Hehe . It's Thanksgiving today ! Hm , who I want to thank ? I guess ... for outsider , I want to thank Diana , Ai Hui , Mr Goh , Ms Ong and Sok Ee . Let me say , one by one . Diana . Well , thought I've advoided some of her questions , and guess she knew that ...... and well , told her some lieds all because I've forced to ...... nevertheless , I'm very touched by her . She never stop showing and showering me with her care and concern . Never stop telling me to call her whenever I'm in dead trouble ....... She's the only one in the cell group who's my most faithful reader . And she nver once fail to tag at my blog to encourage me whenever I'm down . Thank you Diana ! As for Ai Hui . Well , thought we nver see face to face at some times and quarrel whenever that happens , but she's always there . Sitting beside me during our recess , in the school garden . I remembered ........ I told her about The B***H , Kai Xin and Vivien ... and I cried . She never say what so ever . She told me to cry my heart out . Tell me guys , how many true friend would stop saying encouraging words but to tell you to cry everything out so that you'll feel at ease . Oh yes ! Once , even BEFORE I tell her about my problems about Vivien because she was still in the classroom ..... I cried , with Mr Goh nearby talking on his handphone ! Okay . Ai Hui was still in the classroom , while I had already came down at the ring of the recess bell . I sat in the School Garden , all alone ...... feeling lonely and wahtever words assoited with " down " , " sad " . Then all the feeling which had been eatting my during those days came out in the form of tears . I knew that Mr Goh was nearby talking on his Handphone . But at that time , the problem with Vivien was so ....... unbearable that I got to cry no matter what !!!!!! And Ai Hui came soon . She say me hugging my legs , haad down between my legs with tears . She just said , " Cry , cry for as long as you like . " That's what I did . And another time , when I was crying , Meiqi , Hui min and Angie walked by . They wanted to talk to Ai Hui , but my face was all red . So , Ai Hui chased them all away ...... See , where can I find such a good friend like her right !? Okay . Mr Goh . Why thank him ? Well , he had chatted with me during the very last day of School for this year . Why ? Because my parent had tto meet him for Meet The Parent ...... We both talked and .... everything went right after that . Ms Ong ? She had talked with me also . But it was different from Mr Goh's chat . I don't know how to say it , but I'm very touched . She's not my form teacher or what so ever , yet she took time out from her busy time table and talked with me . Sok Ee . She had heard all my troubles with Kai Xin and Vivien too . She praied together with me . God's there when there's more than 2 people ..... I skipped Chinses Dance today . I'm really not feeling well ! Nevertheless , I got to wake up early ! Dad woke me up and he went to work . I took my Hellp Kitty pink pillow , thick white blanket and slept on the bed . It was not until I heard a knock then I woke up . Cousin had arrived with her new maid ! So ..... I gave he a newpaper to read while I sign in online . Mum came home soon with another cousin's baby . And so , Mum and the maid made some pancake for me as breadfast . Brother woke up , we ate , then went to Westmall . When we reached there , Brother just told me what time to meet and where to meet , after that he left me all alone and he went and buy his stuff while I went and buy mine too . It was just like those shows on television . Compition for time , and whoever brought the best thing would be the winner . Haha . I brought a wallet from Yellow , while Brother brought a mug . We went down to Ang Mo Kio , to Vivien's house . It was so crowded ! Thanksgiving started with picture game . I was grouped with James , Felinda ... and mosty new friends . Picture game was like , one person go out and look at the word , after that , you go back to your group and drow out the words , you group members have to guess what the word is . I was been chosed to go out for the second round . Well , I went , but Brother was ben picked too ! He was from another group and people said , silbings ravil .... Haha . But my group scored the point for that round !!! So happy ! After the game , I sat with Brother , James and some new friends . There was preaching by Kai Xin , after that , it was prize presention . I was being nomated for the most cheery award , but nver win the prize ...... Sad ! After that , it was celebrating Brother's birthday time !!! Yeah ! Brother was like ....... so shy .... He's volume was turned to the maximum ! Haha . James was holding the 1 kg cake , which Warrick had brought from Jurong Point . Imangine ! Carrying a kg cake all the way from Boon Lay to Ang Mo Kio !!!!! After that , it was eatting time ! Well , after James said the grace ...... I sat with Brother . Had to . There's hot stuff inside the plate ! Haha . Can guess what I mean ? Anything I don't want or don't eat , dump it inside my Brother's plate !!!! Yeah ! James came and talked to us ..... talke to Brother I mean . He asked Brother what's his Birthday wish ...... I asked James , Birthday wishes can anyhow say out loud ? James said that there's 3 wishes , but only 1 can be said out loud ..... Is that ture ? Well , I really don't know about that ! Learned new things today ..... Diana came and chatted with Brother and I , after James left ( chatting with the new friends , I think ) . Diana was asking Brother what School he's from ...... National Junior Collage , Brother answered . I chripped in , Yar , you see , he's so clever !!! I should just keep my mouth shut ! I should not say that ! To me , it would mean that I'm still jealous with my Brother , which I seriously don't want to ! And the worst thing was ....... Diana had read my blog about " Black Sheep " !!!! How I know ? Read on ....... After all the fellowship and half an hour of biding " Goodbyes" , I went with Brother and the reast to Junction 8 . We ended up sitting inside McDonal's drinking , eatting , fellowshiping . Brother , Kai Xin , James , Zhan Wei and I went home together , earlier than the others . We boarded the train together , but Kai Xin's stop was earliler then the others . She got off first . At first , I was not talking , non of us were . But then I received a message from Jansen , wishing me Happy New Year . I showed the message to Brother , and I started talking with Brother , asking him about that day , 29/12/04 ..... I asked him about J****** . We mostly talked using intails , JK , J , Him ..... etc ...... James hared us and he asked , why use these types of " name " ? You both have friends in common ? It's a bother to have a Sister like her , right ? Um , James , what you mean ? I don't see what's wrong introudcing myself to Brother's friend ....... Anyway , Brother started to feel bored and he began reading the Bible . Seats were available by that time . I sat with Zhan Wei , Brother with James . James was telling Brother which Bible Books are nice to read , while Zhan Wei was showing me movies from his Handphone . I suddenly remembered about Diana's Christmas card . I opened it and realized that there's a letter inside . I read it ......... Oh my ....... Diana's letter was about my " Black Sheep " post ........ I went to Brother and showed him the letter ........ James was beside and he asked , Letter from you Brother's friend ? " No ....... " I replied . " Then from who ? " He asked . " Diana ............ " I answered . Feeling more and more puzzled . " Diana !? " He exclimed . " Yar ....... " What's so surprise ? " Can I read ? " " ....... " I was speakless . I looked at my Brother for some hint but he never meet my eyes . " Um , if you don't want then nevermind . " Okay , that settles it than ! I'll let him read . And I did .....

Happy Birthday Brother !! You're 17 now , must be more muture , take care of yourself when you go NS ...... Yar ....... what more to say ? Guess nothing .... since we both are so close , if anything else comes into my mind , guess I'll tell you stright away , right face to face . I went for Chinses Dance today again . Hm , I was still alright when I'm on my way home . But once I reached home , I began to feel very very giddy . I thought , I must be too hungry . I ate some cheese cake . But ended up feel like vomiting ...... luck I never . I was the only one at home and I'm feeling so so sick ! Dizzy and vomit ! What's wrong with me ?! I went to bed and Dad and Brother came home soon . I was awaken my Brother , he had answered a call on my Handphone . It was Mum and she wanted all of us to go to Jurong East and eat , to celebrate Brother's birthday . It was like ........ No thanks ! I almost throw up all the stuff in my tummy ! But nevertheless , I did went down with Brother and Dad . We ate and went home . By that time , I was feeling so much better . Thank God !!!!!! For I can't be sick , at least not today ........ not for now ........ Hehe .....

I went to the Jurong East Library for the pass 2 days to rush my holiday assignments ....... As for today , I went back to school for Chinese Dance . The teachers went to some hotel in Singapore for meeting , Miss Ang asked me to look after all the young junors and reminded me to aske our insturstor sign the papers . Ha Ha ! I'm the leader !!! Yeah ! Long live Mu Jie ....... I'm crazy ... but Brother's even craized ! Know where he went while I'm away for practise ? He went to J*******'s house . He's totaly , turly , madly crazy ! Brother , why go to his house when he ...... after he ....... during the start of the year ............. Sigh , I know , I know ........ Cards again right ? But are you sure that you both only talk about cards and never touch on other topics ? Hm , guess I should have known right form the start and not waste people's time right ? See , I'm that dumb and stupid ........ Sigh . So now I guess ........ Hehe ....... Him , one and only ......... Yeah ?!

Hm , one day after Christmas . I went with Brother to Cousin's house . We went there and ate lunch . After a while , we all went back home and never go out anymore , for me ..... But at night , I told Brother that I want to use the computer at 12 am . Instead , he used and chatted with you - know - who till 3 am in the morning ! He's love blind and he's going to be physical blind as well , for he had been using the computer since 7 pm or so ! I was so angry that I cried , and vowed revange . What I did was ..... well , I mendal with his things . I ripped through his dags and found out that he lied ...... not only to me indirectly , but to James ( directly ) as well ...... Well , I did other tings as well .....but in no mood to play any more pranks to my Brother . He had truly disppointed me , he had lied not only to me but to other people as well ...... But why , Brother , why !!!!??? I always thought you were interested ? Or are you just putting on another of your fancy masks like me ?

