Here are my feelings and thoughts after attending Empower U . Found out that Enrique is actually my Brother . Wow . Not bad , I'm lucky to have a Brother like him ... He's so kind , so outgoing . I find it very easy to talk to him . Guess what ! I managed to tell him about the subjects I'm taking without feeling sorry for myself or embrass ! To tell the truth , I find it hard at times to tell people that I've dropped subjects ... sometimes , I don't even feel like telling my Cell Group Members .... even though I've known them for almost 3 years . Enrique ? 3 DAYS and we were chatting as if we known each other for 3 years ... Haha .... I wonder how can I have any more negetavie thoughts when I have so many people to turn to when I'm face with problems . Anyway , Steve had sent me a message ... if there's anything , he would be there for me . So many people had told me that before .... All of them are the same .... But this time round , I beleive in him ( I believe in Ms Ong and Mr Goh too , but not ... Cell Group Members . Don't ask me why ! ) . Even though it was jsut a text message , I have faith in it ... Strange ... it's so strange and weird how things turn out . It's kind of funny too , arn't it ? I made silent promises to myself . I would forget him . I'm surprise that I don't miss him that much now ... I no longer longed for his' care and concern . I had been wrong . He never contect me and ask about my absent . Why ? All becasue I was dreaming .... We both won't end up together , and we won't have happy endings ... Period ! I'll no long think of him ... I'll no longer love him ! Another thing is that ... since I had a break through , I won't cry alone anymore ! Personally , I'm kind of surprise how things end up . Everytime Mr Goh talked to me about limting belief and having a break through , I always think differently from the REAL thing . Let me touch on limting belief first . At first , I though that it's just some kind of belief ... like , if you beleive that you can do it , you can . Period . Well , it's actually more then that . You have to be in your upmost state of emotions and don't ever tell yourself anything negetive . You have to capture it and anchor it as and when you need it ... It needs some practice and sooner or later , you would find yourself smiling and thinking positive .... You won't find it hard to anchor you upmost state . As for break through ... It never cross my mind that it have anything to do " with my name ( Mu ) " - Wood . I always though that it's something like , you suddenly get A1 for Maths and that's a breakthrough . Period .... I'm so wrong . Anyway , I had a break through few days ago . 2 days ago ... Yup . It's still fresh in my mind . Oh yes ! When I was breaking the board , it was Steve beside me . Yup ... and I believe that everything that had happened had come to an end ! Yup ... now I'm leading a new life ! I would look for people to talk to , and not keep it inside me anymore . Okay , I might need a lot of people to talk to .... Life is like a boat on the ocean ... sometimes there would be waves , other time , there would be billow . There would be tsumani , otherwise , the ocean would be clam . No matter how hard it is to get to my destination , I'm sure that there are halcyon to accompany me throughout my journey .

Okay , this is very very terrible ! 1162/01 and 1162/02 ... I don't know ... I was so lonely . Ai Hui never speak to me . Surprised ! It's Winston's Mum who spoke to me , asking me about the standard of the papers .... It's so strange how things turned out to be . So boring . Anyway , I just do my very best ... hopefully ... I went to National Junior Collage when dismissed . As usual , my dear Brother forgot to bring something .... What's new ? Haha ... anyway , I messaged a lot of people today ... Kai Xin , Diana and Li Hui ... Enrique and Steve too .... The latest thing is the Chinese GCE O Level paper . With so many people contecting me , I decided to stop by at the KFC inside Westmall . Mum came and joined me too . I was so busy chatting with Enrique that I never really pay any attation to her . Some clothes caught her eyes and she planned to buy it for Brother . As usual , she wanted to hear my opinion . Hehe , but I was chatting on the phone all the way while we both are inside the shop . Hm , surprise ! I found myself chatting with Enrique for over an hour ... Still haven beat His' record !

This is the last day of Empower U programe .... How it feels ? Sad ! Real sad ! Not because of the participant ( they were totally hopeless ) but is because of the two speakers , the dance , the fun , the laughter , the water gun ! We were asked to sit on the chair and the speaker talk ... wanting us to go back to the past .... it wasn't long before I hear nosies . People were crying .... fine . When the speaker asked the people to voice out , most of them talked about death . How so and so had left them ... and the memories and everything . Death .... pepople departing from us - either unexpected or due to illness .... Had I encountered it before ? I had , sadly so . It was then I remembered ... I recalled .... I was fast asleep on Mum's and Dad's bed . It was those king size bed and I was sleeping all along ... Suddenly , Mum woke me up and said , " Ah - Ma ( Dad's Mum ) had passed away in the morning while she was in the toilet . I'm bringing you to Lakeside Family Centre while I go over there . " Lakeside Family Centre is the place where Mum worked for as long as I can rememeber . I'm not scared or anything .... I remembered going home with Chong Ying's Mum at 6 pm that day . Chong Ying is that same age as me and she's my neighbour ... It's kind of convinence . I recalled that Mum sent someone to class and requested the teacher to dismiss me . I was only Primary 4 at that time , making Brother Primary 6 ... On that day , the 3 of us flaged down a taxi and we reached a void deck . And that's where my whole family hang around for the next 5 days . It was kind of boring . My Dad's Sister had a son who was one year younger then me , Wei Wei . For the next 5 days , Wei Wei , Brother and I spent our time playing poker cards - Bluff . When we were bored of it , we would go to the grass patch nearby . The adults would call us back as there were lots of red ants there . I still remember that time , I was wearing a white slippers . It was about an inch and it was new .... Sometimes , we would begged the older ones to bring us to the playground , or go shop .... That's all the experience I had about people leaving me suddenly . Another time when someone left me due to illness .... A few days had passed when Ah Ma's funeral ended , or maybe a week ? I don't know . I jsut konwo that both of them died few days apart ... It was at night . Mum was suppose to be out helping her Brother at his hawker stall . The phone rang and I answered it . It was Mum over at the another line . She was crying . It wasn't long before I knew that Mum's sisiter had finally lost her battle with the dreadful cancer virus . Brother and I went to the wake . I asked Brother if we were to miss School again . I had just returned back to class after Ah Ma's funeral , and , being young and navie , I thought that missing School was fun . Brother's respond was - I don't know . We even talked about where the wake should be . I said it would be at Cousin Hui Zhen's house . Brother said it would be at Uncle's house . I pointed out that Ah Ma's wake was at the eldest child house . Turn out that I was wrong .... We arn't suppose to stay overnight like what we did for Ah Ma ... And I was puzzled about that . Futhermore , there's those newspaper which would have family member's names when someone passed away . I had a look at it . My name wasn't pubilished when Mum's Sister died . But my name was publised when Ah Ma died ... It's so strange . Brother and I were having dinner at the wake . Suddenly an insect died on my plate of food ! I don't know how or why . But it was the fist time I experienced thses kind of thing .... I made use of the excuese that there's a dead fly in my food ... thus , I'm allowed to throw away food . All those refreshed memories made me weep ... It's the last day ... the performances day ! We were given some time to practice . None of the group members are suppotive ! I had to shout and everything but it was no use at all ! Those people are totally ... hopeless !!!! And so we performed . I was kind of nervous and I was thirsty .... I went to the back of the room and asked for a bottle of water , and my wish was granted by a nice - looking guy . Did I mention that I did pole dancing on the stage ? Well , I did , and I've made a name for myself ! Excellent , Mu Jie ! I don't know . It feels like some kind of accomplishment . I've finally get to do what I always longed to do ... act , dance ... Drama ! Haha ... Anyway , it was soon time to say good bye . Everyone exchanged handphone numbers , e-mail addresses . There's photo taking too . Too bad , I never bring any camera . But hey ! That nice - looking guy who gave me a bottle of water just now have a camera ! He helped me took lots of photos and he even promised to sent to me ! He's name is Enrique ... hehe . There's another guy whom I've met ... Steve !

