Yeah ! Friday .... There was only an hour lecture ... And to my surprise , I was the only one present when I reached the lecture theater . Where's the rest of my gang ... Amanda arrived after some time .... Janani and Min Hui were missing .... Headed home after lecture . Sunday ... or rather , weekend ... Not filled with you . Sad .

Hm .... School was alright .... A bit slacked ... Nothing much . Maucks . I love you . You are getting better in health ... which reduce my worries .

Rushed to the toilet after my one and only 2 hours of lecture . Amanda called and invited me to join her , Janani and Min Hui at McDonald's . I was being treated with fries . I suggested that we go to Toa Payoh and buy donuts since I promised to treat them if I passed my assessment . Min Hui treated us fries and Janani treated us ice cream . Amanda will be treating us apple pie . Yup yup . We went and had a feast at the McDonald's . Left the gang and beaded to the NTUC to purchase some stuffs before heading for my test . Passed ... so far so good ... My next test will be Bioscience Practical and the Research Method . You rewarded me with you love , with your kisses , which I am so totally addicted to it . Maucks . I love you . Do get well soon .

Not today !!!! I'm totally down on luck ! Argh ! Tried my best to concentrate during lectures . Hardly revise for the assessment test . Oh no ! Slept in the library with the gang during break . Hm ... felt quiet abandoned and betrayed when I was told " Mu Jie , you are on your own . " Well , I did passed in the end . The lecturer was kind ... I could have failed . I forgot some part of my assessment , never don on gloves , had a hard time priming , and forgotten some part of my evaluation . Actually , if I failed my test ... well , it was all my fault .. I can't blame the ;lecturer for being mean or strict . Thank you !!!!! Yeah ! I love you . Maucks . Next week ... hehe .... next week ... Counting down the days to new year !!!!

School was alright ... Watched the " identity " movie ... it was a really nice show , thought some parts were a bit scary . Headed home after School . Tried mugging for the skills assessment test for tomorrow . I just wish that you can wish me good luck . Good luck for all my friends ! You can do it !

Spent the whole day at home all alone . Went out for dinner with Dad and Brother . We fought over the MSN messenger and we talked mushy over the phone . Communication . Yes , body language , gesture are important . But when you can't see the person , tone is the next most important thing . From you tone , I knew . Everything would be alright ... Everything . Maucks . I love you ....

Went for work .... Was alone in the morning , then Boon Jeow came to my side in the afternoon ... Had to re- arrange the chairs and tables ... Cried when you called in the evening ... Oh well , it was my fault . I was too emotional . Argh ... Worked till 7.45 pm , but we signed out at 7.30 pm . You went to pub . Waited for you ... You called !!!!! Your excuse was that you knew I was waiting for you .... but the truth was that you missed me . I don't have work tomorrow . Maucks . I love you .

Woke up at 6.00 am plus today , as usual . But this time I was too lazy to get up and use my Mum's hand phone . Cried again . Today is the last time for our clinical practice .... Hardly practiced ... I hope that I can really score ..... Yup yup .... Waited for you call at night ... I love you . Maucks . I guess , I was just too tired . Sorry ... Insecure .

Walked with Brother to the MRT station ... Both of us hardly talked .... were deep in thoughts . School was alright . I am much more confidence in my urinary catheterization . Yes ! I will make the promise come true ... But what about you ? Yes , I knew ... I was emotional . I was tired ... How long had it been ? And how long more to go ? Limit . I hate this feeling ... Weary , beat , fatigue and ........

Waking up beside you , falling asleep with your voice ... That's all I ask for . I love the feeling of making plans with you . It make me feel secure ... knowing that in my future , you will be there . This Sunday than . Theory test was ... alright . Although a few of us were caught with the document part . Well , for my short answer questions , I managed to write more points than the marks require . I am trying my best to be the girl you always long for . The promise between us . I will make it come REAL .

Oh God ! Practical test is in a week time , exactly next week at 5pm ... And theory test is tomorrow ... Not forgetting about my presentation ... my incomplete projects ... Night class till 8pm .... I don't have time to study ... ARGH ! Thank you for waiting for me . I really appreciate it . It means a lot to me . Gratitude .

