Hm … what happened … I went School , then did project work in the library … was online , chatting with Enrique . He was online too … we talked a while … he sent me lots of websites … it was all from the Ebay … he asked me to choose which bear I like … Enrique ended up calling my hand phone and we talked … mostly about him … but then , I got told him that he may be going overseas to study … Enrique told me not to worry .. as long as I tied his heart up , locked it , and carved my name on his heart … everything would be alright . We both talked for about 56 minutes … I heard some second line thingy … Strange … Soon , I realized that … all the second line thingy I heard was from my phone … and he had called !!!! Sometimes , I felt as if I could have knock my head on the wall and let it bleed like the river flowing … oh my god ! I was talking to another guy and yet … my boyfriend called so many times …. 14 times !!! And yet … gee … I felt so guilty . I called him back at once … we talked a bit … he said that I distracted him as he was about to study but I called … he said that he misses me . We went to do the interview … Ate with Min Hui … yup … He called at 9.41pm … and I told him why I so late not home yet … haha … He called again at 11.44pm … we talked … I also forgot what we talked about … but well … I am delighted just being with him . Oh , I told him what Enrique said … And also … the Ebay bears … he asked me which one I want … then I told him , I want everything … haha … but changed my mind to wanting a “ just married , couple bears . He said that would be after we just marry … I actually felt like asking him , do you think we will end up together …. But thinking it again … better not . I should have more confidence , I should not make him feel confuse or pressure him …

Went to the market with Mum in the morning .. then went to work . Nothing much , it was totally relax . However , was a little moody … about our future . Shopped a little and then went home . He called , asked me if I like the colour silver . He even told me that he brought paint and glue … there’s something up his shelves … He went for the Scholarship talk yesterday … and most scholarship requires him to go overseas … asked him if he had thought about his future with me … he said yes . I assured him that even if he goes overseas , I would wait for him …. He said I was giving him pressure . You see … I am so happy … he’s making something for me , using the paint and glue , then he told me yesterday , he would be buying a pair of wedding bears for me . However , he also told me that he most probability would be getting a scholarship … which means he would go overseas … I also don’t know why … but I hate the idea that he’s overseas and not by my side … But my cousin also went throught the same thing ... guess they became an item when they were in National Junior Collage ... then my cousin went to England to study , for quite some time ... and she got married when she return ... The closer I am to him , the more I do not want to leave him , the more I want to be with him . What am I talking about … what I am getting at … what am I sad about … what am I frighten about ???? I also do not know … I can’t pin point it . I am just thinking too much …. I am thinking about the future … silly me …. I do not think about short term goals … only thing about long term goal … silly me … no stepping stones , how to get to the top . Guess I am just thinking too much … Mu Jie ... stop it ok ... Sorry . Oh yes ... we told bedtime stories too ... hehe ... I love you .. never leave me .

Boring . Went to the PSB building and worked from 9.30am to 5.30am . Was messaging Sok Ee . She wanted me to stand in for her ... but Mark had called and needed me to be the roving assist . Too bad . Anyway , shopped a little .. Sok Ee messaged that she say my boyfriend with ... With .... Another girl , holding hand , shopping ... Haha , just kidding . Sok Ee saw my boyfriend with his family at Suntec Carefour . Used to work there ... haha , if only I was helping Sok Ee to stan in or something ... I really miss him ... kept thiking about him when I have nothing to do , like on the bus ... But oh well ... fate wanted it to be like that ... though I admit that sometimes I really could not stand my longing for him ... but I know that he have his commitments and I have mine . Just let time do it's planing and I know that someday , somehow , we would be able to go dating once again . Messaged him and things like that ... Went online … nobody at home … Mum and Brother went to watch the National Day Preview … Dad went to um .. work ? Chatted with Enrique … was bored . Told him about my School and love life … Told him that I am both happy and scared . Enrique told me … treasure the moment , don’t think too much … live the present to the best , leave the rest to fate , or should I say , fate planned by God ? He called at night . Then we talked ... he told me what he would be getting me for my Birthday … at first he asked me to guess ... I asked him if it is the Ebay Pooh Bear .. he said it is something more expersive than it . I thught too much ... my first though was , a diamond ring .. haha . The happier and scarier I got .