It's Christmas ! Yeah ! I went to my Mum's friend's house to eat , with Brother and Mum . Diana contected me . She asked me why I'm not coming for today's service . I told her I've went with my Brother the day before already . She said she had a card for me .......... Huh ?! It was just a Christmas card . Nothing much ....... I suppose ? SO , why did she have to message me and just tell me that she had made a card for me ? I asked her if she's free , we both can meet and then she can pass me my card ..... but Diana's not free . So , too bad . I went back home while Brother went out . Than Diana told me that Kai Xin and the rest would be shopping , watching movie , she aske dme if I want to join them . I agreed . I got to spent as much time with them as I can , before they know the secret . So , I went . We met at City Hall , but went to Orchard instead because there's nothing to shop anymore . We went to the Heeren to shop and I managed to find a good Christmas present for Brother - a photo album . It was Winnie The Pooh Photo Album . Very cute , and you can write notes beside the photos also ...... I went home and wrapped it layers after layers ...... Haha . But Brother just used a peknife and tear open the " wrapper " . Not fair , but Merry Christmas to everyone , and Brother too !!!

I woke up feeling so refresh ......... not crying anymore ......... Well , I arn't a crybaby ! Plus , I've already cried the night before , so why still cry ? Crying arn't going to help the hurt inside me ........... would it ? It would give me physical tiridness , but it has nothing to do with mental ! So , in the afternoon , I decided to give James a Christmas Card . A thank you card . But I don't have any more cards left ! I've all written it and sended to my friends ........ I was left with no choice but to write him a letter ........ a love letter ? Haha ........ Just kidding ........ I'm feeling so happy today ! Brother's going with me to receive Christ ! Yeah ! I wrote ..... a little about the secret ......... just a little bit .......... It won't arouse his curiosity , would it ? Well , I sure hope not ......... I know , I'm crazy ! Writting the secret ......... but I'm left with no choice ....... I got to write crap inside the letter , I got to fill up the space , if not it would look ........... ugly ? I was about to stuff the letter inside an envelope when James called my Handphone again . He wanted to make sure that Brother's really going today . I assured him and hang up the phone . Oh Brother , Oh Brother ......... See how " big " you are ! People got to call YOU ! Haiz ... nevermind . As long as you are going with me today , everything would be alright . So , I left with Brother to Kallang . I saw Vivien . And I introduced them both . After that , Brother and I went to the nearby MacDonal's . There was a long queue . I lined up while Brother was loitering nearby ........ Bully right ? But I am willing ......... James came to us ........ turned out that he's inside the restrant afterall ! We ate with him and his friend , and soon we board the shettle bus to indoor stadium . Before the Service start , Brother was given an N127 card for him to write his particulars . Hey ! Hey ! Is there a mistake ....... I'm in N264 ......... not N127 ......... The service started soon . I simply love the dance and drama ! I want to join ......... in my dreams .......... wait long ......... So , the service ended with an alter call . I went out with Brother .......... Why me again ? Where's that James ? He's the one who called Brother to come ........ I went out with Brother , and was mistook as a newcomer ! Argh ..... So , we went out of the indoor stadium . I was leaning against with Brother on the wall when James asked Brother if he had handed in the N127 card . Brother clamed and assured James that he had handed in . I asked Brother ........ when did you hand in ? How come I don't know about it ? Brother never reply me .......... We went to the countdown next . While on our way , a number of my Cell Group members asked me , why never wear glasses ? I wore contect lenses ...... And everyone was asking me to stick to my Brother and ordering Brother to look after me . It was packed .......... But James , Brother and I were shouting at the top of out voice , singing the carols ! There were performances , but I can't see . Brother sugessted me to climb up the nearby dustbin . I did , but others said I was blocking their view , so I came down . As the crowd increased , I was speraded from Brother . But was somewhere near James .......... Soon , my Church dancers went up to stage . Hip Hop dancers ! I want to watch ! So , I went back to the bustbin again and climbed up . I got a clear view of the stage . Warran joined me also . This time round , I don;t care what others say ! I did a " twist " to James and Brother to assure them that I'm alright . Not lost . Soon , it was the countdown . 10 ........ 9 ........ 8 .......... 7 ........... 6 ........ 5 ....... 4 ........ 3 ....... 2 ........ 1 ......... MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!! We were pushed all the way out of the place . The people was so rought ........ Soon , everyone got spared . I ended up with Brother , James' friend and Pierre . We walked all the way to the MRT station . People spread me at the eyes on purpose ! They spread the forms and colour ribbons when I walked by ! On me ONLY ! Brother and I hold hands ........ while I held on to James' friend hand . Pierre was behind us . We walked and walked and walked ............. hm ..... I guess it's 10 times the distance we run the 2.4 km ? We finally reached our destination . We saw James , Alvin ....... etc ........ I was too beat to notice whose's there ! James ......... it was then I realized that I have not give him his card yet . I caught him looking at me . I looked back at him . And did the " Jun Zhan's style . " What's " Jun Zhan's style " I arn't got any idea too ........ But you will if you spent your whole life with Jun Zhan . Brother and I bored the train . When we wanted to change to the " To Boon Lay " train ......... the train had just left ! Brother took me to a taxi . We boared the taxi with only $14.00 in both our wallet ! When we reached our block , Brother called Mum and she came down with the taxi fare , $ 17.50 . James did called Brother when we were in looking for taxi , tell us the great good news .... the last train had left ! And when we were inside the lift , James called Brother again , but Brother handed me the phone ........ " Hi " " Hey , reached home ? " " Yup ..... " " Then why never call me ? " " Um ... reaching ? " Hm ... care and concern from my Cell Group ? Hm .. I don't know that much .............

Hm , nothing happened today . nothing much happened today .......... I went with Brother to Mum's workplace for lunch . They were having Chirstmas Dinner . Brotehr and I were half forced to stay for the Christmas Concert again ...... I went to the Library after that . I forwarded a " Good Night " message to my friends .......... To James also . It was 12 am plus when I sended the message . Guess he was by his Handphone . I was about to send to my other friends when James called my Handphone ! I was shocked ! My Handphone volume was turned to the loudest ! I would me a dead meat when the ringing of my my Handphone wakes up my Mum ! I answered the call at once . " Hi ? " My voice was half way up my thoat only . " Hi ....... Wow . You answered your call very fast " James praised . " Thanks " I forced myself to say . Yar , very fast ..... wait till my Mum wakes up ..... I'll run faster then the speed I answered your call , James ! And get to your point , don't waste my Handphone money ........ Just Kidding ! " So ... hey ! Ask your Brother to join us for tomorrow ! " James asked in a cheerful manner . " Oh . Okay . Sure ........ you wait ! " I answered him cheerfully too ! Wait for me to run away ! I forgot to say that , and that's what I mean . I passed the phone to Brother . So , you called my Handphone just to talk to Brother ! Hey ! Not fair ! The money goes right strights to my bill ! But nevermind ! I am willing , as long as my Brother agrees to go tomorrow ! I shall see how powerful you are ! So ...... both boys talked ......... After a while , Brother handed me my Handphone . " Done ? " I asked Brother . " No . You answer . " Brother said . " Yoz ! " " Hey , why pass your phone to your Brother ! I asked you to ask him right ?! " " Um . why not ? " I answered James in my most innocent voice . Really , I mean it . Why not ? Why must I be the one to ask Brother ? I really don't want it to be like the last time .......... " We'll meet at 3 pm at Kallang tomorrow , okay ? " " 3 pm ? I thought 3.30 pm ? " I asked James . " Oh , okay . 3.30 pm . " " Okay , You'll be going right ......... ? " You don't even know the time to meet ? Are you going or not ? Later Brother goes there and he got no friends and I'll be strucked to him ......... " Yar , yes . I'll be going . " " Oh . okay . " I myself don't sound so sure ......... " So , see you then . I got another line . " " See you . Take care . " I hanged up the phone . YES !! Thank you , James !!!!!!!!! Finally ! Brother's going to my Service ! Thank you , James ........ Sorry , I never told you that during our conversation . Thank you James !!!!!!!! Finally , Brother would be going with me ! Brother . You ....... are hopleless ! You need someone to call my Handphone in the middle of the night to ask you to go for Church ! But who cares , as long as you are going ! Or maybe ........ I'm the one who's hopeless ? Other members managed to bring lots of friends .......... me ? Till now not even more than 5 ! Hm , seems that James' really powerful ! But would Brother really go ? Really really go ???????? This ........ I don't know . At night , when I was lying on my bed , ready to sleep at any time ......... My mind wonders again .......... It went back to 2 nigths ago ..........The night where when Mum called me " Black Sheep " . I don't know why .......... I don't know why I cried .......... I don't know why I cried .......... after the joy in knowing that Brother would me going with my tomorrow . I don't know why I allowed myself to drift back to that night ............. I don't know ......... how deep the hurt is ........ I don't know how much hurt Mum had carved inside my heart by saying that words .......... I rolled on my bed . I touched my handphone . Handphone ........... message . I always used to message Him at night . Especially on nights like that ......... when I'm feeling so down , so lost , so hurted . Why are you !?? I miss you so much ........... my special someone ! I need you !!!!!