I don't know what to say ... I am tired , too ... Sorry .

Worked ... I realized that I don't like to work at Sparks anymore ... I prefer Lobby B . Oh well ... but working there was slack . I used the net . Went to Lobby B to relieve Hong Jie as he was leaving early .... Pasted sticker . Got a free donut !!! Yeah ! I mugged .... 2 chapters of clinical lab cleared ! 6 more to go !!!!

Yeah ! The day I had been longing for .... But I felt so insecure ... Would this be the last ? Went to Vivocity ... shopped around , looking at Snowy's Cd Rom ... Browsed through the MP4s too ... Went to Fjord , too bad , they don't have the ring I wanted ... I saw a design which looked quite similar , but then ... Oh well , it's not the same ring ... Was so depressed ... Had lunch at Superdog . It was the best time of my life ! I was able to really joke and be myself , no need to put a mask ... I managed to do what I really wanted .... Hugs ... !!!! Headed to Bata and brought a new pair of shoe before going to Lavender . The ride home was so magical ... It was so wonderful ... No words could describe it , the feeling .... That's what I had been longing for ... and I got it !!! Next week ? 12345678 ?

Was a bit late for my Bioscience tutorial .... School was alright . Met Sok Ee during my lunch break . Caught up with her ... School was alright ... Took the train home together with her ... it was really fun ... Reached home at ten plus today . It just don't feel the same ... I don't know what am I suppose to do now ... University . My 5 words .... even if it's * , I would be so happy . I want my ring !!!!! You are just too tired .

Tutorials were fun . Lecturer pasted a sticker on each of our backs ... and we got to say something to each other ... how we will react to them . There were cancer patient , 98 year old elderly , extra martial affair guy , SARS patient , , pregnant teen , crippled , mentally ill , attention deficit child ... etc . Mine was a pole dancer . Haha ... Yup , we feel weird ( why are people laughing at me , or why are people asking me to seat down , looking me at such a way ), inferior ( is there something wrong with me , I don't belong in this group ... ) Maybe some people should try it .... Then they will know how others will feel ... Our second tutorial was a role play between a depressed University girl who had just broke up with her boyfriend . She has n interest in studies and even planned to kill the guy and his girlfriend ( the guy left her and went with another girl ) . It teaches us how we should communicate with different patients . Scolded my Lab teacher for messaging in class ... Planned to meet Sok Ee and head home together , ended up meeting Brother at Orchard . Went Art Friend and had dinner at Crystal Jade . Shopped at the Cold Storage before heading home ... You know .... it just feels different ... really different .....

It's Wednesday . Clinical lab was ... bad . Scolded by the lecturer for making mistake . Too bad , it was my first time practicing , hardly have time to practice that skill . Anyway , was being discriminated , that's what I felt ... At least , after the guidance , I know where's my mistake . I will improve in my skills . No , I MUST improve in my skills !! Went with Amanda and Janani to the computer lab after School . Then went for lesson . It was okay ... there wasn't any break in between . Messaged with him throughout the day ... At least I managed to talk to him before I sleep ... He's such a nice guy ... so charming ... I am so sorry for everything I've done . I don't mean it at all ... You know that I can be extremely childish at times , I can be unreasonable ... I am sorry for everything I've done . I love you ...

Yeah ! Finally had my hot dog !!! Had been longing for it since last week ... Yes .. last week ... Hm ... chatted with my best pal on my way home . She's such a lucky girl .. so fortunate . If only ... If only ... That's a past ... everything that happened in the past , let's just put it behind us and let's look into the future , enjoy the present . I love you .... I still love you very much . Why do you want to push me to other guys ... You're jealous , ain't you ? You can always date me , you know .... I want to hear the 5 words from coming out from the bottom of you heart , come out from you mouth , saying it to me , just for me , only meant it for me !!! I want to ... will this day every happen ... Just like the past ?