Okay , here I am , for my second day of Empower U Program . We were spilt into different groups ... there's monkeys , donkeys , cows ... etc . I was in the Monkey group . Really sad that Pris wasn't in the same group as me . She was in some other group ... Cows , I think . Anyway , really sad about this Monkey group . All the guys arn't that Empower . We were supposed to perform tomorrow . As usual , it's like some kind of camp , the only different was that there wasn't any campfire . Okay , anyway , we asked them if they have any ideas , all of them are either mute or deaf ! I was trying hard to break away from my old self , step out of my comfort zone and experience fear ... I tried hard , knocking my head on the wall thinking about ideas that would lead my team in becoming the champions . Really sad , I failed to do so . There's some changing of state thingy . People would change their state and is able to carry somebody . We were told to practice it . As usual , I was the first gunie pig . Nevertheless , it's nice to know that you are able to change your state ..... Anyway , we had some wood breaking thingy tonight . We wrote all the positive things on one side , negative things on another side . We would break the board with our own hands .... It was such fun .... Break through ! Yeah yeah yeah ! I'll never forget this day ! I'm so happy and everything . Never had such a feeling liek this before .... How should I explain ? Okay . I feel as if I am able to aim higher for my grades . So what if I'm last in class ? Who cares ? Who give a damn ? I won't be the last for O level ! Who knows , maybe I am able to get into a Junior Collage ! Before we were dismissed , we were to think about the future .... I pictured myself on a boat , with my love . The sun was coming out . It's a brand new day ! I saw the sun ... it's such a beauty . Shining , warming up the world . Spreading it's warmth to everyone . My love is beside me . Hugging me , giving me a kind of warmth no one had given me before . Picture perfect ! After that , we were to hug 5 other people and to tell them what we pictured . I was standing alone ... and there's this guy , who was also alone ... he came forward to me and we exchanged our dreams . We both hugged each other next . Wow ... The hug which that guy had given was real and ncie , strong and powerful ! I went back home after all those games and learnings . Surprise , when I lie on my bed , I wasn't feeling tired . Instead , I get up from my bed and began writing scripts for tomorow performances .... I wasn't sleepy or anything , instead , I was doing somethign for my group .... That feeling is kind of nice , as if I'm of some use .

Early in the morning , I sort of knew that things would go wrong , very wrong . Mum shouted at me all because she tried in vain to wake me up . It's not my fault , rigth ?! Nevertheless , I don't have any nightmares ! I changed and sat down on the dinning table to eat when Mum instructed , " Dad would pick you up at kallang . " " Don't need . " " Why don't need ? It ends at 9.30 pm , right ?! " " So !? There's so many people going ! " Mum went inside her bedroom while Brother was about to leave the house . " Bye " , Brother said . I never reply him . I was very angry .He can go out till 1 , 2 am and he can even board a cab ( with Mum paying the bills ) home . Sometimes , he even infrom Mum at the last minute ! She had planned it long ago . She knew that I would be home by 11 pm . It's so totally unfair ! I hate all of you ! I grabbed my Handphone and left the house with Dad . I was wearing my shoe when Dad asked me , " Today , Mum told me to pick you up ... at what time ? " " Don't need . She this type of people .... " " She cares about you , worry for you , that's all . " Dad said . SHUT UP ! SHUT UP ! I HATE ALL OF YOU , EVERYONE OF YOU ! Even Dad was speaking up for Mum ! Can't she stop spoiling my night out !? She's always spoiling my plan , that's all I know ! During School , Ms Ong got to go down to get some holiday homework for 4e6 . I sat with Mei Qi , Hui Min and Ai Hui and we played soem number games . Ms Ong came back and we spilted . We arranged the tables and chairs and Ms Ong wants us to do some self - reflection . She wants us to write down things which we wants to do during the holidays ... got out with Church friends ? Nah , don't care about that , even though I think that I am the only Christian who goes to church from the class . The thing was ... Ms Ong talked about it ... The past .... Why can't the past just die ?! No ! I can't be weak ! I can't let it control me ! I WON'T LET THE DEVIL CONTROL ME ! I should have told Ms Ong about it yesterday when I have the chance to . Why am I holding back ? And yet , not a tear drop . Don't I feel guilty or anything ?! Have my heart harden and turned black ?! Argh ! Since when had I became weak in such stuffs ? Since when had I became so sensentive towards such stuffs ? How I wish that everyone would just shut up ! Why is it that every last term day is a bad day ? Stupid past ! I shall look into the future ! Ms Ong called a few of them for step , Ai Hui was one of the choosen one ... Ai Hui , Mei Qi and Hui Min contuined playing the number games , and the number of players increased . Hm , so , Ms Ong talked to me yesterday is all becasue both of us were free yesterday ... nothing much , nothing special .... And now , I'm thinking ... thank God that I never betray my real inner self . Lucky I never show my real self ... Lucky I never tell her about what she said this morning ... even though I know I should ... I've got nothing to do . I don't even feel like reading my novel even though I've wrote inside my reflection that I want to catch up with my reading during the Holidays . I spent the Recess all alone . Li Xin did walked past and she was kind enough to smile at me . I smiled back to acknowledge it . I saw Ms Ong walked inside the General Office . I was Mrs Greval walked out from the General Office , with Ms Ong behind her . Mrs Greval did smiled at me too . Zhi Hui and I went down to carry the brown in colour book with every students in Yu Hua should be familar with - Report Book . Well , we got to go from some talk after that and we returned back to class . Blah Blah Blah . I got back my result slip and had a look .... Pathetic ! I always though I would be the last in class last year , but it turned out that I was wrong . I have more fath this year , but it turned out that I AM the last in class this year ! Well , how it feels ? What me feelings is like ?! I don't know , and serious , I arn't have any idea ! I put my head on the table . Serious , there's nothing much to look at . There's a tree right in front of me , it was grown inside the School Garden ... Garden .... Hoe I wish I am as capable as Bear ... teleport there .... and cry out everyhting . ( Sorry , the " teleport " thingy is between my Brother and I . ) Ms Ong was blovking my view . One of my classmate was digging out his past year result slips for Ms Ong to photocopy ... Argh ! I turned my head and changed my view . But I don't feel like puttign my head on the table . I sat upright and built sandcastle in the air . Suddenly , Ms Ong waved her hand at me and asked me something which I lied responding to her . She took my Report Book and had a glance . School was dismissed soon . No one spoke to me . I went home . Mum was asleep . I went into my room . I tried SO hard not to cry , I only weeped . I though I had improved ... and would ahve a breakthrough .... that's what Mr Goh said ... Haiz . I went for Dental . I had X - ray . Wel, I was so very clumsy ! Just like a bull in a China shop . I knocked into so many things , I made the instrument dropped onto the floor . Haha . Anyway , I boarded the train to the Kallang MRT and took a cab to the Indoor Stadium . It was the Empower U progam . We played some games . To tell the truth , I really enjoyed it . I've forgotten all about my worries and everything ! It was so fun ... and it made me so tired ... Dad only meet me at the bus stop instead of at the MRT Station .