I am totally ... ARGH !!!! Went to School at 8am ... Janani reached at 8.07am like that ... waited for Min Hui and Amamda . We went back to the room and the nurse measured the bump of our Tuberculine Skin Test Reactivity , mine was 11cm ... Hm ... guess we went to the Library and slack ... then went for the Sociology Tutorial . At the end of the tutorial , heard her asking her about her absent ... She said that she has to go hospital ... She told her not to do it again ... That was all ... I was totally fed up with both of the parties involved .... I could not stand it !!! Went to eat in the Food Jnction ... she was crying ... I felt that it was totally yucky ! Asked Amamda if she , by chance , know the reason for her tears , Amamda only said things about the family visit . If that's the reason , the more I feel like pukeing . I would interprete the sadness as some form of weapon to gain our pity . We stayed till 6pm in the Library . Doing the HS1028 . She left eary , as usual . Went with Min Hui to Toa Payoh to exchange my bag ... but out of stock , too bad . Was heading to the bus interchange when he called ... talked to him .... He just knows how to make me happy , make me smile .... he always make my day . Went home ... He called again ... Haha . Think I have gldfish memory , just like him . Haha . Guess , he wanted to help me , he want to know about the status ... and offered to help . But I simply refuse , because I see no point in helping ... because I know that they would open their mouth and tell me if they need my help . Told him what I planned to do for his Birthday ... and he was so bad . He was teasing me ... giving more ... ideas ...

Woke up at 7am , don't feel like geting up .. Haha .. Hey , I slept very soundly last night , haha .. must be because of the power of love . I never wake up until morning . Went School for lecture ... hm , the lecture for today was Ms Ong .. she even allow us to tell her our details if we forget to bring our landyard ... before the start of the lecture .... Still felt very guilty ... Went to the Food Junction with the gang .. Min Hui , Amamda and Janani ... After that , we came K Plaza to check our attachment dates ... for the polyclinc . I was posted to Jurong .. as usual .. After that , I went with Min Hui to Toa Payoh and we both brought a bag . Hehe ... I went to help out with the SG class .. helped them to cut the papers and things like that ... He called while I was cutting the things ... Haha .. talked a little .. Was about to leave when I saw Daniel ... haha .. we talked a little and I left . Oh , realized that the new bag I got was spoilt ... one of the zip coult not be open .. went back to the uncle and told him . He called again at night . Can't remember the details of our conversation .

Went to School at 8am just for my dear Janani ... she was having her skills test today ... Went in for her , she took my TPR ( temperature , pulse and respiration ) ... I went out .. but a few minutes later , Janani asked me to go in as my temperature was too low . Went in again ... she took my temperature ... Then Yoga was having his skills test too ... the lecture asked me to stay back and be Yoga's parnter/ model . He took my TPR too ... but he took it for 30 seconds when he should take for a minute .. he retook ... but the reading was wrong for my pulse and respiration ... Thus , the lecture held my left hand , Yoga on my right hand . The lecture instructed Yoga to count out loud .. then she claimed that he counted too fast , then too slow ... Argh ! Haha ... Went for that DAMN Sociology Lecture . I forgot to bring my landyard , so cannot tap at the card readed ... went inside the lecture room and told the lecture at once . She just asked me to go back to my seat . I went back , Janani asked me to write down my details on a pice of paper and I submited to her . The lecture still did nothing to my attendence . Lecture ended , I was very fed up ... I went to the lecture and asked her straight at her face , " are you going to tick my attendence ? " " No , " came her respond . I could not stand it and betrayed someone about the attendence thingy ... Min Hui , Janani and Amanda went to the restroom after the lecture and I went to the McDonald's to wait for them ... I almost cried ... this is terrible ... I felt so selfish and guilty ... but it was very unfair too ... You see ... I was present , just that I forgot to bring my landyard , I was marked as absent . My classmate was absence , she tagged her landyard , she was marked as present . Ate , then went to the library , saw Yi Jun ... went with her to find Yong Shen .. got the ticket for Jun Yang's concert ... Went with our cheerleading caption , Yong Shen and Yi Jun , after that , we went to McDonald's to wait for others . He called wjile we were waiting ... we talked and talked .. he told me that he had already brought my Brother's birthday present ... so sweet of him ... We went to NUH and visited Poh Poh ... hardly talk to anyone ... Went all the way to the bus stop myself ... the rest were heading to the MRT ... Reached home .. He called at night too ... Hm ... what did we talked about ... I not sure .... guess I told him about the slashing , the shouting ... He was offering help , claimed that if he can help Sok Ee , why not me ... but I told him that , I only need him to listen .

