ! After reading , the B***H want us to do letter writting . Well , Yu Xuan and I had written about the topic a number of times already because we both are " Older student " . By the time we finsihed it , it was already 11 am plus ! Time do fly , arn't they ?! But then , instead of dismissing us , that B***H wants us to do other work ! What is this ! I finished it , handed in sub - standard work . As if anyone would have the mood to do anything already ! I'm very late for my Service already !!!!! After handing up the work , the B***H wants us to choose our own tuition time . She wrote on the whiteboard , Saturday , 8 am to 10 am , 4.30 pm to 6 pm , Sunday , 8 am to 10 am , 4.30 pm to 6 pm . Well , I told her I wanted Saturday , 8 am to 10 am . If I choose Sunday , well , then I'll have countless crying nights .......... But she wrote on a piece of paper , Sunday 8 am to 12.30 pm ! And made us sign ! Hello !? Made wrong day - nevermind ...... But even the timing also wrong ! Is there something wrong with your brain also !!!! I'm fed up with that B***H ! Nevermind . What ever , as long as I am able to get into Church in one piece ....... I ran all my way back home , there's no time to waste . Brother opened the door for me , he was still in his night clothes ! That ........... answered all my worries .... I should have just stroll all the way home ........ Mum gave me my lunch , without talking to me . Mum went out while I was eatting . Peace ! World Peace ! I asked my Brother ..... turned out that he wanted to stay at home and do his work . Nevermind . I checked my Handphone . I never bring it with me to Tuition ...... I'm simply far too scared that the history would repeat itself ....... My past did repeated itself ........ so , why can't histroy have the ability to repeat itself too .... right !? Oh my ....... 1 message from Yi Sin - Hi ! Are you coming today ? I'm in Church already . Call me when you're reaching . I'll meet you at the bustop . Plus ......... 6 missed calls !!! I took my handphone with me and contuined eatting ....... it was already 12.45 plus or so .... I asked my Brother , he was sitting beside me listening to his Mp3 and doing his work . " Bro , you like that B***H ? " " No . " Yeah ! Thank you Brother ! I knew it ! No one would like her ....... after what she did to me . Then ... there were calls ...... 5 missed calls .... and more and more .... I'm by my Phone , but I never answer them ...... Well , even though my Handphone don't have Caller ID , I knew who called ..... Who else , right ?! They even called my Home Phone , but I never asnwer them also , I asked Brother not to bother them . Diana messaged me - Hi ! Were are you ? Are you coming ? We're in the staircase . I never reply .... if I reply it would mean ... big trouble ! They called and called and called ...... Argh ! Alvin messaged me aslo - Mu Jie , Kai Xin here . I forget to bring my Handphone . Where are you ? Are you coming ? What happened ? Brother notcied my actions and asked me why I never go to Church .... I told him what happened . Right from the start ...... and cry again ..... It was until 2 pm then I called Diana . I told her I'm not coming . I'm just dimissed from my Tuition and it would be pointless if I go to Church now . You see , it was 12 pm plus ..... 1 pm plus when they contact me . I am still able to make it to Church on time ..... and so , if I answered their calls , it would mean - I am going to Church ! There're be no excuse ! So , I simply rejected their calls , making it like ... I'm really just dimissed from tuition . Can't help it ..... Yeah !? I slept in the afternoon after using the computer . I woke up , looked around and saw Auty Sally . So , Mum had went out with her ? I see ..... Soon , both ladies headed to Cousin Hui Ying's new house . Brother and I ate Black Pepper Steak . At night ....... Well , cried again . I'm really sorry , Diana and Kai Xin . I don't mean to tell lies ...... I had told myself not to lie again , especially Church things ......... But I did ...... Why !? Why must things always happen like this ??! Kai Xina and Diana , I know how you all feel , about being lied ...... Why Why Why ?! Why ?! Well , all thanks to the B***H ! As if she had not make my life difficult last year .....