Argh ! I had nightmares again !!!!!!!! I don't know ! I'm so scard ! It's like ........ I don't know ! Argh ! I'm totally lost ! So frighten ! You know what !? I dremt that .... I GAVE BIRTH !!!!!!!! I GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY ! Foo Long Brother gave me a NEEDLE to cut the Baby's belly button ! You know how I gave birth ?! It's like .... PERIODS ! I was sitting down , for dinner , for a meal , when ... * POP * There's the Baby ! Then , after Foo Long Brother passed me the needle , Mum came and helped me to cut the Baby's belly button ! Nobody in School knows that I'm pregent because I wore a very very loose School Uniform ..... As you know , Foo Long Brother is Cousin Hui Ying's husband , and Cousin Hui Ying had just given birth . Okay , for today .... I went to School and asked Ai Hui what's the Time Table like for today . She replied something like .... after 10 am go Science Centre . She repeated it for 3 , THREE times ! WHO CARES IF SHE GOES TO SCIENCE CENTRE OR H**L ?! Ended up , Mei Qi told me the full Time Table ...... Well , only those taking Pure Physics would be going to Science Centre .......... During Chinese , Ai Hui sat with Mei Qi and Hui Min . But Teacher needed the OPH and so , Hui Min sat at another place . I sat alone . During English , when our English Teacher relized that most of us are going to Science Centre , she asked whoes NOT going . " Mu Jie , Sharon , Man Ling , Jin Hua , Han Chuan . " Ai Hui replied . Do I need to be the first to be mentioned ?! They finally left and I ALMOST cried .... I felt so lonely ! Almost the whole class left . Even those who take Combine Science left too . There's only Man Ling , Sharon and I . I read my novel in the foyer during recess . This time round , Ms Ong never walk by . I was messenging to Kai Xin too . Yup ... I brought my Handphone to School once again ... I was trying to hint to her ...... Haiz .... After recess , it's Physics . Mr Khor was busy , futhermore , the attendence was 3 out of 13 . So , he left the 3 of us in the classroom and went to do his work . Well , I contuined reading and felt very very tired . Therefore , I slept . When I woke up , I went to the restroom at once to wash my face . Gee .... I brought work to do and everything . I should not anyhow waste my time ! I was walking pass 4E6 classroom when I bumped into Ms Ong . She asked about something and I remembered telling her that there's only 3 of us around . We went down to the General Office . Ms Ong needed my help to do something . Turn out the the papers arn't printed or something . Ms Ong and I went back to the classroom . She wants me to pack my things and go to 4E6 classroom . We parted at my classroom ( since it was nearer to the stairs ) and her last words were , " We'll do Step . " I went to 4e6 and Ms Ong and I talked ....... We talked about alot of things .... Ms Ong even went all the way do to the Teacher's Office to get something for me . It's something which she should not tell me . At least , not yet .... I was talking when suddenly a 4E6 pupil came out , wanting to look for Ms Ong . Well , I was seated by the door and could not see the classroom , thus , never see the pupil apporaching . Ms Ong signaled me to stop talking .... Well , anyway , no matter how trueful I was to her , I was still hiding something . The " dark " part of me ... Ms Ong still don't know yet , even though I've got the courage and told her 2 of my " pasts " . Mr Goh messaged me too ... Hehe , sometimes , it's very weird . Ms Ong don't look for me , Mr Goh won't message me . If Ms Ong chat with me , Mr Goh would message me at night .

It rained so hard this morning . It was freezing cold . Dad helped me hold the umbrella . But it seemed no use at all . I was drenched totally from head to toe . I was freezing .... You know , I always take the long lonely route to School . You just need to walk straight , straight and straight . The wind was blowing directly from the opposite direction . I was so cold .... so very very cold ! When I finally reached School .... I can't be happier ! I was very very wet . My skirt have two different shades . One darker , one lighter . The worst thing was that , I used a sling bag and I had carried it in a way that the bag is infront of me , thus , blocking the centre part of my skirt from the rain . The lower part of my skirt , which was not blocked by my sling bag , was drenched by the rain . It was darker ... During Chemistry , Ms Ong came into the class and said , " Mu Jie , come , help me . " I helped her to arrange some Secondary 2 worksheets . But ended up , everyone helped Ms Ong . During recess , I heard someone said , " Hey , let's go ! " Ai Hui , Hui Min and Hui Ming . One of the girl said that . Then , Mei Qi asked , " Where you all going ? " " Somewhere . Wanna join ? " I left the classroom . I sat all alone in the foyer . Ms Ong suddenly appeared and asked , " Never eat ? No money ? " " Huh .... nah ... nope ... " Ms Ong asked about the Bear Bookmark I brought last Sunday . She commented that it's very nice . Ai Hui and Mei Qi walked pass me . They were trying to find some Harmonica Band Members . After recess , I played " Murder " with the rest of the class . I'm always the police , otherwise , the victim . Some of us played barefooted . Well , the rain soaked our socks . It was very damp and uncomfortable . I took off my socks too . Well ... it's kind of fun to play barefooted . Hehe ... For Ace today ........ I saw Ms Ong standing at the door , but she never come in . Never ! Maybe .. because she's early and no Teachers reached the hall yet ? Well , I don't know . There's only the Secondary 4s around . The Secondary 3s went for some camp ..... Aces ... It's like last week ..... I just wished that He's around ....... With Him around .... everything would be fine . He understand how it feels like ... Or maybe , he's used to it ? Well , I'm still not use to it ..... Those Aces topics .... It's very very ....... I don't know how to say it ..... Haiz ..... Maybe ... Maybe ... I would feel so much better if Ms Ong DID come inside the Hall ? I don't know ......... Well , who cares anyway !

