It was the realese of the GCE O Level results of the year 2004 ! I did the Emath cumulative frequency curve during Amath period . It was still okay . At least I know how to do some Maths question without banging my head on the wall . I heard Mr Koh said , " If the weakest student pass ... then .... " Had a period on rotation . It was hard !! I contuined doing the cumulative frequency curve while Mr Koh contuined teaching the Amath . I still sat at the front of the class , even though Mr Koh never do anything to me , I still felt abit scared sitting at the front during Amath lesson . Han Chuan Don't want to change place with me ... I got back my Chinese Test Paper . 58/100 . What the .... Well , I failed the last test , but passed this , yet I'm not happy ! To think that Mum wants me to get a distinction for that subject ! She's crazy ! Out of ther mind ! Sorry , I'm into the " GCE O Level Results Mood " today . I was sitting with Ai Hui in the folyer when Mr Koh came and told me that Lydia Yeo passed both her Maths and he was very please , but he instructed me not to reveal to Lydia about her marks ... yet . After recess , it was Mr Khor's lesson . He told the class , " Those who dropped Pure Science and take Combine scored very well for their O Level . " Lydia , Oh Lydia ! Geography was next and our teacher , who was also Ex - 4E5 Geography Teacher , told us that Pure Geography had 100 % passes ! Lydia ! Not bad , so far so good ! Ai Hui stayed in classroom during second recess . Mei Qi and Hui Min sat with Darrick , Han Chuan etc . So I'm left sitting all alone in the centeen . Kevin saw me and " ordered " me to sit with him and his gang . I did ... and he asked me " How's life " . Haha . I messaged Lydia , but we ended up chatting on our Handphone instead . Her background was very noisy ! I went back to class and it was MS Ong's lesson . Ms Ong never turn up . Finally , at 2 pm , I went to the hall and met Lydia . The first thing we did was - gave each other a girlfriend hug . Lydia , wish you all the best ! You'll get good grades , don't worry ! No matter what , I'll be there for you , okay ? Principal talked and talked and talked , so did our Vice - Principal . All the Secondary Fours were being chased out from the School Hall at one point . Yet most of us managed to sneak in again . By that time I went inside the School Hall again , Lydia had already gotton back her results . Her grades arn't really that bad ... yet she , or should I say Lydia's Mum , arn't happy about it . Lydia , if I were you , I'm sure that I would break down and cry my heart out , and message my bear Brother . Nevertheless , I really DID broke down when I tried to comfort Lydia by telling her about my Mum and Brother . Yes , siblings and everything about " face " issue . I trust that Brother won't look down on me , what ever grades I've got . Instead , I believe that he would encourage me to move on . While we crowded around Lydia's Form Teacher , Lydai pointed to me and said , " You - go away ! I don't want to let you see my disappointed face . " Hello ?! I thought we are best friend , look for each other in times of trouble and now you're chasing me away just like that ? I looked around , yet I can' seemed to locate someone ... someone whom I wish to see ..... (S)he was nowhere to be found . Mr Koh was around in the Hall . He saw me and told me , " Mu Jie , you must at least get a B3 .... " Before I parted with Lydia , she shouted to me ( we were some distance away from each other ) , " Thanks for your support . " You're welcome , friend . Anywhere , anytime ! I went home and came online . Janson asked me about my health , since I was abit sick last week . Thanks Janson ! See , so many people cared and concern for me ! Slept a little and Brother came home . Mum was out , but she cooked Instant Noodles with Crispy Chicken Wings and Eggs ! Yummy ! I ate with Brother , mainwhile , waiting , longing , yearning for Mr Goh's reply . I listened to the radio after Dinner . There was a message to a Cousin . The Cousin was very sad becasue (s)he scored EIGHT marks for his / her O level ! Hello !?!?!? 8 marks and still so sad !? A touch in the head , I suppose ?! I messaged to the radio station , yet somehow , the message went missing or something , I never heard it being read . Therefore , I shall post my message here . " To my NJC Year 2 Bear , thanks for all you profound encouragements ! From Princess of Harpy . Queen of my hear by Westlife , please ... " Mr Goh finally replied ... but we ended up chatting on the Phone . Mr Goh called me because I asked about his educations and stuffs ... I told his alot of things ... Ms Ong wanting to have Step with me yet she never . Mr Goh asked me something , " What thing can you do everyday and you enjoy it . " Well , no doubt , it would be my job ... but what will I be ?! I don't know . I'm sorry , Mr Goh . Not that I don't want to tell you or I'm too shy to share , but the truth is ... I really don't know ! Nevertheless , I'm glad to answer your call ! But I'm really very scared ... one year from now ... what grades would I get ? Seeing most of my friends not knowing where they would be going to once the got hold of their result slip ... I don't want to be like them !

Today was supposed to be a fine day for me .... God , why must you torture me like that ?! Why ?! What had I done wrong ? Why must I gone through the torture chamber ?! Tuition was fine . Yuxuan even lent me his Textbook to bring home to copy some things . After that , I went with Kai Xin to Jurong Point and we ate at KFC . When we were waiting for the free shulttle bus to City Harvest Church , Kai Xin finally ask me about me subjects . I refused to answer her questions , and only tried to satisfy her by responding , " Yar " , " Yes " , " Huh ? " I'm only glad for one thing - Vanassa messaged me when we were waiting for the bus . I took the chance and messaged Yi Sin too . Let all the messages come in and flood my handphone . I'll rather pay sky - high bills then answering to some people ! The bus came and messages were still coming in from Vanassa and Yi Sin . I replied them and asked some more questions . And you now what !? Kai Xin confiscated my Handphone ! Hello it's MY handphone and all the messages are for ME ! Who gave you the right to seize my Handphone from me !? Worst ! When we reached the Church , Kai XIn still wants me to go sit at the fountain so that she can continue questioning me as if I'm the " Most Wanted Criminal of the Universal " ! Hello ! Please ! Haiz ... but all those inquiring darken my mood . I don't feel like going for Service and everything , even though today was Pastor Ulf preaching . It was raining after Service , and both N127 and N264 went to Jurong Point to eat . I left with Yi Sin and her Sister . None of the members have an umbrella , thus the three of us had to run in the rain to the bustop . Bus 99 came and James , Pierre and another Brother came running towards the bustop . Turned out that they are not going to Jurong Point , they're going to the nearby hawker centre to eat . If they came running eariler , then maybe I would change my mind and eat with my Brothers . Nevertheless , I ended up eatting with Yi Sin and her Sister at the KFC . Haiz ..... I called Lydia . Hope that she got good results for her GCE O level ... She can do it . I believe that she can ! Good luck my very best friend ! No matter what grades you got , I'll be ther for you . To smile with you or cry with you . Just relax and don't be so stress about it . I was alone in my bed when I though about all that had happened to me ..... about yesterday , about what Brother told me ..... Hm ... so what if you know about my feelings and all ? As if it's within your power to educate me and give me the knowledge of Amath and Pure Sciences . As if you can have the power to reduce my hurt by giveing me back all my disappointment . Like you will know God's plan for me ! You're only making it worst and I still remember that Thursday night . You told my Mum that I seemed heck care - You , Li Hui and Diana , all went Junior Collage and I'm not motivated ! All these showed how much you know about me ! Oh ... how I missed you .... you ..... so near yet so far . Yet I'm content with your actions , but I yean for more .....

I felt like getting up from my bed and give her a tigh slap on her face and a good powerful kick in her stomach and end her life with a knife with my very own hand ! God damn it ! Who does she think she is ?! She don't have the right to discriminate me like that ! B***H ! To think that you gave me the right to live ! So what ?! Who cares ?! You gave birth to me so that you can mock at me ?! Sometimes , I really wonder if I'm your real blood daughter ! I'm dismayed with you ..... Why do you have to say such a thing ! I detest you ! I hate you ! I abhor you ! I despise you ! I loathed you ! I pine you ! You call this a Mother ?! Well , sorry , she arn't fit to be one and to a distinctly great extent and / or degree in my case ! Don't I have any freedom !? Why do I have to report to you where I've been after my Math tuition today ?! And in case you don't know , I just went to the KFC at the Jurong East Entertainer and brought the Chincken Salad for Dinner , which both Brother and I enjoyed it ! Dignity ! Do I have any ?! Do I not have the quality of being worthy of esteem and / or respect ?! Well , guess I really don't have . I have none ! I've lost everything fair and square . To tell the truth , I've not only lost my chance to sit for Pure Science for my coming GCE O level , I've lost ALL my dreams and hope . There's arn't any promise in the future of mine . To summarise it , I've lost EVERYTHING ! Arn't it bad enought for me ?! No ! Mum still wants to rub salt onto my wounded heart ... Brother , thanks so much for not responding to her senseless comment . She arn't fit for us to waste our breath and saliva talking to her , sharing our views and feelings with her ! What's the use when she won't comperhend ?! Brother , see , now you understand what I mean by badge of glory . Mummy dosen't love her little daughter , she only loved her genius son , who is capable of scoring high results and thus , she can use him to compare with her relative . Her dear son who don't have to worry about his future since his grades are so good , all the Schools would welcome him with open arms ! Her words are like a knife , an arrow , a sharp pointed blade which immediately injured my heart . Ouch ! The pain was immeasurable and the bleeding was no stopable . You think I'm asleep ? Sorry , I'm not . Instead , I'm wide awake , trying in vain to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek . I rolled on my bed ...... I got in contect with my Handphone ..... Oh ...... how I wish to message my crush .... like what we used to do last year .... I miss you , my dear .... comfort me , love me .... but don't ever leave me alone like this . I've tried so hard to put evey past behind me and attempted to " force and work harder for other subjects " . That's what my Brother messaged me when I looked for him that time my classsmates asked me about me dropping Amath . Haiz .... see . How can I still be able to score well , and have the mood to to study ?! Okay , we're back to square one . Why do I care so much about what others says ?! Plus , Ms Ong told be before , I study for I , me , myself , not for someone who don't even give a damn about my emotions and struggles ! Okay . Period .

Ms Ong was absent today . I really hope that she's alright . She had been quite sick ... even before the Chinses New Year if I'm not wrong . Since Ms Ong was not here , Mr Koh gave the class some Amath class work to do during Ms Ong's period . I gave the wroksheet out to them one by one and I can't help feeling happy that I'm giving them Amath work to do . They can't get the answer for some question . Oh . too bad ! After School Mr Koh came in for remedial . He taught us Emath and left soon after that . Most of my classmates stayed back to complete the worksheet even though Mr Koh had left the class . I saw my classmates formed into different groups of two to three people and they discussed the answer . Hm , Ms Ong , who says that my class arn't motivated ?! They can easily go home since Mr Koh had left , yet they still stayed back and discussed the sum . And I saw those stronger pupils teaching those weaker ones . Everyone stayed till his or her friend had completed the questions , then they left in groups . I really wonder .... Is it really a blessing for me to drop every subject ?! Amath , Pure Physics and Pure Chemistry .... everything . No doubt , I " would " have more time to revise other subjects which I can't drop .... But , so what ?! Haiz .... maybe it's a blessing after all ? I really don't know . Of couse , I would have lesser things to study and everything ... But everytime during Pure Sciense lesson , I won't pay attention . I asked myself , " Why listen when you're not a Pure Science Student !? Come on , those are for Pure Scinses Students , you won't need to learn that for Combine Science . " Haiz ..... Mindset mus be changed .... But ..... HOW ?!