Woke up at 7 am . Turned out that Mum had left my Handphone by my bed , by my pillow . So , it means that she allowed me to go to East Cost Park afterall . I ate breadfast with Brother , then went to meet with Hui Min . She came with her maid . So , it saved us the time to travel to her house and back to the bustop . We took the bus to Jurong East NTUC . Wow ! The things Hui Min brought was ..... heavy ! She brought so many things ! Met with Boon Ya and Lydia . So , the 4 of us , went inside the NTUC . We were shopping halfway when Sok Ee came with Mandy . We shopped and brougth a lot of things ..... 4 or 5 bottles of drinks , uncountable numbers of tibits ...... chicken hotdog ..... etc ........ While on our way to East Cost Park , I tried telling Sok Ee about the sercert ..... but she was in her " happy " mood ..... Sigh ........ wrong mood ..... wrong timing . Another time , maybe ? Diana did messaged me while I was on the way .......... I actually forget all about sharing my secret with Sok Ee when I received Diana's message . That's how I told Sok Ee the sad news even thought all of us were so happy ......... We reached there ....... Sok Ee and Mandy went down to the seaside and collected seashells ........ I went with Lydia to buy ice .... I went stright down to the beach with Sok Ee and Mandy after buying the ice . I started splashing them .... Haha . All of us were wet by the time we came back to the pit . Boon Ya and Hui Min were missing . Lydia was there . We decided to start cooking the food with them . Hm . the food was alright . It was nice ! After filling our stomach ........ I played a lot of games ....... I went roller blade with Hui Min and Mandy . Well , I'm a learner ....... Hui Min cycled at my right , Mandy cycled at my left . And I was at the centre .......... Cool right ! We met a 6 year old boy while we were there . He's cute and cool ! I called him didi , Younger Brother in Chinese . Haha . Well , he knew how to blade like an expert and knew how to cycle two - wheels by the age of 6 ! I did cycle a bit also ............ I cycled with Lydia to Park " B " .......... We were in the park " C " when we began cycle . We did rest while cycling . We even went up a tall yellow colour tower ! Oh yes ! We went to some road where it was built for fishers . We went there ..... and the curious me went near to the fishing net . When I looked inside the net .............. GROSH !! There's a bloddy dead fish head inside the net !!!!!!!! Yucks right ! I screamed and shouted ........... like crazy ? I went down to the sea with Sok Ee also ..... Well , Sok Ee never go down , she never bring extra clothes . I did . And I soaked myself inside the sea ! It was so nice ! All wet from head to toe ! The sad thing was that Sok Ee got to go at 2 pm .......... When we went to return the blades and bicycle to the rental shop .......... the person said that we got to pay $ 22 . 00 because we used overtime ! Luckly Hui Min went to the shop and told the person ........ She said that one of the shokeepers allwoed us to extent time ......... that's why we returned so late . The person excuesed us . By that time , the little Brother we met went home with his family members already . Of couse , since he came with his family ! I went to bathe after that , while others stayed at the pit . The amount for bathing was $0.50 , while the amount for using the loo was $0.20 . I gave the person a dollar and he returned me $0.80 ! Hehe ..... I gain ! I bathed ........... soaked myself in water again . It was so refreshing ! I went back to the pit ..... Hui Min and others where cooking food again . They planned to take home the left overfodds . But I managed to eat one chicken wing ! Mandy left us when her Father called Lydia's Handphone . She said that she knew where to find her Father . So she left us . But Mandy's Father called Lydia's Handphone saying that he could not locate his daughter ! We were shocked ! It's already 9 pm plus ! Where would Mandy be ! We went looking for Mandy .......... But on our way , Boon Ya's Sister called her , Boon Ya's Sister was very angry that Boon Ya was not home . It's already 9 pm plus and we need an hour to get back ! Boon Ya was angry when she received her Sister's phone call . She left us without a word . Lydia , Me and Hui Min were concern about her , but we got to find Mandy too . We found Mandy at the carpark ..... Sorry , correction . I was the one who saw Mandy ! Mandy's father came after some time . Her father was very angry . He took a white colour box form his car and said " I'll beat you all ! " I stared at him in the eyes and said , " Mandy was just standing at the carpark ! " That clamed Mandy's father down . He offered to bring us home . We would be glad to , but how about Boon Ya ? We found her inside the MacDonal's crying . We comforted her , and told Mandy's Father to wait for us a whiile . Boon Ya's Sister came in a Taxi . I explaned to her what happened . She was actually very angry ......... but I said something and clamed her down too . After she cooled down , she offered to take us home in the Taxi too . But we turned down the offer . So .. Boon Ya and Mandy's case settled ! Mandy's Father drove Lydia , Hui Min and me home . Wow .. our driver .......... He was speeding ! 90km/hr ! Can you believe it ?! Lydia and I were a bit scared at first , but soon got used to the speed . Well , all of us got home at last ....... I was the very last girl to get down from the car ...... I reacher home at about 11 pm .......... Lucky Mum did not scold me ! Well , I did called her and explaned to her ......... that's the right thing to do ! But guess what ! Brother reached home later then me ! Hm .. where did he went ???????? Well , are you thinking what I'm thinking ........... Haha . I went to sleep quite early . But I'm glad that I no longer need to bathe anymore since I had already bathed at East Cost Park ! I'm a genius ! My Mum's a gem !

It's the worst day in my life ! I went to Mum's workplace . There's a Jumble Sale and Mum brought me a slim bag . After that , we went to Tampines . Brother was supposed to meet us , so , mainwhile Mum and I went to shop . We went to This Fashion and Mum brought for me some exercise clothes . When I asked Mum for permission to buy a " go out " skirt , she said something . And that something became my deadly secret ...... No way ! Nobody can know about it ! At least .......... not yet ? Turned out that Brother could not make it . So , Mum and I went to the nearby Library and went looking at photos of " One room flat " . It was all about old people . After that , we went to shop a little and ate dinner . Then , we went back home ....... Even thought I was physicaly with Mum , I hate her to the core because of the secret ......... At home , Mum saw that the house was not tidied . Like it's my job ! Like tidying the house would give me oxygen , food and water to live ! And why must it be me ? How about her precious , genious son ? Wonder whose the one who washed the dishes for breakfast , and whose the one who sat at the big black computer chair all the way ?!!?!?!?!?!? I hate you Mum ! You are so very very unfair ! But , readers , that's not the end yet ..... read on ....... read on ...... PLEASE !!!!!!!!! So , Mum took a wooden ruler and beat me while I was inside her room . After a while , I came out of her room , teary face ...... Mum , don't you know that no one of a lower station is never permitted to touuch the body of a Princess , not in affection or reprimand ! While I was on my way to the computer chair ( I switched on the computer once I steep inside the house ) , Mum shouted something very terrible at my face . AND IT'S THE MOST SUPREME INSULT A PRINCESS COULD EVER RECEIVE !!!!!! Maybe ... I should asserted my authority abit ???? Well , I do have power and it is the best kind - it's hidden !!!!! You see , she shouted at me that I'm the black sheep in the family . She told me that straight at my face . I stared at her in the eyes and I saw no regret in her eyes ....... No regret , no remorse , no sorry , contrie about ....... Well , this " black sheep " thing ...... I often heard her talking to my both my Cousins , Cousin Foo and Cousin Ying ..... she would always say , there's always a black sheep in the family ........ You get what I mean ?! No ? Then I'll tell you . I'm not wanted in this house ! I'm an outcast . I'm ugly , I'm short ! I'm troublsome ! I'm stupid ! I have looks of absolute harted !!!! Brother's so much clever then me ! Brother's the one who would be going to overseas to study , I'll stay struck in Singapose ! He's future is bright , so bright that it would blind your eyes if you look into his future ! Mine's dark and black . All darkness ! There's not even a ray of light in my future ! And do you knows who said that it would be a mircale if I got into a COMBINE Science Class ? She's not even encouraging me to work hard and get into PURE Science Class when I was in Secondary Two ! And when I really get into Pure Science Class , Mum never praise me or anything !!!!! Me feeling envious because Brother's dreams are always happening ? And his dreams won a hight approvsl rating from all who heard them ? The respect for his own thoughts and plans that Brother received for his . My parents treated me like a baby , and I hated it ! My pressence is not required in the family !!!!! Yar .. future ........ next year ..... HOW ?!!!!!???! I don't want , but how to let Mum see ...... I want to be with them like this year ..... but it's mission impossible ! I've took money from Mum without permission ! I'm rude ! And ... I'm the only Christan in the family ! Mum said that I could not go for the BBQ tomorrow ! She said that I cleared my room all because I wanted to get into her good looks , crave her approval ! She had hit a sore spot and I resent it by shouting back at her saying I have my own rights , which every human being on earth had been given once they came into the world ! By the time I said finish it , I was sitted on my computer chair . Mum came over and pinched my face , cheeks ........ I grabbed her hand and twisted it . Mum dared me to injure her ...... We both begin to learn how to speak the language of silence , the wordless speech of gestrue . Eyes as important as tongues . Throught the eyes , that communication transpire ........... My thrist for rengeance was unquenchable . And when I strikes , I strikes quickly like lightening ....... I thought , yes ! I'll hurt you , as much as you've hurted me just now ! I thought of pushing her backwards , not to worry , there's a sofa behind her , she won't die so easily .... worst come to worst , wheelchair bound ! And what to do after that ? RUN AWAY FROM HOME ! YES !!!!! Not that I never thought of it before ...... I've even thought of worster things ! Like ........ killing of Mum , that was last year . I almost suceed ..... or rather , I'll done it if not my guilty comscience got the better of me ! Or ...... jump out of the window or sucide ? Well , who would care if I'm dead ? Who ? I can't find anyone who would cry for me ....... so , what's the use of me living here ? Whith all the tortures ???? Family memberes ? Loves ones ???? Haha !!!! They can't be glader ! Without me , the troublemaker , WOW ! Everything in the house would be at peace !!!! But of couse ....... I don't want the unthinkable ...... But of couse .... that was all inside my mind ...... nothing else , no action ...... So , well .... that's all ...... somehow , it ended ........ but that's not the end of my tears ..... That good - for - nothing Brother of mine came home ...... and of couse , I was forced to let him use the computer to flirt , instead of me using it for my Physics Project ....... So , I went to the Masterbed Room to bathe ...... When I was all alone ...... all the hurt and emotions came out from me in the from of tears ....... I cried all the way ..... undress , bath , dress again ...... I stood at the sink of the bathroom ..... I really need someone to talk to ! Someone ....... then I thought of my Cell Group ...... Diana ????? What a joke ...... what if I can't control my mouth ..... can't control my yearning of letting them know the secret and let the cat out of the bag by the end of our phone convasation and have more troubles for me ????? I cried and cried and cried ..... I felt so lost ...... so very lost ....... I simply cannot decrible the awful feeling with with the fight had left me . Nothing can replace or compensate for that kind of hurt I've received ...... so , why call people up and bother them ????? Mum's depriving me of substance , depriving me of breath . if it had tore a hole in my heart , it would surly never mend ...... I went out of the Masterbed Room .... looking as if nothing had happened inside while I was bathing ........ Haiz ...... I stayed up awhile , after Mum and Dad went to bed ....... Then .. before I went to sleep ..... I asked Brother what time he needed to wake up , he said 7.30am .... But I got to be on the road by 7.30am ! I thought ..... Nevermind , at least there's someone to wake me up ! So , I told Brother ..... wake me up when you're awake ..... he said okay . The I added ....... my feets must be on the floor !!! I scared that I would dozed off to sleep again while lying on my bed . That ...... he shouted at me !!!! And I turned my back to him ... He began shouting my name . But I don't care him ! I turned my back on him .... walking out of his life , hopefully ! I cried on my bed , I cried !!!!! My eyes wide and wet with grief that went well beyond destruction , drenching me in memories of the pass few hours . I have it all , but I am mixed up , unhappy , feeling no one understands me , no one wants to understand me ! Joy , sadness , fear , condussion all crowded around in the air ...... Why ? So many things happened ...... I want my special someone , who could wraps me in glittering embrance of true understanding , of love , of acceptance . He'd seen things in me that I hadn't expected anyone to see , conduded my feelings when even I can't figure out ...... But how to tell him my another most devastating part of my secret I just had today ? Or could he possibly deduced it ?