Went West Cost Park with Mum and Brother . We celebrated Warrick , Felica ,, and a new friend's Birthday . After singing the Birthday songs , eatting of Birthday cake .... etc ..... I went to play with Diana and Felinda . Brother was talking to Vivien and Kai Xin . What they talk about ? It's best if I don't know anything about it . Why ? Couse Vivien came and told me that Brother had agreed to come to Chruch for tomorrow . We played at the play ground , then we went to the prymaid , where all the rest of the Cell Group were . I tried climbing to the top too . But Brother was already on toop before me ! I wanted to give up ! My feet hurts ! I've taked out my slippers , and now my feet hurts ! But looking up on top , Brother was there . That's it then ! I'm much better than Brother ! I can do it ! And I did . I clmibed up the top of the prymaid and sat side by side with Brother . The wind was very cooling ...... it was so nice up there ........ But it rained soon and we got to get down ! Hm , almost lost my way while getting down , there's so many routes , whcih one to take ? It drizzled . But I played vollyball with Jolly , Felicia and a new friend , not forgetting , Brother ! I slipped , and my pants went from white to brown , muddy brown ! Yucks ! We stopped playing the game and went to eat BBQ . Well , it was raining , so we BBQ indoor . The food turned out quite well ! All of us went to play Caption Ball next . I was very very rough ..... I drived for the ball ... caught the ball ... etc ..... I managed to get hand on the ball , but my glasses dropped . So , ended up my glasses had a new shape ! I was very very dirty by the time we end the game . I went to bath with Li Hui . I mean ....... Li Hui asked me first , if I want to go to change or not . On our way , she asked me " So , the Blog you have ..... you did it yourself ? " " Huh ?! Yup ! " " And the things you wrote inside ...... they're real ? " Li Hui asked again . " Huh ? Yar ........ " " I see ... so , everything alright ? " " Yar ..... " Huh ? The things I've wrote were false ? Well , I wish so too , but it arn't ! All the thing I've wrote were true ! It arn't fasle ! I went with Brother and the others to Jurong East McDonal's and ate something . After that , I went back home and sleep .

I still can't believe it ! Mr Koh's my Math Teacher ....... Can you believe it ? I mean ..... haven I suffered long enough under him while I was in Secondary 1 ? Going to NCC room like going back to my house ...... Anyway , I can't " wait " for this day . It's the CCA open house for the Secondary 1 . So , I skipped Physics , E Math and Chinses lesson for today . I changed , performed on stage . Miss Ang had given me the tape and the key . Miss Ang and Mdm Yup have lessons ..... so I'll be the in - charge ! She told me that the Secondary 1 would be coming to the Dance Room , then we would use the tape and dance to the music , like our normal practice . I allowed them to have a break after performing . Hui Min was very sad . She felt that we were very messy on stage ...... Sigh ! So , we went back to the Dance Room after that . It was then a prefect came and told me that we were supposed to be in the Hall instead and we've missed our timing ! Haiz ! Asked everyone to go to the Hall . The head prefect told me that we were supposed to be in the Hall , and we've missed our time . So , what he'll do is to arrange another time for us , which would be at 3.45 pm . It was only 12 pm ! Aske me wait till that long ?! Anyway , after that , I not sure what happened next . I saw Melody crying , but she had her girlfriend's shoulder to cry on ....... it then drawn to me that ..... I feel like drying too ...... but wake up , Mu Jie ! Who would lend you a shoulder to cry on ?! Who ?! I went with Mdm Yup to look for Miss Ang . Discussed the matter with them ...... Lots of dicussion were made by the 3 of us . But , in the end , we decided not to wait till that late . We'll set up a booth NOW in the hall . The Secondary 1 would be reporting in the Hall after their lunch . That's what we did . And Mr Koh was around with his NNC while we were making our booth . But luckly , he never say anything or what so ever ....... I staied till 4 plus , then rushed home . I bathed and etc ...... then went out with Mum to Jurong East to find out that the tuition was cancled ! Can you believe this ? Argh ! But I got to stay because Mum chatted with the B***H ! What they say ? Let me recall ........ That B***H asked about Brother , she wanted Brother to work for her also ..... Over her dead body ! Then , turned out that she had lost her Handphone , served her right . She wants Mum's Handphone again . But none of us could recall the number . Too bad ! Hm , that B***H said that I'm actually smarter than Brother ..... Mum said , last time , when both Brother and I sat for some EQ or IQ test , I scored higher than Brother ! Another amazing thing ! Than that B***H wanted me to go for tuition tomorrow ! Over my dead body again , B***H ! I've got other better things to do , like Birthday celebration ! She sent us out to the door and then that's where when she angered me ! She pulled my hand and asked , your Mum forced you to come here today ? I mumbled something , but she's not letting go her grab ! " Huh ? What did you say ? " " YAR ! " I shouted ! That's when she finally let go of my hand . What is this ! Wast my time still want to touch me ! I went back home and found out that Mr Goh had replied me my mail . So , I guess my day was alrigth .......