I can’t sleep … I woke up at 4am .. Someone from China messaged me , saying that my hand phone won some prize … Woke up again … at 5am , 6am like that … I knew the timing as I saw the kitchen lights … It’s painful , it hurts !!! I messaged my Hubby and he replied …

Boring … Oh ! I recalled … She came home from the market , and began scolding him … blaming him for not going to the market with her … She was very furious …. I went to the Jurong East Library to study … can’t get my usual seat … Never mind , but I managed to memorie the connective tissue . Called mum that I would be home … she claimed that it was still early , then I told her that I go to shop … and she began scolding me and ask me to go home and clear my room . Went home … yup .. He did call … at 12.09am .

I am so sorry , I do not mean a single thing I blogged yesterday … forgive me … Sok Ee had enlightened me …. Oh my , I should have understood him better … I am a student nurse and yet I …. Ok , woke up … very restless … spend the whole morning doing nothing , asked Janani to go Woodlands library … but then , never mind . Was wishing , hoping against the truth … I knew extremely well that he would not message me , telling me that he decided to meet me … yet , I kept on checking my hand phone … wishing , hoping … Went to the Bukit Timah Plazza’s KFC to study …. Quite happy with my memory , but not with my process … I managed to recall everything I learnt … bioscience’s topic on tissues … but yet , I took quite some time to memorize . Hm , he messaged me .. told me that hw would not be calling … message a little , he knew me so well , he know that I am angry that he would not be calling . Was at cousin’s house when he called at 9.24am and we talked a little … Sok Ee called at night too … she made me realized my mistake … she told me that I should be happy .. That he told me .. That he has feelings for his friends … I should only worry if he feels nothing … He called at 1.53am too .. But I was asleep … We never really talk as I was somewhere in dreamland … Actually wanted to apologies to him … But well … tomorrow !

