Cousion came this Morning and I got scolded ......... I went to Chruch . And fellowship . But Yi Sin and I were reading comic instead of talking with other Sisters and Brothers ........ Got scolded by Vivien for that ! What is this ! I'm present . If you want to fellowship with me , by all means . But all of them were busy eatting their dinner and talking with other . What's there to fellowship ? I mean .......... since everybody were so occupied with one another , why bother them ? If they really want to fellowship with either me or Yi Sin , they can easily call out to us or something . We aren't that rude as in ...... don't respond when people talk to us ! I went to Jurong Point with Yi Sin after the scolding .

Summary of my Secondary 3 life during my month , October ........ Everything came , everything past , just like the blink , of my own eye . First is Exams , then promotion . ended with me , dropping A math . It had all passed , without knowing , without wanting , with me crying . I am so dumb , I am so slack , and therefore now , disappointed . I can't turn back , those precious time , which was given , for revision . I didn't ask , I did not care , but instead I , only heck care . Who can help me , to turn back time , who can help me , in my studies ? Who's willing to ? who's able to ? to make a big , change in my life ? By : MJ . 2004 .

I went to the Jurong East Lirbary since I have nothing else better to do . I was in the Popular when I bumped into Mr John . He was my English tution teacher when I was in Secondary 1 . We talked a little before he left . I was in no mood to buy things even though I have the money ....... Kai Xin called me ans asked me about my results . How many Subjects I passed , how many subject I failed . What is my grades ........ so on and so for ..... yet , I told her that I had forgotten all about my results ....... Mum cooked fish for dinner . I wanted to give Brother to eat ......... I simply dislike seafood !!!!!! Bother of couse refuse to help me . He said " Pervseverance . Determaination . You can do it . You can go the distance ! " And tears went running down my cheeks . " Hey , what's wrong ? I am here encouraging you . " He took the tissue from nearby and helpped me wipe off the tears .........

Physcis lesson was from 9 am to 11 am . I went to School with my big fat Amath Textbook . Mr Koh wants it . Zhi Hui saw it and asked me " Huh ? Today got Amath lesson ? " " Nope . " Ai Hui answered . " Then how come Mu Jie , you bring Amath Textbook ? " " Yar , Mu Jie . Why ? " I never reply them . Ai Hui know my character , if I don't want to answer , or don't feel like answering , I won't no matter what . Worst come to wost is me lying . I just don't care about them . Ai Hui ! Though you understand how I felt ? Am I wrong to think that you understand me ? Chemistry was after Physics . When I left the lab , Miss Ong asked " Mu Jie , so how ? Can or not ? " I just answered , can . I went home to change and went back for Chinese Dance . Turned out that our instructor have food poisoning and could not come . Nevermind . I don't mind . I won't mind . I'm in no mood to dance either . I stayed back with Mandy . I went online and chatted with Hansen and Shi Zhen . Both are Brother's friend . They encouraged me ...... Shi Zhen told me his experience . Janson said ....... it's all in the mind .

Humiliation ! Insult ! I just kew it . This day would come ! Wehnt for Physics lesson at 9 am . It ended at 11 am . There was a short half an hour break . So I sat in the folyer . Au Hui sat on the seat directly next to me , with most of my other classmates . Well , some of them went outside the School , others went missing . So , I sat all alone on the next seat , doing my stuff , minding my own bussiness . It was then ....... Mr Koh , my Secondary 1 form teacher and Math teacher came and stood beside me . He asked " Who is dropping Amath next year ? " I raised my hand , looking down , not daring to look at other people . Mr Koh then say " Can you bring your Amath Textbook tomorow and give it to this boy ? " He pointed to a boy standing beside him . I just nodded my head . When he left ........ whisper was heard all around me . Someone , asked me " Mu Jie , you drop Amath ar ? " " Yar . " I sound cheerful , like taking the sky as my blanket when it drop . Mr Goh was correct . I smile even if I feel like frowning . " Why ? " the person ask again . " Huh ......... just drop . " I want to end this convastion . I looked at Ai Hui ...... she said nothing . But I knew that she knows how I must have felt . Yet she did not respone to my cry ! I do feel like crying at that point of time . Oh .... if only he was present ......... he would surly joke around and make the atmosphere less tense ! How I miss him !!! This is the number what times I claimed that I miss him ?? Sorry , my posts must have been very bored , keep on typing " I miss him " . I messaged my Brother . I not sure if he would reply me or not . But I just can't live like that ! People talking about me , about my intelligence level ! I simply hate it ...... and who can I tell ? Who can I reach for help ? Mum ? She even encouraged me to take Combine Science ! Brother ...... he did replied ! He told me to work haard , force on other subject . Okay . Sure Brother . I'll listen to you . I always listen to you , even though I am naughty at times . Nothing else happen ....... expect , when I crowded around Mr Goh with other classmates to check worksheet , Mr Goh asked me how come my worksheet was not done . I was even given time to do it for Amath lesson ! Hey , Mr Goh , the sums were so hard ! I'm not as clever as you ...... I had even drop Amath and accepted all the questions bombarding at me without an experssion of grievance or resentment , without cries of sorrow or rage or pain . What else do you expect me to do ?