This is getting scarier......... It is .... I don't know .... I have had nightmares again ..... I don't know .... But now , it's worst ..... I peed on the bed ! Yes ! Me , 15 , going to 16 .... urined on the bed ! Yar , right ... Laught all you want ! I was so so scared ! What happened ?! I don't know . It's a very very very bad omen ! It's scaredy ! Frightening ! Horror ! I hung around with Ai Hui during recess today . At first , Ai Hui and I , with some other classmates walked down to the centeen . But when they turned , and went INSIDE the centeen , Ai Hui told them that she's not joining them . We both sat at the foyer and talked about dental . Serious , I am looking forward to this Friday . Not only because I would be taking out my braces it's because of the ........ Empower U program ... I wonder how it's like . But I have a feeling that I am going to like it . Nevertheless , I wish that I am able to meet someone at the MRT station and go to the Indoor Stadium together ........

It's boring at home . Dad and I went down for some tea at the McDonals' . I don't know . But it had been some time since Dad brought me out to eat ..... Dad loves going out for Tea Breaks ..... He used to bring Brother and I out for Tea Breaks ....... Li Hui called me . Hehe ... at least I'm not forgtten as I thought I would be . Dad and I went out to the Hawker Centre for Dinner . Oh .... My Handphone .. " 1 message received . " " Your caller ID had been actived " Yeah ! Haha ..... Finally my wish came true !!!!!!!

Pris and I ate with the rest for lunch . It's so weird . We just joined them , not taking to each others and we just left after eatting .... Anyway , I've learnt something new about " Eyes " today . It's so interesting .... I really love it .... I've learnt a lot of things from every lesson I attented . Mum called me up and she wanted to meet me . We both went shopping next . We went to the " Times Bookshop " and I saw this cute little Bear Bookmark and I brought it at once ! Me and my Bear again ... But it's worth it ! Victor messaged me , catching up with me . Nevertheless , I guess he messaged the wrong person .... Well .... But when I ask him something ... he simply refuse to tell me !!!!!!!! Argh !

Well ..... I went with Mum to Cousin Hui Ying's house to use the computer ! Yeah ! It was so wonderful to be online once again ! But ... it was in the afternoon and so .... nothing much .... Nobody's online . Nevertheless , something happened to the net .... I tried to go to some webpage but it failed to load the page .... Argh ..... So , ended up sleeping and by the time I woke up , it was dinner time . Mum and I had our dinner together with Cousin .... We went home after that ...... Him . 210505 , 024445 . Her . 200505 , 035306 .

I woke up and suddenly kicked my boster on the floor . Guess I must have had another nightmare . I went to School and saw Wei Wen doing the Portfolio . I asked Ai Hui if there is any Maths Lessons today . " No . Can't you memorise the Time Table ?! " She started showing off her knowledge of our Time Table of the day . " Hey , can you sit with me during Chinese ? " I begged . " No ! " She rejected the offer at once . " I never bing the papers ? " " Then you sit there and listen ! " I can't be bothered to argue with someone who is not interest to help me at all . When we reached the classroom , I looked back .... thinking that Li Xin would be able to help me .... Alas ! She was absent today ! We did some compo during Chinese . Ai Hui sat behind me and helped me with those words which I know how to use yet don't know how to write . " Mu Jie , can you lent me correction tape or liquid paper ? " Ai Hui asked . I handed her my correction tape . " Um .... sorry . I prefer liquid paper . " " Next time , you ask from your Him . " I teased her . Chemistry was next . " Um , Ai Hui , can you help me to bring my things down to the lab ? I want to go to the tolite . " " No . You bring yourself . " FINE ! I dumped my things at the lab and asked permission from Ms Ong before running to the loo . When I came back , Ms Ong had already started teaching . She was on a topic called , " Organic Chemistry , " which I knew nothing about it . We went back for English . We were supposed to edit our Mid Year Exam Papers . Devi helped Ai Hui while I just sat there and daydream as I forgotten to bring my answer script . Devi left during Recess and I helped Ai Hui with her editing . I gave her all my best and almost cracked my head on the wall thinking for a better sentence structure ....... After helping her with English , we contuined doing our Chinese Compo . It was still recess and we had lots of time . " Ai Hui , can you help me ? " I asked . " Okay , Only 1 word . The rest ask Jocelyn . " I was asking Jocelyn when Ai Hui came and asked me , " Um , can lent me correction tape ? " " No . " " Liquid paper ? " " No . " " I know ..... self service ....... " She went to my pencil box and took it . Recess was over and it was Chinese again . Ai Hui sat with Tian Tian , Zhi Hui , Mei Qi and Jocelyn . I asked her to sit with me but she turned down my offer with a wave of her hand . So , I sat there all alone and copied the answers on a piece of foolscape .... Some time later , I realized that Teacher was teaching abother paper which I have it with me ! Ai Hui was called out to the front to read some passage during Literature and we were dismissed after that . I went home , wanting to spent my afternoon mugging for Chinese . I switched on my Handphone and realized someone had called me . The number was very very familar ..... It was Lydia . I called her back and she wanted to meet me in Yuhua Secondary School . She wanted to buy some files and have lunch . I agreed . It was still early and I was at home . I actually decided to skip lunch and start mugging for Chinese . Whatever . It's not ideal to miss lunch . I was on my way when I saw 4 Hello Kitty toys which I brought it at once . Ate with Lydia , Yvonne and Yu Quan and I treated them Bubble Tea after that. I went home , bathed and started mugging . Mum was not home yet . She finally got home after some shopping . I saw the " bug kill shelf paper " and told her that she brought the wrong thing . She wanted the crocoraches kill type . I started exploring what she brought whereas she went into the kitchen for a drink . " Tonight you have tuition ? " She asked . " Nope . " I answered . " Why you always don't want tuition ? If you so good , what grades you get ? " " How I know ?! " I shouted , " You think I only take one subject ? I got to study for Chinese okay ! " " Do you know that you have O Level ? " " Chinese is also O Level ! " " You had improved but still not good enough ! People studied from Combine Science to Pure Science ; and your maths ! Everythime I ask you , you always answer don't know . " " I'm not the only one ( who dropped to Combine Science ) ! " It's all because of your this type of attitude that's why I don't want to tell you anything . Brother's the same , he also don't tell you anything ! " If you so good , you get A1 for Chinese ! " I cried and cried and cried . I don't want to study anymore ! I don't want to ! What I've said is true ! Mum don't know that Brother sat for his Higher Chinese Paper till Cousin Hui Ying called and asked about Brother's result ! Everytime people asked me about my subjects , I told them that I've dropped to Combine Science , with pride and honour ! Not embrassment ! And yet .... You call this " Mum " ? I already know that my Chinese is not good , that's why I'm coming back home early everyday to revise . Futhermore , I'm learning the Chinese Spellings . I am determined to score well and don't wish to retake it in October / November ! I had even stopped using Computer , not that it can be used . I can always blog or listen to music or read my dear novels ! Mum's there blamming me for everything ! You think I really like the feeling ? Telling people that I dropped ? Not knowing if they are looking down on me ? Well , even my own Mum looks down on me , what more do I had to say about others ? I don't feel like studying anymore ! I don't want to work double hard anymore ! What's the use anyway ? No one's encouraging me . Well , I can pass , what's the big deal ? Me passing my Chinese O Level is already a miracle for Mum , so what for I work hard , aiming for my B or A ? I might as well hit the novels now ! Do something I prefer doing . You think I love staying up doing Chinese every afternoon when I can easily have a nap !? You think I like studying till 11 pm everyday when I can easily decorate my room ? I had even stopped clearing my room ! I just dumped everything onto 1 of my table so that I can have another CLEAN table to work ! Worst come to worst , I'll retake my CHinese some other time ! Not like I'll be the only one retaking . I read the " bug kill shelf paper " . It's poisons . Maybe ..... maybe ... Haha ... Nah ! That'll means that I'm giving in to my Mum ! Letting her mock and discrinamte me ! I won't fall down that easily ! I , Liew Mu Jie , won't fall down that easily ! Even if I fell , I would stand up and carry on running ! I'll throw my result slip at her face and show her what her real daughter is capable of achiving ! I shall vent all my anger and hurt into striving for a better grade ! Improvements ! No one is able to make me change my mind ! I'm all set and ready to go .... I won't need to retake any subjects ever again ! If people like Ai Hui , Lee Zhen , Meiqi ... etc ... are able to score A1 , I won't loose to them ! I can do it too ! YES I CAN ! Now , Mum , just go away and be your own wet blanket ! Don't bother me . I've got better things to do . There's so much I've yet to achive !!!!!!!