I am supposed to study now … but , I simply got to blog no matter what … too emotional . Woke up 2 times this morning … woke up , slept , and then got woken up again . Heard them screaming their head off again … This time , I guess … it is really serious …. Suddenly , I got very scared , very sad too , I don’t know why …. I hate it … after so many months …. Why do they have to go back to square one again ? And this time … so serious !!! I feel like crying … I don’t know what to do … I just act as if I heard nothing , even thought I know petty well that Mum would tell me . Went school for a tutorial lesson from 9am to 10am , had a 3 hour break which we did our HS1027 and HS1028 project . Went for HS1027 tutorial … had to present the Mr. James Chua thingy . Actually we planned to do everything … identify problems , care plan and evaluation … However , we only need to do care plan . I’m in group 2 and the tutor want to start from group 4 , the last group . When it was group 3’s turn , Janani and I wanted to eliminate desperately … Had some confusion … wanted to go after the group 3’s presentation , but both Janani and I were to present … Presented … I was the first to present … each of us has 3 slides … had some problems in pronunciation … then by the fourth slide , I went haywire … Firstly , it is supposed to be Janani’s slide , then I don’t know how to pounce something … I anyhow read and the whole class started laughing … After our presentation , Janani and I asked for permission to go toilet … then the tutor said something like , why must go together , you both make me worry … The tutor even remembers my name … Janani allowed to me go first … then shortly after I return … the tutor allowed Janani to go , saying that Janani was doing the urine dance or something … Anyway , stayed back till 6pm plus … doing the project …. Went home , nobody at home …. I’m ashamed of myself …. I actually …. Mum got home and I ate dinner . Oh yes , I’m right … Mum sat down beside me and told me what took place this morning … I actually knew everything , but I just kept my mouth shut and let her say everything she felt . He called , and that’s where to bomb shell began … he suddenly told me that we would be better if we remain brother and sister … then suddenly refuse to tell me something about his classmate , A . Then suddenly asked me what I would do if he left me … as in , died … He forced me to imagine …. When I told him that I refuse to , and that I don’t want to tell him how I feel … he said … ok , at least A told me how she would feel … I was like … ok , fine … then ? It’s like … he only care about what A said , right ? He used the word , “ at least “ … Is it my fault that I can’t think about it ?! Am I in the wrong that I am not creative enough to know how it feels like to be without him ? Even when a normal break up ( which he had requested 2 times ) made life unbearable for me already … and if he really wants to know .. Well , I guess I would simply become a depression case … Well , guess that I’m already on my way to depression …. Everybody who read my blog said that I sound sad , but to me , I feel that it’s all part and parcel of life … He also said something like … A is the only women who understand him , expect his mother . A’s mother had meet him a few times before , then he felt that if he wants to be their daughter – in – law , they would allow … he continued by saying things like … A is such a strong girl , and that she is so smart … He asked me not to turn down my work for him … as I need the money … In other words , he’s asking me not to give up anything for him … than , it made me to think of the very hurtful past … the message he sent on 15 June 2006 , at 9.28pm … “ Bye…. “ He started his message with , “ into love … Love demand sacrifice …. I don’t think I will actually sacrifice anything for you . “ As he said that … including everything he had said since he called … including everything that happened this morning … I began to cry … I don’t know … it’s so … UNFAIR ! It’s like … I did not choose to be born into this family , who don’t want to be a princess , having silk for cloths , bird nest , king lobster , black pepper crab, frog leg and shark fin for daily meals , king size bed to sleep , have a room which have the measurements equals to a 5- room HDB flat and have a house which is bigger than … ok , let’s say … Singapore ? And oh , who says that love is all so easy going , who says that love is sweet … I only know that love hurts at times , and that love equals to all the emotion a human can experience . He was tearing … he felt that it is very unfair for A … Then what about me ?! Had life been fair to me ? Why am I born into such family with low income ? Why do I not have an advantage in height ? Why is my intelligence level not as high as others ? And why is/ was my boyfriend still carrying a torch for his ex crushes after we are together for 7 months ? Oh , all these are fair to me ? Every of those things had been fair to me , but everything that happened to A is unfair to her ? Worst , he was actually crying for her … had he ever cried for me ? I remembered … only the very first time when he wanted to break up in February … that was the only one time … and how many times had I cried for him ? Suddenly , I realized that once again .. I’m too foolish again … why did I do so many things for him ? But the thing is … I am willing to do it for him … that’s the worst part … I … am just willing to sacrifice things for him … Being a nurse … I sudden found out that … I am actually scared of death … I have 3 past experience before … though still young … but I can still describe the feelings … I had a very bad experience and somehow , I felt guilty actually … at that time , I have a small diary … and inside it , I actually wrote , “ ~M+J=MJ~ , brother of ~M+J=MJ~ , always and forever … “ Nurse … I have to give holistic care … to care about the patient as a whole and not just the illness itself … somehow … I felt that I failed … I found out that I actually do not know what to do … All the lectures about communication … what therapeutic communication( caring , trusting , empathetic , sympathetic and active listener ) and non therapeutic communication ( offering false respond , giving options/ advise , changing the subject , failure to seek information , being defensive and parroting ) … I don’t know how to apply … I was at a lost , I do not know what to reply , or say … in short , I do not know how to comfort a person … I scared that I step on the wrong path and “BOMB “ , I’m dead ! Anyway , after hang up with him , I felt like I need someone to talk to … I looked around me , and I found myself all alone … thus , I decided to blog instead … Somehow , I felt that he would still call … Oh , before I disconnect the phone with him , I messaged him , telling him about the death thingy … he just replied thanks and wished me good night . People kept calling my home phone … and somehow , the phone became a symbolic interaction (learnt in sociology )… it means him . Everything the phone ring , the ringing tone makes me think of him … While typing on my buddy laptop … he actually called . He told me that he can’t sleep … that he was thinking …. I knew very well what was on his mind … A … I am quite sure … But he called , and said thanks … and then he felt asleep over the phone … Somehow , it made me felt like a substitute … I do not dare to ask him about our date tomorrow … of course I cannot accept it if he just cancels our date all because of A , due to another girl … But what can I do ??? Nothing … Come to think of it … the place where we intended to go … it was actually introduced by that A … maybe they both had went there before and he wish to recall all the incidence happened that , that’s why he don’t want to meet me ? Just let it be then … if that’s what he wants . Oh yes , if he does not want to go , why did he ask me if I want to go out with him in the first place ? But well , anyway , glad that he slept … I cried in bed again … Have a good night rest , I love you . Be strong .