Argh ..... why can't my stomach give me a break !? Okay . Sure , I'm fine now . But now I'm menstruating and I'm having cramps and all .... Yar , so much for being a girl ! School was fine , of couse it was , since I slept for most of the day . Well , I'm really sorry teachers , for not paying attention during your lessons . I'm not feeling well , you know . We had to stay back after School because of Ms Ong . Hm , what Ms Ong wants ? I'm not sure . I was busy catching a nap now and then to relief my menstrual cramps . Hm , seems that Ms Ong only wants to see some of the students only . I went with Ai Hui to look for Miss Ang after that . I don't want to attend Chinses Dance today and wanted to ask for sick leave ... But Miss Ang won't hear of it . She only allowed me to go out and have lunch with Ai Hui . I went and ate some spicy food , after that , I went home to rest awhile before going back to School for Chinese Dance . I hung around with Anna most of the time . Hm , Miss Ang asked me about my stomach . I told her everything . There's arn't a need to hide about my problems . And Miss Ang asked me , " Your stomach is upset and yet you still eat hot foods !? " Hm ..... come to think of it ..... yar .... But was my stomach really upset ?! I don't know . It seems very normal now .. having cramps and all ... And well , of couse , not fogetting about my stupid childhood illness ! Chinses Dance was okay . I did danced and all , and even did those warm up . I have an excellent excuse to slack ... but no way ! I should set an example for my juniors , right , Jun Zhan ?! Okay .... now comes the real trouble . I came online once I reached home with McDonald's meal . Mr Goh finally replied me .... I tried opening his e-mail , yet my Computer hung everytime ! Why ? Did Mr Goh sent me a virus ?! I went to bath , got my dinner and finally managed to open the mail .... Oh my God ! Okay , Mr Goh sent his mail at 5 pm plus , and it was about 6 pm when I opened the mail . Mr Goh finally made his point clear . He wants me to reply to him .... about what I want to do in the future ! He finally said it ! I read those mails he sent to me some time ago and realized that he had been asking me time and time again the same qyestion . I guess he knew that I was avoiding his question . And now , I don't know what to reply him . What should I say ? " Hey Mr Goh , know something ? I never even thought about my future before , thanks a bunch for making me think about it ! " Haha . I guess I got to get do to serious work and dig informations about ....... about ..... about what ? Argh ! I don't even know where to start ! Lydia e-mail me too . She's having some Boy - Girl - Relationship problems . It's her problem , so I won't say all about it here . I comforted her , telling her about those few guys who " did " the same thing to me . And .... well , maybe I AM the real heartless patry in MY relationship . I don't know . But what Jeff said ... he sounds right too . God ! Why am I so soft heated to agree and let both of us ... suffer ? But then , come to think of it , he agreed too ! And well , I had experienced with that type of guy before and so don't be so upset about those heartless guys , okay , Lydia ? Hm , come to think of it ... I really miss him . I miss his jokes , his laughers and his voice . He always knows how to make me laugh , and dig everything out from me , my feelings , my thoughts .... etc . Oh yes ! I remembered .... He even encouraged me to re - take Amath and drop my Pure Science . I really miss him ..... Haiz . How I wish , it was a year ago , when I would message him everythime at night , chatting with him and let his messages coax me to sleep . Haiz , I really miss him , I want to talk to him and hear his laughters ! I don't mind sharing with him about all my feelings and all ..... Hm , anyway .... I don't know . I really don't know ! I don't know about my future , about Lydia's case . Well , from her tone and all , I guess she had been hurted badly by that heartless guy ! Hm , how to reply to Mr Goh's letter ?! How I wish that the answer would drop down from the sky .... I wish to talk to Ms Ong .... Haiz . So much for step .... Maybe ..... I'm just dreaming and all ..... I don't know . There's some other mails too ..... Libra September 23 - October 22 " No one's talking about forgetting , but a little forgiveness is definitely in order . Holding a grudge only holds your heart hostage to what could've been . It's time for what will be . " Hm , from what I know , I have already forgiven the website owner . It arn't her fault , really . It's all mine ! I mean ..... if I'm not THAT bad , would people complain about me ? No right ?! Haiz ... but what about the second last sentance ? Holding my heart hostage to what could've been ? My heart ? What could it have been ??? What CAN a heart be , anyway ? Libra September 23 - October 22 " It might feel like the world has decided to test you , but in a really low-rent way . Tiny nuisances start to build up , each one of them laughable on its own . You'll overcome them all pretty quickly . " Yup , the WHOLE world want my life ! Boy - Girl Ralationship had already given me a HUGE headache ... and then Mr Goh's e-mail ... Everyone's testing me when would I break down ... Nuisances ? Well , all those e-mails arn't nuisances ! But of couse , each one laughable on it's own .... My future ?! Funny !? Like I know what my future lies ! But .... overcome them pretty quickly ? Sometimes , it's better not to trust horscope too much .... Libra September 23 - October 22 " Forget about all the little problems that nip at your heels . Think about where you want to be in a year or two or ten -- that should light a fire under you . " There arn't little problems nipping at my heels now , it's BIG problem and it's chasing after me ! Where would I be in a year or two or ten ? Haha .... I don't even where I would be next year ..... Poly ? Junior Collage ?! And please ..... ten years after now ?! How would I know ?! Well , to tell you the truth , there's no fire under me .... I don't feel anything but uncertain when I think about the future . Period !

Today was alright , expect for a small problem - my tummy's making my day like HELL !!!! Even thought I really do felt better after vomiting everything out , it was still recuperating from the sudden defeat at yesterday night . Therefore , I can feel it when it's digesting food , making invisible waves inside me when my stomache was empty . We did the Chemistry MCQ Paper 1 test today and , sorry , I got to make a comment on the paper - it was totally horrendous ! How can you expect a student who never revise to score well ? Plus Ms Ong gave all those Combine Science Students Pure Paper too . To me , it was like , " Oh my God . Here comes my worst darkest nightmare once again ! " There was , none other than the Mole calcluation . Well , I never eve use my calculator and I got my answer , by guessing , what else ?! I never see the need to waste my cauculator battary to calculate calaulations which I don't even know the formula ! I slept immediately after answering all the questions . I never even check the paper or anything . Well , what's the use of flipping the question script again when you know that majority of your answer is wrong ?! There was CME today . I simply hate this " subject " the most ! Ms Ong wanted us to gather with our group and wanted us to consider and plan up 2 " concept map " . The first one was ... how to be a better 4E5 of 2005 . Ms Ong received a lot of complains that 4E5 was not motivated to do well , copy homework , sleep in class etc . Well , I can't say for the rest of the class , but for me and in the area of motivation , I do have something to say about my case . How can I be motivated to do well when I've suffered such big defect ? Well , maybe I did wroked hard for the last year , but how " hard " was my " hard " ? How much effort had I been putting in ? That I don't know . I don't really have the drive to study anymore . You guys know what I thought ? What's the use of mugging so hard when you gain NOTHING in the end ? " I've tried so hard , and got so far but in the end , it doesn't even matter ! I had to fall , to lose it all , but in the end , it doesn't even matter . " Final Fantasy 9 . Hm ... ball ? Bounce higher .. maybe , maybe not too . Or ... maybe I'm a metal ball ? Hm .... I DID tried to study for the Chemistry MCQ test . But I can't .... why ? I don't know . Maybe I do have an excellent excuse that I've puked . But well , truefully , I felt so much better after vomiting ...... so ... what's wrong with me ? Hm , can someone give me some reason ? I simply hate studying Chemistry and Physics these days ... I've dropped Amath , yet I still have the urge to score well in Emath , why arn't there any hope in scoring well in Science ?? Or .... is it because now that I've dropped Pure Science , and so now I don't have to study that hard anymore , no need to study anymore ? Mr Goh did e-mailed . He wonders if the problem was - I'm scared that I'll let Ms Ong down ? Well ... I've already disppointed her .... so what's new ?! Of couse ..... I know that taking Combine means that I would score better in my coming GCE O level . But so what if I have a first - class grade in my GCE O level !? Where am I going next ?! Well ..... where am I going next ?! I used to know .... I used to have big dreams , but all were smashed . Nah , they arn't crashed yet . Come on , it's that there arn't courses that's my cup of tea . No course interests me ... yet . Haiz ..... what's the problem with me ?! Brother can study from a Combine Science to a Pure Science ... yet me ?! Haha ..... what a joke ! I've studied from a Pure Science to a Combine Science .... excellent me ! Brillant me ! ~ Clap ~ ~ Congrates , Mu Jie ~ And let me tell you the joke of the life - we're both from the same parent , from the same genes .... Another thing Ms Ong wants us to do was - strategies to study . Hm ... strategy to score the very best in L1R4/5 ... Ms Ong did wants me to ponder if my study method was wrong ... maybe so ? But how would I know how to study when I don't want to study !? Okay , so let me take Emath as an example .... I tried solving the sum , but the answer was wrong , so I ended up working TOWARDS the answer instead of knowing the reason why I must do the step or why I missed doing the step when I first tried the sum .... Okay , I'm arn't that bad . I know a little bit here , a little bit there ... so if I add all the bits together , I can still have the ability to tackle the question , just that my brain roates too slow ..... Strategy .... different people have different study phase, have different opinion , have different mindset , same goes for strategies for stuyding .... 15 years and yet I still can't locate my own style of studying ..... what's the matter with me ?! Towards the end of the lesson , Yi Xin asked Ms Ong why she choosed to become a teacher . I heard her reply loud and clear , " I want to make a difference in my pupils' life . " A lot of people have the same dream as Ms Ong's ....... making a differences in people's life ... Nurses , doctors .... Even a pupil can have the strength to make a difference when he or she helped an old lady carry things . How about me then ?! What do I really want to be !? Nah ..... I don't know ...... I really don't know !!!!!! I never go to Church today ... it's the very first conference for this year in City Harvest Church . It's by Pastor Ulf ... but I failed to turn up . I can't .... My stomach was mad ! It hurst like hell at times , it's like an angel at other time ......