A new day had began . Sok Ee called me up and we chatted for quite some time . He contacted me ... He was busy ... 6 days had passed , and tomorrow , it will be a week ... However , I slept with a smile on my face ... Oh , how long had it been ! I had been crying for week at night before I turn in . Knowing that you are by my side , knowing that you still care for me ... that's all I can ever ask for . You messages ... your tone . It's still the same . I love you ... Please , don't leave me ... When I said I love you , it doesn't mean that you can't leave me , I just wish that you won't leave me .

Was working and chatting with my best friend ... I am totally mad and frustrated . Always feel that we are " better off with other guys . " What do you mean by " better ? " Why " other guys ? " Why can't we be with the guy we choose ? And why don't they just provide us with the " better ? " Why can't I look after myself and why am I living in such a self-destructive lifestyle ? Because I am used ti you looking after me . I've been dependent on you . You were the one who was worried when I injured my toe , you were the one who was worried when I fell down during my practice ... It's all you ...... You took my heart , why don't you be responsible with it ? Why push me to others .. others whom I don't like ... ?? It aches , I feel pain , I am damaged , I am suffering ... Do you know how mentally torturing it is , to hear you voice , to know that you are there , but I can't have you ? I managed to chat with you on and off ... 3 times so far ... You wanted me to leave ... why did you fill me in with your future ? You gave me hope and you make me disappointed . I miss you ... I love you ... Why don't you accept it ? Why can't you accept it ? OUCH ! It's bleeding ... What a trauma ... Maybe infection will set in and make matter worst ?

It hurts ... You know , wounds don't heal in time , it will get infected , became gangrene and turn necrotic . In the end , you will have to amputate it . I was thinking of you , when you called ... You don't know how delighted I was to hear you voice ... Yes , you finally realized ... but so what ? But so what ? It's too late , I am busy tomorrow ... You missed your chance . You messaged me ... Jut like the past . Yes I will wait ... even if it's forever . I son't wnat to look back and wonder , " it could have been ... " I don't want to regret . I sobbed ... Sleep finally found me ... Yet ... unknowingly ... when I became conscious ... I heard you voice . Since when did my phone rang , when did I answer my call ? I must have done that unconsciously ... You talked to me ... you bid me good night ... I wailed , I weep , I cawed , I wept ... And finally , I managed to get some rest ...