I shall keep this post as short as I can because I don't have any mood now ......... You see ..... At night , Mum scolded me again . There's a BBQ this coming Wednesday . But there's no boys , no teacher ..... only 8 girls . Mum was angry . She said I can't go since there's no boys around !!! Huh ? I thought she would be happier if there's no guys around ? What is this ....... Somehow , when I shouted at Mum , I cried again . But luckly , Brother came to my resucse , few minutes later , but nevertheless , I am glad for his help ! When Mum went to bed , I tried to tell Brother that there's not a single boy in my Chinses Dance ! But he ignored me ! Now , that's the last straw for me !!!! I went to bed and cried ...... For what ? I got no idea ...... Mum's ignorant or Brother's ignorance ?

I went to Church wearing the skirt I brought yesterdasy with a white colour shirt . A lot of my Sisters told me I looked nice in that skirt ! It was a Weekend Service with Sy Rogers . I always thought that my life was a total trash . Filled with lies , tears and sin . But it seems that Sy Roger's life was worst then mine ! WIth so many hurts he'd gone throught , God still care for Sy and God helped Sy to rebuild his life . Sy sined worst then me , hurted more then me , but yet , look at him now ! Shining the Glory of our Father ! Oh ..... Brother was free , yet he don't want to come with me to Chruch ..... what a waste , rotting at home ! There was an alter call . It seemed that James brougth a friend , and so , James went out with his friend . I was sitting in the same row with James and his friend , and when James passed by me , he lost his balance or something , and somehow , he grabed my arm . How that I care for any physical contrect or what so ever ...... but then ....... That touch sended lighting to my whole body , it went into my brain and shouted at me - Mu Jie ! What have you done so far ? Where's your Brother , who should be responding to the alter call NOW !!!! I don't feel that right ........ that comfortable ...... There's only one more chance for me to bring my Brother to Church ........... Christmas Spectacultar ! And it might be the very ........... Haiz . Nevermind . But come to think of it , I need James' help too ........ I don't want it to be like last time when I asked Brother to come with me to Journey to the South .

Early in the morning , I went with Mum to some rehab centre where the ex drugs users sold things and foods . Mum was in a rush , she got to work . So , we used up all the coupons and took a van home . I ate and went to Ang Mo Kio to meet Diana and her cousin . We took a bus and went to Li Hui's house for Cell Group . I am late , as usual . And the worst thing was - I never bring my Bible ! It did pass by my mind to stuff the big blue Bible of mine inside my bag . But somehow , it was not inside ! I called Diana and told her . She offered to bring another Bible for me . Hehe ..... good ! So , I went with Diana and her cousin to Li Hui's house . Diana did brought a Bible for me , but it was New International Vesion ! So , during Cell Group , even thougth I was physicaly present , I wasn't mentally there . I was lost ! Kai Xin , Cell Group Leader , asked us to flip through a lot of different books , and they were mostly in the Old Testament ! I was so very lost ! Towards my left - Felica ( Vivien's Cousin ) , Diana's Cousin , Diana herself , then James ..... etc ....... etc ...... We were sitting in a big circle . Diana saw how lost I am , she helped me flip the Bible , so she had no time to flip hers . James was sitting beside her , and so he helped her . Um ..... James' an expert ! No only managed to find the right page in his own Bible , he was able to help Diana ! Pro , expert ! But Diana lend me New International Version and my whole Church uses New King James Version ! Can you believe it ? Ended up James lend me his Bible while he used Diana's extra Bible . When the Cell Group ended , I almost forgot to return James the Bible !!!!! It was so so so embressing throughout the Cell Group ! But the message was very good . Ask friends to come for this coming Christmas Concert ! I went with Hui Er and Diana to Plaza Singapura . And I brought a skirt from Carrefour . When I got home and tried on that new skirt , it was very short !!!!! But Mum still allow me to wear the skirt go out , so ..... Yeah ! I shall wear it tomorrow !

It's Mum's birthday today ! Happy Birthday Mum ! I went to Cafe Galilee in Jurong Regional Library and ate a Chicken Pie and a cup of hot Chocolate . It was nice . After eatting , I went to Tampines MRT Station and met up with Mum and Godfather Mum and Godfather ate while I went nearby to shop . I was called back by Mum to eat some Carrot Cake . Mum and I went to the nearby Hang Ten to shop . Mum kept on asking me to try on clothes , she went inside the changing rooms a number of times too . Mum ended up buying a pink tank top for me which costed $13.30 , a jogging set , $20.30 for me . She brought herself a pants which was $25.20 . Hm , even thought I love the new clothes I have , but changing clothes again and again was a bit troublesom ! Hm .... the sales people were very helpful ! I can't believe ! Mum kept on asking for another pants as the pants don't fit her . The sales people never pull a long face ! If I were the sales people , I'll show her attitude ! But we were served by different people , so I guess it arn't that bad . Godfather left us as we spent a lot of time inside the Hang Tan . Mum and I went to Bossini next . And we brought a matching pair of white tee and shorts . We went back to Jurong and ate dinner .

I went for the Chinses Dance Speech Day practice . It was alright , I suppose , but the attendence was still very low . I should leave at 12.30 pm , but I left at 11 am . I went home , watched television for a while , bathed and went out with Brother . I was heading to my Mum's workplace while Brother was heading to the lakeside MRT Station . On our way there ..... we were very quiet . We never spoke to each other , never even hold hands like we would . I've anger Brother again ........ well , I'm sorry .... I reached my Mum's workplace . It was just the same ......... nothing changed much after 3 , 4 years . It turned out that I was early , I should reach at 2 pm , but I reached at 1.30 pm . Nevermind . I gain . It turned out that they were having a Chirstmas Concert . And I saw Him !!!!! Oh yes I did saw Him !!!! The familar sight of Him made my heart pound .... But he was in the backstage . I tried to ask permission from Mum to go backstage , but Mum don't allow !!!!! Argh ! I was so bored at the audience , I tried to make excuses , but Mum would hear none of it !!!! So , I ended up messaging to Him ..... and I left soon after sending the message . We board the train , reached the place , met up with Aunty Sally , and the three of us went to the Skin Care Centre . It was raining and Mum was blaming me for not brining an umbrella !!!!! Haiz ! It was soon my turn . I went in with Mum while Aunty Sally waited outside the room . The Doctor said that mine was not that bad . I should not apply anything onto the skin , other then the loation which he would be giving me . I should eat less satly foods and turn in early . That's all . I was given two different pills and a white lotion . We went to the Han's always appetizing to eat . I ate a Chicken Burger . It was very nice ! Chrispy and hot ! Aunty Sally brought for me a glass of Orange juice too ...... Yummy ! I went with Mum to Tiong Bahru Plaza to shop a little . We broght nothing though ...... Brother messaged me to order cake on the way back . But Mum don't want ...... We went back to Lakeside and walked all the way to a Coffee Shop to have dinner . Went back home and start applying the lotion . Once I steeped inside the house , I straight away told Brother that He was there at my Mum's workplace !!!