I went to School feeling totally tired and all , don't know what's wrong with my day . Maybe it's because of yesterday ngiht !? Must be . Maybe I'm still hurted and pissed off ? Of couse I am . I reached School and the prefects were chasing the students to line up for flag raising . Ai Hui saw me and said to me happily , " Mu Jie , I don't have your Animal Farm Graphic organizer . " My first thought was , " What ?! You don't have it and you never contect me when you realized that you don't have my homework ? What is this attutide ???? And as if I don't have enough things on my mind ...... " I fell asleep during Literature period today . Hm ... classmates were presenting some poem analysis while the teacher was behind the classroom , watching the class using the eyes of the eagle . When the lesson fianlly end , Literatuure Teacher asked , " Mu Jie , are you alright ? " " Yes , I am . " I replied ...... " You sure ? If so , why did you lie on the table while I was teaching ? " " Oh ..... the screen was towards my left , so I lie down to view it . " Lame right ? But I got no choice ? Tell my Teacher that I was asleep in her lesson ?!!? I sat with Ai Hui and two of my juniors in the folyer during recess . I was feeling so sleepy , down and having a stomache . Haiz . Something's very wrong with me these fews days . My tummy had been making me ill . I read my Literature Novel about " Poems deep and dangerous . " But my physical health was so demanding that I ended up lying on the table and playing with my highlighter . I was there ... dreaming , listening to Ai Hui talking to my 2 juniors when Ms Ong walked by with Hazle . Ms Ong asked , " What happened during Literature ? Who slept during Literature ? " I raised my hand to admit ..... " You also ? " Ms Ong asked with a tone of disbelieve . I nodded to confesse that I was guilty , to admit that I had once again let her down .... Ms Ong talk to the others for a while before she asked me , " Are you okay ? " " Huh ?! Yes ..... " Just some stomache here and there , just some wounds and hurts inside my heart , nothing more , nothing much . After that , my eyelid dropped and I slept . To think that I can still sleep with so many people around me . Ai Hui , my 2 juniors were shouting to the guys at the next table , Zhi Hui , Hazle etc ..... were around too , but I contuined sleeping yet I can still hear their voices . Ring ...... There goes the recess bell .... I opened my eye and the first thing I saw was Ms Ong .... " Are you sick , Mu Jie ? " Ms Ong asked . " Huh ..... no ... I'm fine .... really . " I went to the Physics Lab and my mind asked me , " What am I doing here , outside the PURE Physics Lab ? " Ai Hui came to me and asked , " Mu Jie , what's wrong ? You know , you should learn how to put on a smile .... " Physics . It was a real surprise ! I did not fall asleep like I used to . I was sitting all alone in the Lab , no doubt , I felt a bit like the outcast . Yar , funny me , to think that I won't be an outcast , like anyone inside the Physics Lab dropped Amath like I did .... Geography was next . There was some Geography Paper 1 test . It went well , I know the answer to most questions , of couse , all of them are by guessing .... Recess , I ate with Hui Min and Mei Qi . Ai Hui did not come down for recess . 3 of us dicussed our views on Ai Hui's attitude . Ended up that all of us felt that it's Ai Hui's fault for not conecting me and Mei Qi when she realized that she don't have our Animal Farm Graphic organizer . There was the English Common Test 2 to end our day . It was alright . Hopefully I pass . It seems that I would . I went to MLC to do some last minute work on the Animal Farm Graphic organizer . I took the chance to visit Jun Zhan's blog . I can't help but rolled on the floor with laughter ! Dear old Jun Zhan ! Hopefully , I'm arn't an emotional burden to you . Really thankful to meet someone like you ..... If there's one thing I have to thank my Mother , that will be that she had given me such a great , understanding and profound Brother who knows what's on my mind . You would reply me and encourage me , telling me things which I yean to hear ....... Yeah ! Jeff , you are right ! So what if Mum comapred me with Brother ? So what if Brother got into National Junior Collage ! I'm me and he's he ! Brother never look down on me or what so ever ....... Thanks Brother for everything ! Brother , you want a Hungry Bear Hug ? After that I went with Ai Hui to intercall Ms Ong . There's some PURE Chemistry Paper 1 test tomorrow . Well , then what should the Sub - standard me do during the test ? Sit for the test too ? Ms Ong was not inside the Teacher's Office . Too bad . Fate ? I went back home with Ai Hui and I messaged Ms Ong about my question , she just replied and did not say anything more . Actually I though of telling her everything everything which I had been hiding , my feelings and emotions , hurt and pain . I slept like a pig throughtout the afternoon with lots of people calling my Handphone to disturb my sleep ! I finally can't stand it anymore and got up at 7 pm plus . Brohter and Dad got home and the 3 of us ate till 9 pm plus ...... Mum went out tonight . I did some Chemistry Ten Year Series work after dinner and went for a short break at 10 pm plus . I drank a glass of water and ate my daily dose of medicine . I sat on the sofa to watch television . Suddenly , I don't feel alright ! I rushed to the restroom and puked ! What's the matter with me now ? Had I overate ? If so , my stomache would eject the foods when I munch , not an hour or so after dinner ! Had I drank too much water when I took my medicine ? If so , then I would only vomit water , why do all the food came out too ? Something's really wrong with me , really . But what ? What if it's my childhood illness back again ? I'm a bit scared . I remembered that time when I was in Primary 4 , I vomited during flag raising . Would the history repeat itself for tomorrow flag raising ? And my stomache ! There's already NOTHING inside it , yet it kept forcing me to vomit ! When it failed , only my saliva came out ..... Grossed ! It hurts , my stonache rebelling me in such a cruel way ... to think that I vomited all alone inside the restroom and none of the guys in the house knows it !

Mum's angry again ....... This time , I guess I had gone overboard ! I don't know ..... but maybe I've been hurted badly ? Or maybe all Mum's words are just like bees buzzing pass my ears ? Morning , she helped me choosed my clothes . A white cotten shirt with laces infront , and a skirt with the coulors of fire . Mum gave me a bowl of red bean soup for dinner . It was the same soup which I served Brother on behalf of Mum yesterday night at 1 am plus , she even gave me a bar of chocolate to munch on my way to tuition . The two of us were just walking down the stairs when she saw me limping . She thought that my pair of white high heels was too large for me ...... But she's wrong ! Why change the pair of shose when it's my foot that hurts ? I have a terrible wound at the back of my feet . No matter how many shoses I've changed , it would still be the same , right ? Inside the lift , Mum nagged at me for holding my assignments with my hand instead of dumping it inside my bag . She shouted and scolded ..... to a mute or / and deaf . I walked behind her all the way to tuition . Inside the lift , she nagged again . I shouted back at her ...... That's the last straw for Mum ....... I'm not allowed to go for Service today . Yu Xuan left early today due to his stomache ..... hope that he's okay ...... and is able to go to School tomorrow ... I contected Kai Xin after tuition and told her what happened . Kai Xin called my Mum . A while later , Kai Xin called back . " Mu Jie , your Mum was just angry with you , not that she don't allow you to go Church . " There was a silence pause ..... " She was angry and ordered you not to make any appearence at home . " I went Jurong Point and ate with Kai Xin . We went to shop ....... I saw Victor at Church ... haha .... Service was great . Everyone's on fire . Pastor Kong preached about ...... God being a potter . We are a lump of clay , and God mould us via obstacles so that we can be strong and shine to glory of God , and be the world shaker of tomorrow . My Cell Group left for Jurong Point after that , I went home . Mum was out ..... Brother was asleep . There was a note from Mum asking me to eat something .... from that tone , I guess she arn't angry with me anymore . Brothe woke up and I went down to buy dinner . Chicken Rice with mash potato from 7 - eleven . At night .... I was standing at the basin brushing my teeth and talking to my Brother at the same time .... when Mum came to the kitchen and nagged AGAIN asking us to go to bed early . I just made a small comment , " I wasn't talking to you . " Mum went inside her room . I was washing my face while Brother did something with his handphone . Mum came out from her room and Brother immedilatly leaped up and came to the basin which I was using ...... Mum got angry and repremined me for using the basin while it was Brother's turn to use .... Hm ..... that ..... I'm dead ! Mum wanted me to bow to her as a sign of reverence , or maybe in this case , as a submission of shame by asking me to submit / yield to her wish , making her the boss . Who cares if bowing to her makes her feel like I'm respecting her ? Haha ..... it seems more like the oppsite ! The more I am going to show you attitude , Mum ! Yes .... bow shall I , to everyone if it's your wish , but I would not to bow defeat ! You made me physically bow to you , but mental , YOU are begging ME to bow to you , Mum ! And please ...... don't make me laugh like a patient form the mental hospital ! Don't touch Brother's pravite things ? Please ! If you want to talk about respecting people's privacy ... Don't think that I don't know you were pretening to open the window and yet you were actually view my Computer screen when I'm blogging ! And I always confuss to Brother whenever I read his e-mails , chat conversations or messages . I own up to him .... there's no secrets among the both of us .... there's only love care and concern ! I'm treating Brother like a pet by buying titbits and share with him ? Well , say it if you are jealous that I'm taking over your place ! Dear Brother was still asking me if he should give 3 or 4 mashmallows to his friends ! We're acting immature ? Please ! I've toratured enough nonsense of you telling tales to all your so - call friends ! Saying that even though Brother would be 18 by the end of this year , he's still acting like a baby ! He's your own blood and all , have you forgotten all about it ?! How can you bear to say that to your " friends " about the untruth ???!!?!? Being his Sister , I'm well pissed off , and yet ... you are his Mother ! You bore him and gave him life .... don't feel anything when you said such a thing about my Brother ! Are we your own son and daughter ? How much do you know about us ? Do you know about my feelings ? Like ...... that the lastest thing on my mind ..... do you know how sad and all I felt about becoming a Sub - Science student ?! You said that Brother's not grown up yet ...... Well .... Do you know who I appreciate most in my life ? Do you know who understood me more than others ? Do you know who showed me what a true laugher is ? Do you know who told me the truth when everyone lies ? Do you know who lend me a helping hand when in need ? Do you know who was my compass when I lost my way ? Do you know who was my listening ear when I needed one ? Do you know who showed me the light in times of darkness ? Do you know who humiliated back those who mocked at me ? Do you know who was my pillar of strength when I need one ? Do you know who was there when I needed someone to talk ? Do you know who shared with me all my feelings and emotions ? Do you know who healed my wound when someone hurted me ? Do you know who always tell me things which I yearned to hear ? Do you know who lead me to the right path when I went missing ? Do you know who I went running to when everything seemed so bad ? Do you know who draged me out of the hot soup when I got into one ? Do you know who gave me the reason to work hard when I gave all up ? Do you know who cared about my feelings when I felt that no one does ? Do you know who showed me a new beginning when everything ended ? Do you know who read my like a book while I'm a closed book to others ? Do you know who lent me a shoulder to cry on and dried my tears for me ? Do you know who was my light when everything was darker than darkness ? Do you know who gave me another angle of view when everything corrupted ? Do you know who stood right behind me in every choices I've made in my life ? Do you know who saved me with his own hands when I'm drowning in despair ? Do you know who lighted up the fire inside me when everything turns into ashes ? Do you know who was my inner voice when I need to share all my inner feelings ? Do you know who showered me with understanding when I'm confussed and lost ? Do you know who taught me to be mentally strong when I'm emotionally unstable ? Do you know who gave me the reason to live and not break down due to obstacle ? Do you know who lifted up the smile on my face when I'm frowning and / or crying ? Do you know who taught me to remain clam when everything goes on so fast for me ? Do you know who brightened up my life when everything seemed so dull and boring ? Do you know who encouraged me when I lost all my determination and preservation ? Do you know who lead me on through the rough path of countless problems in my life ? Do you know who shined the ray of hope when there don't seems to have any promise ? Do you know who displayed me care and concern when I felt no one bothers about me ? Do you know who held onto my hand and walked together with me throught the darkness ? Do you know who brough me out from my past and into the present and lead me into the future ? Do you know who proved to me that I'm loved for when I felt all alone and being an outcast ? Do you know who brought me back to the reality when I was living in my own dreamland ? Do you know who verified to me there there's always a better tomorrow when everything looks so depressing ? Do you know who showed me the sunlight / sunshine when the moon came out in the night , when everything was darker than darkness ? Well , in case you don't know ..... It's all Brother's own doing ! And you said he's immature !!!! Do you know what do do when we're online ?! Elder Brother encouraging younger Sister ...... And Mum .. what you said ? You could save a zillions of cash if I stop having tuition ? Well , then let me ask you ....... have you ever ask me about my views on tuition ? Have you considered about my tight schedule ? And uncountable deadlines ? You mean the B***H's tuition ? Personally , I don't think I've learnt much from the B***H's tuition ! Chapters from the Textbook which were being canceled out are still being taught ! Well , you can cane me for all you want ! I'm hurted inside ! My wound is inside . What's the big deal about hurting my physical being ? You don't bear to cane me ...... because you were scared that I file a complain of chile abuse or scared that I post all my hurts in the cyber world ? I was rude to you inside the lift ! It's you who blew your top first , raising your voice, damaging my ear drums when we first step inside the lift ! It's you who don't show me respect , so why should I respect you back ? You told Kai XIn that you can only know about my inner world by asking my friends ...Whatever . I was trying to voice out my opinion with a loud voice inside the lift only .... Was that againsit the law ?! Put my books inside my bag ? Do you know know that when I lost my bag , those worksheets which I used my hand to carry were not lost ? But all those books inside my bag were all gone ! Don't you know that I would be going to Jurong Point and Chruch ! Ask me to bring such a big and bulky bag ?! Now .. Mum .... don't leture me about how many more months to my O level ....You are the very last person who should remind me , and I won't take your advises like , " work hard " , even if you are the very last human being on earth ! And why don't you save those study craps for you own son of shine , why waste it on you own daughter of disaster ? Cut your crap about you not showing favoritism ! Brother was using his Handphone , that's why he was not brushing his teeth ! Brother .... why did you not own up your own mistake and fault , like I would do if I were you ? Even if it arn't my fault , I would be more than willing to bow down and beg for forgiveness and mercy on behalf of you ! Why did you not do that , but landed me in tears and forced laughters ? There's only 1 thing I like about the whole thing ..... I'm so much stronger now .... not a drop of tear rolled down my eye . I prayed to God .... Give me the strength to forgive all who had hurted me so badly , show me your way to the turth , the light and the rightness .