If you never seen a zombie before , here's one ! Woke up late , rushed for my evaluation , which I failed ... Rushed for School after lunch ... was ALMOST late . Boss messaged me , I was allowed to choose which weekend I want to work ... I chose Sunday , only ... I simply got no intention to work . My work hours are always spent chatting on the phone with you . Life's meaningless for me now . I had to wear a mask , to force a smile , to constantly remind myself to pay attention for that pathetic and short 2 hour lecture . It was so hard ... tell me , from the bottom of you heart that you are not affected at ALL ! Even mugging at night demands extreme concentration , which I failed to have . I gave up in the end , after a few pages of Research Method Module . What's the use ? You want me to give up ... I might as well give up EVERYTHING ... What's the use of mugging now , anyway . My mind always wonder ... I can't help it ... You said that you can return me my VCDs , what about my heart ? My feelings ... It hurts ... knowing that it was MY fault ... I am so SORRY ... I just said it in a moment of anger , can you forgive me ? I am sorry . You said that power demands sacrifices . The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye . The story of love is hello and goodbye, until we meet again . Two are born to cross their paths , their lives , their hearts . If by chance , one turns away , they are they forever lost , by Michael Timmins And that ... One of the most dangerous things you can ask for when it comes to love, is a warranty card But for me ... I believe in a few things ... Nobody is perfect , nothing is impossible , if there's a will , there's a way , and last but not least , never give up on the things that made you smile . I don't want to sleep without hearing that you love me . I don't want to wake up without dreaming of you all night long . Words can't say how I long to be with you every minute of the day . A heart truly in love , never loses hope but always believes in the promises of love , no matter how long the time , how confusing the circumstances and how far the distance , Love is stronger than pride , so when you love someone , tell them and never let go . Love is a gift , not an obligation , follow your heart and always trust the person you love . Love is the way I feel when I can't imagine my life without you . Love is … when two people don’t like to be apart , they want to share everything hear – to – heart . Love is a four letter word with so many meanings behind it . It is true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it . But it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives . When the moment you can’t feel them under your fingertips , you miss them . I guess the most important things are the hardest to say . Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were afraid of losing what you already had with the person ? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn’t . You can’t tell you heart what to do . It does it on its own … when you least suspect it , or even when you don’t want it to . Too many of us walled because we are too afraid to care too much … for fear that the other person may not care as much , or at all . Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have , or could have had . No one waits forever … The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched , they must be felt with the heart . To handle yourself , use your head . To handle others , use your heart . Don’t throw your back to love when it’s already in front of you . Don’t drive it away form you because if you did , someday you’ll think again why you let love fly away when it was once next to you . The greatest regret in our lives are the risks we didn’t take . If you think something will make you happy , go for it . Remember that we pass this way only once . Two tear drops were floating down the river , one teardrop said to the other , “ I’m the tear of a girl who loved a man and lost him . Who are you ? ” “ I’m the teardrop of the man who regrets letting the girl go . ” To love is like playing the piano . First , you play by the rules . Then , you must forget the rules and play form the heart . What if someone tells you this : I don’t believe in courtship , it’s just a waste of time . If I love the person , I’ll marry her right away . But for you I will make an exception … just love now and I’ll court you forever . Of all the words of tongue and pen , these are the saddest : “ it could have been … ” You never lose in living . You only lose in holding back . It’s always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than to have never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge . The greatest challenge in our life is to find someone who knows our flaws and differences and still willingly embraces you with so much love . If time ever stands still , I’ll never leave you side . It may be too hard for me at times that you will not see me , but in my heart , you’ll always be found . The spaces between our fingers were created so that another person’s fingers could fill them in . If there is anything better than to be loved … it’s loving . Why say “ hi ” if you mean “ I miss you ” . Why say “ let’s go out ” if you mean “ I want to be with you ” . Love is a feeling that’s seen in one’s eyes. Love is the sight of the sunset and sunrise . Love is the joy that makes people smile . Love is the dance step that never goes out of style , sometimes you stumble and sometimes you hurt your partner but often times you learn to survive . Love has its twists and turns . It leaves you in pain but teaches you to learn . Even if it takes so long , love always takes you to where you belong . Love does not involve emotions , it simply refuses to be ruled by them . Love is a decision . It’s a reflection of how we honour the one we love by the things we give up just to have that one special person to live inside our hearts and never let him/her go . If two people are predestined for each other , they will find each other despite the distance and time . True love waits forever . If you say run ! I’ll ask how far ? If you say swim , I’ll ask how deep ? If you say jump ! I’ll ask how high ? If you say go away ! I’ll say no I won’t ! I’ll stay with you forever ! If I have to wait for you … if that’s what I have to do to be with you … then I’ll gladly do that so that I could prove to you how much I love you . When you truly love someone , you don’t look for faults . You don’t look for answers , you don’t look for mistakes . Instead you fight for the mistakes , you accept the faults and you overlook the excuses . Shakespeare was an idiot and Einstein was a fool . One wrote of love , the other spoke of meaning . But neither of them ever found you … I’m a genius ! Where there is love there is forgiveness . I’ll run to you when you are far from me , I’ll hug you tight when you’re feeling lonely . I’ll wipe your tears when they start flowing incessantly and I’ll love you for all eternity . The heart is the centre of our chest but it beats at the left side … I guess that’s the reason why the heart isn’t always right . Take good care of the person who loves you , never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you will never realize how very important they are until they’re out of your life . To love is one thing . To be loved is another . To be loved by the one you love is everything . How about giving your heart to someone who would love to make you happy , who would love to see you smile , who would love to be loved by you . So how would you feel if I give my heart to you ? There are things that hurts us , but since we love the people who have hurt us so much , we learn to hide the pain at the back of our mind , so we can learn to love endlessly . When I tell you I love you , it doesn’t mean you have to stay . It just means I wish you would never leave . It’s the presence of the should that makes us alive but it’s the presence of love that makes us want to live . Don’t let doubts lose the magic of love because it’s not everyday that you meet the people who have magic to let you fall in love . When you love , you are exposing your heart . And when your heart is exposed , you are risking it to get hurt … but then again , the happiness it brings is all worth it . Love is a not a matter of finding the right person but creating the right relationship . In life there are very rare chances that you’ll meet the person you love and loves you in return . So once you have found it don’t ever let it go ! People continue to love despite of the pain , tears and heat break maybe because pain make them stronger , tears made them braver and heat break made them wiser . Falling in love is not finding the perfect person , it’s learning to love an imperfect person perfectly . 7 wonders of falling in love : Meeting someone , getting to know the person , understanding the person , accepting the person , loving the person and remembering . While I was walking , I stopped for a while and thought of things I don’t have in my life , but I suddenly realize I have you and I feel complete . I need you because I love you , not the other way around . To love someone deeply gives you strength . Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage . I’ve been looking for love and I didn’t stop until the day you came into my life … and upon looking into your eyes , it’s confirmed ! I finally found true love ! Don’t find love , let love find you . That’s why it’s called falling in love because you don’t force yourself to fall , you just fall . Love is like magic . The more you hide it , the more it grows , The more you suppress it , the more it shows . No love can hurt as much as love that can never be … and no thoughts can hurt as much as thoughts of a love could have been .