Diana called me when I was using the Computer . She told me that there's a Cell Group Outing , and asked if I am able to make it . I told her , can . She called back again asn asked if Mum would allow me to go for Cell Group if I go for the Outing . I told her not sure , yet she wants to make an appointment with me . Meet me at Ang Mo Kio this Saturday for Cell Group . I tried to advoid the question , just like the usual .... normal . But somehow , the outing was cancled . So , too bad . But then ...... Diana's care and concern was not deleted from my heart . I lied on my bed . Insomnia proved the emeny of the night . It robbed me of my sleep and ripped my brain into fragmented dreams of nightmare ! I thought ...... about all and what took place this year , what problems I've faced and made me into a stronger person . I'm going to visit a skin care centre tomorrow . As I think about it , I don't feel anything . I have already accepted the way my skin looks . Expect , unless , when I flipped through magazine , the longing came to me again , tugging at me from the very bottom of my heart . " Arn't that what you want to be , like the model in the magazine , posting for some whitening lotion or what so ever ? " Yes , that's my dream ..... dream that turned into a real dream that's can't be found in reality ? " Maybe I should dream of some other better dream which won't turn into a nightmare . I thought about tomorrow . I would be going to Mum's workplace to meet her , after that we would take the train . As I think about it , part of me thought ....... maybe I would bump into Him ? Heard from Mum that he went to her workplace a few times . Maybe he would be there ? Oh ....... well , no point declining , of couse I would like to see him !!! But ... would I really see Him tomorrow ? Haiz .... I don't know ..... but I really really wish that I can have a look at Him ......... I thought about Maths . How Mr Goh had tried in vain to teach me that subject . All the fear , humilation , anger and disppointment of dropping A Math . I remembered clearly , as if it had happened the day before only . I looked for him , asking him about sums . But I'm just so stupid ! I can't understand . I recalled , that time in the folyer , when I really did broke down right in front of him ! Oh ......... how it had been in the begining of the year . How I had looked for the special someone when I failed my very first Math Common Test .... all the times we spent together . Messageing each other eveyr night . Even though I'm the one who always messaged " Hi , what are you doing ? " He would reply without fail . Then , I would lie on the bed , lights off , door closed . Chatting with him ........... Come to think of it ...... I remembered that time when I told him about my deepest darkest past . How he had tried to comfort me by telling me his own experience . How we had chatted on the phone for 2 whole hours ! The longest telephone call I've ever taken part in ! Then ..... came the turning point ! One night , when everybody was asleep . I was the only one awake . Sat on the computer chair , right in front of the computer , having my very first MSN chat with him . He had chatted with Brother , minutes before I managed to sign in . I talked to him about his chat with Brother . The he asked me a very simple question and wanted me to answered . I did , and it was then the truth ran through me like lighting ! I lost somebody whom I can esaily share my problems with . Maybe I shoud say things like " For me to know and for you to find out " ? Or maybe , like Brother " Maybe , depands ..... etc ..... " ?? I should ! Oh , why am I so stupid ! Lovers , friends , siblings , whatever we were supposed to be had blended into a misture , like paintings in sand . Our relationship was a design of delicare colours , intricate and dry and easily disturbed . Haiz ...... but , maybe it's a blesisng in disguise ? I can't always relied on him to share my problems with . I got to open up more ! But , just simply open up to people who called you their " friends " and only befriend you so that they can make a fool out you , yourself ? Plus , I have my Brother , and my Brothers and Sisters in my Cell Group to turn to when I need help ! I'm sure they'll be willing to lend me a hand ! Hm , thinking about that ....... Diana , Li Hui and Kai Xin , not forgetting Vivien . No doubt , both Kai Xin and Vivien had tried to be there when I'm in trouble . But instead , the real trouble at that time was them ! How they tried and forced ......... and how they ended up making me cry in the end ...... Haiz , forget all about it ! It's all in the past . I don't want to cry anymore . Li Hui . How I had told her bit by bit about my End of year Exam . About that CURSED A Math paper which I sat for . How she had tried to encourage me ..... Diana ! Oh ........ what to say ? She really cared for me . Called me up , checking that I was alright , haven't be dead after " caned " by Mum ....... Called me , making sure that I was still alive when I did not turn up for Service ....... She tried to asked me how long have I been reading Vampiers Novels , the dark ..... I advoid that question as I usual would . She asked me about my spiritual life , touched on the topic " love " ... etc ...... etc ...... Haiz ..... I don't really know what am I thinking , kept on talking to her about the Dark .... I must be crazy ! I knew deep in my heart that , of couse , they'll ask ! But then , it's only novels . Not so much of harm , are they ? ~ Hopefully so ~ Love ...... Oh God ! It did pierced through my heart like arrows ! Oh yes . Service ! Haiz ...... how many lies have had been spoken from my very cursed mouth , and how many MORE ? It aren't really my fault , really ..... I suppose ? Just that Mum don't fully understand me , even thought she really care for me ????? Hm , well , I am not the one who said about the " caring " part , that's what Vivien , Kai Xin ....... and Mr Goh said . But then , as much as I wish to differ , it's as real as the truth ! So many things ..... so complicated ! Difficult to analyze or understand . Love alone is more then enough ! So many souls had been borthered all because they can't comprehend the topic .... Love . Forget all about what you had read . It's just some stupid girl thinkings about nonsense . Well , don't bother her .... it's just some stupid thoughts !

I hate it ! I hate it ! I hate it ! Mum really don't allow me to go out ! What is this ! Argh ! Brother can go out , yet I can't ! He went out more then me ! Plus I am going for Service , which she made me go in the past . Yi Sin called me and I told her that I was having a headache , not going to Church . She sasked me if I am having a fever . I told her no . I'm don't even have a real headache , how to have fever ? She told me to message her if I feel better and thus go to Church . I messaged Kai Xin and told her the same thing , I am having a headache . Kai Xin asked the same thing , fever ? I replied her no . She replied back saying " Oh , okay " That's all ! I was still scared that she would call me and heard my fake voice ! But then ............ Diana called me ! She asked me if I would be going for Sevice . I told her no , I've having headache . Haiz .......... Diana ....... she called me when Mum demanded my present at home , making sure that I'm alright . She asked me about my spiritual life , touched on the topic " love " , asked me how long am I reading novels about the Dark . She stood with me by the sea , not complaining . She called me now and then to chat with me ........... And yet .......... I just told her that I'm dizzy ...... Haiz ......... I'm sorry ! I really wish to go for Service , but I just can't tell the truth . What if it's just like the last time ??? No way the history is going to repeat itself ! I'm sorry , Diana !

I went for the Outing . I walked my way to the Lakeside MRT Station ! My tummy was very pain , maybe I ate too much the day before . And my head hurts a little , I won't me surprise if I really faint on my way to Bedok ! I reached there , I saw no familar face . I conected Diana , she would be late and would be going there herself . I contected Kai Xin , she's going there herself too , but she asked me to wait for Alvin . I sottd there waiting , when 1 lady came up to me and asked if I'm from a Cell Group ...... turned out that she's 1 of ur friends that James had brought ! Argh . I had been in the Cell group for so long and yet I can't recongise our friends .... shame on me ! So , I went to the East Cost Park with others . We played some games . It rained and we went for shelter . We ate lunch . It was Noodles . I ate only a few mouthful . Iwas not feeling that well again . I felt dizzy and could vomit anytime , I suppose ? And plus I don't eat crab meats ! I tried to give to Li Hui , she took some and asked me to give the others to Alvin , which I did . I asked Kai Xin already . If I go for tonight Service in Church , then I don't need to go for make up Cell ! Of couse I'll go for Service ! It's so much nearer to my House ! I went out to the sea with Diana . I stood on the land . But the waves were able to touch my feet . The feeling was very pleasant ! Diana stood offshore . She waited patiently for me . The others are beginning to play another game already . My God ! Deams do come true when you do dream hard ! It's always my dream to stand by the sea ...... sometimes , shouting out at the sea , or else , walk together hand in hand with my love , at night . It was still daytime , but there's a big bunch of black clouds drifting on the sky . I stood there enjoying ...... until Diana told me it's time to go back . I did and we play water bomb ! The person was to give a category . For example , " East Cost Park " , then we can say things like " Beach " " People " ... etc ... but the person would have 1 tjing in mind , like " Sand " . If domeone really said the word " Sand " then he or she would ....... GET WET ! Alivn and Bob are talking nonsense , ants , birds , toilet , tiilet paper , mirror ..... etc .... It was so funny , so fun ! Diana got splashed with the water bomb , so she became to person to splash back another person . Her category was " Boat " . I said " Sailor " for the first time , and for the second time , I said " deck " and guess what ? That's what Diana though ! And I got splashed by her ! We playied for some time until all the water bomb were used up . The we get mineral water . We slpashed everyone . Everybody was soaking wet to the skin ! Include me ... all thanks to Pierre ! Argh ! I went to Qiu Ping's house and bathe , I was the first person to bath . But we were going for Service , and my clothers are not appropriate so Qiu Ping lend me her clothes . Turned out that she has a lot of NEW clothes , which she never wore before ! And she not even lend me , she lend to other 2 people who went to her house to bathe also ! All her clothes are very nice and she even gave me 1 pink blouse which is too small for her ! We went to the hawker centre and brought some food as take away . We ate on the Church Bus . We reached the Church and went for Service . The Service was great ! I went home ..... late . Mum was not happy . She nagged at me and ended up crying . Mum said that I went out with my Church Friends a lot for this week , she don't allow me to go Church tomorrow ! I hate you ! Why are you always like that ? So unfair ! Then how about Brother ? Oh , he can use the Computer till late at night , chatting , while I can't ! Nevermind . I accept my faith ! But Brother also went out almose everyday , yet I can't ! And today was the only day of the week I want out with my Church Friends ! What is this ? Who do you think you are ? Abusing your authority as and when you like ! Hey ! I've got my own life to lead okay ! What the ....... who do you think you are ? All CCA will stop in Setember for all O level students . You think my School won't give O level students time to study ? Still want me to quiet in April ! Crazy ! Plus I am the Chinses Dance Leader ! So what if I'm in a neighbourhood School ? Oh , okay .. Brother from top 10 School ... he's clever , genius ! And I'm not ! So ? Whoese fault ? It's all your's ! You are the one who gave birth to me with a stupid brain . You think I can change my brain as and when I like ? Then Heaven would become Hell and Hell would turn into Heaven ! Angels would turn into Devils and work in Hell and Devils would become as good as Angels and live in Heaven ! Would it make you happy to know that I've cut my wrist before because of Education ? Would it make your heart at ease to know that your daughter was so studious and mature that she torture herself my her own ? I hate you ! People knew all about my lies , and they hate me for lying . And why do I lie ? All because of you ! You and your stupid authority ! So , what story am I to say for my absent for tomorrow ? " My Mum went out of the mind and got to warded into the mental hospital , and so i can't come for today Service ? " Hm , that does not sound so bad after all .......