It's a little boring today . There was the Career Awareness talk .... Hm , nothing much as I have already know what I want . Therefore , learnt two things today . The first thing was that I know what I'm aiming for and the second thing was that , at last I've settle down for a goal !

Chinese , Chemistry then recess .... Hui Ming and Ai Hui were walking out of the classroom and they were talking about , " Let's contuinue the story " or something . I asked Ai Hui , " You guys talked about what ? " " Huh ... nothing . " She replied . Okay ... that says it all .... I'm outcast right !? I ended up reading my novel in the foyer or somewhere . After that , there was Class Photo Taking .... Hehe .... nothing much ... but Wei Wen really brought an unbralle for the photos !!!!! I hang around with Mei Qi , Angie , Darrick , Wei Wen , Han Chuan , Jacky , Winston .... etc ... after School .

During Flag Raising , Ms Ong came and asked me what's the colour of my shoe . I never do PE today , once again . I sat down and did my work while watching others play badminton . We were on the way back to classroom when Mr Koh ( who was walking the same direction as us ) asked , " Mu Jie , want to go ITE ? " " Huh .... no .... " "If Ai Hui go , she would be the top scholar . " Blah blah blah .... Finally climbed up the 3 stories staris when I was Ms Ong came out of 4E6 . " Mu Jie , you alright or not ? " " Yes " As fine as someone who had failed to perform again . " Then why break School Rules ? " " HUH ?! " Hey Ms Ong , Mu Jie is an expert in breaking the School Rules , don't you know ?! Haha .... Ms Ong wanted to see those Combine Science Pupils after School . It was our grades thingy .... I had a looked .... Chemistry MCQ 17/20 .... Hm , 70 % ... WELL DONE , MU JIE ! But wait ..... Don't be too happy yet ... Physics .... 7 or 9 / 20 !??? What the ... Who cares ... Overall , I got a B4 for my Chemistry ! Yeah ..... But .... alas ... Which 3 question did I answered wrongly ?! What if it's careless , like my Paper 2 !? Oh .... what if I did not make any careless mistakes in Paper 2 ?! I would ahve gotten a B3 ! Argh ! I was longing for some KFC treats and so I went to order take away after School . Before that , I don't know why , I decided to take the longer route to the KFC . Hey , I saw that " Joy Luck Club " novel and I brought it ! Brother never come back for Dinner and so , I asked Dad to buy for me .