Was on extreme diet yesterday . Ate 2 pieces of cake , 2 cups of milk and some water , only . As for today ... the day came and pass in a blink of an eye ... Yes , tears , there were ... But I am going to hand on ... I will never give up . You just mean too much to me ... All those words you've told me ... all those arrows shot into my heart .... it was just a moment of anger , frustration , just to push me away . I am not as stupid as before to believe in all those hurtful words you said to me . Never give up on the things that make you smile ... Ai Hui messaged me that picture . Yes , it was a picture ... And it gave me confidence ... I am going to hang on . The only comfort I got for the whole day was being able to lie on my bed and talk to you ... You told me about those times together ... wonderful , precious , magical moment . Persistence , stubborn ... I know that ... Yet ... is there any other way ? You asked me why ... and now ... I ask you why too ... Why is it concrete ? Even if it is , I want to warm it ... warm it with my love ... piece up those broken pieces with honey , coat it with honey , fill it with honey ... Those broken pieces ... I was the one who did it . I am sorry ... You said you are in a dark lane with a damaged heart . I am telling you now that I want to be your light , to guide you back to the correct road , filled with warm and love ... I want to heal your wounded heart . You're pushing me to other guys , you said I don't deserve such treatment , you felt guilty ... then treat me the way I should be treated .... Please ... Even if you were to go University , go overseas for months , for years .... I've told you what I will do ... Who is the he in my blog ? It's you ... it's you . I still love you , very much . Why tell me such thing when , you don't mean it at all ? I don't know what you want to do . Just let me make it clear that , I still love you , very much . I can't do without you . Would you walk down the future , together with me , hands in hands ? I am willing , and I want , to walk down the road together with you , helping you to get back everything you had lost . I don't know how , but I want to give it a try . I am willing , and I want , to help you get back all your confidence , I don't know how , but I want to give it a try . Just bear in mind that , I am always there for you , and that you are a very nice guy . I never regret knowing you . I still love you , very much . Come back to me now . That was the poem I wrote during the first time ... and now ... Remember those times together , when I fell off from the bike during our first meeting , At the serene center , at Toa Payoh , Wild Wild Wet , Sentosa , your graduation night , whem you said that you know ... I will not leave you , and the very last neoprint we've took or any other places we've dated . Those times when you said , the 5 words to me before we dream of each other. How we wish to drift into the dreamland , lying in each other's arms , cuddling with each other . The way we wake each other up , almost every morning . If you never greet me good morning , I will be the one doing it . And the rest of the day , we will spent messaging to each other . All those mushy messages , all meant only from me , all sent from the bottom of your heart . And at the end of the day , I will be there waiting for you , waiting for your call . In the end , you were the one who got to wait for me . I love you .