I chatted with Jeff , Jansen and Victor yesterday night . I was online the whole day yesterday , in the name of doing some newspaper report . Victor and Jeff encouraged me not to give up on my education .... Thanks everyone for being behind me all the while ...... Hm ...... I would try my best to score an A1 for both my Science and Emath .... That's Mr Goh and Ms Ong's dream for me ..... And it shall be mine too ..... I would try hard to achive my dreams ..... but can I really put this past behind me and work hard ? I remembered Jun Zhan's message to me ..... I felt so down at that time because my classmates double checked with me if I had really dropped Amath ....... Jun Zhan messaged , " Foce and work harder on your other subjects . " Everything was fine today , instead , it was excellent ! I went to Jurong Junior Collage for it's love fiesta wih Lydia today . It was really fun hanging out with her ..... she gave me a hug while we were together .... Thanks a lot , girl ! Mr Koh messaged me ... it turned out that there's 15 classmates who had failed the Emath test which was held on Tuesday . Inside Mr Koh's message , he added , " Mu Jie passed . " I was so happy and jumped in joy , Lydia congrated me and she treated me foods , money for the Hunted Mission . Hunted Mission ..... It was really scarely ! The actors wore white cloths , with llllllllllloooooooonnnnnnnggggggg dark and dry wigs .... When the four of us , Lydia , me and two of her friends went inside , I was totally freaked off by the 2 ghost satanding at the entrance .... and I ended up grabing all my friend's hands throughout the journey . I went home and slept for most of the afternoon before I left for tuition . I got to pay for my bus ride with cash since Brother took my Ez - link card and headed to Chingay to capture those wonderful , once in a blue moon performances . I saw a ray of hope when I received Mr Koh's message .... Maybe .... I'm arn't that hopeless afterall ..... I can do it if I want to ..... If you believe you can , you are right , if you believe you can't you are right . I believe I can ....... and I would be right ..... A1 for Science and Math ...... that'll be mine , one and only ..... I would be like a ball ...... boucing back higher and higher each time .....

Hm ..... at least ..... now I have more determination to go through my days .... today arn't that bad .... as least I'm no longer that sad over dropping those stupids subjects .... Before I start blogging about what took place today , I shall describe what my Mum's reaction towards me dropping subjects .... I managed to have the strength to write out the letters after Kai Xin's tuition . Why didn't I wrote the letters eariler ? Easy , because I don't want Mum to tell tales again ...... Mum was watching television when I wrote finish the letters . I gave it to her .... she signed the letter for dropping Amath ........ But when it come to the Pure Science letter , she asked , " Why drop this subject ? " She won't sign until she get a vaild explation from me . I just said , " It's easier . " But she won't hear of it ! She asked all sort of damn questions , " Then how many subjects are you taking now ? " , " What class are you in now ? " Danm it ! Can't she just sign her DANM name on the letter and let me get back into my room to do my own things ?!!?!? When do those subjects I'm taking concern her ? So what if I go into 4E6 , which I never go in anyway ? Two worst part about the scenario . Brother was happily chatting away , on his handphone ( I must add )with his ( girl ) friend ..... and he did not respond to my eye contect , he was too busy socializing . And the another thing was ... Mum comapred me with Brother again ... I mean , what's the use of comapring ?! Die - hearted - me ! I have already given up everything ..... so , why comapre , right ?! Haiz ......... who cares about Mum's comment , right ?! As if it would affect me that much ...... I mean , those words which she used on me last time were far wost than those words she just said ...... Haiz ... Brother , you knew what her comment was , she did repeated it again when she talked to you after you finally finished chatting . This morning , after flag rising , suddenly everyone walk towards Ms Ong to hand in their letter ...... I followed the flow .... and Ms Ong wants me to write down my contect number ..... I thought Ms Ong said she won't call my parents ??????!!!!! I gave the number to her ....... how I wish that I give Ms Ong a fake number ..... No way ... this can't be ! Ms Ong can't call up my parents ! I looked for Ms Ong during recess ..... somehow , her words made me trust her once again . So , I told her what Mum's respond was when I asked her for her signature . Just giving Ms Ong some mental perparation only ..... But nevertheless , I still wish that I had talked more when I was describing to Ms Ong what happened the night before .... I just sat down in the folyer when Miss Ang came and asked me about my life .... What have I said ? What have I not said ? Miss Ang did asked me about the stress and pressure of having such a genius Brother under the same roof ....... I went home after the Chinses Test ( which was very difficult ) and brought a bowl of Chicken Porridge to eat . Guess that my childhood illness never really leave me ..... Maybe I would tell something to Ms Ong ... something is still bothering me , should I contect Ms Ong ?? But would she betray me ? Or should I just keep my breath to cool my porridge ? " God , grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change , The Courage to change the things I can , And the Wisdom to know the difference . " Haiz ..... it rained quite hard in the afteernoon ....... angels in heaven cried for me once again ..... God ..... I don't know .....

Mum woke Brother up this morning , but I woke up too . It was terrible ... I aching all over and feeling so tired and yet I don't want to sleep ....... Oh yes ....... I never blog about this ... but these few days , my tummy achedv painfully every morning !!!! I don't want to go to School !? What excuse can I give to Ms Ong about not handing in my letter of dropping Pure Sciences ???? And what can be worst when there's PURE Chemsitry and PURE Physics class today ?! Part of my time table for today was - Recess , PURE Chemistry , PURE Physics . It's really too much for me .... Plus , what's the use of attending those lessons when I've decided to drop thoses subjects ?!!?!?!? I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL !!!!! I ate finish my breadfast and took a 10 to 15 minutes of nap ! Haha .... sleeping early in the morning even though I woke up less than an hour ago ? I went to School ... Ai Hui , Mei Qi and Hui Min were there .... they were revision their Amath ...... Haiz .... I never spoke a word to them ..... Guess now I don't even bother to wear my mask and mix around to forget about everything ??? Or was it that I'm plain tired ?? The first period was PE .... we ran around the School and we played Shot Put ..... I was just modeling around with Hui Ming , Hui Min , Li Xin , Mei Qi , Ai Hui ..... when one of the guys threw the Shot Put towards us .... It hitted Li Xin's back ..... and the Shot Put bounced and smacked right onto my right arm !!!!! And the worst thing was ...... Nobody noticed it ..... nobody bother to ask me if I'm alright .... nobody cares about my injured hand ..... all of them crowded around Li Xin !!! Yi Yang ( I suppose he's the one who threw the ball ) apologized to Li Xin ... and he never even spoke to me !!!! To vent all my anger .... sorrows and pains ..... I ran round the School , well , our PE teacher asked us to ... I ran and ran and ran ..... I dashed and dashed and dashed ..... I never bother about my physical health ...... and when I ran finish ..... I then realized how pain my sides were !!!!!!! During recess Ai Hui and I were in the foyer . And I took advanage of the privacy to message Ms Ong , " Ms Ong , sorry . My letter was not written yet . I would hand in to you tomorrow . " Yes ... I brought my Handphone to School once again .... I can't really help it , can I ? I mean ..... I don't know what lies in the future ...... What if I suddenly need Brother's help or what so ever ?!!? We changed our usual place for the " second half " of our recess ... we went inside the AVA theater . Mdm Peng wants Ai Hui to help her record some test , chinses spelling marks ..... I went out to the general office 2 times .... The fist time was with Ai Hui to get a red pen . I went alone the second time to get liquid paper . And guess what !? Both times ...... I saw Ms Ong talking to my classmate !!!!! It must be about the O level subjects again !!!! I felt totally pissed and everything !!!! I don't know why ! Maybe ... it's because ... I guess I need her help now , to tell her about everything I felt ..... and about that idiotic website ! Well , even though nothing happened yesterday , but the feeling was still there ..... The hurt and everything ..... acting as I don't know everything , and as if the website owner never tell them everything ! And what did Ms Ong typed so nicely in her message ?!!?!?!?!? Slot me down for Step !?!?!?!? What a joke !!!!! I don't know ...... but I really do wish that it's just like last week , or the week before .... when everything was still in place ...... Can I wish that it's ten years before ? When I was still 5 year old , knowing about nothing .... not understand what yearning is all about ?! Sigh .... Chemistry was next ..... When Ms Ong's lesson ended , she asked those 13 of us to hand in the letter ..... she never said my name .... When Ms Ong was on her way out of the classroom , she placed her hand on mine and asked , " Your parents know ? " " ...... No , " I manged to say .... " Can you see me after your test ? " There was Amath test from 1.20 pm to 2.15 pm , a lunch break , then Amath retest from 2.30 pm to 3.00 pm . " I don't know if I got test or not .... " Thanks a bunch for reminding me that I've dropped Amath , Ms Ong ! And Mr Koh never tell me if he still have any test papers for me to sit ..... Physics was next ...... It's totally .... Our lessons was inside the lab . I wanted to sit with Ai Hui , I want to tell her about what Ms Ong told me just minutes ago ... I don't know if I should tell Ms Ong about EVERYTHING now ..... especially after seening her talking to my classmate ...... The probability of Ms Ong telling my classamtes things which she used to tell me is 1 . The probability of Ms Ong telling my classamtes things which she is going to tell me is 1 too . Haiz ..... But instead ............ Ai Hui placed her hand on my shoulder and pushed me towards my seat .... I was totally annoyed by her actions and I turned around and shouted at her . How come everyone is hurting me at this moment of my life ?!!?!?!? Haiz ..... Mr Khor asked all thoese who are going to take Combine Science to go to the front , as for the rest , they were given some work to do . Hm ..... I went out there can came back again , Mr Khor just want to talk to those who had not make up their mind ...... I sat beside Ai Hui , since it's a class work , everyone got into their group , and Ai Hui was alone . Once I sat down , AI Hui shiffed her position .... so , I was left all alone ..... those who had completed their work were busying revising Amath . Haiz ..... I was so lonely ...... I went back to the front of the lab to listen to Mr Khor talking about A1 , A2 and C5 , C6 ..... Hm ..... Mr Khor did told us about our Combine Science Chapters ..... Lots of chapeters were deleted ..... Especially those very chim chapter ...... Should I be glad , or should I be not ?! Mr Khor talked finish ..... I went back to my seat ..... looking as my friends busying trying to fill their mind about Amath ..... Hm ....... my mind began to wonder again ...... what's so bad about taking Sub Science anyway ?!!?!? It arn't that bad ! Let's see who's going to have the last laugh ! I shall laugh , looking at them struggling to fighting with each other ..... feeling the stress of being a PURE student ! What's so bad about my subjects now ? Hm , Combine Science students arn't failure , right ?! Brother told me that ...... Okay .... now , I have been demoted ..... so what ?! Instead .... I am going to do just like what Jun Zhan told me to ! Don't fail at Combine and Emath ! I'm not going to feel ashame or what so ever ..... I'm not going to ! I went to look for Ms Ong after School , since Mr Koh don't have anything for me to do .... " You need me to talk to your parents ? " Ms Ong asked .... " No .... " What's the use when you surly tell them the very same thing you talk to other parents !? " Did Mr Khor talked to those 13 of them ? " " Yes . " " Infront of the whole class or what ? " " He asked us out ..... " Thanks a bunch for reminding me about Ai Hui , during Physcics ..... " You alright or not ? You were like .... very lost for the past few days . " " Huh .... much better ....... " I did thought about telling her about the website .. and my feelings about dropping Pure ..... But she was looking after her Emath class .... they were having Emath test ... how can I take up her time like that ?! We talked ...... hm ... and I made Ms Ong promised me NOT to call my parents after she received my letter ...... She assured my by telling me that she " would take note if it . " Hopefully ..... this simply promsie ...... she can keep it .... I went home after buying Chincken Chop for lunch .... Brother came home early today ...... Yes , thanks Brother for everything you've done !!!!! Thanks for being there , everytime , for me ! While some people whom I thought were my friends were just acting , well , thanks so much for acting as you care !