It's the worst day ever ... it's so simailr to last year .... But hey ! I never break down like what I did last year ... it was in front of Mr Goh somemore ! I remembered it just like yesterday . The day didn't start well for me . I woke up from a very very bad dream ! The dream was so real .... so very real . I dreamt that I've failed my Chemistry ! And I was crying and everything ...... as if everything had ended for me ..... It was so real and so scarey ! The next thing I knew was that I HAD TO leaped out of my bed and shut the window . It was raining so hard with thunder and everything . The force of the wind was so strong that I have difficuilities closing the window ! I felt so scared . It rained ! I have not even received back my papers and angles from heaven were crying for me already ! Do you know how scary it was ?!!!!!!! Brother don't need to go School today . I woke him up and he shoke my hand , wishing me " Good luck . " I went to School . The very first period was .... What else .... Chemistry . Ms Ong took her own sweet time giving back the Pure Chemistry Papers .... and told the Combine Science students that the MCQ arn't out yet .... I got back my Science Paper 3 . The paper smacked right at my face , as if mocking me .... throwing me off . I wasn't prepared for such a result ! C6 ! Holy .... Excellent ! Futhermore , there was one question ..... a " so very difficult " question ... Isotope ......... Know what's my answer ?! A very excellent answer .... Isotope are elements which have the same number of protens and different number of electrons ! Excellent me .... Spendid ! What more can I say !? Brother taught me about that DAMN isotope before ! And I still can get it wrong ! DAMN IT ! I felt as if I've let everyone down ... I never really though that this day would come .... where I would finally let Brother down . I never see any connections between my studies and Brother . Okay .... I mean ... I mean .... as in ... I never thought that I am able to let Brother down with just one STUPID IDOITIC ISOTOPE QUESTION ! What about Ms Ong ?! What more can I say !? I even thought of Ms Ong telling me , " Well done , Mu Jie ! " Mr Goh told me to think about the words Ms Ong would tell me when I scored well for her Chemistry ..... Everytime I wonder how much I've scored for my Chemistry , I would use Mr Goh method and assured myself by saying ," Don't worry . Ms Ong would surely tell you the words you longed to hear . " WHAT HAD I DONE ?! There were 2 Moles questions ... I KNEW HOW TO DO ! JUST THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN TO CONVERT IT INTO DM3 ! One of the question was 2 marks , another was 3 ! The Isotope question costed me 1 mark .... SIX MARKS GONE ! JUST LIKE THAT ! I saw Ai Hui , walking towards the Teacher's Table , where Ms Ong was . She wants to ask Ms Ong some question , I believe . I went towards her and asked her about her grades . She refused to tell me ! HER SCRIPT WAS ON HER HAND AND SHE TOLD ME SHE DON'T KNOW HER MARKS ! WHAT'S THERE TO HOLD BACK !? SURELY SHE WOULD SCORE BETTER THEN ME ! Futhermore , when Ms Ong announced those pupils whom she's pleased with , I heard Ai Hui's name loud and clear ! Well , of couse , there wasn't my name .... C6 ... what do you expect , Mu Jie ?! Make others happy with a C6 ?! I myself don't even have the face to face others ! I only felt like breaking down .... I just fell like crying .... There are times when one would feel like this . Weak . Not strong . Don't need to put up a strong front for others to see .... I wish that I don't have the need to hold back my tears ..... I just wish to cry .... It was then I " heard " Brother's words . I can't break down yet . At least , not now . I still have a long race to run ! Yes , I've fell , but I can always stand up again and run the race again , and win others ! I've got no comments about English too .... I've got nothing to say .... Same goes for Chinese ...... And Liturature ..... And Geography .... And Physics ...... I hung around with Hui Ming , Hui Min and Ai Hui during recess .... They were all talking and talking and walking all around in the School Compound ! I just wish to sit down at some place and read my novel ! I went down for Second recess and Ai Hui came down some time after me . She came and started talking . Seems that everyone's Physics was badly done . I was argueing with Ai Hui and almost broke down . I got a grip on myself and , hey ! I never cry ! Sometimes , quarrling with friends sure helps . English Prelim Oral was next . Everyone was dicussing which Teacher would be around , which Teacher would take which class ... It was soon my turn . I read the passage aloud . The picture thingy .... The Teacher pointed to me the wrong lady and I described wrongly . Who cares ?! " Which country had you been to ? " " Austraila . It was my very first time overseas on a Educational Tour with my Schoolmates without any parents . " " What had you learnt over there . What you do over there ? " " I was on a educational tour , of couse I've learnt a lot of things . Like , how to matain a farm ( it was a pure lie ) , about the whales , and how the wines were made . ( it's a lie too ) " " What's the most momorable thing which happened over there ? " " Hm , there was a night when I went to a boy's room with my girlfriends . We were caught and scolded . It was so funny that night . " The Teacher laughted .... ???? " If you were able to go to a country , which country would it be ? " " Um , an English speaking country , or one of the Seven Wonders of the World . " " If it's the Seven Wonders of the World , which one would it be ? " " The Great Wall of China . I had read books about it . It's history interested me a lot . It was built over thousand of years by serval people . I wished to climb it myself one day . " I lied again . " Okay , thank you . " " Thanks .... " I hung around with Ai Hui and Mei Qi in the foyer . Angie came and joined us . We talked about the English Oral and went to buy Bubble Tea after that . Everything was alright . I went to have a nap from about 4 pm to 7.30 pm . I was clearing my room and had forgotten all about my results until Li Hui called me ! She asked me about my resutls ... Blah blah blah ... Li Hui also told me that , my name was reflected on the Spirtual Diary , under the " GCE O Level Chinese " . I stayed by Brother's bedside and played with him . Even though neither of us talked about educational .... somehow , the feeling of letting Brother down was gone .

I bumped into Leo in the morning . He came up to me for a chat .... Both our parents were around and , well ... ladies .... they began talking . Leo and I talked ... He's a nice guy , Leo . I began to wonder , the class is wonderful ..... I should have become their friends . We spilt into teams .... I ended up with Hou Shun , Clement .... etc .... Well .... I kept my mouth shut ..... Expect when it is my turn to talk . We got to say 3 things about us . Well .... I was wondering if Jeff know Hou Shun ? They're from the same school .... Pris was not in my team ... So sad ......... Well , anyway ..... we went to the MRT . Leo was there again .... I wanted to go and contuine our conversation this morning , but I decided against it .... Clement and other guys came and the boarded the same direction train as me . Clement even smiled to anknowledge me ... But alas ! The train was full and I can't get it ! Argh ! What is this !

Diana and Kai Xin would be going to Orchard today and they invited me .... I ended up going with Mum for NJC Collage Day . There were performances and everything .... I loved the choir , the band , the everything ! Oh .. especially the Chinese Dance . Hm , the dance was titled " Cats " . Well , all the dance movements represents the title ! It's not wonder they scored so high in the Singapore Youth Festival ! Everything was wonderful . Mum and I even saw Brother ..... Hehe .......

It was easy today . Science and Geography Paper 1 ..... I guess it went well .... Should be .... Must be .... Before the start of Geography Paper , I was lying my head on the table .... My tummy hurts ! Well .... yes .... That time of the month ....... Ai Hui squat beside me . She knew that something was not right . " Argh ....... come that one ..... " We went to a classroom to collect back our Emath Papers .... C5 for Paper 2 , C6 for Paper 1 .... Mr Koh said , " Mu Jie got C6 .... improved by 4 grades . " Wei Wen said , " Hey clap ! " But no one did .... NO ONE CLAP ! And so .... we did the corrections and everything ....... Mei Qi and Ai Hui waited for me to go for lunch with them . Well , their correction were lesser then mine , of couse . Thus , they did finish their work eariler then me . But I told them that I would not be joining them .

Nothing happened today ..... I was inside the Masterbed room and was flipping through Mum's things when I saw the letter which I gave her last Monday ( http://mujie.blogspot.com/2005/05/caught-red-handed-in-action.html ) She replied .... But why did she not let me read it ? Instead , why did she kept it inside her room !?