It's such a boring day today ! Brother went out to meet his girlfriend with a lightbulb . I was all alone at home with nothing to do . I made a packet of instant noodles with some hotdogs and hashbrown . I was in no mood to eat anything or do anything . I'm too tired . I'm in pain , both physical and mental . So I ended up throwing up the food . Hm , whatever ! I was online the most of the afternoon . I went into my own Blog and read my entry . I can't believe what I wrote ! I don't except it ! I must be really angry with Diana at that time ..... so , in order to vent my angre , in order to let all the emptiness inside me , I typed my post until ..... like Hell ! So , I would never stop talking about Him . I really miss him ! He's part of my life , how can I don't blog about Him ? When Mum came home from her work , she sat on the computer chair . It was then I realizeds that I left my posts page as the main window ! Lucky for me , it was just the beginning of my post , noting much . Introduction only ...... but nevertheless , staring or ending , I hate you Mum ! I hate it the way you read my Blog when I was away for a minute only ! I hate you ! What rights do you have ? So what if you were the one who gave me life 15 years ago ? You think I care or mind ? Yar , you gave me life , so that you are able to torture me , abuse me . Not caring how I feel whenever you order me around ! Playing me in your hand . Haiz ....... went out with her to Orchard to eat dinner . I wore a black spaghetti strip shirt with a blue jeans and black boots . Met my Cousins , Cousin Foo and Cousin Ying . We ate . Hm , it was a buffet . Mum kept on asking me to take more food . More and more ! And both my Cousins complained to Mother that she ill treat me . Ha , serve that woman right ! I just sat down , bealy ate finish a hotdog when she ask me to go and refill the the foods again ! And while I was enjoying my foods , all the women talked about sex and menstruation !!!!! Hello ! Can't I have some peace here ! I'm trying to eat and yet you all are talking about such a thing ! Cousins even tried educating me about premarital sex . Hello Cousins , how much do you know about me ? Only He knows ....... and I really miss Him ! I want to talk to Him ! A lot of people contected me . Diana told me yesterday via SMS that there would be an outing for the Cell group tomorrow . I asked her about the deatils . So , we are meeting 10 am at Bedok MRT . Kai Xin contected me too . She said that if I am going for the outing at East Cost Park , then I would need to go for make up Cell at Yushun . I told her that it's very far away , and knows what she said ? If like that I would perfre you not to come for the Outing ! Hey ! East Cost Park is in the afternoon , while the make up Cell is in the evening ! Why can't anybody understand me ????? But the strange thing was that , I nver feel like crying . Maybe I have had enough experiences of these types of thing , my heart have harden and became black ? The Bookshop aaunty called me and told me that my Book are are ready for collection . I have brought my Textbooks already , but there's 1 english Textbook which was out of stock when I tried to buy it . Which reminds me .......... MY HOLIDAY ASSIGNMENTS ARE NOT COMPLETED YET !!!!!!!!! Hm , so , we took the SBS Bus 502 back home . On our way back home , I told Mum that Brother would like to have a MP3 or an iPod for Christmas . She agreed at once ! I'm so glad . Well , of couse , Brother would need to share with me his treasure ! And if he don't .......... The outcome would be unthinkable ! By the time I reacher home , I was very tired . My hips still hurted from runnig yesterday , and today , Mum treat me as a waitress ! I loated you ! I miss you ....... I waited till Brother finish playing the Computer then I went to bed . I was reading my novel during the whole duration . Part of me staying up late together with Brother was hopeing that He would sign in MSN ..... I lie on the bed , not knowing hwere I would be tomorrow . East Cost Park and make up Cell or Home with tons of Homework ? I don't know ..... I don't mind going for the Outing , but Make up Cell at such a far place ? Mum surly won't let !

Went to School for some boring , stupid , useless Chinses Dance practice for Speech Day . There's only Hui Min , Boon Ya , Lydia and I . What is this ! Plus , that Lydia was trying very hard to teach others the steeps , yet she herself also was not familar with it ! What is this ! Waste my time ! And what could be worst when she asked her Mum to talk to me about the up - coming Barbuque Outing ! She herself claimed that she would be in charge of booking the pit , yet she ended up asking her Mother to do it . Fine with me , anything . But then , the worst thing was , her Mother blamed me for asking Lydia to do everything ! Please , if you are really that scared of calling up the office and ask questions , then let me do it , baby ! It's so very unfair being blamed like that ! Lydia said she would go to some near by place and book the pit . Little did I know that she was actually asking her Mom to do all the calling ! Lydia asked her Mum to call the East Cost Park , Sentosa ... etc .... etc . Why did I say all these ? Her Mum called me up this morning , before the Chinese Dance Practice and complained that I ask Lydia to do everything , while I just sat there shake leg ! I was even FORCED to go to East Cost Park with her preciese daughter to book to pit ! What the .... ! Brother had managed to get tickets for the musical , I got to be back by 3 pm . I even thought of washing my hair with shampoo ! As you know , girls always takes a very long time to wash their hair ! Argh ! And now Lydia's trying to do some stupid dance which is only capable of wasting my time only ! Whatever ! She's not happy by the end of the practice because we still do not know how to dance yet and we just fooled around . Serve her right ! Let her have a taste of her own bitter medicine ! Telling her Mum all the bad things about me ! We went to Jurong East Interchange . Lydia wanted to eat , she's hungry ! SHe wanted me to eat with her ! It's already 1 plus and I got to be back in Jurong by 3 pm . Eat what ! And I was at the KFC counter queeing up while she sat at the table shaking her legs ! Would missing 1 meal cost your life ! Please ! Ate till 1.30 pm and board the train to Eunos . She wanted to use the restroom !!!!!! Hello ! I'm rushing ! We took SBS bus 13 to Marian Parade place and got down . She does not know the way and we took quite some time finding the undergound ....... We finilly reach the place and she was on the phone when I was taking to the person in charge . What is this ! Talking on the phone ! I might as well come here on other day when I am free ! We took the bus 13 back . But we missed out stop and only got down at the Boon Keng MRT Station . Waste my time ! And she never even realized that we missed out stop ! So , took the train back to Jurong , and took bus 334 back to my home . I reached home and got a slap from my Mother again . It wasn't until 5 pm when I reach home ! Yar right !! All thanks to the LITTLE BABY ! Can't do things by herself and got to ask her Mum . Can't even know that we missed our stop ! I bathe , wore a blue spaghetti strip with dangling blue beads at the bottom of the shirt , and wore a jeans . Finished up by wearing a black boots . I rushed all the way down to City Hall ..... City Hall ..... what a joke ! I sat there for half an hour with Him before , waiting for my Brother at that time ...... Met Brother and we ran all the way to the Concert Hall after Brother change his shirt . Hello Brother , I'm wearing boots ! I was out of breath by that time and guess what . The show would not start till an hour later ! Well , it actually started at 6 pm , but there were some problem , so we got to wait till 7 pm in order to go in . Brother never introudce me to his friends , so bad ! And neither did his friends do bother to tell me their names ! So , guessed that I was very very quiet during the night . Hm , it was unlike the time when Brother met James . James introduced himself to Brother and they both shaked hands . James even call my Brother Jerermy . Well at that time , I joked with James that I would be meeting my boyfriend and go home with him . Haha . Okay ...... I sat together with Brother's friend and watched the musical , Peter Pan . It was nice . There were singing of " Colours of the winds " , " Little Mermaid " , " I did it again " . The singers and actors were beautifully dressed . But if I were to act , I would surely be the main actress !!!! Went home together with Brother . I was very tired , with a headache , probably because I ran too much today . My hips are huting too . Argh ! Legs treatening to give way .