What happened today ? Things which are not nice !! School was fine .... there's health check today , about our blood pressure and all .... Wonder how the machine is able to detect our blood pressure by contecting and expanding ? It's my very first time time taking blood pressure test , and I , to be trueful , was quite scared when it contect . I wonder what it's going to do to my arm ! During recess , Ms Ong did walked by me , but no a word spoken to me . My words , expression and emotions to Ai Hui were limited during that time as one of my junior was around . We went MLC during English . Ai Hui was understanding . She lent me her book without me asking her for it since I DON"T even know that I need to bring the book . Hm , I went inside my blog , Jun Zhan , Jeff and Jansen taggied the night before . A friend in need is a friend indeed . Sometimes , it seems that Jun Zhan's friends are so much better than mine ! Jansen did tagged . Hm , but I doubt he did read my posts . I know that my posts are getting longer day by day , because now , I only have my this precious blog to share my feelings with . Inside here , I can say all I want , everything inside my heart . Face to face - I might lie . Jeff gave me an online hug . Thanks ! I guess I really need it ! But , do drop by my blog often , Jeff and Janson ... I saw 2 of my classmates reading my blog while we were inside the MLC . Hm , I don't know what to think . That's the price I have to pay for posting online , right ? Finally ..... after the last period of School .. I went back to classroom . Ms Ong wants to see those who are taking Combine Science for O level . She wants us to share our feelings , post our questions about Combine Science to her . Ms Ong asked me what's my decision , I just told her , without any feelings , " drop " . It sounded ssssssooooo final ... Ms Ong talked to us about what B3 , B4 .... and D8 , F9 . I was not listening ... I was using my selective hearing . Ms Ong gave us a slip of paper ... just like the size of those reply slip of consent forms ... I folded it nicely , then bend it , twist it , venting all my anger .. hurts and sorrows .... I can't bear hearing her ! I can't believe it ! If I don't do something to force my mind to think about other thing , I guess I would just break down right infront of MS Ong and cry ...... When I finally can't bear it any longer ... I took my bag and hid my Handphone inside my bag . I messaged Brother . I finally know what's the real problem with me . I don't want to give up yet and be seen as a failure to myself in Pure Sciences . Amath had been a real nightmare for me . Pure Sciences ..... I've struggled , no doubt about it .But what about others ? I don't want to give up yet , I want to fight on ! Yes , I've given up more and more each time when I got back my test papers ! I was only able to get a single digt for my Chemistry Mock Exam ! What more am I asking for ? I mean .... how can one not feel dishearted about my results ? Have I studied ? Well , why study when I already know , deep down inside my heart that Combine is then mean for me . The fire inside me slowly became a glow .... It lost it's brightness as days went by . As days became weeks , and then months , finally year ..... For the start of the year , it became a glow , and finally , the glow died down , it became ashes .... No more fighting spirt , no more determination . It's the end for my Pure Science Student life .... " I've tried so hard , and got so far , but in the end , it dosen't even matter " Final fantasy 9 . I got no idea what Ms Ong was talking to the 9 , or 10 of us . 3 of the pupils were not present , and one of them who was present was not really around . She was in her own dreamland . I stared into the Teacher's desk talking to Ms Ong too . It was after the end of year exams , and Ms Ong asked me to go out and chat with her . I remembered last year , it was ALMOST the same ....... I was sitted at the same place , but a different girl . Last year , the girl , she still have some opportunity to fight for her O level subjects , she was only half beaten .... Yes , that girl was half hearted too .... There was only a glow inside her at that time ..... But now , it's final ! There's neiter a fire nor a glow . I can't find any fighting spirt within me . I've given up totally ! Amath , Pure Sciences ... what's next ? Might as well ask me to drop the whole idea of taking GCE O level ! Where I want to go ? What's my aim ? If you ask the girl I was last year , I would say , " If I can , I would go Junior Collage , but Poly is acceptable too . " Brother , I guess you've got a parnter ! You don't need to worry about Mum nagging at you for not knowing what you want to be when you grow up ! Ms Ong did asked me to write down the telephone number of my parents , so that she could double check with them if they really know that I'm no longer a Pure Science Student ...... Well , everyone needs to ...... Ms Ong finally allowed us to go ..... I was reading Brother's message about not crying over spilled milk , don't fail at Combine and Emath . I amlost bumped into Ms Ong ! I hid my Handphone and tried to avoid her ..... I pretended to be invisible ..... I tried to walk as fast as my legs can carry me ..... " Mu Jie , you alright ? " " Yes .... , " why ask when you know that I was lying , I was crying inside , in a mourning mood ???? " Don't run away ( from me ) " Ms Ong said . Well , wait , relax ! I am not running away from you , Ms Ong , but I am running away from EVERYTHING !!! I am in no mood to chat now , even if you ask me for Step . And your message .... what did you typed ? You promised that you would talk to me during Step ..... now what !?!?!? " You have Chinese Dance today ? " " Yes .... , " and I don't want to attend it ...... " Are you eatting your lunch ? " " Yes , " " You eatting ? " " Yes " " Do you need me to explain to Miss Ang that you would be late ? " " No .... " Well , I don't owe Miss Ang any explanation . Chinese dance was fine ..... they never talk to me , and I never talk to them ...... just like the very start of the year ... what's new ? Kevin and Yi Yang asked me about those Amath tests tomrrow .... Funny ! It shows how much attention they are giving Mr Koh ! I thought it's known to public ???? I forgot to bring my house key today , stayed outside the house waiting for Mum to come back .... Neighbour's baby accompany me ...... haha So carefree .... cheerful ..... How I wish to be a baby .... and forget about everything .... But No ! I got to face all these all alone ... I got to climb out of the long , dark hole all alone ..... by myself ..... no one can help me ..... But just give me a few days to mourn and to realize that I'm stuck inside the hole ..... I know that God had granted me a lot of people who care and concern for me ...... But I got to be independent to climb it up ..... have the strength to climb up the hole ..... No one can help me ...... not even Brother ..... But I know that all of you would be at the top of the hole , waiting for me to climb up ... and cheering me on ..... I would be in a foul mood thses few days .... don't anger me .... I mean , I would laugh more than I do .... Joke around more that I used to .. The more hurt I am , the more I would put on a mask and mix around ....... to forget about everything .... Well , let me have some time to mourn the death of Pure Science .....