I woke up at the same time I am used to . I bathed and began revising Pure Geography . I was late ! Ms Ong was giving out the papers already ! I was given the question paper and I began reading the questions . I thought that the exam had started . Ms Ong walked by again and said , " Don't open yet . " I was like .... Haiz ... Some time later , Ms Ong asked who don't have the papers - Foolscape , Map and Question Paper . I don't have the foolscape and I raised up my hand . Ms Ong came to me while others starded doing the questions . She asked why was I late and I told her that I came form my house .... Haha .... Wow .... The paper finally ended . The questions were phrased in a very very weird way .... Haiz ..... I went with Mei Qi and Ai Hui to have lunch . We decided to play badminton . Haha ..... We went up Ai Hui's house to get the rackets and everything .... We were on our way down when Mei Qi asked , " How about Mu Jie ? " There were only 2 badminton rackets ... " Um ... I don't play .............. "

Ms Ong walked down the row with a paper on her hand . She told Devi that she got D7 for Chemistry . Ms Ong never come to me ..... I was like ..... Ms Ong , did you miss anyone out ?! E Mathematics 2 and Social Studies today .... I have no mood to tackle the questions ! I kept on wondering about my Maths .... I must really score for this paper ! If not ..... I don't know .... It felt so strange that Ms Ong never come up to me ..... Hm .... of couse , I never get a D7 .... I got a F9 right ?! I know .... I know .... I understand .... I know where my standard is ......... Haiz .............

English Teacher stood beside me while I was doing my English Paper 2 .... It's so scary ! I don't have enough time .... Never edit .... so I guess must have lots of grammer errors ..... Physics Paper was next ..... Those two pupils , lover birds , infornt of me was cheating ! Right in front of my eyes and yet no one notice it ! Futhermore , they were cheating on a question which I don't know how to do ! I was struggling and that pupil was copying answer ! I totally lost it all ! First , my Maths .... then now Physics ?! What is this !? I went with Mei Qi to Ai Hui's house . We played computer games .... I was on my way home when I realized that Mum don't have her keys today ! I ran all tha way home and Mum scolded me . I left her a note , telling her that I enjoyed the ALW course ........

Okay , this is the day .... I woke up and left with Mum . It was raining heavly .... Futhermore , Mum and I can't find the place ! We took the wrong turn .... and opps .... We got to U - turn back . Now , I had made up my mind .... I am NOT going to open up and make any friends ! I simply hate it ! I have the feeling of being hostile towards them . I don't want to open up and know them ! I don't want to make any friends over there ! I was late for the lesson .... We went to the creative zone and we have to pair up .... A girl , Pris , came over and joined me . We did the usual stuff . Introduction . I was wondering , should I call myself Moon Jie or Mysterious Jie ?! I ended up introuducing myself as Moon Jie . Moon . Like the dark .... where wearwolves come out , vamparies and all sort , looking for foods . I switched on my Handphone during lunch break and Mr Koh messaged me .... " You did badly . " " How much did I get ? " " Can't say . " What is this ?! I'm so scared ! Did I failed ?! If I did .... how about my E Math Paper 2 ?! I went with Pris to the Food Court for lunch . Mum was around .... We have an hour of break and we have spare time after our lunch , so Pris and I went to the Centrepoint and joined the rest . Overall , the class is quite good . I learnt something over there . I called Brother when the class was dismissed . He had went with the rest to Jurong Point .... I wonder where my Cell Group went for Fellowship today ? Mr Koh messaged again .... he said that about 10 of us boderline passes ....

Okay ... so , the battle for today is Chinese . There were alot of commotions after the Paper 1 . The instrustions were not clear .... Not enough time for me .... I don't know . I never give any views of mine when they talked ..... Paper 2 was next ... It rained when I was about to finish the paper ... The wind was wonderful ... It was like I'm at the sea ... with the sea breeze and everything .... Wonderful .... Heavenly ...... I wrote full whole page for the last section .... Mr Khor asked me to stay back again .... only a few of us .... He taught us past year papers .... Okay , now I understand something more .... Ms Ong went home with Mdm Peng and they walked past us ...

My first battle for this day was E Mathematics 1 . I don't know what I was doing ! Mr Koh hinted us the answer and yet ?!!!!!!! My second battle was Science - Physics / Chemistry 3 . Argh ! There was no Acid Bases and Salt question ! Okay , even if have , I won't recongise it .... Haiz .... There was Physics Lesson after the battle .... I was about to go home when Mr Khor said , " Um , Mujie , you stay back . " I waited for Mr Khor to finish talking to the guys and I asked him some questions ! YEAH ! Finally ! I understand ! Mum brough me some food for lunch . Kai Xin talked to me online , and it's the same old thing , I would be there for you ..... I was online again and he was online too ! I sent him a file and he asked me " What's that ? " I assured him that it's not virus and he gave me a face . The battle for tomorrow is Chinese .... NO KID ! NO FEAR !

Okay , the very first battle began . My emeny was the English Paper 1 . While I was fighting the battle , my commander stood beside me and looked at my skills . " Did I wrote something wrong ? Were my tenses , spelling ... etc ... etc correct ? " I wondered . The next battle was Elective Literature . I wrote for about , 2 and a half pages . It should be long enough to please my marker . Section A was about , " I'm the King of the Castle " . There was a poem and a passage from " The Joy Luck Club . " for Section B . I did " The Joy Luck Club " . Brother , it's the book you've introuded me . Of couse I answered that questions . Mum brought Westen Food for me in the afternoon . Li Hui Sister messaged me , encouraging me for my Exams . Hehe ..... I was online and he was online too . WE BOTH CHATTED ! He claimed that he was busy , so I bid him Good Bye . Good Bye .... It sounded forever ...... I slept with a smile on my face ...... At least he replied me ! What more am I looking for ? Oh my ! It's the first time I never manage to revise finish my Science !

I asked a number of questions during the Geography period . It was quite boring as I was sitting all alone without anyone together with me . Ai Hui was sitting together with Mei Qi and I wasn't invited to join in . Therefore , I never ..... Haiz ... Maybe , because of the loneness , my mood darken ? I don't know . After Gergraphy , it was PE . I walked down the stairs with Hazle and saw Ai Hui , she immediately apologised to me for forgetting all about me . I asked , " Is that something new ? " Oh my ! What was I thinking !? What was I doing ?! I regreatted all at once for rebuking her .... I hoped that Ai Hui understands ...... I don't know what caused me to have such terrible attitude problem .... Maybe because of the upcoming Exams ? Maybe because that I'm leaving ? I went to the gmy and did my own stuff . It was then I heard my freinds talking about Mr Goh . I joined in the talk and told them that we are able to visit him .... Mr Koh said something during Maths lesson today , " Someone very free , can go out with friends . Okay , can go out , if you manage your time well . " Kevin was there arguing with him .... After a while , Mr Koh told me something like .... " Faith and believe comes together . I've read the Bible before , but never being to Chruch ...... " Haiz ... I've got no comments .... Exams starting tomorrow .... Wish me luck !!!!