My day just passed in a blink of an eye ... Lectures after lectures . I just reached School and took out my hand phone to check . Was , well ... expecting something ... and my phone bursted into life right on my hand . I refused to reply , time and time again ... he messaged . I finally replied ... and during the very last lesson , I cried . Went for some practice after school ... Tiring ... Waited and waited for him , as usual ... Called him ... he never answer ... He finally switched off his phone ... He knew that I was waiting for him , I will be waiting for him ... Why did he ....... Hurted .... Bleeding ... Internal bleeding ... Crashed ... Inconsolable .... Unstoppable ...

I realized that not everything about the past is all wonderful ... There was Elaine , she said that my duty is to wait till all the parents have left . Then I can go over to another side to refresh the classrooms ... Worked overtime , again , today . It's not all wonderful . Work was actually terrible today ... I made mistakes , I've done wrong things .... Went with Brother and Father to Ikea after work , had my dinner there too . And to make my day worst ... I got to book appointment with him if I want to meet him . Ended up , both of us agreed not to meet . He pushes me to other guys .

So here I am , seating on my old work place .... How I missed those days ... Where I am able to blog the whole week of my life , seating in front of this computer .... But so much changed ... I was " transferred " to another part of the company , and now I am back .... I missed those days ... Nothing to do , surfing the net . And oh .. those days , with you ... It changed . Everything change . It had been a week . One whole week , my MM ... And it continues today , when you failed to remember about the " movie we plan to watch " . Seriously , I can't imagine what will they say if I complain to them ....... Yes , I can find one hundred and one reasons , but I only have one reason ... I love you . If one thing that will never change , it's changes .

I really don't know what happened ... But I am glad to hear your kisses , you saying those five words to me . We chatted for 50 minutes and 11 seconds . Misunderstanding ... ?? I hope so ... Everything will be alright ... It's all over ... Even if the bees sting , the bear still gets the honey . It's worth it .... to preserve on . Yes , it hurts , it's painful ... it leaves scars .... But I heal , and I learnt a lesson . It's worth it .

You were so extremely mean to me ! I couldn't believe it ... I broke down in the lecture room and on my bed ... In lessons too . Every single messages you sent to me for the past few days ... it was ... limited words , just replying to me . How could you do this to me ? I am not her ... I don't need such treatment ! I am different , I am you girlfriend ... not HER . I need you , I can't do without you ... that's why I can't have such treatment . I need your encouragement , your love , your faith to propel me forward . You distancing yourself from me will only affect me ... mentally , psychologically , emotionally ... I won't and cannot concentrate ! Well , it aren't my fault either . Like what I said , it's not like I have tried my best ... I never give up , why are you giving up on me ? That's my intelligence level , what can I do ? What AM I suppose to do ? You are just trying to change me ... to become like her . Well , if you really want me to be like her , why don't you go for her instead and save me form all these mental torture ? Like what I said , you can't have the cake and eat it ... So what if people are talking about it , so what if they are questioning you ? Your believe swayed ... you got beaten ... You lose faith and hope ... You wished to be denied ... If I were to believe what other people said ... our story would have ended ... You don't remember any single thing happened between you and me ... You are just showing me that the stuff between us don't mean anything at all , those magical moments between you and me .... I don't wish to state what excuse you gave me , because I have my own point of view too ... and it definitely don't support your excuse . I asked you , in my option , a very simple question , you got to think .... What does it mean ? What are you telling me ? That after all these 1 year and 11 months together ... I mean nothing to you , you are not sure of you feeling towards me , you are NOT confidence at all ... Which leads me to our promises in the beginning .... Yes , you've forgotten , and I've reminded you ... you forgotten again , I reminded you again ... The cycle just goes on and on and on ... Which further proves how much I mean to you then ....... And the promise ... if you really believe it , really commit to it , have faith in it , want to fulfill it , will you still be reminding me time and time again about you extremely limited time ? Yes , the limited time ... it all started with time ... If time can bring be back to before what had happened ... Everything would be alright . I never complain , I tried my best to understand , I really tried .... If it is still not enough , you can tell me , point out to me . To me , I never complain that you seldom date me ...I believe that you will date me when the time is right , when you have the time . Even if you don't have , somehow or rather , we managed it ... I don't know what to do . I love you . Maucks .