Brother went for the Prom night as a Photographer . I baked Pizza for lunch . Well ..... the top was cooked during the first time . But it's bottom was not ! So , I tried flipping it around and bake it again . This time , the bottom was not only cooked , it was overcooked ! Brother began dressing up . The first pant he wore , it looks too wired . He wore another pants . It's much better . But I noticed later that there's dirt at the back of the pants . He took out 3 other pants for me to chose . All the colous looks wired . So , Brother ended up wearing the first pant . Okay . Cloths settle . Now , for the make up . Brother powdered himself . He added too much powder onto his face . So , I helped him to spread . Then , the colour of his face and his neck was different . Haiz . Helped him put powder on his neck . Finally get his face and clothes in order . He then wonder what to use as a bag . He ended up using a slim bag . At last ! He went out . I called my Mum and asked her for permission to go to the Jurong East Library . Mum allowed . So I went to bath . Was busy helping Brother to dress ...... I went into the Master Bedroom to bath . I then heard someone opening the front doors of my house . I went out of the Master Bedroom to realized it was Brother ! He had forgotten to bring some stuff ! I asked . What happened if it's YOUR Prom Night ? He replied me , I'll be much more handsome ! Haiz , Brother . Sure you will ! And you will have a partner too ! So , I went to the Jurong East Library . Can't stop myself . Borrowed a lot of books ! I went to the Popular and brought a big stack of foolscape paper . So , I was loaded with 8 books in total and a heavy foolscape paper ! A lot of people contect me while I was out . Mdm Peng with quetions about this coming Monday Camp . Hui Min . Kai Xin wondering if I would be around for the Holiday Jest . I went home , dumped my things inside my room and began signing online . I used the computer for a while until Mum asked me to go for dinner . I was about to lift myslfe up for the Computer chair when someone called my Handphone . It was James . Wondering if Brother would be around tomorrow for Holiday Jest . Well , Brother would be able to go if he failed to have tickets for a muscial . Muscial ! Stage ! That's my dream ! I want to go too . I asked Brother to get one ticket for me also . If Brother managed to get the tickets , I'll miss this Holiday Jest . I told James all that and he was shocked or something . He tried to leture me , give me a piece of his mind , when he stopped himself at the nick of time . He said " Of couse , I'm in no position to say . But does Kai Xin knows ? " " Um ...... She don't know ......... " That's one of the few truth I've told the Cell Group ....... Okay . I ended the chat by telling him Brother was in the Prom Night . He's busy and he'll cancle his phone call . Lucky he never question me futher or say anything more ! If not I'll be angry with him too ! Another call on my Home Phone later . The called was looking for Mum ....... I was the one who picked up the Phone , so I just pass the cordless Phone to Mum . I then realized that the caller was Kai Xin ! I knew it because Mum asked me , what muscial ? Where ? When ? With who ? Haiz , James must have called Kai Xin and told her about my absent ....... Only he knew about it , so far . Since he's trying hard to invite my Brother to our Church , I had to tell him , all because of Brother ......... Haiz . I never thought so much before Kai Xin's call . But after they ended the conversation , I then felt something ....... Is the History going to repeat itself ? Like .... the series of " Parent Persection " ? Haiz . I received a call from Li Hui too . Guess it was before Kai Xin's call . Turned out that Li Hui knew about the muscial also ! Can you imagine it ? We were chatting online the day before . With Li Hui encouraging me to invite friends ! Turned out that I might not be able to make it in the end ? Diana called me the last and huted me the most . I took the chance and asked her if there's a Cell Group Outing or what so ever . Diana said there's none ! Teleology nowadays ! Who spread the wildfire then , if they are not together ? James -> Kai Xin ( because she's my Cell Group Leader ) -> Li Hui ( because she's my buddy ? ) Or ....... James -> Li Hui ( because she's my buddy and she called first ? ) -> Kai Xin ( because she's my Cell Group Leader ) Who ???? Kai Xin first or Li Hui first ? Haiz . Who cares ?????? So what if I know ! Everybody knew about it already ! I trusted her . I told her what happened . About the musical ONLY . Not about my feelings ....... of couse . There's all those questionings , torture of lectures . Can't they see that I'm in a dilemma ? Can't they understand me ?????? Much as I wish to attend the Holiday Jest , I aslo like to attend the musical too ! Plus I still not sure if I have ticket yet . Why are they ........... Haiz . Brother . Now then I knew , feel , been through , realized how you must have felt ......... But what is it about ? Over my dead body , readers ! Brother ! Diana asked me something during our conversation . It seems hard for her to question me about matters of the heart . But she did . And I can't believe it ! She asked me if I like James ! What a joke ! How can it be ! I am already so sad now , And she still asked me such a thing ! I mean ....... haiz . I do not know what to say . She said it crossed her mind when she read my Blog ! Blog , blog , blog ! No doubt . Of couse I would have written some romances inside it ! Romances ! Well , I just wrote SOME romances in my blog and then the guy I like is James , is it that way !?!?!? Fine then ! I swear in God's name that I won't bother about typing about Him then ( let me write a little about Him in this very last post of mine . Thank you ! ) ! Who know what others thought about the guy I like ! But I can't believe it ! I though , by letting her read my blog , I would have 1 more person understanding me , one more person for me to reach out when I'm down ........ but instead she got all those Boy - Girl Relationship stuff from my Blog ! She seems to want to know more about my crush rather than to know about me . I still remembered a poem I wrote , about my Blog . It was titled " Blog " The very last stanza of the poem " Blog " , written by me was ...... " I only ask something little , from my faithful readers of mine , to understand me , and to look from my point of view . " Hm , don't seems that what I asked is coming true for me . Hm ! Fine then ! If you can't understand me and look from my point of veiw , give my Blog a miss then ! And that poem . Shi Zhen leave a tag at my tagboard . He said something like , Of couse I would look from your point of view . Can't decline that you are cuter then me . And then now ? Brother's friend all not coming to my blog anymore ! Okay . I've talk about Shi Zhen . So ? Am I going to fall in love with him now , now that I've written about him ????? I ........... okay . Confussion ! So much about it ! I REALLY have had enought of all thses Boy Girl Releationship . I can't say much about affairs of the heart . You can never predict about it ! And even Brother finds me irritating ! STOP IT ! STOP IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sob sob ........ She asked me if I got go to IRC , what channle . IRC . Oh yar ! The " Rape " message which my juniors were so interest in on Monday ? So what if I got go ? Why ? Scared that I go to those " colour " channle ? And so what if I go to all those " colour " channle ? SO ? I've already got experiences about all those ..... stuffs before . What's new ? Well ..... James did too . But I still can't believe , figure out how he can stop himself ........ Haiz . Forget it ! Forget it ! It's all in the past .... right ? No . I don't think so ! The past came into the present only last month !!!!!! After I receive Christ inside me . Yar . James again . So ? I just simply love saying his' name . James James James !!!!!! So ? I like him ?!!?!? And so what ? And so what if I don't ! What power do you have ? Diana ended our Phone call by saying , if there's anything , just call me . Yar . So much about that ! I'll tell the truth . By the end of the call , I feel like crying already !!!!!!! I really do ! Oh my ......... I want to cry !!!!!!! I really do feel like crying ! Brother was not due home till late in the morning . I went online while waiting for Brother . Mother and Father had turned in . No harm ! I sign in MSN Messanger . Really hope that he would be online . I want , I need to apologise to Him . But alas ! He was not online . I sign out when Brother came home , which was about 2 am plus . I lie on my bed ........ and , of couse . You can guess what I did ! I lie on my bed and cry ....... it's too much ....... so much for my happy ending ...... Well , there;s only 1 thing I am glad of . Brother still can't confirm about the tickets yet . So , guess I can rest in peace for now , and deal with others the next day ........

Hm , nothing much happened today . Stayed at home the whole day . Watched Van Helsing with Brother while eatting dinner . It's so nice . So cool ........ so dark ! Vampires , werewolves . Yeah ! I loves the way they fight ! How the good side won in the end ! Oh yes ......... this is suppose to be a cofession blog / post . Okay . So here my cofession of this days goes ........ I am supposed to fast today . Fast , with a tummy filled with hope that there would be revival this Thursday . Tummy filled with hope that there would be a break through . My Church is having a Holiday Jest on Thursday . There would be drama , concert ..... etc .....etc . But I never ........ I NEVER FAST !!!!! And I regret ?? I don't know ...... I seems very lost these days ......... Not that I don't want to fast . I want I really do . I have thought about it before . I looked at my breadfast on the table . Noodles woth fishcake . " Should I throw the food away ? Or eat it ? " I felt lost . Confuse ...... Cell Group friends said " Pray to God when you feel lost . " I praied ...... I did . And I asked God to forgive my sins ......... I am eatting the food . I ended up eatting it with a remorseful heart . I can't throw away my food , even though I've throw away my foods a number of times before . I ate it ......... And even ate my lunch with my Brother . Haiz ......................... You understand me ? No you don't ! Especially if you are my Cell Group Member ! He called at night . But was not looking for me ............ When Brother knew about this , he said " You should have lied and tell him that the person he's looking for is in the restroom . And then say , let's chat while waiting . You will have some time to talk to him . " Oh yup . Brother . Why don't you tell me eariler ?

Chinese Dance today . Meet Melody adn Boon Ya on my way to School . Went into the floyer and saw Lydia and Hui Min . The day turned out what it supposed not to be . I actually wanted this day to practice our own Chinses Dance item . And leave Thursday to be a practice for all Dancers . India , Malay and Chinses Dance . Yet that Lydia told the Indian Dance Leader that we would be haveing practice today and that all the dancers are to turn up ! Well , nevermind about that . But the Indian Dance Leader was still asleep ! And our music is with her ! Lydia did not have any other music ! What is this ? CHinses Dance should and must have our own musice for our own item , why and how in the world did it land on the Indian Dance Leader ? And what Indian Dance Leader ? So irresponable ! So , we dance 1 round of our SYF item . We were so beat after that 1 round and we never dance anymore for that dance . We sat down on the floor and cahtted a little , then some of the girls started downing warm up exercise . Melody suddenly asked me to practise the coming up thing . I am to stand on the floor , then bend backward and use both my hands and legs to support me . I am able to go down , but I do not have enough strength to come up ! So , I practised . Meldoy , Boon Ya , Yvonne and Hui Min practised together with me too . So glad . And can you believe it ? Melody even tried to carry me forward when I am down . I just don't have enough energy to come up . Sob ! Lydia and Melody left to meet their friends at different time . So , the dance room only have me , Boon Ya , Yvonne and Hui Min . We played follow the leader for a while . We were so tired that we lie on the floor . Suddenly , we negan dicussing about having a camp right in the dance room ! So , we made plans . Really made plans ! And we never stop chatting about the camp till 2 plus in the afternoon ! I left with them and met Mum at the Singpost . Went to eat Chicken Chop Rice with Mum . Then Mum got to go and buy something , and so I leave first . I passed by the Singpost again . And I saw Mr Goh ! But I did not call out to him . Shy ! At night , I received a message from Mr Goh . He wished me a Merry Christmas . Hm , he's flying to other countries . Would not be in Singapore during Christmas so he send the message eariler . I took the chance to double check with him . He was really inside the Singpost ! Can't believe it ! I chatted with Diana and we talked about books . Then she suddenly ask me how long had I been reading about Vampires , about the dark . I beart around the bush and never answer her . There's always a dark side in each and everyone of us no matter what ...... Vampires ! It just intrests me like never before ! I used to read other books , romances , illness , normal diaries . But I just get bored with those books ! It's lame . There's nothing much in it ! It's not exciting ! People used don't understand me . I only have books which is able to react to me the way I want . Nobody understands me .