Hm .... What happened today ?! God ! I wish I know ! Let me recall .... Everything's going on too fast for me ! Okay ... Early in the morning , it was Amath . I went to the back of the classroom to do my Emath worksheets ... Mr Koh decided to teach Emath after that . Well , I've left my Emath worksheet at home . It was another piece of worksheet . I told Mr Koh that ..... luckly he's not really that angry ..... Mr Goh's right . If I look at Mr Koh from another angle , Mr Koh's actually quite nice . He said that first time never bring worksheet , nevermind . But second time - sit outside the classroom . Wow ..... thank God ! Hm ...... after Math .... was Social Studies ...... I guess so .... We finally got back our Social Studies paper .... I fail .... But how much ? I've forgotten ...... Guess it's 17/50 ? Should be ..... and surprise ! Ai Hui passed the paper .... while I failed so badly ! Hm .... I was really very tired . And our Social Studies teacher wants us to do some Structured Question ? Well ..... I dozed in and out of sleep . But I did finish the question ! Chinses Period was next . Mdm Yap was not around . So , I took the free time to arrange my Chemistry File ..... Recess ..... I was in the folyer when the website owner and her friend ( from the same gang ) were around . Both appeared at different time ..... Ai Hui did came down , but she was later than me ...... Suddenly ... I arn't feeling right ....... Suddenly .. all those emotions came back to me !!!!! I admited to Ai Hui that I won't want to attend the stupid practice tomorrow ..... And the more I talk about it ..... the more tears came rolling down my face ..... I can't stand it anymore ! Even though she was walking in and out of the floyer .... I can't stand it ! I don't have a friend like her ! I though that she would understand me . I'm dreaming !!!!! Puke when you see me ? Well ... I cry when I see you ..... Cry - let go all your sorrows , all your hurts , all your pains , all your emotions , all your feelings . And then you will have no regrets , no more sorrows , no maore hurts , no more pain ..... everything's out of your brain , by rolling out from your eyes in the form of tears . Puke ? Puke - vomit all your foods and feel hungry after that . It's bad for your health too . And let me warn you , you normally see me after your lunch , you can skip your lunch every Wednesday , okay ? So that you won't waste your time and effort eatting and muching your food since you would ejected everything by vomiting . No matter how good they were to me before , how many laughters we've shared ........ it's just like a dream ... a nightmare . Now .. it's then the reality , the truth and the light . I've seen through her .... Thank God that Lydia arn't like her ...... If not ..... I don't know ! Lydia ..... it's what I call a true friendship is ! So , I ended up running to the Garden with tears ...... covering my mouth .... You , the owner of the Website ..... you're lucky ..... I caught you crying once ..... and once your very first tear started rolling ........ Everyone crowded around you ...... hugging you and letting you a shoulder to cry on ...... saying words of comfort . Me ? Haha ..... So funny ...... It's really funny ...... Who ? Who would hug me , let me cry on their shoulders and say words which I want to hear ? Him ? My crush ????? Or Him ? My Brother ? God and Jesus ????? Oh yes ........ Ms Ong did walked by while I was waiting for Ai Hui ...... but she never talk to me or anything ...... Sigh ...... I really wish that she talked to me ! Maybe ..... I would tell her about what happened ? Anyway .... take note that Miss Ang , the teacher in charge of Chinses Dance .... is Ms Ong's best friend . They always come to School together .... Crazy me ....... I was standing on the bridge .... crying and all .... when Ai Hui came and said , " Tissue provider here . " Haha ...... funny ..... Everything and everybody .... they're so funny ! WAIT !!!!! Everybody's funny ???? I remembered describing James how funny he was .. and everything crashes down .... Now I'm describing about Ai Hui ..... everything would crash down further !?!?!?!?!? Well ... we ended up sitting in the Garden talking ...... After recess was English . We wrote on a piece of post it notes about what we know about total defence .... I wrote rubbish ...... trash ... as usual . After that , my English teacher talked about what ...... * something * ego . And she did said that I used it in my Compo too ..... HUH ?!!?!? Ego !? English teacher said something like .... you lie , and your ego's speaking ..... ??????!!?!?!?!?!? HUH ?!!?!?!?!?!? I wasn't really paying attention .... Okay .. after ......... that ...... I DON'T KNOW !!!!!!! Ms Ong came into the class ..... and she wants us to wait for Hazel and Li Xin to come back from the restroom ........ Ms Ong wants to talk about our O level thing ...... At first , I thought it'll be alright ........ I mean .... like if have any illness or anything .... or if you can't pay through Giro or anything of that sort ...... But ......... I WAS SO SO VERY WRONG !!!!!!! What Ms Ong wants to talk about was ....... WHAT SUBJECTS WE ARE GOING TO TAKE FOR O LEVEL ....... Funny right !? Come to think of it ...... It's so very funny ..... Yes ........ Ms Ong did read out the names .......... Names whom she and Mr Khor ( our Physics teacher ) had considered " carefully " ....... to take Science ..... The reality of my situation slowly dawned on me . I tried to look at at Ai Hui ..... but I failed to catch her eyes .... Ms Ong did read out my name ..... and my tears started flowing , at once ...... as if Ms Ong had once again turned the tap of tears ...... Oh God .... what now !? Why am I crying !? Now what !? Argh ........ I got to hurt myself to prevent listening to Ms Ong's hurting words !!!!! God Damn it ! Ms Ong said about " not copying fine " or something ? Well ... not copying fine or not working hard enough ? Not enough determination to do well ??? Not enough determination to see through the end ???? How can I score well when I know nothing ? How can I do well in exams when I don't even know how to do those Assignments ???? Ms Ong asked those 13 pupils who had been OUTLISTED ....... what they think . I was there , staring blanking into the empty space , building castle in the air .... And Ms Ong was standing almost beside me , listening to other 12 people making their comments ...... And suddenly .... I was brought back to present by Ms Ong's knocking on my desk . " Mu Jie , how ? " She asked ..... HOW ?!!?!?!?!? FUNNY !!!! HOW ? Ms Ong , you asking me ???? Well ..... then let me answer you - HOW WOULD I KNOW ?!!?!?!?!?!? No ..... what I mean was .... do I have any other choices ?!!? Tell me honestly and consistent with fact and reality ; not false , do I have any other choices ? Well , no , I DON'T ! So why bother to ask ?? I never even bother to put on my mask ..... I just struggle my shoulder , but I was still staring at those oxygen infront of me .... Crazy ...... funny .... We went to the lab ..... what we did for CME ? God ..... how would I know ?! But I remembered ...... holding back my sad tears ........ We went to the lab for Chemistry ...... it was still Ms Ong's period ..... The first thing she did was ....... ordered all those 13 of us to see her . What Ms Ong said ..... how would I know ? Let me try to recall ...... Nah ... I've no memory of that sence ..... She said something about ..... What ??? Practical ????? I think so ...... I not sure ......... I was half way out of this reality ...... half way into my own dreamland already .... Practical ....... what we did ? I not sure ...... adding some sloution into another solution and calculate the number of mole ??? Well .... I guess so ..... Hm ... if I am not wrong ..... Ms Ong did came and talk to me ...... " Are you fine ? " Ms Ong asked . " Yes , " I laguhed out loud ! " Don't lie to me . " Well .... Ms Ong , since you know that I'm lying , then why bother to ask me ? " So how ? You take Combine Science ? " " Huh ...... oh ... okay . " * Please leave me alone * was what I really want to say ! It's too late already ...... what's done is done ..... no point crying over spilled milk ..... I've flunked my Oure totally ... and I've far too many things to think about now ....... Combine .... so be it then ! Why ask me ???? Not now , Ms Ong . Not now ..... don't you understand ?????? I have enough trouble for tomorrow already ........... " Look at my eyes , " Ms Ong ordered .... I did .... only did so to please her ...... and for a few seconds only .... Few seconds later .... I found myself playing with the tile which we needed for practical . I found myself doing the stupid practical ..... What's so good about doing it when I won't need to do it anymore ?!!? Only a waste of my time ...... Haiz ...... Practical ended ... I was returning the distilled water when Ms Ong called out to me once again ....... Haiz .... I went to her , this time with a mask ..... a smiling mask . " So how ? " Ms Ong asked . " Drop ..... " " You sure ? " I nooded my head as a reply . " I tell you what , you tonight go home and talk to your parents . You give me your answer tomrrow . " Now now now .... It's so funny again ! Firstly ...... talk to my parents ?!!?!? HELLO ?! MS ONG , YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING !!!!! Parents ...... yar indeed ...... It was Mr Goh who told my Mum that I dropped Amath ..... I never tell Mum .... Now Combine ? Talk to my parents !?!?!?!? What the ..... God Damn it !!!!!!! And ... what ? Give an anwer tomorrow ???? Be it the next day or next week , next month , next year ...... My answer will still be the same ...... It'll be the same ..... What's the answer ???? NO ! A BIG NO WAY TO COMBINE !!!!!!!! But what can I do ? Do I have any choice , since I am sssssssssssoooooooooooo damn stupid ! Others can cope ..... they can take Pure ........... Amath ...... I can take ......... NEITHER !!!!!! God damn it !!!!!!! Ms Ong asked the whole class when we were in the lab if anyone wants to do Step tomorrow ....... Why did you not choose the pupils yourself , Ms Ong .... I remembered your message clearly ..... like the back of my hand ..... just like yesterday .... You said you would talk to me during Step !!!!! Now .... it's like I'm so distance from everyone ...... And Ms Ong stills wants the whole class to stay back after School ??? Huh ? It's the class problem ???? Ha .... How come everything's so funny .... Okay ..... I'm sure glad and thankful that none of my classmates makes fun of me like my Secondary 1 and 2 classmates .... Thank you guys !!!!! We have some Emath test after School ..... Ha ..... So funny .... It'll be real surprise if i can still have the mental to do that Test ! I was doing everything but doing the test , day dreaming , playing with my pens ...... I went back home and Mum cooked for me some food ... Sister Li Hui called my Handphone and asked me about my results and " How's School . " Haha ..... How come everything so funny today !?!?!? Tomorrow .... got to hand in some Chemistry Ten Years Series work . Periodic Table ...... I have not started it . Who cares anyway ?!!?!? I'm dropping Pure ..... so why still do this stupid subject ?!!?!? Tommorow ..... everything crashes together ........ I hope so ! Step and Chinses Dance together ( hopefully ) ........ And I'll be found nowhere !

Angry , pissed off ? Well , fire of anger dies as times pass , but would the wound inside the heart be healed ? Does it have the courage , determination and perseveration to be healed ? Pastor Kong preached about Big People .... they should forgive and forget . Hm .... I never really blame Mum for scolding me all those hurtful words , instead , I felf bad for Mum scolding me like that . Guess I've hurted her a lot at that time , that's why she can't control her anger and thus vent it on me . Brother ? Well , it arn't his fault ! It's my own fault to fall off guard of temptation . Fall off gurad of the evil devil . It's my fault that my will power weaken ! But ... should I forgive ? Should I be forgiven ? School was totally ....... bad ! I can't study much . It's the same type of feeling which I thought I had gotten rid of . The feeling which I thought I would never deal with anymore . I thought I had gotten rid of the stone by throwing it away into the past . But now , it's back to square 1 again , lying happily inside my heart ! Why ? Why am I feeling so sad and all ? Wires inside my brain were disconnected , just like my internet connection . The wires inside my brain were unstable , connected and disconnected within seconds . Not even the best technician ever live can repair all the loose wires inside my brain . I can't really study during School today , not now ..... I felt as if there's more to it ... Something bad , something terrible is going to happen ! Instincts older than civilization convinced me so . Something BIG is going to happen , preparing to throw me off guard and out of balance . And the worst part is ... I'm sure that it would last .. the LEAST .... a few days . But , what is it ?! I'm scared ! What could be worst than now , right ?! I went online , there's tags from a lot of people - Brother , Jeff , Lydia , Victor and " Someone " . They encouraged me . Me ? A ball ? Bounce back higher , futher ? Haha . People hate me ! I guess it's the opposite ! So many people there waiting for me to give them a call and cry on their shoulders ! I really don't know ... Today was Valentine Day . Dad ! What a let down !