I asked a number of questions during the Geography period . It was quite boring as I was sitting all alone without anyone together with me . Ai Hui was sitting together with Mei Qi and I wasn't invited to join in . Therefore , I never ..... Haiz ... Maybe , because of the loneness , my mood darken ? I don't know . After Geography , it was PE . I walked down the stairs with Hazle and saw Ai Hui , she immediately apologized to me for forgetting all about me . I asked , " Is that something new ? " Oh my ! What was I thinking !? What was I doing ?! I regretted all at once for rebuking her .... I hoped that Ai Hui understands ...... I don't know what caused me to have such terrible attitude problem .... Maybe because of the upcoming Exams ? Maybe because that I'm leaving ? I went to the room and did my own stuff . It was then I heard my friends talking about Mr Goh . I joined in the talk and told them that we are able to visit him .... Mr Koh said something during Maths lesson today , " Someone very free , can go out with friends . Okay , can go out , if you manage your time well . " Kevin was there arguing with him .... After a while , Mr Koh told me something like .... " Faith and believe comes together . I've read the Bible before , but never being to Church ...... " Haiz ... I've got no comments .... Exams starting tomorrow .... Wish me luck !!!!

All of us , Father , Mother , Brother and Me , went down for Mother's day Lunch together . Mum wanted to have curry fish head , but ... firstly , I don't really eat curry , secondly , fish !? Hello !? So , Mum helped me ordered some pork . When we were about to finish our lunch , I begged Mum to order Satay . Mum agreed at once , and instructed me to order it . Everyone was talking about everyting . ~ Family ~ I have a blessed family ... even though there would be ups and downs ... eveyrhing would me alright in the end ! Everyone would be there for anybody if he or she fells .... ~ Family ~ Kai Xin came for Tuition and we did some Literature . Hehe ... there's so many incidents in the " I'm the King of the Castle " novel . How to write everything !? I went down with Kai Xin as she needs to go to the POSB ATM . I brough her there .

I actually planned to board the SBS Bus 99 with Yi Sin . But she boarded the eariler bus ... and my Bus was so ... unlucky ! Mr Koh was on the same bus as me ... Argh . Service was okay . Brother was not around today . Today is May Day . I remembered last year . I spent half an hour with Him all alone ... waiting for Brother . It was the first time they met , I suposed ....... I went hoem after the Service . There was felloship but I never join them . Mum said that she wants to celebrate Mother's Day tonight . I went home and called Mum . She said that if the guys ( Brohter and Father ) can't make it , we'll celebrate it another day . I almost broke down when I heard it .... No way ! I've rushed all the way home from Church and you tell me that it does not matter ! I called Brother and he picked up " Hi . COME BACK HOME TO EAT ! " " What for ? " " TONIGHT CELEBREATE MOTHER'S DAY ! " I hung up and called Father . He can't make it tonight ! I was so angry and upset that I cired . I called Mum and told her that Father can't make it . She just said , " Other day then . " I broke down more ..... I cried and cried and cried .... It was then , I guess ... I really encountered the " 3 voices . " The Devil told me , " Hey , who cares all about your Cell Group ?! Come on ! You're leaving them , futhermore , they don't even care about your present . Remembered yesterday ? They never even write your name ! " My inner voice said , " Haiz , whatever . Just take one steep at one time .... I don't really care anyway . " And God told me .... " Don't be scard . Remember ? The greater your trail , the more I am going to use you . I am shaping you . I am the potter and you are my pot . I'm carving you step by step , starting from the inside of you . Remember , you are here for a purpose .... " So strange .... Haiz .... I don't believe it ! I just broke down like that ... haiz ... I went online . Brother Victor was around . He sort of knew what's happening ..... 8th May 2005 .... Brother Victor introued me a new friend .... but I was acting hostile towards her .... My computer was a little bit crazy and so , Brother Victor called me a number of times .... Surprise ! I thought I would keep the secret until he finally ask me ... but I just told Brother Victor about it .... He did comforted me .... I did felt better .... Haiz .... Brother Victor .... I don't know .... Just tell them !? Haiz ... Guess I got to change my mindset , thinking that they would be angry with me and scold me .... But ... I really don't know how to tell them ... Oh ... how I wish that he's around ....

I actually planned to board the SBS Bus 99 with Yi Sin . But she boarded the earlier bus ... and my Bus was so ... unlucky ! Mr Koh was on the same bus as me ... Argh . Service was okay . Brother was not around today . Today is May Day . I remembered last year . I spent half an hour with Him all alone ... waiting for Brother . It was the first time they met , I suposed ....... I went hoem after the Service . There was felloship but I never join them . Mum said that she wants to celebrate Mother's Day tonight . I went home and called Mum . She said that if the guys ( Brohter and Father ) can't make it , we'll celebrate it another day . I almost broke down when I heard it .... No way ! I've rushed all the way home from Church and you tell me that it does not matter ! I called Brother and he picked up " Hi . COME BACK HOME TO EAT ! " " What for ? " " TONIGHT CELEBREATE MOTHER'S DAY ! " I hung up and called Father . He can't make it tonight ! I was so angry and upset that I cired . I called Mum and told her that Father can't make it . She just said , " Other day then . " I broke down more ..... I cried and cried and cried .... It was then , I guess ... I really encountered the " 3 voices . " The Devil told me , " Hey , who cares all about your Cell Group ?! Come on ! You're leaving them , futhermore , they don't even care about your present . Remembered yesterday ? They never even write your name ! " My inner voice said , " Haiz , whatever . Just take one steep at one time .... I don't really care anyway . " And God told me .... " Don't me scard . Remember ? The greater your trail , the more I am going to use you . I am shaping you . I am the potter and you are my pot . I'm carving you stept by sept , starting from the inside of you . Remember , you are here for a purpose .... " So strange .... Haiz .... I don't believe it ! I just broke down like that ... haiz ... I went online . Brother Victor was around . He sort of knew what's happening ..... 8th May 2005 .... Brother Victore introued me a new friend .... but I was acting hostile towards her .... My computer was a little bit crazy and so , Brother Victor called me a number of times .... Surprise ! I thought I would keep the secret until he finally ask me ... but I just told Brother Victore about it .... He did comforted me .... I did felt better .... Haiz .... Brother Victor .... I don't know .... Just tell them !? Haiz ... Guess I got to change my mindset of thinking that they would be angry with me and scold me .... But ... I really don't know how to tell them ... Oh ... how I wish that he's around ....