Hm , was messaging Janani all the way from the train to School . Haha . Guess I’m a very bad girl , always wish for the worst … Anyway , had just 2 hour of lecture then we went to the Library to do our project . It was nothing productive at all ! Wasted the 3 hour of break doing nothing … Furthermore , Vasgui was there playing game !!!! Ate instant noodles for lunch … no mood to eat . Went for Bioscience lecture . Vasgui never go again , she passed the card to Janani …. I told Janani to take it , but do not tap … however , the lecture for today is just revision … so no attendance … Went home with Janani and Amanda … I hate going home all alone .. Amanda take bus from the MRT Station , Janani drop down at Woodlands . My mind just wonder … Janani realized that I wasn’t quite myself today , she asked if I’m depressed , told her yes . Loves depress … haha . Was thinking about our conversation on yesterday night … I felt like asking him , how he feels when his classmate teased him about something inside his hand phone . Guess he would just say , shy … and why would he be shy ? Because it’s partly the fact … am I right to say that ? I mean , he can do something about it … How about telling the class that he already has a girlfriend ? I know that he wouldn’t … why … because he’s shy , and my guess is that he would only “ announce” me as his girlfriend only after being together for a year . Somehow , really hope that he would just tell his classmates to end all the teasing … teasing or not … there must be a limit , right ?! I don’t know … hm , maybe what his classmates said is true , that’s why he did nothing ? Sometimes , I really wish to tell him that … that … nothing …. Sok Ee , you actually called me yesterday night , right ? I was on the phone with him , so I never answer … then you messaged me that you’re going to teach tuition , and something about your blog right ? Sometimes , I just wish that I’m like you , carefree , freedom , not tied down , do not need to worry , do not need to care anymore , just let the guy do what he wishes …. Really sorry . If I had a choice on yesterday night , I would surely choose to talk to you instead …. Sort of guilty … I wasn’t around by your side when you need someone to talk to … but you are always there for me … whenever something happen , I just know that I can look for you . Guess that day when you wanted to talk to me about your love life wasn’t the right day … both of us were too busy . You busy fetching your sister from her school and I was busy studying . Haha . Came online , was doing something … past . He was online … took him a while to reply me .. Told me that he was reading some Magic cards thingy , then told me that “ cooking , do not disturb “ , then he told me that he was talking to another girl . He sounded a bit angry when he told me he was cooking … As for the talking to another girl … Tomorrow is racial harmony day . The girl was asking him to wear costume , but he don’t have … then I asked him , if so , why is she asking him to wear ? He refused to tell me , said , “ Don’t tell you . “ I messaged him again , then he said … “ cause she’s wearing and I am not . “ What type of respond was that ??? Those being loved are fortunate , those not , just hope that your love and sacrifices would be worth and realize one day . Hm , ate dinner … then clear my wardrobe when he called . The first thing he asked was , when are you free , Saturday or Sunday ? Haha … then we talked and talked and talked .. He still refuses to tell me what he was chatting with the girl . Messaging Janani and Sok Ee … both of them called too . Told Sok Ee Hm , slept a while when he called my home phone . He talked half way then says something like , “ I have to admit , ~M+J=MJ~ I love you . “ He also got say things like , I miss you … yup … haha , Said both things quite a few times … Haha , think everything is back to normal already . I love you too . Oh , before I forgot , we both said not 1 but 2 bedtime stories . Note , ~M+J=MJ~ stands for another thing .

Hm , worked for the primary 1 and 2 pupils , with Zoo again , went to eat with her at KFC too . Anyway , Zoo has to work , but my work start at 2pm , had some time to slack . I was at the pantry , all along , trainers came in and out …. Then the Hafiz , a guy whom I know ….. He took out a box of condom and asked me if I want or not , then I responded that girls do not use such things , he said that some girls do . I felt totally insulted ! YUCKS !!!! Went home , ate , and then went online . Enrique was online too , so was Rashmi . Seems that both of my friends are facing some problem . Rashmi , I do not know . As for Enrique , he told me that he is in Singapore … etc . I told him what happened inside the pantry … then he was saying that Hafiz is those most outgoing type … etc . He came online too and told me that he would not call today as he would me watching football . It was still ok until he told me that he would be messaging Yan Ping too , the girl who had a crush on him …. It was then …I blew up . I told him fine … he asked me … do you really have to be so possessive and added that he spends like 3 hours on me for the last 2 days .... Asking me that he can’t even have female friends … But for me … thing was ... if he was able to contact her and chat with his friends , then why was he not able to contact me then ? IF so , then what difference would it be then , from being his friend and his girlfriend ? I'm not mad at him messaging her and catching up with her ... but why won't he be calling when he have the time to catch up with his friends? I was also catching up with Enrique , and to tell the truth , I have though of asking him to meet up …. Even told him that if he needs a listening ear , I am willing to be one . Yup … I told him that … somehow , felt as if he’s my brother or something … finds him very easy to talk to and things like that . He even called me princess , as ( he told me ) nobody is talking up that place yet . Anyway , he called … I felt guilty , he told me that he was actually doing his S paper , and he even ended up NOT watching any soccer . Why can’t I trust him more … I don’t know … I’m trying , acting that I do not care … ok ok , I admit , I’m trying hard not to love him too much … but I can’t , I can’t live without him and that I felt insecure . Anyway , I asked him , if he’s serious in this relationship … was glad that he told me that he was … but it was only in the beginning , not now … kind of sad … but well … He also said things like we have no goal and things like that ….