* Note to all readers , before you start reading about how my life had been completely turned over , if you don't like the idea of me being negetive or any sort , please stop reading now . * Hm ... I went for Chinses tuition in the morning . Woke up my Mum at about 8 am , when my tutition starts at 8.30 am and I'll need at least an hour to travel ! Well , lucky , Mum was not angry or anything . And I wasn't late ! Tution was fine . I left my Chinses textbook in class and I've got no idea where I dumped my Chinses Notbook and Worksheets . Who cares anyway ?! So , during Chinses lesson , I only have my Chinses Vocabulary book . Sophia gave all of us a red packed . I love Yu Xuan's red packed design ! But he like it too and he don't want to give the red packed design to me . So bad ! Met with Kai Xin and we went to Jurong Point Long John Silver to have our lunch . It was alright . We went to shop a little on level 3 . Oh ... Kai XIn and I were inside a shop when something happened and I accidently dropped my cup of coke on the floor ! Argh ! We went to other shops to shop a little when I realized that I need to buy " Princess Diaries 2 . " We went to Popular and there's plenty of " Princess Diaries 2 " ! I brought it at once ! Yeah ! It was out of stock in Jurong East Popular . Kai Xin and I went to Church . Well , the service was about " Big people . " How we should forgive and forget people who had hurted us and everything ....... Yi Sin was not around , Brother and Diana were not going for the steamboat ...... should I go or should I not ?!? Service ended and I saw Brother Pierre . And he's going to the steamboat ! James , Kai Sin , Vivien were going ....... Haiz ...... Martin gave me a rose for Valentinealen Time Day . Well , every Sisters received a rose from the Brothers ..... SBS bus 99 came at the same time with Bus 242 . Which bus should I hop on to ?! I found myself going with the flow , Bus 242 . We went to Boon Lay MRT and bored the MRT . I sat beside Li Hui and she asked me about my Common Test results ......... and I never tell her much . We reached our Steamboat destination and we stared digging in . The foods were mostly parpared by Kai Xin and Li Hui . They cooked the food and I ate it . Haha ...... it's just like the last steamboat I had . Brother made the food for me ....... Brother , if only you're around !!!!! Anyway , I got more things to blog about so I won't so describing about how Kai XIn made her scramble eggs , how Vivien made her noodles . They both were really funny ! And how we got blacklisted all because the helpful lady who sold us drinks at half price and got herself scolded by her boss ....... I went home with James and another Brother . James was talking to another Brother during starting of the ride home . Suddenly James asked me , " Why did you bring so many worksheets ? " " I got tution before the Service . " " Oh , that can't be helped . What book are you reading ? " I let him see the cover of the book . James introuded me about the books with call number 153 to 158 or something ............ Well , it's about self - improvement . I know what books he read . But sorry James , it arn't my cup of tea ! " First time receiving a rose ? " " Yes , " I admited . " Actually your Cell Group never think of it . It's my Cell Group who thought about it and we ordered for you Cell Group too . " " I see ........ " " You got Exams , or Common Tests ? " " Common Tests . " " When , " James asked . " Last week ....... " " How's your results ? " I just gave him a smile for an answer . " Why don't want say ? Either it's becasue you've done badly , or so - so or else excellent . " " I guess it's the first option , " I admited . He's so funny !!!!! I mean , where got people ask about my results in such a way !? Haha ...... he's really very funny !!!!! And so , in the end , he managed to dig out information about my tests results ...... Especially about my Emath ..... I told him that I'm the lowest in class , and told him about how I ended up with no study - groups - peers in class ...... We both talked about Junior Collage and Poly .... haiz ..... I wish to put it aside for now ....... Hm , James dropped down soon , and I left the train one stop after James . Lakeside . I walked all the way back home and I came online at once . Mr Goh should have replied to my mail ...... normally he replied late at night . I was just trying my luck ..... Well , no luck ! No reply from my ex - form - teacher ..... Nevermind . I served the web and came into a website specially dedicate to me , the one and only !!!!!! After visiting the website , I called my best friend ...... We had been best friends since I was in Secondary 1 . " Hi ..... hey ! Did you went into that website ? " I asked . " No , why ? " " Um ... you see " Before I could tell her what happened , hot tears rolled down my face . God !!!! I told my buddy what happend , together with emotions ....... I simply can't help it ! I can't stop the tears from rolling down my face ....... It's terrible ! I did pause the converstaion a few times to wipe my eyes and to stop my nose from running ........ But luckly , we did talk about our lifes ...... we did not talk completely about the website ...... Brother came home with Mum . He had went out with her . Mum wanted me to clear my room and so I did , and let my Brother to use the computer . All my things were on the floor . I squatted down to clear it ..... * Note to all readers , before you contuine reading about how my life had been completely turned over , if you don't like the idea of me being negetive or any sort , please stop reading now . * But , instead of clearing my room , I cried . Not really cried ...... there were tears in my eyes .... but it arn't that bad ! No ... it's very bad ! I got to bit my hand to prevent me from making any sobbing sounds . Squatted postition is such a nice position to cry . You just have to bow your head down in between your legs , and there you go ! You can cry it all out ! I don't know ....... I shook ....... Then I knew it ....... the deadly truth ...... I arn't strong to carry on the rest of my day without crying . I can't lie on my bed tonight , with the light out and everything without crying . Hm ... somehow , I managed to clear my room and get ready for bed . Brother was already on bed and I told him ...... he said it happened in every sociality ! It was then I backed off ....... Oh God ! Now what !? I knew about his CCA ..... and now I'm loading him with this stupid website !?!?!?!? Argh !!!!! I went to bed ... no doubt , I cried ...... I remembered feeling so hopeless and all ..... I drew my legs close to my body , bitting my hands so that no sobbing sounds could he heard .... my face was all wet , even thogh I've wipped them dry after washing my face . Why !? What actually happened ?!!?!?!? Sorry , Brother . I went into your Blog and saw one paragraph .... about your girl ... She's real lucky , fortunate ! She's in good terms with her Mum , I believe ...... what about both of us !?!?!? Who would let me cry in their arms ? Who would show me the care and concern I need , or when I need it ?! Who would lent me a helping hand in need ? Who would be there for me ?!!? Suddenly , my perfect life ...... the perfect pitcure of my life ....... all the colours became dull , colours of darkness .... and sadness too ! This life ....... I'm really crazy ! I've done things which I never though I would do ..... like my past ...... how in the world did I end up with such a bad terrible past ?!!?!?!? Tell Ms Ong everything ?! About my life ?! What a joke ! And what have I done ?! Told Mr Goh about me cutting my wrist !?!? Crazy !!!!! Why tell everything to them !? What's the use ??? Would they understand me ? Would ANYONE understand me !? The most inner me , who is always afraid of the sunlight ........ Maybe , Mr Goh and Ms Ong - they'll end up huting me too , just like the owner of the web ? Kai Xin , Diana , Li Hui ...... I never tell them about my hurt and failure even thoght Sisters are always there for me ..... And somehow , James got to know about me being the lowest in class for math ! I talked to him just minutes before my whole life become a failure ! I never really tell Kai Xin , Diana and Li Hui ? I never really say about my math ...... Different people have different ways of dealing with people like me ....... and it seems that James way of dealing with me , questioning me ...... suits me ..... The owner of the website ..... pissed off !? Haha ! I thought the owner would understand me ! Well , I'm not pissed off ...... definitely not . I'm not that easily peeved . Why would I be !? Sure , different people have different views about things , different people have diferent ways of handing things ..... I won't get pissed off . Normally , I would forget about being angry within a short period of time . But .... Now is the case of hurt ...... I always thought you would understand me ..... I've told you about my Secondary 1 / 2 things ........ maybe it's still hunting me , that's why I never really mingle around and everything . I only hang around with people whom I trust that they won't break my heart . Those Secondary 1 / 2 " classmates " are really ..... far too much for me to accept ! Well , not everyone have the benefit to know what happened ...... Vanassa knew about it , Ai Hui , , Melody , Lydia and Sok Ee ..... But would they remembered about ?! That's the thing ...... it arn't much ...... but I guessed it had costed me my whole freedom and friendship in Yuahu Secondary School !!!! I tell people because I believe and felt that they would understand me , and let me lead a whole new life with them ...... with Ai Hui , Melody , Vanassa , Lydia , Sok Ee . No doubt .... everyone had been there when I need them ....... Ai Hui .... what do I have to say !? She's the one I always sit with during recess in the Garden and cry out everything to her ....... Vanassa .... we only best buddy behind this computer screen ..... no doubt , it's so much better to reveal my real self inside here ...... But would she lent me a shoulder to cry on .... like ......NOW , now that I'm crying like a little baby on my bed ....... Well , how would I know ?! I never really find anyone when my life's everything BUT perfect !!!! Lydia ....... Wow ! She never got angey after reading what I wrote about her ..... I'm really sorry ! But now , we're best friends once again ...... I really like her and treasure her friendship . She had been there for me . Sok Ee .... I told her about how Vivien came into my room , trying to come inside my heart ...... and Kai Xin ....... how she shared with me about her feelings after knowing that I've lied to her ........ Haiz ..... Melody ...... she's my Godsister no matter what ...... we're not that close , instead , we're becoming more and more distant ! She called me up to aske me about literature . I remembered that time when she called , I was studying my Geography . It was during the End of year exam last year . So , I got to stop memorising all the definition and everything to tell her about the literature ... And also ..... that time ...... hm ...... she got to go for check up because of something which had hurted her alot ..... Melody Sister thought she got to have injections ...... and I comforted her via Messages ...... Who ?! Who are my friends , and who are not ?! Who can I run to now ?! I thought that my Secondary 1 / 2 classmates are my friends .... but what happened ?! Friends ....... they had been given the key to my heart . But my heart have lots of layers ..... Who can I give the key to ..... without them misplaceing the key ? Doubtfullenss everywhere ...... No doubt , it's so much better to reveal my real self inside here ...... But WHO WOULD lent me a shoulder to cry on .... like ......NOW , now that I'm crying like a little baby on my bed ....... Well , how would I know ?! I never really find anyone when my life's everything BUT perfect !!!! Would anyone care about me ?! Won't I be better off dead ! Well , the owner of the website talked about harted ...... Yes , maybe I'll be better off dead ... everyone hates me in one way or another ..... but I can't change myself to please you , for I'm unique ! Like now .... Mr Goh and Ms Ong would hate me for thinking about ending my life once again ........ see ..... people would hate me ! Won't others life be better when I'm off dead ?! Their life would be so much better ! Why let others , so may people suffer under my bossy attitude !? Why let people hate thier CCA all because of me ?! I'll be more than willing to quit my CCA , no ...... not you quiting your CCA ..... that'll be a no way ! I won't hear of it ! Well ..... I can resolve them all when I'm out of this world ! My hand ....... which I was bitting to prevent me for crying too loud ....... Those long , green ( ? ) freshly , bloddy veins inside the skin ..... Just draw a straight line with a penknife ...... Yeah !!! No need to be too straight ...... just allow some blod to flow out of you veins ..... that's it ! Let me end it once and for all ! I'm sick and tired ! Not of living ..... But sick and tired of puttting a strong front and laughting while I'm beeding inside me .... While I feel totally lonely inside ! While those wounds , hurted by different people are filled with ... more than blood ..... but with salt too ! Understand !? Comprehend ?! Would anyone REALLY understand and comprehend me ?! Would anyone reading my blog understand and comprehend and knows about me ?! About my feelings ?! Well ....... I never really say it ...... But does anyone knows how hurtful and outcast one felt seening your classmates discussing about every important subjects like Amath , Chemistry or Physics while you become a mute all because you know nothing about those subjects ?! Okay ... maybe .... I'll be taking Combine Scince real soon .. I believe ..... So .... how about ...... does anyone knows how hurtful and outcast one felt seening your classmates discussing about the important subject called , Amath , while you are the lowest even in the basic Emath and you dropped Amath ?! I know .... it's all my fault again ...... I never study and put in enough effort right !? Haiz ..... Mr Goh , Yi Xin .... etc ..... etc ...... all said that I sounded sad and negative inside here ... well , I got feelings too , espically that I am a girl ! Plus my way of thinking differ too ...... Mine is unique . One in a zillion ! Indeed I am negative and sad ..... I'm convinced now ... But why would I be ? All because you people had craved me into what I am today . What more can I say ? Can anyone laugh my happiness ? Can anyone cry my sadness ? Like now ?! Anyone can wear my mask , but have anyone seen my true naked face !? I'm sick and tired of that mask ! Sick and tired of wearing that mask ! What's so good about that mask ?! So that my form teacher , ex - form teacher , and Chinses teacher come knocking on the door of my heart , like what Vivien did , asking me to let them in !? So that I can get their attention and cry , running to them ? I don't know ! Yes , no doubt I call my self a leader , well ...... anyone can be leader , but DOES anyone wants to be a leader MORE than me ?! How about the owner of the website !? Let me ask you !? Have you ever THOUGH about being a leader and bring the members to a higher level ?! With more members as years go by ?! Your determination , more than mine ?! Your earning of being the leader .... more than mine ?! No one wants to me a leader more than me , I believe .... so why not let me take the post and give my best shot ?! And you called yourself a Christan ..... Have you read the Bible ? Have you done acconding to God's purpose ?! Well , let me introuduce some verses to you , like what my Brother did ..... Gensis 25 : 23 . " One people will be stronger than the other , " Gensis 27 : 29 . " May those who curse you be curse and those who blss you be blessed . " Deuteronamy 28 : 12 - 14 . " The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty , send rain on your lead in season and to bless all the work of your hands . You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none . The Lord will make you the head , not the tail . If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them , you will always be the top and not the bottom . Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today , to the right or the left , following other gods and serving them . " Does anyone have skin which is thinker than mine ?! Knowing that people hates me and yet I still joke around with them !?!?!? Anyone who can still laugh and joke around knowing that those people are talking behind your back ?! All those questions which I had typed ...... all the answers are ... NO ! So , why bother reading my blog and NOT knowing ANYTHING about me ?! Diana ..... I don't know if you're reading this ....... I hardly receive any tag from you nowadays ...... Now , let me ask you , why you came here ? Care and concern for me ? And why so !? Mr Goh and Ms Ong ........ why are they going the distance , getting into my life ? Scared that I'll end my life once again !? Ms Ong ......... Oh ... how I wish that I can sort of contect her now ........ I know .. it about 12 plus now ..... she'll be asleep ! Mr Goh would be awake ...... he would be ..... So much for my steamboat dinner ... and so much for telling James about my Emath .... So much for my happy ending ! Being tortured one day won't lead to revenge . Being humilited one day arn't anything . But if you're tortured and humilited everyday , won't you want to taste the sweet , bloody red , warm blood of revenge ?! You ...... yes , the owner .... why would you come in here ?! To see how trashed my life had been ? Readers too .... Why come in here ? To see if I had left the key to my heart unattented ?

The day started .... the day ended ....... terribly wrong ! Woke up at 8 or 9 am plus and I heard Mum and Dad shouting . " Oh well , it arn't the right time to get out of the bed . " I thought to myself . Zzz....... " Mujie , wake up . It's 11 am plus and we're late ! " I opened my sleepy eyes ....... Daddy ....... I got up and changed . I wore a white spaghetti stripes shirt with a blue transparent shirt . And a blue jeans texture mini skirt . I went out of the Masterbed room and Brother commented that I don't look nice . Nevermind . I ate my breadfast instead . After eatting , I went to change into a blue shirt . Mum saw that when I was in my room and she shouted , " What's the matter with you ?