Surprise ! Mum allowed me to go Church . She was in such a good mood that she even chose my clothes for me ! I read my novel during my bus ride . Guess what book I read ? I read finsih the novel ! Yeah ! I had finially finish the book ! The Vampire Daries ! I got down from the bustop and got to cross the road . It's a two - way road . I crossed finish one side of the road , and was waiting for the another side of the road to be clear of cars . It was then i realized that James and Diana were waiting for me ! Diana wore a white long sleeves shirt . She looks very beautiful . James was just squatting down by the pavement , seems restless ? Diana commented that I looked preety . James was shocked and he questioned Diana if I really am . So , we 3 walk towards the Church . Diana and James were talking , so I just kept quiet . Suddenly , James posted me a question , are you joining us for the soccer match later ? He turned towards me . I struggled my shoulder . Gee , what soccer match , James ? I don't even know that there would be a soccer match going on later ! And Yi Sin was having her Bible Study . If Yi Sin stay , I'll stay . So , I went for Service . But there's something special about this Service . Instead of reading the usual " The Apostles's Creed " we read " Nicene Creed " . The new creed sounded strange , wired . It's longer and it needs a deeper level of understanding . We went to eat after the Service . Yi Sin and I ordered a cup of Green Tea each . But we never order food . Two of our Borthers ordered Chicken Rice . But they do not know that " Buy 2 plates get 1 free . " Seening that I was not eatting anything . They gave me that extra plate of Chicken Rice . I gladly accepted it , not knowing that the Chicken was filled with chilly !!!! It was very hot !!!!!! And so I complained to Li Hui , who was sitting beside me . My Brohters had finished eatting their dinner , and I was still laft with a almost full plate of HOT Chicken rice . James noticed it and asked me to pass him the plate of Chicken Rice to him . I did . And I guess he helped me to eat finish those Chicken . Well , he never order any dinner too , guess he's hungry as well ? Haha . Yi Sin could stay for the Soccer match . So I stayied too . Claaed Mum and told her that I would be back by 7 pm . But I do not know that the match would end at 8 pm plus . So , I made a call to Mum again and told her that I would be back about an hour later . Guess who was standing beside me when I reach ? It was Billy ! I chatted with him , asked him to check his Friendster account . Hopefully he did . Turned out that he took part in the match too , but he injured his leg ! Oh my . The injury was not that bad , but it's injured no matter what , yet he still wants to play the Soccer match . Poor thing ! Billy's match start at 7 pm . But my Cell Group members wants the leave befoure 7 pm ! Well , I got to leave with them too , no choice ! So , turned out that I never have the chance to watch Billy's match . Sob , sob ? Went home . TUrned out that there's a newly opened Night Market near my house . I shopped a little . Brought some Tu Tu Kueh for Brother . Got home , Brother was not home yet . He's outside with Janson and Jeff playing cards , again . I took the chance and signed into his account . He's online yesterday night ! And Brother never tell me about that ! Angry , so I deleted one of his contect again . Well , you can guess who I deleted .

Oh my ... the morning was still okay . Went to run errands for Mum after eatting breadfast . And I was even messageing with my juniors about our Chinses Dance Speech Day Practices with my Mum's Handphone . I finally decided to have practice on Monday at 9 am . To avoid having Kai Xin's tution . I still feel very strange about last night phone call from her ........ Read my " The Vampire Diaries " till late in the afternoon where Brother left the house and went to Jeff's house to test out his deck . I am reading the very last series of the " The Vampire Diaries " . There were a total of 4 books . I had read first 3 books , now the very last book .... if I read the last book , then I would have finish the whole series of " The Vampire Diaries " . I used the computer . I chatted with Lydia . We had decided to go to East Cost Park on Monday to book a barbecue pit after practice . I was the one who called the person and asked about out queries . Meldoy came online and I chatted with her . The computer hanged somehow and so I restart it . This time , the Msn Messanger signed into Brother's account . Gusss I had forgotten to click " Remember my E-mail adress " on the MSN . I signed into my Brother's account on purpose ..... I really wonder what he's chatting with that Le Hia girl and I want to read his mails too . I played with his contects after signing in ....... Found out a lot of things !!!!! Firstly , he had signed in 2 days ago ..... when I was offline and Brother was using the Computer !!!!!!! What the !!!!!! I was so angry . Brother did not tell me about it ! And worst , Brother even accused me of chasing him offline last night when Brother knew that he was online !!!!!! Jealous ????? Jealous of my own Brother ???? I don't know , but it seems that his relationship with her is quite good , unlike me and him .......... In my anger , I deleted one of his contect ......... and can you guess who ? Yes , it's that Le Hia girl ! I even read all their conversation ....... it was ........ Brother was so close to telling her about his feelings for her when he backout ! Or that's what I thought - backout at the very last minute !!! Okay ..... Brother , maybe you were clever in not telling her about you feelings , couse you maybe end up like me . Being advoided , secluded ! Haiz ..... don't remind me of that guy who had hurted me so badly !!!!! I really miss him ! I want to talk to him !!!!!!! But , Brother , a word of advise from you little kid Sister , you better tell her if you have the chance !!! What if she like you back also ? From all the chats you both had , I am postive so that she had touched you heart ! I never read a chat where you took the trouble to re - start the conversation again . Asking her about her points of views ..... etc ....... Now , don't tell me that all your conversation about life are just for fun , Brother ! But well , I guess , Brother , you have to let the person know about your feelings !!!!! What if it's too late or something ??? Sigh , I don't know !!!! Reading you chats with her are like rading my chat with him months ago ...... filled with suspense , got to be patience for the her respone , do not know what to expect ...... But I took the dare , have the courage , and told him about my feelings ..... yet he advoided me from that day on ...... so , maybe you are smarter ? Must be then ..... you are always smarter then me , as usual , no matter what ......... From my account , he had not online for 31 days 21 hour 59 second , yet he had sign in 2 days ago when you were using the computer !!! Hm ....... what could be worst , right , Brother ??? And to think that you never tell me about it !!! Okay , you nver realize it , you only have eyes for your Le Hia girl !!!!!! I always wish to have a good nice chat with him ....... like your conversation ........ Haiz .......... Brother came home from Jeff's house , and I hang over the computer to him . As usual ......... So , without a computer , I read my book . I still left a few pages before I decare I had finished " The Vampire Dairies . " Mum went to sleep after watching her television program . I contuined to read my novel .... it was so exticing ! The vamipres are fighting , the good ones are losing , they were badly huted by some white ash wood . And of couse , the evil vampire , The Old One , was winning . No ... The Old One cannot win ! He's evil ! Very evil . He had killed a lot of innocent girls in the village ! He had to die ! Then , one of the human girls shouted towards the darkening sky ... " Elen ! " Elen was a dead vampire , she had sacrificed her life in order to save her whole village from been killed by her love rival . She died in the last novel . But Elen showed herself . She came from the sky like an angel , with a very bright light in her . She came , but all those dead village people who had died during the eariler war had rose from the dead too ...... But what are they going to do to kill The Old One ? What Power do they have ??? I was so engrossed in the book ...... suddenly " Mu Jie , can't you sit properly ? There's insufficient light " I looked around . Wondering who had frightened me . It was Dad ! I'm angry ! I shouted back at him . Who cares ! I'll lose my temper if anyone bother me like that ! Mum woke up due to Dad and I shoutings . She's angry at us for waking her up . So , as punishment , she took away my Handphone . She said something about not going put tomorrow . I'm so angry . I mean ...... more then angry . Fustrated ! What if it's like the last time ? I swear and cursed Dad . He went to bed when Mum woke up , at once ! What a coward ! I hate Mum too ! Suddenly , I loated everybody ! I cried on my bed , with lights off , ready to sleep . I thought of calling Diana ..... but then ........ what if Mum's throwing her tantrum ? No ! I won't call anyone ! I only wished to chat with him ..... I want him ! I miss him !!!!!!! If only Brother had told me that he was online 2 days ago !!!!! Brother , it's all your fault ! I thought about something very bad .......... Minds just wonder once you let it rest . They made you think of funny , bad stuffs ........ I was at in Church , outside the lobby . The place where we usually meet before Service . Mum called and demand me to be at home . I cried ..... slowly , all my energy , strength left me . I lean against the wall and cried right in front of my Cell Group ....... everyone of my Cell Group Member crowded around me . But I never care them . Instead , I used my Handphone to call my Brother . And I said things ........ which I won't said inside my Blog ! It's too terrible ! After thinking about all those ....... I suddenly have inspiration in writting a poem . Lines after lines of poems flooded my mind . Inspotations just come when you least expected it . So , you got to grab it like the way you grab a $ 1000 note ! Brains seems to work the best when you want it to rest . I leap out of the bed and went to my work table . Grabed a library loan slip , a pen from my pencile box , and began writting a poem with the lights off . Brother walked by room . He saw me and said nothing . I climbed back to my bed after writting out the poem . I felt so much better ............. So peaceful ...........

I clear my room . Guess what I found ? My diary ! Well , I had only written 3 or 4 days of my life . During February this year . I read ........ those precious moments .......... the 2 hour chat with him ....... his comforting words when I was scard ..... his encougements when I told him I failed my Math ...... I had recorded every single thing we chatted about ..... my Brother ...... etc ... etc ..... When I read the diary , I can really feel how it had been . I was already struggling with studies ever since the begnning of the year ....... but I was blessed to have him listening about my woes ..... I never realized how much I wrote . 2 , 3 pages for 1 entry !! It was filled with my days in School , how lonely I was . And at night , where I always message him . I remember reading a line from my diary " It is Friday today . If we message tonight , we would be messaging for a week . " Can you believe it ? I sounded so much like a girl being loved ......... filled with hope , a bright future in her love life ......... Brother was indside my room at that time and I streched out my hand , letting him read my diary , he did not take it .......... When I think of those diary enerties later that day , I felt heavy hearted ..... very sad , depressing ........ it left me with an undesirable feeling inside me , eatting me away every second , every minute , every hour , everytime the clock tick , everytime ......... I never go online tonight . Brother did . Chatting with that Le Hia girl ..... I am going to make him pay someday !!!!! Using the computer till late at night , shouting at Mother when she nagged at him for using the computer till so late . The only reason why he stay online so late was because he want to chat with that Le Hia girl . And he can even raise his voice when Mum reprimand him ! Rude ! But I'm no better , I suppose . I remeber the very first MSN chat I had with him ....... he asked the question " Do you like ..... have some sort of crush on me ? " I told him " Yes " and he avoid me from that day on ........... I messaged with Diana late at night .........She was going to sleep , and I was bored , so I send a " Sob Sob " message to her . She replied " Ha Ha " . I messaged back " I'm here crying and yet you can laugh ? " She replied " You are crying ? What happened ? .... etc .... " I was like .......... she really care for me ! People really care for me ????? But I only waht him to care ....... is that too much to ask for , God ?