Skipped Chinese Dance . Who cares about it anyway ? Since the Teacher only like and want Imelda to be the main lead ? I would be just as small as a housefly , nobody would see me ! Went for Physics , 9 am to 11 am . Have a half an hour beeak and went for Amath from 11.30 am to 1 pm . Same feeling as yesterday , so I shall skipp all those " feelings " part . Stayed back with others to check worksheet again . But this time round ....... before I left ....... Mr Goh's last word to me was ........... " Remeber to come at 2.15 pm ! " " Ok " Vanassa , who was by the exit , followed my tone and spoke " Ok " . I was there blushing ! Contected my Brother and went eatting with him . I went back to School and stood by the School Gate , waiting for Mum . She came , I contected Mr Goh , and soon , all 3 of us were sitting at the folyer . The same place where I sat with Mr Goh last Friday when I cried ....... So , my hearing began ....... Mum asked Mr Goh to be my tutor , can you believe it ??????? And , Thank You , Mr Goh , for telling Mum on behalf of me that I dropped Amath ! Mum said it's alright . And Mr Goh said that I got to sit for retest for my Chemistry and Physics . And can you believe what Mum said ? She assured Mr Goh that she won't mind me taking Combine Science !!!!!! I can't believe it ! Is Mum thinking / feeling that I'm useless ? That I can't cope those 2 subject ? Or is it that since Brother took Combine Physics and Chemistry and Pure Biology , I can't take any subject deeper den his ???? Mum did gave Mr Goh her Office number ...... Mr Goh said that I would smile even thoght I'm down .......... Mum said things like ........ my grades can be better if there's caring teachers who are willing to help me . But they said someting ..... about me not telling Mum something . Mr Goh looked at me and asked me " What else you never tell your Mum ? " I was there looking down , then at him , lastly my vision ended by looking at Mum . Haiz ......... Nothing much happened . Expect the part where Mum allowed me to take Combine Science . It's really like look down at me ...... Mum never scold me or anything after the Meet the parent .......... Thank you Mr Goh !!!!!!!! Online , I told him that I'm depressed about dropping Ammath . His nick was ... um , I can't say it , but it's about Math and so I took the chance telling him about me dropping Amath . But HE DON'T CARE !

" Breadfast ! " Brother used my Teddy Bears to wake me up . Ha Ha , it made my day so much better ! Hm , went to School at for Amath lesson . Even though I had dropped the DAMN subject , Mr Goh still wishes me to be present during Amath lessons . I perfer not to go if I was given a choice . Mr Goh did told me last Friday , when I cried in front of him , that I can ask him anything if I have problems , he can help me . I just went ........ I am feeling like a person being rejected . Hui Min was sitting beside me . She's a clever girl . Her parents were working till late at night , yet she is still able to score well in her studies . I felt like ....... a gunies sitting beside a complete fool . Everyone's head was up while mine was down . Solving the sums ....... It's would be sooner or later that the news would be known ! And I hope that I'm up for all those questions !!! I stayed back with 4 other classmates to check worksheets with Mr Goh . We were soon dismissed at 1.30 pm . Devi was sick so I accompany her since I have Chinese Dacne at 2 pm . She wanted a drink yet the drink store was not open . I went running to the nearest shop abt borght a drink back for her . Running when I'm having my periods , I'm sipmly crazy ! But I don't mind . She had been a good roomate when I was in Austraila . I even told her what happened during my Secondary One / Two . SHe even knew whose the one who had made me suffer so mcuh ! Since she had been such a nice pal , it won't kill for me to run and buy her drinks , right ? We waited in the folyer for Devi's fater to fetch her home . Mr Goh saw us and he came . He talked to Devi first . It was then Devi's father came and I was left all alone with Mr Goh . I just ask him some questions , made some comments ......... nothing else .