Hm . a number of things happened today .... Good or bad ? I can't say . I've given my words to Mr Goh that I would look at a brighter side of life . And if that's the case , well , then my day was alright overall . I woke up , I got out of my bed and looked at the clock . 5 am ... It's still early . I'm having some problems sleeping today . Is it because I don't know what Ms Ong's reaction would be when she read the accidently sent message ? I went back to sleep . I woke up again , this time by the sound of my alarm clock . I switched off the alarm , and " 1 message received . " There , I knew it ! No doubt , the message was from Ms Ong . And Ms Ong sent that message at 5 am plus ..... I did woke up at 5 am plus ..... and I missed the vibration of the message !!! I ressured her that it's nothing . After that , while I was adding some sauce to the half boiled egg which my Mum had made . But the bottle of sauce lost it's balacne when I tried to recap it . It spilled all over the table and I had a hard time cleaning it ! Argh ! So much for the start of the day ! Hm ....... I went to School and sat at the parade ground with Ai Hui , Hui Min and Mei Qi . I was copying the Emath paper when I heard Wei Wen say , " Nevermind . You will only sit outside the lab only . " Huh ..... sit outside ...... the .... LAB ? Oh my ! " Argh !!! " was my reaction when I realized that I had forgotten to bring the Chemistry Practical Workbook ! I told Ai Hui about it and she wasn't helping me at all ! She commented , " Oh my ! You're dead ! You would not be able to do the practical ! You would sit outside the lad and look at us ! " Hey ! What is this ! Do I need a reminder from her ?! To think that she could say such a thing when I'm in BIG trouble ! She arn't being suppotive at all ! Nevermind ... just let me die all alone , fine !?!? After the flag raising and all the announcements , we went back to class . First period was Amath . The class sat for the Amath test whereas I sat for some 2005 Yuhua Secondary Emath Common Test 1 , Secondary 3 Express . And at the top right hand coner , Mr Koh wrote , " I will mark this paper , please pass well . " " Okay .... nevermind " , I comfort myself . This test totally caught me offguard ! I wasn't mentally prepare ! And look , Mr Koh got to remind me to put in my best foot in to pass the test . I need someone to refresh my mind to pass well in tests ! And to make matter worst ...... While everyone was busy solving the mind - challangeing Amamth ( Emath for the special Princess ) , Mr Koh told me , " Please buck up ! Your common test ..... was badly done . I don't want to put in any good words " " But then I doubt that you would pass your Emath if you contuine like that . I don't know where you want to go , Junior Collage or Poly . " I just sadly nodded my head ....... I knew it ....... I've done badly for my very first common test ....... After talking to me , Mr Koh wrote on the whiteboard ....... " Emath Common Test 1 , Hightest , Meiqi - 76 / 80 . Second , Winston - 74 / 80 . Most of you did not pass well , lowest - 43 / 80 . Zhi Hui - 68 / 80 . Pratheep - 67 / 80 . What other excuses ? " After reading it ....... I've lost all my strength to do the DAMN Emath Common Test Paper ! I don't feel like doing ANYTHING at all ! Not even doing my favourite pastime , like for example , readling novels . I don't want to do anything ! My name should be written done too ...... if only it's the pass year Common Test . I've done that paper before and I scored a total of 35 out of 50 ! What happened ?!!?!?!? Nevertheless , I forced myself to do the Paper ..... Then Mr Koh said , " I think I'll give you the answer key and you mark yourself . I got no time to mark for you . " I gave him a nod as respond . See , I'm so weak that even my Math teacher also don't want to spent , the most , half an hour to mark my this DAMN paper ! After a while , Mr Koh asked if I have my Emath Ten Year Series with me , I told him I have the book with me now . I took out my book and Mr Koh began giving me questions ... The class handed in their Amath paper , whereas I contuined doing the Common Test .... Amath paper was 1 hour , while my paper was 1 and a half hour . Actually , by the time they handed in their paper , I was ready to hand in my Emath paper too . I don't want to even have a look at it ! Then , before Mr Koh leture the class ....... " Mu Jie , you got the lowest , 43 . But you don't need to stand up when I call your name . " What !?!?!?!? Now ..... now ....... now ...... I don't know !! What the !!!!! I'm the lowest !?!?!?!? I thought ........ I ...... I don't know !!!!! Damn it !!! My brain was totally blocked by Mr Koh's word ! Damn it ! I'm not parpare of the finally smash - down ! I'm not ready for the news ! Or should I say ..... it's expected . Every Math test , the lowest would be Liew Mu Jie ? Argh ! Then Mr Koh began to call out names of those who had under perform ..... Ai Hui , Hui Min , Winnie , Wei Wen , Darrick ..... etc ..... I only caught a few names .... but I don't believe it ! Ai Hui and Hui Min !? I thought ........... Well , if they had under perform , what more can I say about the girl who had EVEN dropped Amath !? Of couse the girl would ..... have problems answering the Math questions too , right ?! After Amath , it was Chinses . Mdm Yup came in and gave us the test on " Complian letter " . How do you think someone who had never study score for the test ? I think I would get ... 60 % or more ? Nevermind ...... whatever ...... Literature was next . The WHOLE class handed in the Literature journal . But .... was it REALLY completed ? I doubt so ..... Mine arn't and I still handed it in . Recess ...... I went with Ai Hui to look for MS Ong . I was totally .... down right pissed with my day ! Ms Ong came out and Ai Hui told her that I had forgotten to bring my CHemistry Practical Workbook . Ms Ong asked , " Why ?! " " Um ....... I forgotten .... but a number of them also forgot to bring . " After a while , Ms Ong asked me about the message ..... ARGH ! But I told her the truth ! Yes I did and I'm proud of it ! Normally , if it's other pepole , I would just laugh and tell them , " It's nothing . " Ms Ong asked , " What are you hiding from me ? Who are you messaging to ? " " Huh ...... you don't know ..... I mean , Mr Goh never tell you ? " " I had been very busy , no time to contect him . So ? " Ms Ong asked again . " Huh .... um ... I was actually messaging to Mr Goh ..... I mean ..... I told Mr Goh that I'm scared of my Chemistry and Physics ...... " " He e - mailed me yesterday asking me is it because I'm scared of letting you down ....... " Words just came out of my mouth . Ms Ong comforted me ..... and after that , a big load was lifed from my chest . And she told me that she would look for me after Chinses New Year ... Yeah ! I was still wondering for the past few days if Ms Ong would come and talk to me or not ....... Seems that everything's back in place already ! Lucky Ms Ong was in a good mood .... if not ..... But then ...... there was one thing which I regreated NOT telling her ..... I actually wish to tell Ms Ong about my " well - done " Common test ..... Nevermind ...... Ai Hui and I sat in the folyer . I was marking my English Grammer Book 5 . I actually wish to share my feelings with Ai Hui . But all her juniors were around . And there's this girl who kept on talking to me . I was actually in my " alright " mood , but she angered me . She talk to me , I never answer her , even though she kept on calling my name . Ai Hui was around , and I believed that she understood my mood . Physics was next ...... Mr Khor let us have a look at how well we scored for the Common Test . I just I passed ...... I got no idea .... Mr Khor told me , " Mu Jie , you had improved , but your Chemistry ......... With your results , you can get a B3 , B4 for Combine Science ... " COMBINE AGAIN !!!!! Well , I don't care about it ..... Instead , what was on my mind was ...... Chemistry ..... Mr Khor did say about my Chemistry ..... Why Ms Ong never tell me anything about my results when she saw me just .... less than an hour ago !? Geography was next . I got 15 out of 30 for my test . To me , it's well done ! I hardly pass my Geography ! And Ai hui got 11 marks only ..... Second recess was next . I was Mdm Yup in the centeen and I passed her my Chemistry Ten Years Series , which had been long over due , and asked her to pass it to Ms Ong ...... I ate with Mei Qi , Ai Hui and Hui Min ..... Ai Hui and I were at the table when Mei Qi and Hui Min came down ..... Mei Qi was singing , " I love you " to Ai Hui . And I joked , " Ai Hui , I don't know that you are a lesbian ! " Mei Qi and I slapped Hi5 ..... the scene seems so strange . The higest for Emath Common Test 1 and the lowest pupils slap Hi5 together !?!?!? Ai Hui went up to class to take something whereas Hui Min went to the restroom . The table left only Mei Qi and I .... Then Melody came and passed me the Secondary 3 Express 2005 Common Test 1 . I said ..... " So insulting ! That Mr Koh ! ( it was Mr Koh who ordered Melody to pass me the answer key ) " Mei Qi said in agreement , " Yar . How can he ask a Secondary 3 pupil to pass you the answer key . " Well , Mei Qi knew about it since she saw Melody passing me the answer key . I contuined , " Well , you know what ? I heard from my juniors that Mr Koh told the 3E6 something about me .... about me dropping Amath . " Mei Qi said , " How can he like that !? He say about you in class is already more than enough ..... still talk about you in 3E6 ?! " Hui Min came back and we stopped talking . Chemistry ..... Ms Ong was furious with those guys who never bring the Chemistry Practical Workbook . Ms Ong asked the guys to let her have a look at their organizer . She sent them out of the lab after having a look . I was ssssssssooooooooo scared ! What am I suppose to do !? What if Ms Ong wants to have a look at my organizer too ?! I left it at home ! Should I remind Ms Ong that I also never bring the book or what ?! Ms Ong should know .... but why did she not sent me out also !? And she shouted at the guys ..... she was ssssssssooooooo angry ! What am I suppose to do !? Vanassa and Hui Min told me to go and find Ms Ong . " Um .. Ms Ong ..... " " Yes ? " Ms Ong answered . Her voice don't sound that angry . " Um ..... I also stand outside the lab ..... ? " " Yes . " Ms Ong answered . And I did ..... I stood outside , looking at my classmates adding solution to acids , looking at the reaction ..... Ms Ong soon came out and talked to each and eveyone of us . " Why so blur ?! " " Huh ...... I forgot ...... " " Go in and share book with your classmate . " I shared with Ai Hui ....... and Ai Hui shouted at me ! I was having a look at her book when she came back to her banch after doing one of the experiment . Ai Hui wanted to write donw the reaction but I was blocking her way . So she shouted at me ..... Sob ! English was the very last period .... Ms Rethmain praised me again ..... She said , " I don't know what she did during the holidays . Mu Jie had been reading and jotting down notes . " " Vanassa , how much did you get ? " " 26 . " " Mu Jie ? " " 26 also ..... " " Then how about your Compo ? " " 20 . " " Vanassa passed . It's expected . But Mu Jie passed both paper , which she normally failed . " Argh ! My book ! Ms Rethmain reminded me about my lost book ..... the book which I copied down every nice phrases which I came across while I read my novels ...... I miss it !!! Sob ..... After English , I went for Chinses Dance in the hall . Hui Min ... etc ... were complaining ! The stage was uneven . And they are not happy with it ! And Melody even suggested to Mdm Chuang to call our dance instructor because the music is still going on but our dance had already ended . Mdm Chuang actually have some suggestion , and yet Melody told Mdm Chuang to call the dance instructor ?! It's like not respecting Mdm Chuang !! I went home after that ..... And I went online . Actually planned to reply Mr Goh ..... but I received other new messages ...... One was from Ms Ong !!! But well ....... it's nothing personal . But I'm glad to receive her e - mail !!!! Another e - mail was about my sign ....... It wrote , " Libra September 23 - October 22 . Something you had dealt with permanently comes back to haunt you - although it's a lot weaker now that you can see it for what it really is . " It's true right ?! I had dealt with it permanently last year ...... but my Emath had came back to haunt me again ..... Nevertheless , last year , I still thought ALL subjects are giving me a headache ! But now I can see what is the REAL thing which I'm having problems with . It arn't English , for sure ! It arn't Geography ...... even though I barly pass .... It's my Emath ...... I passed , but ....... it's not good enough !!!!